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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/25/2006 12:21:09 PM | | I am a recovering alcoholic and I sure would hope that would be a good thing not a bad. I on the other hand would have told you within the first couple weeks if not sooner but to each there own. Anyway...I think it would suck to have people turned off by the fact your making improvements in your life. I guess it just depends...There are some people (not you) that might not date an Recovering Alcoholic because they havent faced some of there own issues and its not very self assuring to date or socialize with people that are. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/25/2006 12:23:02 PM | | Thats too bad you felt that way but I can completely understand that feeling....ok now why when I reply to someones reply to an original does it show up as a reply to the original post? | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 9/7/2006 6:27:53 AM | She is absolutely right,,,I'm am no better than the drinkers on here and I'm no worse.I'm recovering alcoholic and everyday just one drink from where I left off.One thing I am is choosing the right destiny for me ,and others around me it effects.I don't want to be put down for being recovering alcoholic,,ha,,just try.I am not alone ,,I have the power of more than one man or woman I have the power of many .Behind us is the highest power ,so no need to be afraid of him,,it is bigger than yourself anyway.Love is the main power in my book and if you have it,,you will be ok.
I think we make the best Lovers anyway,,we can't escape our feelings anymore.We have to be decent humans and be able to live on daily basis of who we are now.I feel every emotion around me ,more deeply and honestly,and I share that with my woman. Why am I here?? elifino I didn't do anything wrong I could think of,, she promised me she wouldn't ever leave as long as I was sober.She broke her promise.I didn't say evil wasn't still playing a role in this mess,,and maybe this was something I needed to make me stronger.who knows.Still sober and still love life this way,,I still love the drinkers too, I am one,,,but not today! | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 9/7/2006 8:03:58 AM | Absolutely! I dated one for four years and he is still the love of my life.
I have dated also dated alcoholics who were not in recovery, and a few who were in denial that there was even a problem. Just being actively in recovery shows that the person has the maturity to take responsibility for their own actions, which is a quality that is sorely lacking in most of society....
Good luck to you! | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/10/2008 11:58:41 PM |
Posted By: Fanny on 9/7/2006 8:03:58 AM
Subject: Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Message: Absolutely! I dated one for four years and he is still the love of my life.
I have dated also dated alcoholics who were not in recovery, and a few who were in denial that there was even a problem. Just being actively in recovery shows that the person has the maturity to take responsibility for their own actions, which is a quality that is sorely lacking in most of society....
Good luck to you!
Out of curiosity, why did it work out for him do you think? What did he do consistently and over the long haul that showed he was recovered vs. the ones who weren't? If he's the love of your life, why are you still not with him?
I think to be successful at anything, it is by far better to hear about how and why things work than to hear why they don't. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/11/2008 12:44:26 AM | i'd rather date a recovering alcoholic than someone who is still in denial (a very large segment of the population falls here, in my opinion). however, i've attended al anon on and off for a long time due to my dad and my first husband and one child who turned to drugs. at this point in my life, no active alcoholism but i still go to al anon on and off for myself.
if you don't understand alcoholism and the recovery process, and you like this man, then i suggest that you attend an open AA meeting by yourself or with him. also go to al anon and truly "believe" that he is in recovery and understand what recovery requires of him, let alone you. remember that when one first joins AA, they recommend a good year without new involvements. ask this man more about it, as he must know by now that the big book is out of the bag--or shall we say, glove compartment!?* | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:14:57 AM | I feel bad but I don't think I could date a recovering alcoholic/addict. About 5 years ago, my dad relapsed. He'd go into rehab and then check out early. Eventually, he stayed in rehab. He's been going to meeting regularly now for a few years. Life is much better now. Prior to this relapse, he had been sober 20 some years.
I know that relapse is a part of recovery process. I just don't think I could emotionally live through that again. I know that an alcoholism is a disease. I know that I am lucky that I did not inherit the addiction gene. I do commend those who live the program; I just don't think I could date them. I know that I would potentially be losing out on some great people. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/12/2008 8:24:09 PM | Probably never again. Mostly we hear about horror stories of women dating male alcoholics, but it goes both ways.
I had been around alcoholics before, but had no idea what it was really like until I fell for a woman who was a major one. Of course I didn't know it at first. In some ways it is worse with women, becuase when they become violent, they can have a man put in jail if he tries to defend himself or protect her from herself. Police always take the word of a beautiful woman over a man.
Alcoholics current and former are very emotionally needy. There's something about their vulnerability that can be alluring at first. They are also master manipulators. This woman was the best actress I'd ever known. Jekyl and Hyde. Short story, I tried to save her, which was really stupid. She said she wanted to kick it, but the alcoholic mind finds ways to sabotage every effort. And no, I was not enabling her. After so much lying and manipulation, there is no way a person with a self-preservation instinct can stay with someone like that. I also think AA sustains more alcoholics than it cures, or course, they say you can never cure it, so their cycle is perpetual.
After dating some other women who said they were former alcoholics, even one that claimed to be sober for 12 years, many of the nightmarish traits remain, which is why I now believe that personality-shifting brain damage may be permanent. In women, there is a major emotional irrationality that trips up relationships, like being unable to look at any situation objectively. This seems to be worse for the more attractive people in recovery. Maybe it is because they receive false feedback due to so many people catering to their beauty.
I'm sure there are exceptions. But a chronic alcoholic can usually fool someone into being with them for a while and a former alcoholic can find plenty of emotionally-dependent or damaged people. I'm just saying that over the long-term it is unrealistic to expect that a person with their act together can be with someone who is unstable. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:56:34 PM | | not everyone is like that or needs all that...failures will fail at most everything they try even sobriety and rehab...so if this comment is from experience then maybe you attracted a failure to begin with. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:08:35 PM | Absolutely YES! Met a wonderful man on this site, a man in recovery for 25 years. He's an awesome person who still takes it one day at a time. Although during the process, (and we do learn so much from one another) I learned of dual-diagnosis situations, wherein the recoverying alcoholic has other diagnosises (diagnos-i?), which may have led to the drinking in the first place.
And now that the person is sober, the other "hidden" disabilities come to forefront. These can be so difficult to deal with, primarily because they are "hidden". Hidden because they are not discernable at first, and yes, they are very, very real, even if not visible on the surface, or the first 75 dates, for example.
This led to a lot of conflict at first, then a learning curve of choosing to stay in the relationship. We knew if we could heal this one through we would add to the beautiful story of our relationship.
He had anger management, slight autism with a genius IQ, attention deficit disorder, and a number of physical health issues. Including overweight.
And still I would have married him because love is a commitment made to last. With a recovering alcoholic there can be great joy and discovery of new worlds -- some of which are so incompatible, the lesson is one of letting go at the right time for the right reasons. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:20:08 PM | Absolutely YES! Met a wonderful man on this site, a man in recovery for 25 years. He's an awesome person who still takes it one day at a time. Although during the process, (and we do learn so much from one another) I learned of dual-diagnosis situations, wherein the recoverying alcoholic has other diagnosises (diagnos-i?), which may have led to the drinking in the first place.
And now that the person is sober, the other "hidden" disabilities come to forefront. These can be so difficult to deal with, primarily because they are "hidden". Hidden because they are not discernable at first, and yes, they are very, very real, even if not visible on the surface, or the first 75 dates, for example.
This led to a lot of conflict at first, then a learning curve of choosing to stay in the relationship. We knew if we could heal this one through we would add to the beautiful story of our relationship.
He had anger management, slight autism with a genius IQ, attention deficit disorder, and a number of physical health issues. Including overweight.
And still I would have married him because love is a commitment made to last. With a recovering alcoholic there can be great joy and discovery of new worlds -- some so incompatible, the lesson is one of letting go at the right time for the right reasons. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:24:34 PM | I'd much rather date a recovering alcoholic, than a current alcoholic.
I rarelly drink myself, so I may possibly be better suited to spending time with someone's who quit drinking, than spending time with someone who drinks regularly. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:42:20 PM | I am a recovering alcoholic .i was violated. PTSD. I thought that i could hide by drinking. I became sober at 24 yrs old. 39 yrs old now.
15 yrs sober
quit smoking at 28
11yrsnon smoker
actually, it is rather funny to watch ""you'all drinkers that wouldn't hang out with we non drinking folk" because the more you drink the illegible conversation and the drooling from the mouth is amusing hehehehehehehehehehe | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:35:40 PM | | I would only date someone with a long period of sobriety. I would definitely not date someone in early recovery. Been there, done that. Emotional roller coaster. | |
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Dpin
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Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 115 | |
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/10/2008 3:49:33 PM | | I dated a recovering Alcoholic when he was in his second year of sobriety. It was an eye opener. i learned so much about the disease and the process..and it is a process. He is trul;y dedicated to his sobriety for the first time in 18 years-I was not with him when he drank, didn't even know him. Unfortunately we are not together anymore. As a lay person I was ignorant as to what a huge process this is spiritually, physically, emoaitonally: It's not just, stop drinking and attend AA. There are emotional issues that have largely been repressed or dealt with by drinking, etc...that the person now has to learn to deal with without using alcohol. What was difficult was, perhaps things would have been different if we met later in his sobriety. He told me that he was learning that Year 2 was often more difficult than the first year. As he explained it, the crisis was now over, he had stopped using. Now it was piecing his life back together, and learning how to live, feel again(most emotional states are haulted at the age one starts using-so its like I was dating someone with the emotional maturity of a 19 year old). We got caught up, got involved quickly, talked of love and then literally , one day it was a complete turn around: He wasn't sure of anything, including me. It was devastating to me. It was like being on a roller coaster~One day he felt this way, the next a completely different way.He really tried to do the stand up thing, but I still got hurt. I can't fault him for where he is on his road to recovery, I just have to wonder if i met another recovering alcoholic would length of sobriety be a factor? I say this without judgement, I've got my demons, but I ask is it realisitic to proceed with caution in a relationship with a newly recovering alcoholic? Is there simply too much the person is working on within hom/herself that precludes them from a relationship?Any advice? I really am interested in the process and what others have been through. CONGRATS to all on your recovering status~You should be applauded. | |
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| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 8/29/2008 12:29:01 PM | | Hi Dpin, don't know if your still looking for opinions about this subject but I can give you a few of my own. I've had lots of experience with them. I seem to attract them from my first love right to my last. First, I have to acknowledge those, like yourself, who commented on the rollercoaster ride thing. That it sure can be but I don't think much more so than anyone else with any issues in their life, which is saying a lot of people! I'm kind of surprized about him "dumping" you Dpin. One of the first main things they talk about in AA and Alanon (the same program for those who love the alcoholic) is being catious of just trading one addiction for another. Meaning in your case, the drinking for an obsessive relationship. I really would've thought that you'd have been more likely to end the relationship than him and I believe that is more the norm, from what I've seen and herd. The hardest part for me personally was feeling lied to all the time. It's fortunate for me there were many Alanon meetings and open AA meetings (anyone can come not just alcoholics) that I could attend. I learned quickly that, although no less responsible for his actions, they usually caused him much more pain than me. Unfortunately, that also contributed greatly to me enabling them. (making it easier for them to drink and not as responsible for their actions) I have come out of those relationships ahead though in a lot of ways. The principles and the 12 step program they've devised is something every single person could benifit from, irregardless of what, if any, addictions they have. There is so much to be learned in that program to improve yourself and your own life, it's just amazing and hard to believe it's free. I've had my problems with severe depression and self destucting behaviors in the past. Through all the counceling, classes and support groups I've been involved with, there wasn't one, or even the combination of them all, that I learned as much from about myself, my life and how to improve it than I did from the time I spent in Alanon and with it's literature. Now for the origanal post question... would you date a recovering alcoholic? Unless they had years of sobriety, I wouldn't think of getting too emotionally involved in the "love affair" part until I knew them pretty well. Not because I have a problem with recovering alcohlics, but for their best interests in their own recovery and I guess a bit for my own sanity. I've proved to myself time and again now that I'm just not equipted to deal with that rollercoaster. If it was apparent that we were very into each other, I would do my best to be a loving and supportive person in their lives while keeping strong emotional feelings and relationship pressures to a minimun. There is one other aspect, in regards to me personally. I do like to have a few drinks sometimes. If I were with the alcoholic at the time, and it were OK with him, (this was the situation with my ex) then I would just make sure not to over do it (my ex only was bothered if I actually got drunk) and/or just do it with my friends with-out him around. I don't believe I'm an alcoholic and I've got nothing to feel guilty or bad about. As long as we are both aware of this situation before getting involved at all, there is no reason I should have to change my life for his situation. I can still be supportive and live my life the way I see fit. (not turning your own life upside down for the benifit of someone else is another great lesson I learned from Alanon) This is my feelings on the whole issue. I hope it's been enlightning or atleast interesting for you, Dpin. | |
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