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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 5:24:25 AM | | Well see, I could see with behavior like that, how someone could define it as controlling or insecure or whatever. Though of course it is because of fear of losing her that he did it. But what angers me is that every time someone even mentions being uncomfortable with a situation, they are called insecure, as if they are an insecure person for feeling that way. The fact is that there are alot of common sense reasons for why they feel that way. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 5:33:36 AM | Haha! I'm forum stalking you, Crunch!
OT: Boundaries, structure...both are needed to maintain a relationship. If there isn't a foundation, you will have nothing to stand on. Jealousy, dominance...it all comes to a head when it threatens emotional health. My step-dad would forbid my mother to do just about anything. He wanted to know where she was, who she was with, what she was doing, how long she'd be doing it, why she wanted to do it, etc... It became so bad that he wouldn't allow our mother to invite us over for a long time. That's just a wee taste. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 11:24:15 AM | | See, thats the kind of thing that I regard as true insecurity. Cmon....is there no one else who has something to say on this subject. My thread is dying here and it is SOOOO interesting to me. My intention is to try to change attitudes about things. Cmon people. Hit this one up!! | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 11:36:35 AM | | So what do you do when someone does their best their whole life to act like this around you, knowing your whole life is being controlled but not considering it as abnormal until years later when you see the difference and you are away from the situation but their lifes works have rubbed of on you and now it is you with the problem... | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 1:01:02 PM | My first husband was like that and it was horrible. No matter what I did, I always felt like I wasn't measuring up, or something similar. Nobody should ever have to check up on somebody all the time, because it will definately hurt both people eventually. Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship.... | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 1:20:08 PM | Crunch, while I totally see your point, I don't totally agree. I belive there should be some boundries in a relationship. But there should also be trust.
I have a VERY good male friend, hes like a brother to me. Take today for instant, he called me and asked me what I was doing, I said nothing.... so he told me to come hang out. We sat on his couch and watched Next Friday, and chilled until his son woke up from his nap then I left so he could take him to chuckie cheese. If his baby momma wasn't gonna meet them at chuckie cheese I would of gone with him. Just to hang out and get out of the house. Granted, from the outside I can see how he and I could be percived as a couple, but we aren't all cute and lovey, I don't touch him unless its like to punch him for being a smart ass.
I just don't think I could deal with dating someone that told me I wasn't allowed to see this friend unless he (the boyfriend) was around. I want someone who trust me enough that he knows no matter where I am or who I'm with that I'm behaving because I love him and want to be with him. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:02:44 PM | I totally agree Jess.... My 2nd husband, even when we split up after almost 20 years, told me to remember that he always trusted me and was always faithful to me. It's true. There's nothing better than that feeling of trust, otherwise I don't see how anyone can become totally comfortable in a relationship~~  | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:30:02 PM | Sexymomma and Kloey
I have read both your posts and that IS clearly controlling behaviour on the part of the man and that is not right....I don't think anyone should control anyone anywere even remotely close to what you decribed...we are just refering to common courtesy and respect for your partner and they feelings.
In a relationship I personally would not do anything that may even cast a doubt of suspicion on myself no matter if my GF is for or aginst it...it just makes me feel more secure knowing I'm proving I'm worthy of being trusted. I don't feel that as being controlled by my GF...not at all.
Heres a situation:
If I was talking with my GF on the phone just before she left work for the day and it was a snow storm and I knew she had a long drive home..so if I say to her..be careful driving and call me as soon as you get home so I know you made it home safely.
There are girls out there that consider that controlling behaviour because it appears I'm keeping track of her and want to make sure she's going directly home. I look at the same situation as being a careing and loving BF who wants to make sure his GF arrives home safely without having an accident or breaking down or something... see what I mean about taking a very innocent situation and blowing it all out of proportion and making it sound like something its not?? | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 4:24:21 PM | Jaglaw.....I think the reason for why girls react that way is because they are hiding something. Its like they are being entirely too defensive. Well, I suppose they may have had a bad experience with someone who was too controlling, but the truth is, in my view, when they act that way, its because they dont WANT you to know things. When they are too protective over their privacy. There is no other reason for it. At least, not to my knowlege.
I can say that, when I am with someone, I make certain they know things, and honestly folks, my life is open for inspection whenever they like. I just dont care about it that much. Honesty is much more important than trust and really is the only way for me to earn trust anyway. While I get that there are men who exhibit over the top behavior, there are women who take it to the opposite extreme. Well, let me not make it gender specific because both problems occur on both sides. But let me be clear. I HATE, and I mean HATE secretive people. I HATE people who hide things from their SO. Even stuff like money and whatever.
Really guys, what happened to openness in relationships.
But as to me being controlling?? Oh no. I have been through the ringer trying to do all I could to control bad behavior before. And it was behavior I should not have had to put up with. Would I EVER try to control it again?? No, I dont need the drama. I dont need the heartache and I dont need the accusations of insecurity.
When it comes down to it, I simply wont be with someone who does not hold compatible views.
Also, I am sorry if the beginning of this sounds overly harsh, but you all know that it IS true that, the more secretive a person is, the more they have to hide. That is a known psychological effect of deceptive behavior. I am just, as usual trying to be straight and honest with what I write. I think that there are things which people can legitimately call insecure, and things which they probably should give a guy a break on. I am saying that we have liberalized entirely too much in how we handle our relationships and then what is said is that, "maybe we werent meant to be monogamous".....Well, no, not with those kind of habits. But if people were more reasonable in their expectations of what is really ok and what is not, there would be fewer breakups, fewer people cheating on people. This is the purpose of this thread. I KNOW, for sure, how cheating begins. Always it is with the best of intentions. But then things take place which change that. THIS is the problem with these kind of situations. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 4:40:10 PM | Remember Crunch... The tighter you try to hold onto someone, the harder they try to get away. Hold them gently, with love and respect, and they'll be yours forever.
Take it from someone who knows... whose husband was so totally irrational that I was seriously thinking of killing myself to get out. I finally found the strength to leave, but I was petrified. I have a daughter to live for.
I couldn't account for $5 once, and he made me go through everything I bought, receipts and add up groceries I bought, just to find the f*cking $5!! I still don't know what happened to it.
I was open and completely honest with him, but I was ALWAYS being accused of cheating, with co-workers and even with his own sister's husband! The amount of fights we had where I was sitting down, he's standing over me, with an accusing finger not more than an inch from my face, I can't even count.
He had absolutely NO rational, and I was made to suffer for it. Relax a bit, show love and understanding, and don't put a strangle hold on your partner... you'll drain the life from them. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 5:11:45 PM | I couldn't account for $5 once, and he made me go through everything I bought, receipts and add up groceries I bought, just to find the f*cking $5!! I still don't know what happened to it.
Behavior like that is plainly "phsycopathic" and is the reason why some women kill their husbands while they sleep.....
I can't stress enough the point we are trying to make has absolutely NOTHING to do with controlling anyone!! I feel that any GF I may have is free to do whatever she wants with the simple acception of hanging around with guys on "Dates" and drinking and dancing and flerting with guys in bars....thats the only time I have a problem with anything a girl does....I don't feel at all that she should give up her friends or stop having girls nights out or anything...but why does it have to be in the setting of a place like a bar where there are single guys, drinking, dancing and flerting....its completely unacceptable behavior for a guy or a girl who has a BF/GF at home...if you like doing that stuff then do it togather as an activity...thats all we are saying but for some reason it keeps getting all blown out of proportion... | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 5:54:35 PM | I agree with you....
I HATE, and I mean HATE secretive people. I HATE people who hide things from their SO. Even stuff like money and whatever. .... I hate that, too. I've dealt with that in the past, but later found out that he had a mental problem that caused that, so beware...it's paranoia setting in...
and as for...
but why does it have to be in the setting of a place like a bar where there are single guys, drinking, dancing and flerting....its completely unacceptable behavior for a guy or a girl who has a BF/GF at home... ....if a girl really LOVES a guy, she wouldn't even have the DESIRE to do this, in my opinion. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 6:23:54 PM | I have always had male friends, due to the industry I worked in, but they are just like my girlfriends, and it was nothing for me to go for a drink after work, on occasion. Of course, I wouldn't lie about it, and even invite my SO to join us; it was up to them if they chose to or not.
I didn't know them when I was married, but since my divorce, I have more and more male friends, and introduce them to whomever I date. When I introduce them, my SO can see for themselves that we're just friends. I haven't had a problem since my ex, so I must be doing something right. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 6:42:34 PM | @caretodream
Well, here is my story, the short version. See, my ex wife wanted to go to our friends house that was two hours away a couple of times, and while she was there, she was going to go out and have fun. Basically get some time away from me and the kids. Ten years of trust I had with this woman and I had, literally, no problem with it. But then she started to spend more and more time there. Thats when the fighting about it started. I did not feel that a married mother of two should be engaging in that kind of thing every other weekend, not to mention the fact that it meant less time for us and the kids.
My ex girlfriend wanted to spend the night at her female friends home. She wound up using that as a base to cheat.
So understand that, in both cases, I was ok with them doing that. But the question is, should I be expected to be ok with things like that now, having been burnt twice. I think not. I think there is a happy medium here.
In your case, what happened appears to be what I call a truly insecure person. A truly jealous person. But the problem I have is that I am accused of being one of those (not by you) by people on this site for expressing my discomfort at situations that closely resemble the kinds of things that my exes did which ultimately, led to alot of pain for me and my kids. I am all for personal freedom, which is why, if someone wants to live that lifestyle, I am ok with that. BUT, I will choose not to be with them because there are people who choose to live differently. Now, right now, most of us are single. So, even I will do completely as I choose. But I feel I would be completely disrespecting my partner if I tried to tell them that I WAS going to do something, even if they did not like it. Thats what I had. Thats what I had to live through. Basically, its like what you had to live through, only in reverse and turned on its head.
But do not get me wrong. I dont act jealous and I dont tell people what to do. I dont even accuse. However, at this point in my life, I will not waste too much time debating the issue with someone either. I have said before that true security is about letting go of something that will not fit, even if you love it. | |
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Ldygmr
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Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 40 | |
| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 7:04:25 PM | Having done the never shower alone frequent caller relationship I have to agree that reasonable boundaries are good for a relationship meant for a long term.
I think a person going out one on one with a person of the opposite sex IS a bad idea when that person is NOT the person with whom they are committed. Or same sex if that's the way you play. What exactly seperates friend from lover if both have the same priveleges and demands on your time?
If a person is committed to someone, that someone SHOULD get special rights and priveleges and no one else should get those same rights. period. Or else why would that person want to be with you. Their is no benefit to being one of the crowd. Everyone wants to feel special to SOMEone. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 7:07:45 PM | Crunch, I'm so sorry for what you have endured. It must have been total h3ll for you and your kids. Your ex-wife and ex-girlfriend were totally WRONG in their actions, and you would have been justified in not trusting them. I think I misunderstood, for the most part, and I'm truly sorry.
I realize that the future ladies you date will have to understand your predicament, but try and not paint them with the same brush, but you probably realize that the rules will change on how far you can allow the freedom to go; like perhaps joining her on the "occasional" weekend. Every second weekend that they want to go away is rediculous, though. If there's nothing going on that should'n't be going on, she shouldn't be adverse to that, and welcome your company.
Thank you for sharing your story and giving more insight into your ordeal. It allows me the opportunity to understand it better.
*Cheers* to better times ahead. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/26/2005 7:10:43 PM | I don't think it would be appropriate to go out with a friend of the opposite sex while I'm in a committed relationship. That just isn't something I'd do. Now I do have opposite sex friends and if they were really in some kind of a bind, I would hope it was okay to have them over for coffee so that I can support them through whatever they are going through but that would in no way be shielded from my significant...it would be open and in their presence. I think there is a respect that is deserved in relationships, and the sense of identity and separateness are important but I feel that our relationship has an identity of its own and should be honored above all others. I mean this is the person I want to have by my side for good, so why would I compromise that for something that isn't a forever thing necessarily.
I think a lot of respect is in order on this one. I wouldn't want to put my significant in the position to doubt my fidelity or my heart. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 4:03:30 AM | | Just something real quick....keep the posts coming...but dragon...stop forum stalking if you have nothing to say. You know I got duped on that deal so leave it alone. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 6:22:11 AM | | I had a friend of the opposite sex before getting into a relationship with someone. There was, is, and will NEVER be anything more than friendship with him and we both agree on that. He is a good source for me on the male opinion of things and I am that for him as well. We go out, beat on each other verbally and yes, see a movie now and again. The people in my life, the ones I let in beyond friendship understand that my friends mean a lot to me and that I'm not going to stop hanging with them just because I am in a romantic relationship. Nor would the new "love" in my life ask me or expect me to. I think Crunch and the rest who said that people need to have common boundaries were correct, but I think it incorrect to assume that "most" people have the same feelings about what those are. I make time in my life for my friends and my SO and my family. Trust and balance are the keys to making it all work. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 3:37:29 PM | I have clearly said before, and I will say again, that some people think outside the box. But most guys that I know are simply not really going to be ok with some of that. I think that once you have an SO, the male opinion of things that you should be getting, should probably at least start with him, not some other guy. I am sorry that I am expressing the truth, but I would be insulted, to say the very least, if someone I was with went to some other guy with a problem, or to get a male opinion. It would make me feel my opinion was less worthy to my SO. And see, I agree about balance in things. But does going on a date with another guy really apply when we are talking about balance?? When a girl I am with, or one I am not with, actually, goes to dinner and a movie with a guy, I call that a date. Do I want my SO dating others??? No. Is it something that happens commonly in relationships that I have seen work?? Well, actually, no. I am not saying that it NEVER does. But in most relationships, people, male and female, generally get pissed when someone would rather spend time with someone else of the opposite sex than with them. I just think that there are an awful lot of people who refuse to accept this, and that is ok by me. Nevertheless, it isnt what I do when I am in a relationship and, in fairness, because I dont do this, I would expect my partner not to do it either. It is a fairness issue, as much as it is anything else, though I have not touched on fairness yet.
But remember, what I have also said is that people are entitled to think how they want. My experience in seeing these kind of arrangements are that they are a recipe for disaster. What I am entitled to do, as well, is to say that this kind of thing is not for me and I wont be with someone who is going to do those kinds of things. And I feel I have the right to say that without being labled. The labels are what I resent the most because they are simply not true. Myself, and almost everyone I know, does not believe that thier SO seeing another person when they are not around is appropriate in a relationship. So, while I fully realize that people disagree on this subject (and others) and I respect that they disagree, I still feel that an awful lot agree, and have some very good reasons for agreeing.
Lets say that you never do anything with any guy friends (and again, my experience is this is also rare, but possible). Even still, you could do things which would inspire jealousy and mistrust in your relationship. To me, this is not worth it when you can just as easily hang out when your SO is around. The thing that confounds me is the why of this. Why do you feel you need time alone with this person?? It does not make sense, unless you somehow feel threatened about what your SO may see or hear. That is the only conceivable reason that I have ever been able to come up with and, experience again bears me out, it is usually true. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 4:06:44 PM | Crunch, I believe it is possible to have purely platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex. However, if you're dating someone, I don't believe you should, oh, let's say spend the night curled up on the couch with your friend. By the same token, I don't believe it's necessary to kill all contact with your friend just because they happen to be a member of the opposite sex. I've always made an effort to include my dudefeller with my friends and vice versa. I care about my dudefeller enough to date him and my friends, well, they're my friends. I don't wish to choose between the two based on gender.
I don't mind my dudefeller checking in on me or asking me to call when I get home. I'd have a problem if he became obsessive. I don't mind him wanting to spend time with me. I'd mind if he tried to cut me off from the world. There should be certain boundaries, but I'm thinking more like stepping stones rather than a brick wall. I am my own person and I have my own life. Doesn't mean I don't wish to include my SO in it. Just means that I don't require his presence every second of every day to live. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:00:46 PM | No one said that anyone wants or needs someone there every second of every day to live. However, what I am pointing out...no, lets just say this is my case. I have twice been ok with people doing things, going places and being around people that I frankly did not feel comfortable with. In both cases, I was cheated on and played about. I will not be ok with it a third time around. Simply wont happen. I would never prevent a thing. Not one thing. But spending time with the SO is usually the obvious choice of anyone who cares anything about their SO. I have been through friends being more important. Been through that twice. Wont do it again. Wont do anything that resembles it. But I wont ever try to prevent it. I will simply reject the person. It really is that simple. I hate to sound rather rigid about it, but it is simply the way that things must be.
Now the question is though, if you and I are not around each other, why can you not excercise enough self control to keep from violating the boundaries, whatever they may be, then there are problems. One of those boundaries, for me, is that I really would rather not have you and some other guy spending time alone together when I am not around. I dont feel this is too much to ask, but some people do. And I wonder why, and what their reaction would be if the tables were turned. My experience is that when the tables are turned, they get pissed off. So how do we reconcile this difference, this great double standard?? The answer is to have reasonable boundaries, like what Dceeee was talking about earlier. I dont see these as unreasonable but dont understand why you do. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:07:37 PM | Some people have been so burned in the past that they refuse to allow anyone else to live without strict standards they will be setting so they don't get hurt again.
Hell, if I was like that I'd never ever date a military man, someone that drank, smoked, owned a gun or hand a anger problem.
Wait... maybe I shouldn't.... | |
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