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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:33:29 PM | Crunchberries,
If you really like this girl, and she is firm about not wanting to give up hanging with her male friends, there is a third option. You could welcome them into your house...even offer to be a designated driver maybe, and bring them all back to your house to crash for the night. This way she still has her fun, (which could very well be innocent...it always was for me)...maybe she likes to dance and you don't???
Plus this way you get to know the guys and they will be less of a threat, and you may end up with some of them being better friends with you than her!
The thing in this situation that would bother me most if I was in her shoes, is the thought that I was being punished for something the girls in your past did. Been there, done that, and it doesn't feel good. I can see your side, too, as having been burned twice, why would you want to set yourself up for more hurt?
If you offer to go with my suggestion and she won't go for it, you may have a problem that can't be worked around, as you should both be able to compromise....in which case...there are other fishies out there that will think the way you do!! Just keep looking, and Good luck! | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:35:43 PM | Crunch, I didn't mean to imply that you said that or felt that way. I was just explaining my stance on the matter. I won't walk away from my friends simpy because they're male, but neither will I put myself in a compromising situation with my friends. I'm not going to allow my friends to take precedence over my dudefeller, but I won't shut my friends out simply because I'm dating. As I said, I like to include my dudefeller in activities. If I want to grab lunch with a friend of the opposite sex, I would enjoy the company of my dudefeller, too.
I would never do anything to disrespect my dudefeller, at least intentionally, but I would expect my dudefeller to trust me enough to give me a spot of air. The same applies to my dudefeller. I have no desire to monitor his every coming and going. I have no desire to choose his friends. I have no desire to put him under lock and key. I guess this sounds pretty harsh, but I just feel that people lived before they started dating and that life shouldn't be expected to die an immediate death. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/27/2005 6:38:01 PM | Well, no one says that you cannot live. In fact, part of the reason for this was to find out peoples opinions on what was REALLY behavior of this kind. This is because too many people assume that, simply because someone is not comfortable with certain situations, that he, or she, is insecure. To a degree this is true, as we all have insecurities of one type or another. But I have also made the point that people on these threads too often dont admit to their insecurities for fear of losing out on a date, which is also quite dishonest as well.
I am also appealing to the reasonable person in all of us. I am saying that I feel good reason and judgement, which were not present in my past relationships, should be used. I further feel that there really ARE certain things which most, though not all, people, consider to be norms within relationships.
Is your life more restricted, in terms of your contact and nature of contact with members of the opposite sex, when you are in a relationship?? Yes, I think undeniably so. I have entered into two relationships where I willingly, and without having to be told, did curtail some things that I did when I was single. But this was because it only made good common sense and showed respect for my partner. There was no other reason. And I did not feel restricted or accuse them of being insecure, even though, at times, they were quite jealous. This seems funny to me since they were the ones who wanted unrestricted access to things that I felt endangered our relationship and, in fact, ultimately did.
In all of this, I have actually been one of the more laid back partners to have. In other words, I went along with alot of stuff I should not have, to show that I "trusted" them. But, with where it got me, I dont see being with someone who wants to do that kind of stuff again. I dont care who wants to do it, I am just saying that I will not be with them, if thats what they want. If they want dinner and a movie with some other guy, then thats ok by me. Its just that I am not going to be with them. Very simple rule. If I have to stay single til I am 95, I will never again put myself in that position. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/29/2005 10:15:23 AM | Maybe I implied or maybe you just read into what I was saying about having my male friend be a good source for a male opinion. Make NO mistake about it, my SO is the person I want to spend most of my time with when I have one, but having one does not negate the responsibility of being someone's friend. My SO will know that he is very important to me that I value him so much I don't want another in my bed, but that does not mean I don't want another as my friend. And what kind of friend would I be and what kind of SO would I be if I could be swayed so easily from who I have been as to say goodbye to my friends once I have an SO. Of course things change with your friends once you have someone special in your life...that's a given, it's when those changes are required by your SO that should raise the red flag. It's like Crunch said, I have enough self control and my friends enough respect for me to keep things on the friend level. My SO and my friends are all encouraged to be in each other's lives as well, I wouldn't dream of hiding any part of my life from either my friends or my SO.
I can remember telling an SO once that I was a HUGE flirt, that most of my friends were guys and that was unlikely to change even if he had a problem with it. I didn't say it in a shitty way at all, just wanted to put out there that I like who I am and who he is and didn't want to change anything about him anymore than I wanted him to try and change me. It's a respect issue entirely. Self respect as well as respect for your SO. At this point he told me he wouldn't have a problem with it, but was glad he knew up front, so there wouldn't be any misunderstandings. He got along great with my friends so it worked out fine...once again I agree with putting yourself all out there, telling someone what your limits are and asking them to respect those limits or better yet, asking them if they can respect those limits before pushing forward into a relationship that could end up with two hurt people.
Putting your new SO through the ringer simply because of past SO's is a mistake that continues on. Would you want to pay for the mistakes that my SO's have made? That is truly unfair. It is good to learn from relationships what things you need to change about yourself so you don't continue to attract the kind of people who continue to abuse your trust. It is faulty to stamp out rules for another to follow based on past abuse. You have to take each person as they are...this is why actually getting to know someone first is better than letting them become your SO simply on the basis of attraction and a week's worth of talking on the phone, IM or otherwise. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/30/2005 3:48:40 PM | | ^^^^^Indeed, I agree with this statement. I also agree with what you have said. I will respectfully decline to agree though, that a person should not learn from the past. I have reflected for a very long time on relationships and, generally , why they go bad. Mine have gone bad because of people becoming entirely too involved with friends. And by this I mean, it starts out as a once in a while thing. Then it becomes something they do all the time because I was ok with once in awhile. This applies to any friends, forget about opposite or same sex. I have had friends put before me. So, from day one, I like to let people know that there is a certain level of friendship which I am completely ok with. There is a point though, and certain situations, which I have, really no capability to compromise about. This is not to say that it cannot be successful that way. It simply implies that I feel I would not be with someone who feels it can be. I dont find that wrong. I find that to be a simple truth. I have learned from the past and it is unwise not to. I dont feel that anyone else pays for my past, except maybe myself and my exes. But, early on, I do express to people that friends CAN be a problem. And really, they can be. This does not mean that I feel no one should ever have friends. Good god, I cannot imagine the stories I have heard from women who could have no friends at all. But I do not believe that, once a person is in a committed relationship, it is appropriate for them to spend alot of time alone with other members of the opposite sex. Here again, I say alone, for what trouble could there possibly be, if their SO is right there?? Still, there are people who take this as an affront. Who want to live in both worlds and have the same life they had when they were single while being in a relationship. I dont believe this is possible, if a person wants to maintain a relationship free from jealousy and mistrust. I also dont believe that people who disagree with this statement are being 100% honest with themselves about how they would feel if they were put into a position where there SO chooses to go out alone, or to the home of, a single member of the opposite sex. Again, there are also things like married couples where there is obviously quite a difference. But I do not understand the rational behind someone feeling they need that one on one contact. The only reason for feeling that way would be if you felt that your SO was not going to like something that you said or did around this other person. In which case, you are really not being open or honest with your SO anyway. Also, I would like to say that everyone needs breathing space. But I feel that people can get that space, without getting it with a member of the opposite sex. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/30/2005 4:07:14 PM | | Crunch, I agree with friends can be an issue as people will forget to talk to their potential partner about the issue before to other people for opinions or suggestions. Thus, taking their friends advice over their partners as the discussion is different. For me, I enjoy the one on one contact with my male friends, however there is never a hint of wanting to be sexually involved with them - just as my female friends - important for one one one. Its being interdependent of the relationship. So, defining what the relationship is between you and the opposite sex is very important, however on the same note - on occasion that opposite sex has an ulterior motive (they like you more than they started to at the beginning and will cause difficulty for your relationship thus lacking in respect for you and your partner) - Ive experienced that from my female friends as they took a liking to my partner at the time which resulted in the break down of one of my relationship. It made me wonder tho as I had held up the thought of that they wanted the same thing that I had from my relationship - and thinking that they could have it with the person I was with not realizing that you create that special bond with the person you are with. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/30/2005 4:26:36 PM | | ^^^^^I agree with this too. But I would also say that there is a time when it is a persons responsibility within a relationship to distance themselves from people who are sexually attracted to them. I just dont think it is healthy to continue to have those ones around. As for one on one contact, again, I understand this with females but I do not understand why people (and it seems to be mostly females) dont see why this would be a problem with their SO. Again, they are bound to question (or if they have never been hurt before, maybe they wont) why it is that you feel that this contact with the other guy needs to be private. It just seems to me that it would be something that would make me suspicious as to the motive behind the contact. Having been hurt twice by this, you could say I am oversensitive to it, but I think you could also understand that this would not be a good thing to do if you wanted to enter into a relationship with me. It would be something that would set off warning bells to me, resulting, actually quite unintentionally, in me not maintaining the kind of trust in you that I would otherwise have had, if you had simply been more public in the way you did things. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/30/2005 5:38:12 PM | | crunch - what Im seeing you saying is - correct me if Im wrong - you are just trying to forego some potential issues. The reason for private is for me Im a private person and depending on the type of communication I have with my partner - sometimes I need just an outside influence depending on the issue. If I was to bring up an issue with you that I see as a potential issue and you gave a different response that i needed, most likely I wouldnt want to try to discuss with this again with you thus still needing some advice on the subject. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/30/2005 5:54:53 PM | One more suggestion is that you'd better sit down and discuss just what the "boundaries" are before you get involved with someone, so everybody knows exactly what's going on.
Again:
Hold on loosely~~ | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/11/2006 7:53:25 AM | Controlling spouses period only create resentment and encourage lying and sneaky behavior from their partner (gender is irrelevant).
I got a buddy's whose wife is waaay insecure from previous "burnings" and she'd always look at his emails when he was away. So, he ended up getting a 2nd email that she doesn't know about for his own use and put a password on it she'll never guess. And she uses the 1st one and now everything seems fine.
But its that kinda controlling and insecurity that makes people do things like that. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/13/2006 10:58:22 PM |
Controlling spouses period only create resentment and encourage lying and sneaky behavior from their partner (gender is irrelevant).
I got a buddy's whose wife is waaay insecure from previous "burnings" and she'd always look at his emails when he was away. So, he ended up getting a 2nd email that she doesn't know about for his own use and put a password on it she'll never guess. And she uses the 1st one and now everything seems fine.
But its that kinda controlling and insecurity that makes people do things like that.
it is called verly low self esteem. There is a lot of help to recover and boost self esteem today. | |
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joesch
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Joined: 1/13/2006
Msg: 63 | |
| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/13/2006 10:59:50 PM | | You know if someone I dated stayed the night at the oposite sexes house all the time,it would depend on the situation as to if I would stick around or not,ummm If I didn't like what the girl I was dating was doing I just simply wouldn't be with her plain and simple,no need to get jealous and drive yourself crazy,walk away,I mean I have something I would ask if the shoe was on the other foot how would she or he feel. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/13/2006 11:08:12 PM | | Crunch, I think she should have invited her male friends to meet you as soon as you knew you 2 had a relationship. I've always had more male friends, but my ex also became very good friends with all of them and we all had a good time together. One thing I didn't do was go out with them alone after things between my ex and I got serious. But they came to our place all the time and we'd play cards, dice, whatever, or go out for drinks--together. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/14/2006 3:43:22 AM | Passport:
This is true and she does get that therapy today. Her problem was mostly from being emotionally abused her whole life by her family even into adulthood and she's come to grips that she never really had the loving family she thought she did. Its helped but she's recovering from a deep feeling of loss now as well, as part of her therapy is to cut herself off from her relations. They aren't good people. Just greedy, coniving and manipulative. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/14/2006 9:57:56 AM | Damn ... that's not a question... that's an essay.... and I ain't readin all of it.
try to keep your questions concise not so rambly... we don't need all that evidence and structure of arguement crap in these forums... just simple questions so our simple minds can post simple answers or simple opinions.
anywho.... my opinion about jealous possessive insecure controlling behaviour is....
ditch the bit ch .. or bas tard ... who need it?
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/14/2006 10:33:05 AM | Trust is something you either have with someone , or you don't. If you are with the right person, you could lock them naked in a room with someone - and nothing will ever happen.
If someone is jealous, it's a sign that they are insecure.
If you know someone, and I mean REALLY know someone ( as you should as a lover) one look into their eyes will tell you all you ever need to know. You may not want to accept that, you may run from it - but it will be right there staring you in the face every single time.
That's one of my things about dating. When you find yourself with someone that just "gets you", they will know what you are thinking - and the same will occur with you. It will be a combination of the eyes, the body language, and everything else.
That won't happen instantly most times, but sometimes it will
When it does, never let it go. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/14/2006 10:39:20 AM | | My exhusband didnt like me to go out when he was home from work.he liked me to keep him company. He made sure i had a hot dinner ready for him every night and a bag lunch everyday for him to go to work. I am not sure I saw these as controling or not . He was the one who was working and earning all the money at the time. I later started to work. But at the time since he was paying for everything i thought he might have had the right to be controling. How a man acts they say goes back to his relationship or feelings toward the first women in his life his mom.. Thats what they say is true. I have notice more screwed up men who had crazy moms who knows... | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/14/2006 2:06:03 PM | Crunch, I know exactly what you mean. The term for it is emotional infidelity. I dealt with it and it eventually ruined my marrige. One can only bend so far before you break. Her not understanding why I would be upset about her "friendships" led to frustration and finally an emotional withdrawal myself. So she left and filed for divorce. I do love her still, but I can never trust her again and I know I am better off without her. I see the same traits in my daughter and fear tha she too will have many failed relationships because of them.
I don't see it as controlling either. If something bothers you, your SO should not do it, within reason. I just wasn't comfortable with her going out with the guys at night and going to concerts and bars. All with the guys at work. I also didn't like her being the office "party girl".
Sorry, don't see that as overbearing or controlling, just very hurt. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/14/2006 6:52:28 PM | | I agree MRMIKE57 100%...If a women goes to bars while she is married and kids..Then that is sad...Then i hear these same stupid women say they go there to listen to music...What bullshit...Sorry they make radios........Sorry you had to deal with this MRMIKE57.....To be honest with you,You should have got out of it the first time she did this.....That is the problem with todays society...People think you can be married and still do all the wild things..Sorry it does not work that way. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/14/2006 7:28:45 PM | I had a relationship with a woman so insecure she actually convinced herself that if I stayed up to watch TV after she went to bed, it meant someone was sneaking into the house for sex with me after she fell asleep. She used to pop in at work at odd times and of course nothing was happening but she was convinced I somehow knew when she was coming and got rid of the woman I was screwing just before she got there. She once found a cigarette butt in our yard that was not the brand I smoked and was convinced my "lover" smoked that brand and had been over when I was doing yardwork that day and she had been visiting her mom.
I never did cheat on this woman but she finally could not live with my imagined affairs and moved out. You know it was very hard for me to stop walking on eggshells and get back to living a normal life not worrying that my every move or word was going to be misinterpreted.
It is a desease ---- jealousy/suspicion. However, it is almost impossible to get the person with the desease to even consider that they have a problem. Until she was gone I had not realized how much my life had revolved around catering to her "insanity" | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/19/2006 9:56:37 PM | I found these statements on a profile on another dating site, and to me it sounds like this man was very controlling of his wife. Any comments on these statements? Thanks
Perhaps, I failed to validate people when they needed me to do that for them. Perhaps, I showed myself to be selfish, impatient or angry.Let me tell you about my estranged wife. I miss the companionship and her goodness. She deserved to be validated and maybe I failed to handle that sometimes. Actually, I came apart and started doing stupid things that were a bit off the mark. | |
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Rake
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Joined: 3/12/2005
Msg: 74 | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 1/19/2006 10:23:10 PM | | well, I have lots of friends, both male and female, but I have never once NOT let a significant other meet any of them. If I meet a new man and start dating him, he is always welcome to meet any friends I have of either sex, and he should be secure enough to realize that yes, these people have been my friends for a long time, so I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to give them up. That being said...I always make time for my partner, and if I already had plans with friends and my partner wanted to do something that night at the last minute, I would definitely invite him along and include him. My male friends don't flirt with me, nor do I flirt with them...apart from the odd time if one of us is going through a rough time or breakup, we might make a few casual comments to remind each other that yes, we are still desirable people etcetc...but it's still not flirting in the implied sense. I would never expect a partner to give up long term opposite-sex friend just for me, as long as he was including me in their relationship and not hiding anything. We all need some down time, I don't think couples need to do absolutely everything together, some of my friends are just work friends and it's nice to go out after work the odd time to just vent about work or whatnot...topics a partner maybe doesn't relate to the same as we do. Bottom line...if you trust your partner...and they don't neglect you for their friends...I think it's healty when couples have outside friends and interests that they can socialize with, not having to be joined at the hip with their significant other 24/7. | |
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