arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 26 | |
| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:18:11 PM | Sounds like you were the interim guy .. sorry pal
at least you got to boink her too  | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:20:00 PM | Mindy,
Firstly, as you refer to your lack of trust as a 'feeling', this reveals that you are on a level not as severe as when something rips into your soul and thus leaves you 'believing'.
Human beings are very complex. While many cannot understand or accept that we paradoxically can think, feel and believe different things, this is very true. Your ability to 'feel' trust is very difficult to repair as human beings require so much evidence and experience upon which to formulate themselves. Without trying again and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, there will not be an opportunity for you to find 'trust' again.
With this said, I'm going to contradict myself somewhat. In fact substantially. Without deleting the above, I'm going to start over by suggesting that 'trust' is not a feeling. It is an action. It is something you choose to do and give rather than something that occurs on its own. A key word in this is 'choose' and you must choose wisely. Be cautious but not closed.
Here's something else to keep in mind:
When love beckons to you follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, And in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Best wishes!
Scott | |
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Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 28 | |
| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:22:52 PM | | Sorry to hear life dealt you along with many others this awful thing,but you cant let this get in your way to trust again,look how many men and women get through it,and think it could be worse and im not trying to be little your problem either.ie women that have been raped or sexually assaulted as well as kids.that has major trust issues and lots to work through,there is so much in life that happens that is unfair.What about people that have been left behind from partners or abuse etc.Try to take that risk like many of us have.if you want to be happy ,you must resolve as much as you can and move on.good luck.Things happen to both men and women,so keep it in mind. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:59:19 PM | | And one other thing I will say is this. Cheating happens in the mind first. And it happens when you put yourself in the kind of position where it can occur. I wont be with someone who does these kinds of things, no matter how much they say they arent like other people who have done these kinds of things, it isnt true. I know its what they WANT to think. They think they are the one different one out of 1000. But they arent and they are setting themselves up for failure. I have seen it too many times and experienced the effects too many times to feel this isnt true. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/28/2005 4:48:52 AM |
(Msg 20) Another thing to consider if he's letting you set the pace. And that pace should be SLOW! People who are truly interested in each other will take the time to get to know each other really well. ...... Limit your contact somewhat. Let them get to know you at a pace that you're comfortable with. And a complete stranger who wants to suck up a huge block of your time immediately is most likely NOT wanting to get to know YOU as a PERSON. If they're fine with taking the time to get to know you, then more likely they ARE interested in you. People who make a big investment in another person is less likely to cheat.
Why is it wrong to get to know someone quickly? Isn't the idea getting to know them? Why would anyone deliberately go slow getting to know someone? Help me with the logic here.
It takes time to know someone and time has to be spent with the person. If one can spent a lot of time getting to know someone over a short period why it that not preferable to getting to know someone over a longer period? Why would anyone who is serious deliberately prolong the process of getting to know someone? | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/28/2005 5:28:07 AM |
(Msg 25) it's the complete lack of respect that hurts the most
One has to realize a person does not normally have an affair because they want to hurt their partner. In fact, their partner is probably the last thing on their mind at that particular time.
Even at the best of times one never really knows if they are going to have sex. Single people go out looking for sex and it's never a sure thing. Someone being married and having sex (an affair) can not be looked at as one's partner deliberately disrespecting them. In other words one does not say to themselves, "To hell with my partner. I'm going out to get laid." Sure, they may flirt but at that specific instant they are not deciding whether or not to have sex.
I suppose it can be looked at somewhat similar to drinking. A young person will head to the bar on a Friday night. They know they are going to have a drink but they are not planning on becoming drunk and acting like an a$$. It wouldn't make sense if their partner said, "You planned to get drunk and embarrass me." Affairs are similar in the sense one's emotions takes over. Just as one who has a couple of beers is aware their partner is with them and they act accordingly, after ten beers they are not thinking about their partner. Flirting can be likened to having a couple of beers. No one is considering/expecting sex. A point gets passed where their attention shifts.
That said, it is not an excuse to have an affair anymore than there is an excuse to embarrass one's partner when drunk. The point is the person's emotions take over and we all know how powerful emotions can be. People have killed others because of an affair so we know that when it comes to sex one's judgement can certainlty be impaired.
The point is no one intended to disrespect you, Nonick. Once that is realized the anger and hurt will dissipate. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/28/2005 10:49:10 AM | The point is no one intended to disrespect you, Nonick. Once that is realized the anger and hurt will dissipate.
well yes she was
the one girl always had her male friends and exes hanging around(yes i was a blind fool) an i it wasn't alchohol making her judgements
she was just uncaring and cold at times..please don't make excuses for her..
an the one after that got dressed up in her leather mini skirt an knee high boots an went to a singles club on a friday night..how nieve do u think i am ..she knew what she was after when she left the house..again not alchohol talking
thanx for trying but call a spade a spade an move on in life
i don't hate them ....its a waste of my energy an they aren't worth it
I appreciate you sharing your opinion though..thanx :) | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/28/2005 4:27:27 PM | | I had a similiar situation my ex of 15 yrs cheated on me. It's hard to trust again, but it is possible. Give yourself time. You need to believe in yourself and your instincts. Each guy does not need to be compared to any others of the past. Each person is an individual. Learn from the past and don't let history repeat itself. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/28/2005 4:57:03 PM |
(Msg 33) I had a similiar situation my ex of 15 yrs cheated on me. It's hard to trust again, but it is possible.
Great to hear that! In the vast majority of cases it's a person's ego that prevents them from forgiving.
BTW, I read your bio. "Love animals, live in the woods, self-sufficient regarding country living..." If only I was 20 years younger, single, lived 400 miles from where I am now....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/29/2005 9:56:45 PM | Scott (toscottm),
Thank you.
Mindy | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/29/2005 11:37:11 PM | | First off trust is never given, it is always earned....At first you cannot assume that everyone you meet or date is gonna cheat, otherwise you have spoiled everything before it ever gets good to you...I have been cheated on by women I have dated, but I wont assume that everyone is gonna cheat, just cause some did, cause there were some that didnt.....Spend a few weeks talking to someone before you start dating them, that can give you a better idea of what type of person you are dealing with, before you deal your cards out....Dont give them your full deck of cards upfront, or you are setting yourself up to get played by the game of .."I'm the fool"......Believe me , take it from me....take your time and feel them out and then you wont always worry about "He loves me, he loves me not"... | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/29/2005 11:50:16 PM | Mindy,
You cannot say, do, or make someone cheat on you. If they are a cheater, they will cheat even if you're their idea of the "perfect" woman. Did your ex tell you that it was because of you that he cheated? If he did, then, he wasn't being honest. He was trying to place the blame on you.
My father cheated on my mother for years, and when he got caught, he gave up his girlfriend. He told my mother that it wasn't fun anymore because he enjoyed sneaking around.
The exhusband doesn't know to this day that his former mistress approached me and apologized for dating him while we were still together. He swore up and down that I was imagining things, and he thought I was crazy. Ya, right!
Of course, it was my fault because he went out for days at a time, drinking and carrying on. Or, so he said. I was a rotten wife because I went to college instead of staying home with the kids (teenagers), and I didn't get a job. I was wasting his money driving up to college, which were a waste of time. Etc......
You get the picture.
Trust issues? I don't blame you for having trust issues. And like a lot of the other people on this thread have said: Trust has to be earned, not given.
Hang in there, Gal. You'll get the idea soon. Don't go blaming yourself over it! Okay?  | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 12:11:05 AM | hi scott, but before i continue I would like to leave this note for soul seductive, your right on brother, thumbs up for you, you got it together.
back to scott, your reply is interesting.
Firstly, as you refer to your lack of trust as a 'feeling', this reveals that you are on a level not as severe as when something rips into your soul and thus leaves you 'believing'.
trust is a value and once it is pierced the owner is in pain.
Human beings are very complex. While many cannot understand or accept that we paradoxically can think, feel and believe different things, this is very true. Your ability to 'feel' trust is very difficult to repair as human beings require so much evidence and experience upon which to formulate themselves. Without trying again and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, there will not be an opportunity for you to find 'trust' again.
i believe i know where you are coming from and you have some good thoughts. We can only think one thing at a time therefore were are not as complex in that manner. I never thought of myself doing anything paradoxically and please referance my prior statement.
With this said, I'm going to contradict myself somewhat. In fact substantially. Without deleting the above, I'm going to start over by suggesting that 'trust' is not a feeling. It is an action. It is something you choose to do and give rather than something that occurs on its own. A key word in this is 'choose' and you must choose wisely. Be cautious but not closed.
trust is a value and is put there through confidence, self worth and will power. all these values are gained through knowledge as i believe it refers to your word 'action'. choosing wisely is not through trust but through will power. if you choose someone elses will power you have less self worth than the other.
Here's something else to keep in mind:
When love beckons to you follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, And in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
this is jibberish, imho, as it seems you are trying to quote the Bible or some other older document, and switching your words in substiution or appending some non rational thoughts which was not like you in the upper part of your reply.
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 1:39:46 AM | hmm...after reading what y'all been saying here...its freak me out a lit tho..my bf currently in ***** n lately,thats a lot on things been goin on in my head....eg:is he having an affair with someone else there.....maybe he's get back wid his ex-gf....etc...well,too many things that it sometimes drives me nuts!n my friends are all waiting the time to tell me 'see,i told ya so!' ...but i need an advice here....its not wrong rite?i meant...to trust in somebody but doubt him/her in d same time?errmm....
whatever ur guys answer wud be....i still think...
Life Is Wonderful | |
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ixi0n
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Joined: 6/30/2004
Msg: 40 | |
| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 1:42:16 AM | I have a pretty simple thing I tell whoever I may perspectively date why? Because Im pretty honest, and straightforward..goes something like
"You have my full undaunted trust, up until you give me a reason NOT to trust you."
Why do I go to that extreme? When trust in a relationship is lost....there's no way for it to ever be fully restored thus diminishing how far that relationship can progress. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 2:32:18 AM | hi whooPer,
hmm...after reading what y'all been saying here...its freak me out a lit tho..my bf currently in ***** n lately,thats a lot on things been goin on in my head....eg:is he having an affair with someone else there.....maybe he's get back wid his ex-gf....etc...well,too many things that it sometimes drives me nuts!n my friends are all waiting the time to tell me 'see,i told ya so!' ...but i need an advice here....its not wrong rite?i meant...to trust in somebody but doubt him/her in d same time?errmm....
whatever ur guys answer wud be....i still think...
Life Is Wonderful
you have to get the facts first as you need to know if he is cheating on you. by simply doubting him you are trying to reinforce your trust. doubting him is sitting on the center of the fence, you move to neither side. Confirmation on his behavior is critical knowedge in which you can make decisions, At stake here at worst is you self worth if your trust gets pierced by his behaviour. After you know what is up you can sit down with him, communicate on how disappointed you are and if this is your first formal get together conversation, and you still have good feelings towards him, forgive once go back to things as usual and try to work out your differences through communication, open and honestly.
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 3:35:28 PM |  Positive attitude like yours wil always lead you to success. When the real deal comes along, you will know when its time to lay it all out on the table. Listen to you iner self, and most of all, learn to love yourself before you try an love another.
When you love yourself, the evil deeds of those who are posers, can't touch you! | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 3:35:35 PM | well to be honest "whooper"....if you trust someone, then why would you have doubts about them??....What have they done for you to be doubtful about them???....did they say something out of the ordinary??...hell if you are that concerned, you can do one of (3) things, pray to God for enlightment, or confront them and talk to them about, or if you really that scared...hire a Private Investigator to get evidence,.....now if thats too much, do what I would do......call "Cheaters" tv show and they can find out for free!!!!! | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 3:37:11 PM | Soul Seductive....Positive attitude like yours will always lead you to success.
For all others reading.....
When the real deal comes along, you will know when its time to lay it all out on the table. Listen to you inner self, and most of all, learn to love yourself before you try an love another.
When you love yourself, the evil deeds of those who are posers, can't touch you! | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 1/25/2006 8:20:14 PM | I had trust issues in my last relationship and they caused nothing but trouble. BUT He was acting shady and weird and it caused this huge insecurity in me. I had never ever been jealous before this guy. All these ppl would tell me he was a player, his ex would tell me horror stories.....bad bad bad. Then he stopped "being open" with me and yet would say nothin was wrong. I got very suspicious. I went looking into it and being paranoid about it...
So the door swings both ways. If you know your guy loves you, then you wont feel insecure or jealous. Don't blame it all on the chic. :)
And just fyi...It did drive me nuts and yeah I acted out on it. I'm sure he thinks I'm bizarre. | |
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Posted: 1/28/2006 3:10:40 AM | guy is acting shady and weird, for for what reason did you become jealous? what did he do to make you insecure? would you expect his ex to tell you he was the greatest guy ever? did he know you were diccussing him with his past relationships?
agree some doors swing both ways, but not all. insecurity was there way before you met this guy. self esteem with a lack of confidence might offer a clue?
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 1/28/2006 3:54:36 AM | I have trust issues, rooted as part of my being since childhood, but I let people know this if I get close to them, and it is something that, as a previous poster mentioned, is built, for me anyway.
I think though that, essentially, trust, in any relationship of worth, be it friendship or more, should be given, or at least given as much as one is able to (Speaking fer meself ;)), not earned.
Off topic, but relatable, I cannot stand how so many peeps make the statement, 'You have to EARN my respect'.
Bullshit, stop watching cheap fiction and live a little.
I don't HAVE to do anything, likewise, I do not HAVE to earn your trust.
These things grow at various rates over varying periods of time for a variety of relationships.
You have to earn my disrespect or distrust, should be more appropriate. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 1/28/2006 4:24:23 AM | The problem with not trusting one's partner is like that old saying, "A coward dies a 1000 deaths, a hero dies once."
Every time one doubts their partner they suffer. Doubting, jealousy, checking up on one's partner, suspicious mind....it's like taking the hurt of an affair and breaking it into small pieces to be endured over a long period of time. It's just not worth it. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 1/28/2006 5:16:48 AM | Trust is earned. In my opinion, a little bit of jeaolousy can be healthy for a relationship. I'm trustworthy, but I personally would not expect that anybody would trust me 100% immediately. I'm willing to earn that trust.
People that are too trusting often get cheated on! | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 1/30/2006 7:48:13 PM | lol Charlie. Well, he'd come home later and later and later. Spend most of his free time with his friends. He'd treat me differently when we were with his friends...when he had been 'normal' around them prior. Didn't have the time or money to go out with me, but all kinds of time and money to spend when I wasn't around... This was after four months together. I knew he was letting go, he just wouldn't say it. It drove me nuts.
No I didn't expect his ex to tell me great things, but the things she told me were exceptionally bad. It showed me that he had the potential of doing some very nasty things. It made me wonder and helped those little doubts become bigger.
No, I've never been distrusting before this guy and was never insecure. Barking up the wrong tree there Charlie, sorry to disappoint. Did I make mistakes? Yes I did. Do I blame him for them....nope. | |
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