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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/8/2006 6:55:57 PM | | First of all you should throw away her password. Whew, talk about trust issues! When my ex husband and I were in about the fourth month of dating he decided to snoop around while I was in the shower. It was a bad idea for him then, and it's a bad idea for you now. What my ex husband found was a journal and upon reading (violating my privacy) that for the first two months I was dating other men as well - we had not become "exclusive" until the third month and I although I did not, nor do I now have sex while dating more than one man, he could not help but become jealous. After all, I wrote in my journal that I was torn between him and another man. He could not handle it, decided right then and there that we should start dating other people ... he got what he asked for and two weeks later he was at my door on bended knee with an engagement ring, flowers and a proposal. I noticed that your post was from January, I do hope that by now you have done the right thing and all is well with you and the new gf. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/9/2006 2:05:09 PM | Well, my comments really were designed to specifically address private EMAIL and not journals and things of that nature. But, you see, this is exactly what I am talking about. I get the whole journal thing and getting your private thoughts out onto paper. I also get the whole respect for privacy. My but here is this. There was something there that you had not told your husband about. And in my opinion, it is the sort of thing that he should have been told prior to you guys getting serious. I mean, if he thought things were exclusive, and you were not being exclusive during that period of time, then it was something he had some right to be upset about, if only because you were not entirely open with him. Of course, if he knew that you guys were not exclusive, then his reaction to the information was way off base. Still, there should not be any real reason to feel you have to hide information of this nature from your SO and really, I can say that sharing the information is probably good, if only to prevent this kind of thing from happening. For me, there really is nothing my SO does not know at this point. I dont have to be nervous, or skirt issues or anything of that nature. I dont have to hide things or feel like any information really needs to be private to protect her feelings or whatever. And honestly, why should anyone have to feel that way?? Isnt that the kind of stress no one really needs?? What I think is that there are some people who LIKE to keep secrets. Listen, the truth is that if they like it now, they will like it later. I almost never stops at JUST one thing. It always goes beyond that eventually. If you have someone you are with who is oversensitive to what may or may not have happened in your past, you should consider being with someone who doesnt care quite so much. Everyone should be able to understand someones checkered past, as we all have one and no one is an angel. But hiding it?? I think its just a bad idea. Maybe its not a bad idea at first but after awhile, people should feel they can trust their partner with that information.
HOWEVER......None of this disproves anything I have said about private email accounts. Keeping those private from your spouse implies that you are specifically communicating with other people and you dont want your partner to know who they are or what is being communicated. It can be a major source of distrust in a relationship. It can be the REASON someone does not trust you, or does not trust you as you feel they should. I also believe that there are loyalty factors involved. Basically, my opinion is that when you are a couple, both persons should at least let friends and relatives know that they are in a relationship which is open and that anything they have to say to one person can, or will be said to the other. I have seen it before where it is NOT this way, usually among people who like to keep alot of stuff hush hush, or people who feel their spouse "will not approve". Well, if there is an issue, it should be discussed openly, not talked about behind someones back.
Even if your intentions are perfect, and I honestly would not believe you if you said they were, there is no way your partner can know that without having access and there is no way you can show them that its "not a big deal" without showing them that its not a big deal. I dont deal with people in a non trusting way. As I have said before, I am with someone now and have not had the faintest desire to see her email. But if I began to have that desire, it would be because she was already showing me signs that some sort of untrustworthy behavior was going on (which she isnt, by the way). And honestly, if she didnt want to show me why it was "no big deal" at that point, I would be forced to leave the relationship because SHE......remember she.........was doing things or saying things or acting in a fashion that I could not trust. Clearly there are some people who are wierd and assume any behavior to be behavior they cannot trust. I dont do that. Yet I have seen enough from people who HAVE done things behind my back to know what it looks like when I see it. At that point, I dont expect to hear the truth because, usually, the person already lied to me. So I must, for the good of my own self and my kids, for that matter, find out the truth. This doesnt apply in every circumstance but in the past, well, in one relationship, I SHOULD have searched, in another, I was GLAD I did because at least I had a hint of what was going on. But in both relationships, there were other things going on BEFORE the thought entered my mind. So, if there is nothing different going on, I dont see any need for it. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/15/2006 4:38:13 AM | | There are as many different ideas of what love is as there are people. Mine is a simple equation; LOVE = ADORATION+RESPECT+TRUST. If I can't trust someone, I wouldn't be there, so, "No, I would not read my lover's private e-mails", is the answer to your question. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/15/2006 7:43:15 PM | I do, I do... Oh was that a bad thing to say? LOL.. Anyways well if I suspected my spouse of cheating yea i'd probably be doing some reading and yea I would use that keylogger..
Even if I knew it was a bad, bad thing to do.. But then again so is cheating... :)
Now everybody on PoF is gonna ask their dates if they installed a Keylogger.. ROFLMA... :D
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/15/2006 8:53:49 PM | | [Here is an interesting question ... How many people would actually feel fully comfortable sharing their password with their sig. other ? Or sharing all their e-mails with them ?] Actually an SO gave me full access to his account I was suppose to organize it. Any e-mail he sent even to other women that he met before me on dating sites he let me read. He knows I know all his information and am curious enough to read it. He's has no qualms about it. He also had access to some of my accounts. He just didn't feel the need to know. People are just wired differently. So if you want full access to her accounts give her full access to yours. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/15/2006 9:50:34 PM | Oh man, this is a big bone of contention for me.
Ok, here goes. I had been talking to someone for many months, both online and by phone.
We finally decided I would visit him and his daughter in a different province.
Now please bare with me as this is leading to the main thread.
It rained the first 5 days I was there. I spent so much time watching tv, either while he was on the computer or at school.
My first full day there, he ate in front of me without asking if I would like anything or offering me anything. He then proceeded to tell me he was going to meet a friend for a couple of beers and shouldn't be more than 1/2hr. 3hrs later I went to bed.
Second day, he says he has to give his friend a ride to his truck so he can go to work. Where he had to drive his friend was 3hrs away and that he probably wouldn't come back that day but return the next day.
I was treated as if I wasn't even there and I watched so much tv and played games online as he allowed me to use his daughter's side of the computer.
Here's the kicker. I was totally confused as to the way I was being treated and was telling my daughter, one of the girls that I worked with and one of my other female friends exactly what was going on and that I wanted to come home. This all took place on MSN.
The girl from work was checking with the airline for me to see how much it would cost to change my flight home. I couldn't use his phone because he checked who had called and what numbers had been dialed out too. (I finally figured out how to delete any outgoing calls i made) LOL
Anyway, he proceeded to read my conversations with the 3 people I mentioned above and said that I was bashing him. He got very angry and then said he didn't want to talk about it.
So he turned it around to make me look like a bad person and it was like he had done nothing wrong.
Was telling the truth really bashing him? And if what I had said was good, would he have even said anything to me about reading my conversations?
Needless to say I spent the final 3 nights of my trip in a motel. I would have left sooner if I had enough money to go to the motel sooner. I was so relieved to get out of there!
All in all, it's wrong to read other people's conversation, emails, etc. And don't get me wrong, I did try to talk to him about the way I felt before he read my conversations.
I'm glad to hear that you did talk to her about it Lil Devil and happy that things worked out for you. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 2:51:46 AM | ok its called privacy. On the assumption the person is not cheating but has an insecure spouse for some reason in their past, then:
-Have one your insecure spouse can see and have access to
-Have a second one for yourself that doesn't identify you and they won't think you have because they think your using the one they have access to. Cover you a** by using the harmless one once in awhile with harmless emails. While using the personal one for the stuff they don't need to know about.
That is horribly wrong as far as I'm concerned. If my spouse did that ... wow. No way. NO. Not even close to acceptable! No! Wow...No. You said the word "spouse"... to me this implies the hypothetical people you speak of are actually in a married relationship, not just dating a few months. So saying "personal stuff they don't need to know about"... A million times big no - no. I don't believe in the word "personal" when relating to a spouse. Absolutely anyone else, YES... spouse no.
Everyone's happy. Remember if the person isn't cheating, then even if the person does find the other email, they won't have done anything wrong. Personal emails with your sister or parents aren't anyone's business. Mail confirmations for presents ordered online for Xmas, stuff like that. Even personal journals with private thoughts. Its just personal.
Again, I do not believe in Personal when it comes to a MARRIED spouse. I do not understand why one would marry and become one with the other person if they wanted to keep certain things private. Why would one feel the need to keep a secret from an extension of themselves? I can respect privacy of friends, parents, children, relatives, but I do not marry a person because I feel a need for privacy. I just want you to be aware there are other view points out there besides the one you have presented. I grant my opinion is not the popular one, but it is still there.
I think that this is a matter that should be discussed between each couple so that they can decide what works for them together. As long as the two in the relationship are in agreement of what is appropriate and what is not acceptable, no one else's opinion matters though.
It is now 5 am... I must get some sleep... I will try to check back in at some point tomorrow. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 3:24:10 AM | | I wouldent venture there . NO TRUST NO RELATIONSHIP .but in saying that you also have to be completly honest with your partner so as no to stirr their curiosity and leave them wondering what you could be hideing from them .. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 3:30:18 AM | not all secrets are bad.
Some things your spouse doesn't need to know.
small example: My parent recently came by just to vent and tell me something because they wanted to tell someone and felt comfortable telling me. After it was said I was asked to keep it between us. Now if I tell my spouse, I break my promise and word of trust to my parent. They confided in me. Why does my spouse need to know what my parent said?
Thats an example. There's no reason I need to tell her about that conversation. Serves no purpose and betrays my parent's trust to ever tell me anything again. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 3:36:39 AM | | If your spouse did have a secret email you knew nothing about then how can you say you wouldn't tolerate it? Thats the point. You wouldn't know about it to get angry. Not saying its right but why should anyone have to pay the price of insecurity just because their spouse was treated badly by someone else a long time ago? Its their problem, not mine. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 6:39:59 AM | The last LTR I was in was with a man in another city.One morning he IMed me, and said he was trying to forward an e-mail to me, but couldn't get it to send. So, he wanted to know if I'd go to his mail box and look at it and sent me the pass word, with the request that I not look at anything else. Oh please,,, So, I read the message he wanted me to see, but while looking for it, I read the subject line of other mail in the box. Call me wrong, but eventually I read every thing there, drafts, saved folders, deleted items, junk, sent mail,,, I didn't miss anything. There were at least six e-mails from me that he'd never opened and everything else was to or from other women..... He was actively engaged in cyber-sex with multipule women during the time he was in a real life relationship with me. He had actually asked me to marry him the week before. Why did he give me the pass-word???? I have no clue..... Maybe it was his way of ending the relationship, maybe he trusted me to do as he said and read only the single message.
But, it ended the relationship as far as I was concerned,,,, am I sorry I read his mail??? NO!!! Would I do it again???? In a heartbeat! Maybe I broke his trust, but he didn't deserve it, and I saved myself a lifetime of grief with this man.
Does he get that I am all done???? I guess not, as I've been writing this, he just e-mailed me, he wants to talk and I'm not answering the phone. I may be nosey,,, but he is a playah!!!
Well, that's my 2 cents worth,,,,
Texasbaby | |
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Hezron
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Joined: 12/15/2005
Msg: 240 | |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 7:58:36 AM | | All women snoop. It is just a fact. Accept it. I usually hide notes in strange places that just say "Caught you snooping!!!" They always find them and then get upset that I thought they would go and snoop...god bless them for their insanity!!!!! | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 9:03:38 AM | Well if your SO is stupid enuff to leave the stuff out in the open where you can get to it, then he deserves to be caught and dumped like trash. At least you know.
However your bad experience with the one idiot shouldn't ruin it for the next guy. Not every person is alike. What if he's been burned too and starts prying into YOUR private affairs. Shoe's on the other foot then. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 9:41:13 AM | heres a spin on things
suppose you have e-mail accounts that are used soo rarely that you forgot about them.
I recently rediscoved an old e-mail account I had in Hotmail that I used exclusively to communicate with a girl I was dating in another city. I will point out that this realationship was long over and we had both moved on. because this was an account that only one person had access too I left the box saying remember my name and password checked
my computer itself was password protected and this was the password I gave to my SO
this was fine for a while untill the innactive account site sent me an e-mail saying that
the account was going to be shut down due to the inactivity and wanted to know if I wished to reactivate it. this message was sent to the alternate e-mail address that i had to provide when I activated the forgotten account. well my SO being the helpful soul that she is
good bless her suspicious heart  decided to save me the trouble and reactivate it for me using the information provided. This took her to the account where the accumulation of this long dead relationship were all still sitting. right where she could see each and every one. some of the headers were pretty steamy too and with the natural female curiosity that just has to be satiated, she began reading,,,,, and reading,,, in fact she was still reading when I got home from work. the dust is still settling to say the least
the engagement is off and while we are still talking there is a definate drop in trust
I can't fault her for her curiosity because when she asked how many other relationship I had been in I only breifly mentioned the other girl because our breakup was not pleasant and to this day is still a touchy subject with me. all because of the trust I placed inmy SO, Ilost her because of a long dormat account and a long dead relationship.
I don't feel as if I had done anything wrong, but she accuses me of hiding this other woman from her and still thinks that we meet clandestinely because we all live in the same area of the city. My trust cost me a relationship even though I committed no offense
and I don't look at me as stupid, chances are if the dormant account site hadn't sent the reactivation request when they did she never would have discovered the extent of long dead relationship. basically I'm a victim of incredibly bad timing
would i trust her again? sure, I love her, but that trust wouldbe diminished to some extent
to answer the thread, I believe full and complete openess on both sides is the best way to go especially if the couple is planning on taking it to a committed lifelong partnership
but we all forget about somethings and we shouldn't be held accountable for actions that occoured previously to the relationship
just my two bucks worth | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 9:46:05 AM | And an excellent two bucks worth it is oobeedoobee!
She should have accepted your explanation as she could plainly see the account had been dormant long enough that they had to send you an email about it!
And for her to call off the engagement over something that was long over just doesn't make sense to me.
So sorry things didn't work out for you! | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 9:59:34 AM | Thanks Denimandlace
I am optimistic that we'll eventually be able to patch up the friendship
I don't know if it will ever get back to the way it was.
one day maybe, perhaps, I'm not going to speculate. as it stands things are over
neither family is happy about it, hers especially. but in any case life goes on
isn't it funny how the worst ending relationships are usually the hottest?
both of these ladies were fantastic and while I don't regret the earlier relationship ending
I do regret that it had to be the catylist for the ending of this one
the interent can be a boon or a bane depending on the circumstances
if my job didn't depend on it, I'd give it up | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 10:16:50 AM | You're very welcome oobeedoobee!
Yeah it is funny how the worst ending ones are usually the hottest! LOL
As far as i'm concerned, what happened in prior relationships should be left in the past. If you feel that you can talk to your SO about your past relationships in a calm and sane manner then fine.
Was obeedoobee's giving out his passwords worth being that trusting with his SO?
I don't think I could give my passwords to a SO for the simple fact that I could truly and honestly forget about a past account as did he. Not that I have any. That I can remember anyway! LOL | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 10:29:28 AM | I agree OOB, isn't there a date stamp on those emails? She can see they are very old and haven't ever been opened by you can't she? In fact she was the first one to open them.
You didn't "keep this girl from her". Its your past and thats where it belongs. With the exception of children and medical issues, whatever happened between you and an ex-girlfriend isn't her business at all.
I had similar things happen from ancient email accounts I'd forgotten about. You definitly got screwed by the bad timing bug. Sorry, man. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/16/2006 10:44:54 AM | | if i had any doubts, i would ask her to log on and show me her e-mails. if she wouldn't do that, then my doubts would increase, then i would have grounds to end the relationship. no i wouldn't hack into my lover's private e-mail accounts. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 3/17/2006 7:48:33 AM | | Sometimes it's just best to let it go. I've had this happen to me. When I was married my husband put key-logger on our computer. Sometimes a email is just a email. The internet can be a vast world of make-believe and temptation. If your happy and things are going well, then just let it go. There was really nothing to find, however it (and other things) helped distroy the marriage! It was horrible to have someone overlook and spy on my every hope, dream or friendship. | |
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