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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 1:08:25 PM | | In a good relationship, looking at anything that your partner does isn't thought of as invadeing. When it is looked at like that. My alarm would go off and I wpould wonder why. I don't like to wonder why long, because I don't like to guess, and have the stress. Its all open are nothing there, and I walk. Thats how we are. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 1:16:45 PM | | hi reading your replies has really made me think i did not read the emails of my ex but did see the chat logs. when someone cheats on you to find what has been said between two people online can be devastating to you. and any lies that are said about yourself can be even more so. i cant preach to any of you to say do or do not read private emails of other people especialy of those who you might love,the email might be totaly innocent. all i say is think hard before you do ,can you handle what you might find? if not dont do it . it nearly cost me my life.anyway im still here best wishes to everyone for 2006 | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 1:31:55 PM | Hmm? Im don't think having a keylogger installed on your own pc sais anything other than you want to know who is typing what on your pc.
Lots of good points here, but everyone has their own morality that they have to live with. I have been in similar situations, and you have to decide how your decisions will affect you. People are defined by their actions. Not how they perceive themselves or how they try to portray themselves to others. I guess what Im saying is that no matter what, if you check her e-mail, it means you are the type of person that does not care for others privacy (even someones you should respect the most....a significant other), because of your own insecurities. Like many have said, talk to her about it. Tell her you happened to see who it was from and the subject. Don't give her the third degree, but question her about it. Is he trying to get back together with her? Also tell her you could have checked yourself what was e-mailed to her, but didnt out of respect and need the truth from her.
I had an incident...WAY back when. My gf and I had gotten back together after a 6 mos break. I was worried about another guy she had dated. I had valid suspicions that there was still something going on. She left her senior high (told you it was along time ago) photos in my car and they slid off the seat and spilled on the floor. They all dumped out. When I went to pick them up, I noticed his name on the back of a few on them (hidden under all the unsigned ones). I couldnt help myself and honestly not sure if I would have read them if I did not already have had strong suspicions, but I already suspected (not just insecure, but was 75% sure I was being played the fool), so I read them. Turns out she was still seeing him. Long story short, I saved myself alot of time, grief and maybe an STD or two. I confronted her and ended it. I cant imagine how I would have felt to trust her and find out after....years ?.....that our relationship was a joke to her.
If you seriously think there is something going on and can't get past it, maybe you need to check. If it is gonna bug you and affect your relationship, then mayber you need to check. But just be prepared. Your choice may have quite a profound affect on you and her. If you check, it will be easier to do the same or maybe take things a step farther the next time. Someone said it already...it is a sloppery slope.
gl with your decision. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 1:39:34 PM | Man...I have been there! My ex husband was a snoop. He invaded my privacy all the time...went through my purse, read my email, would check my cell phone bill and call the numbers on it and ask the people who answered why I called them and how they knew me.
One time I used my cell phone to call numbers for something I was looking for that was advertised in the classifieds. He called those numbers to find out why I was phoning them and at one of the numbers, someone said...I don't know the name but is she hot and does she fvck like a minx?
My ex went insane over that and I thought he was going to kill me. He never laid a hand on me but the fight we had made me scared. It was not too long after that, that we seperated.
Funny thing is I NEVER cheated on him but he did on me. He wanted me to know everytime he had a girlfriend. He would leave letters he received from his current woman lying around so I would find them, and of course...if the letter was sitting openfaced on the table, I was going to pick it up and read. The letters were not in envelopes that I had to physically open and remove. They were sitting out on the table and for all I knew, they could have been letters for me that were left there for me to read before it was answered or filed.
But to actually make the effort to snoop in a persons email or other private documents...no I would not. One time I helped a BF set up his MSN. He was just not internet savy...so I did the set up for him, and when it came time for him to choose a password, I turned my head away. He said...that is ok. I don't mind you knowing the password...but I did not want to know it. It was his business, and even tho I had "been there done that" with someone obessive and jealous, I would not let that trait carry over to myself. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 1:43:41 PM | This has got to be one of the coolest threads ever !
It raises so many different issues ... ethical, philosophical, and otherwise.
For instance ... if something was going on ... would you rather NOT know, or know ?
Clearly many people would rather be in the dark.
Some people watch the news, and others would rather not.
Knowledge is no doubt a powerful thing ... and sometimes the truth really hurts.
Is it better to live in denial ?
This goes back as far as the Garden of Eden, when Eve decided to eat the apple from the tree of knowledge ... if you believe in that sort of thing. The temptation for knowledge is almost universal, and is centuries old.
For those that would spy on their significant other, I think the reasons are clear ... knowledge and protection (and arguable power and control). It shouldn't be very surprising that some people want these things !
Interestingly, our own government does this ... right ? Through the Patriot Act, we have decided that the privacy of some people is not as important as our desire for information, knowledge, and protection.
It is not hard to abstract this to a personal level ... some people want that information, knowledge, and protection ... and they are willing to sacrifice this idea of "privacy" in order to obtain it.
Then there is this whole issue of how we make personal connections, and just how well we really get to know anyone. Existentialism !
I really have to wonder though ... how many of those that reacted almost violently in the negative, would really stick to their position in a crunch ?
WHAT IF you stumbled on your lovers diary ?
Why do they feel so strongly about this issue of privacy ? They believe that every individual has a right to something that is their "own" ... that is not to be shared.
Just what is the scope of this "private world" ? If it becomes too extensive doesn't it become a barrier to relationships ? Most people would agree that having a lot of boundaries is not condusive to "true love".
I have lived in my own private world almost my entire live. The regions of my mind which I will not share with others is fairly vast ... though sometimes I really want to open up, but my thinking is often too non-traditional.
Of course, we share different things with different people.
How many people have had friends confide in them with the "truth" about how they really feel about their significant other ... and how many people WOULDN'T be curious to find out what their significant other said about them when confiding with their friends ?
I'm not talking about infidelity even ... nothing that dramatic.
Wouldn't you be curious to know what they really say about your sexual performance ? About your intelligence ? About how in love with you they really are ?
It is also interesting that some people have nothing to hide ... while others clearly do.
This thread is insidious and toxic.
It thrives on peoples doubts and insecurities.
It makes us all wonder ...
That's precisely why I like it.
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 1:44:10 PM | Now this is a really terrible post!!
everyone can think how they want and it truely is something that merits discretion as "how to handle it" but i say it this way and , i personally don't care what anyone thinks about it!!
trust your heart and follow your instincts,,, first and foremost!!
secondly if you think something is wrong, then follow up on it with the resources that you have,,, you have the key,, now open the door,,,, if nothing is happening then throw the key out and disregard it as a blatant misgiving of your own insecurities,,, she is none the wiser and you can now be aware that all is well in your house of cards!!
if you happen to come across something that you think sounds odd then find a way to bring that topic up in a very non aggressive manner,, see if she tells you the truth and fesses up or lies to you about the incident,, if she is telling you the truth about it then the likelyhood of something happening is about slim to none,, however if she lies then you can put her and the rest of the story to the curb because what you thought was wrong in your relationship WAS wrong. end of story. right !!
you all can think i am a person that doesn't trust ,, but i do actually,,, once you lose everything you have ever worked for in your life because you trusted someone,, and stuck to that time Honored value of give trust always and just wait to be screwed,,,, because if you look at it this way ,,, someone who will cheat will probably cheat again, someone who lies will probably lie again,, Go ahead and live with your own sense of Honor and Dont check or trust your instincts,, and get your heart broken and lose everything you have. If I think something is going wrong I am going to check out things in My world because when it all comes down to it,,, Trust Honesty and Respect are things that build and make a decent relationship,,, but even a car needs to be checked out once in awhile right? | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 1:57:57 PM | | I think the differents between us is its o.k. I once found something that I miss understood to, we all do it at one point, and I gave him hell about it. Turns out I had to say sorry. Was he mad at me. No, he said if he would of came accross the same thing from me, then he would of reacted the same way. Thats the differents in us. Its o.k. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 2:00:31 PM | I can't get enough of this thread.
To further refine my thoughts from earlier ... though the motivations are simply enough to understand, it's occured to me they are distinct.
Knowledge:
Some people would simply like to know "things" ... so as to be better equiped to make decisions about the relationship.
Control:
Others want to "know", but then they want to control as well.
If I succumbed, my motivations would fall into the "know" category. I have no interest in controlling people. Ultimately they will do whatever they want. Controlling someones behavior or life does not change the way they think.
But ... the desire to KNOW what they truly think ... or to be totally confirmed in your hunches ... that's a powerful temptation.
Maybe the reason it is so powerful for me is precisely because I have spent so much time in my own private world ... so I know about the discrepancies between this world and the world you share.
That's not to say I lie. It's just ... we don't always tell the whole truth.
Anyway ... I'm still not sure how I would answer the original question ... I honestly don't know what I would do. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 2:03:42 PM | Hmm? Im don't think having a keylogger installed on your own pc sais anything other than you want to know who is typing what on your pc.
fine, put a post it note on your monitor that's says a keylogger is active, use at your own risk.
If you don't want people using your pc for things you have no clue about why not secure your pc rather then leaving it wide open for anyone to use and keylogging everything they type on it...just a thought.
And Yami the whole purpose of the credit reporting system is to track the credit worthiness of people for business purposes. The only people who should be pulling it are those your applying for credit with or have an ongoing financial relationship with. If an employer wants to pull it they ask your permission as well.
If your pulling credit reports of people that your just personally involved with, friends, girlfriends, and family without their knowledge your an untrustworthy nosey douchebag IMO... 
And little devil, the only good that can come from spying on your girlfriend is confirming that she's cheating on you. Do you already suspect this anyway?
Have you even bothered to try to talk to her and mention you oversaw her ex's "Re: Don't make me have to call you !" email header while she was on your computer and are curious what that's about and try to gauge her response to you bringing it up?
(to me a header like that suggests he's not getting the email reply from her that he wants and he isn't even sure she's bothering to open his emails so he's trying to play her into emailing him back or he'll start calling and possibly mess with your head and screw her relationship with you up...she's probably already told him DONT CALL ME ANYMORE i'm with someone else now and she is afraid he's going to cause her trouble with you, now he's trying to use that to his advantage)
don't let this f-cker screw with your head and ruin what might be a perfectly good relationship, talk to her,try to find out what the hell is going on. She may just be being protective of her relationship and figures any mention of whats going on is going to screw things up between you and her, it's up to you to let her know your concerned about what you saw and what you need from her re this situation, maybe then she'll open up about what's going on...
tigersam makes some good points but if it turns out nothing is going on and it's all just your own insecurities at work you've started down that slippery slope of spying on her and you can't just throw the key away short of suggesting it's time for her to change her password...
You could always ask her about what you oversaw saw first, gauge her response and if you then try and snoop through her email anyway and the passwords already been changed hmmmm....now your really screwed and feeling insecure and left wondering. lol | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 39 | |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 3:34:36 PM | Wow - talk about a hot potato here! Interesting posts here. OP - if you decide to talk to gal pal about what you saw, be prepared for her reaction, it's going to be some anger, and she'll feel her invasion of privacy is invaded. If you do fess up about having a keylogger on your computer, I guarantee, you will have to work hard to build up her trust.
I can't fault you in the sense that when you saw the email from her ex, that you're wondering what is up. One thing in your post, you don't say in what capacity her ex is (boyfriend/husband, etc), and if there are children involved or other matters which are unsettled, which would give her a reason to call him.
To go through one's email; wallet; purse; cell phones, etc. is nothing but a mere invasion of privacy. It's a tough call to make especially when cheating may be suspected. Trust has to be earned. The best thing you can do is discuss this issue with your gal pal. A month or two of dating has hardly provided you both with sufficient time to develop trust with each other. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 4:07:26 PM | You have already violated her trust by secretly stealing her pasword. It wont matter if she has stuff to hide (cheating) or not. As soon as she finds you took her password she will feel violated. Just like a peeping Tom watching her getting changed.
I am sure that you would just love for her to look through all your email. You sure you werent emailing other women while you have been seeing her? Is it your guilt that makes you want to check up on her? If you think shes cheating then talk to her and break up. You cannot solve anything by spying.
Yes she may have something to hide and therefore you will end it if shes cheating. If she isnt cheating she will end it because you are a controlling person that spies on their gf. All that you can hope is you find she is cheating so you can then have the proof to dump her. If she has you so worried about it then dump her now and dont bother to get the proof.
I had a similar tip off a few years ago. My gf at the time used my computer a lot and had saved her chat on my computer. I was cleaning up files and found a file that I hadnt seen before. The name wasnt anything that indicated what it was and I didnt even know what type of file it was. I opened it and it was a chat conversation between her and another guy. It was disturbing as it did mention that she was cheating on me but I had already found it out by the time i found that file. I dont know how or why it was saved on the computer. all i can think is it was by mistake. I know I have tried to open another browser by clicking "open in new window" and its selected "save target" instead. I think the program was ICQ but I havent used that in eons and not sure how easy it is to save a conversation. I did have similar thoughts as you about wishing i knew all she did on the computer but you have to let it go. If you cant trust then the feelings of uncertainty will drive you nuts.
If you want a relationship you have to trust. That means that if your gf cheats then you will hurt because she broke that trust. Thats just the way it goes. You cant have a relationship based on trust when you are spying on her to ensure you can trust her. You have only been going out a month or two. Not a good way to start off. If there is something about her that leads you not to trust her them dump her now. What you have done is just as bad as cheating. She trusts you and you have secretly betrayed that trust.
Best thing to do is forget her password. Tell her that you have a program on your computer that records whats typed so she knows not to use it for anything requireing a password. Tell her to change her passwaord as it may have been recorded. But Im betting she is now going to be worried about how much she can trust you.
Breaking a lovers trust is really hard to fix. either you love her and trust her or you dont. decide for yourself. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 5:04:36 PM | Ok here's a reason why he doesn't need to see my email:
If I wanna rag on my inlaws and speak completely freely without having a drag out fight with him as he defends his parents, then I need that privacy to be able to vent to my friends or my own family.
In this case what he doesn't know will help us both cuz I get my frustrations off my chest and feel better and he doesn't feel all stressed about what I had to say. He can't change his parents, therefore telling him only upsets him and won't help. But it does help if I can tell someone I can trust like my own mom and just get it out without any feedback.
Reason 2: Presents bought online. Website sends confirmation. Damn now he knows what he's getting. Ruined suprise. He didn't need to see that.
Reason 3: He doesn't need to know what my best friends or family had to say about thier own lives thinking they were talking only to me in confidence.
People are entitled to SOME privacy. Wait better look in the bathroom girls. He may be up to something on the pooper... oh no. Give the paranoia a rest. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 5:26:31 PM | | People will believe what they want to believe and create the facts to support their theory so they can prove to themself that their feelings were in fact, justified. Retrieving a password of someone who has used your home comp is not a good way to BEGIN a relationship. Everyone has a past, and past relationships. Some in fact are still good friends with past relationships. If you can't trust someone enough with an email from an ex, forget about having a relationship until your trust and security issues have been dealt with. My private thoughts, and my private conversations, emails, letters are just that, private, no one else's business but my own. If I want to share them with another person, I will. I don't like other people using my computer, just for that reason. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 6:06:32 PM | | I too thought someone in my life would never cheat on me, and he did. But that doesn't make me unique, sad to say! All you can do in that case is write it off, and that's what I did (and I'm not with that person anymore.) | |
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YX32
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Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 45 | |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 6:09:20 PM | | Insecurity rules the mind of someone who would read their lover's private emails...Either personally insecure or insecure within the relationship...Either way, it's time to move on...before you make step in that direction...you'll only make a fool of yourself... | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 6:22:49 PM | well personally I got stuff on my email about my weght and diet plans and that's private between my nutritionist and me.
Does that count as a reason for privacy?
He doesn't NEED to know my weight or how often I get cramps or any other female bodily things I got going on..
Privacy IS ok, people. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 6:26:45 PM | Depends what is at stake, surely?
Anyone here ever been in the position where the messages a partner sends to others might contain crucial information that if got to early enough might allow some measure of damage limitation? When the home, the business, the car, the kids and the dog are at stake, and every word that issues from her pretty lips is a lie, then you'll look into anything, and with good cause. Men stand to lose badly. Women in England trust that the law will rob husbands of everything for them.
At the height of my troubles I was instructed by my advisors to keep a comprehensive diary. Things were so bad, and so much crap was flying my way, that I wrote 17,000 words over two months! I made copies, lodged them with trusted friends, and then let her find my diary....
Two days later I found my troubles easing! 
Split was 'amicable' and financially 'reasonable'. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 6:27:26 PM | Well.. I think I can speak from a position of experience here. I’ve just gotten out of a relationship, Since we’ve been together, she has violated my privacy (both personal and internet) numerous times. Then throwing it in my face. In most of the cases, all the IM’s were civil and playful between friends. Some of which I personally known for almost 20 years. Some of them were a rather flirty, and I’ll admit toed the line. But a lot of the IM’s were to friends I trust, that I could vent to and ask for advice
These.. were some of them were messages about my deepest FEELINGS in how our relationship was going good or bad.
Since she’s done this, we are no longer together. To violate ones privacy on a physical level you call it rape. Why should the violation of a persons most private thought and communiqué with friends and family all over the world be considered anything less??? If the information was to be shared.. it would have been done so. Your having her password is nothing more than a excuse to make a pre-emptive strike against her. Whether she has done anything or not to hurt your relationship. You have a responsibility to her privacy as much as she does to respect yours…
My question to you is,,, why do you have a keylogger? And what might you be hiding?…. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/3/2006 6:31:16 PM | First of all, I dont necessarily agree with reading someones email. Mainly because it shows a level of mistrust which is not needed. On the other hand, for myself, I operate, maybe a little differently than most of you. My email is public knowlege to my SO. They know how to get into it and can read whatever they want. I feel comfortable with that because I know I am not doing anything wrong. While I understand privacy issues, I would tell everyone on here that the more you keep private from your partner, the less trust they will have for you. That is only natural, I think. That is why, I personally dont have any boundaries about what someone can see. I dont feel the need to have privacy FROM my SO. Just a personal decision I made a long time ago. And you know, it inspired the desired result. There really was alot of trust there. It would be nice if people could feel ok about being more open with each other.
But hey, listen, have you ever met someone who is OVERLY protective about their privacy?? That is the kind of person who you really have trouble trusting because you wonder why?? Like I told you above, I have no privacy when it comes to my mate. It just doesnt happen. I really dont want any. I dont need any. There are no secrets and it feels good for me because I dont have to walk around with the fear of someone finding out, or misinterpreting anything. I think this is the best method, if you have nothing to hide. Basically, I guess I am saying, if there is nothing to hide, then claim it and prove it. No shame in that. You are only showing that you are a trustworthy person, I think. | |
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