| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 7:45:10 AM | I'm not surprised by the passionate responses. People place a high priority on privacy. There are just a couple of other things I would like to say about this.
First, I'll explain how HER own snooping is the very reason we are together in the first place, and secondly, I'll try and explain exactly how it is I came by her password ... which was actually quite accidental, and not as pre-meditated as it seems.
A few months ago, she was at her boyfriends apartment surfing on his computer while he was at work. I guess curiosity got the best of her, because she started checking out his bookmarks. She then discovered that he had a profile on a singles site, and that he had recently logged in. Being upset, she then set up her own profile (on a different site), and that is how we met.
We chatted for a couple of months just as friends, until one day when she was at her boyfriends once again, and an IM window popped up (he had forgotten to log out). Reluctantly at first, she decided to respond to it and impersonate him. That chat conversation is why she broke up with him, and why we are together today.
Some of you may wonder why I would even date anyone under these conditions. Well, the answer is that I can relate to her situation, and I'm not sure if I would have done anything differently. Perhaps some of you really do stick to the "standards" you so passionately express here. I have always been more fluid in the way I look at the world. There is little that is "make or break" for me. I am very forgiving and understanding. The human condition is flawed ... I accept that. Ultimately, perhaps my measuring stick is just different from yours.
** Techno Babble Follows **
I work for a university and part of my job is being a "first responder" for all the trojans, keyloggers, spyware, etc ... that students routinely install on computers all over campus. This means I have to install this stuff on my computer, work out virus definitions for them (checksums), figure out how to uninstall them, etc ...
I have a "virtual" computer at home (and work) that is "sandboxed" that I use for this. My girlfriend jumped online while I was out buying beer. When I walked back in she was checking her email. The keylogger I had been fiddling with (and I usually have several malware/trojans/spyware programs installed on in this "sandboxed" computer at any given time) had duly been logging everything she had been doing.
So ... her password sort of fell into my lap so to speak.
She knows about the kind of work I do, but clearly was just not thinking about it too much. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:26:51 AM | Hello
the balls in your court. Its what you do with this ....that makes you who you are. Talk to her...never know she might want your in put and if not then everything on the up and up..never hold back on feel and what you want ...or how you feel.........
I would have just ask about it..... | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:29:09 AM | I have to say firstly I disagree here...in my candid opinion, moving on from an ex means walking away and not looking back. I always say leave the past in the past...and since there is a chance she isn't, then I wouldn't say it necessarily makes her untrustworthy, but I think it lowers her loyalty factor, which is huge in my books.
I always tell my boys, 'you have to be a love cop and find the evidence', but you can't show it as a weakness.
My opinion, good job so far, you caught a glimpse of her e-mail and you noticed there is a chance that she is being disloyal, but you need more hard evidence.
And sometimes ex's are just losers who stalk you after getting caught screwing around and continue to send you emails like "Don't make me have to call you!" even after you tell them to f-ck off, i hate you! leave me alone already...just a thought
nice of you to teach your boys to distrust everyone they care about...i wonder if they trust you to not be a psycho dad when it comes to their privacy? or are you talking about your "boys"...as in the guys you hang out with and give relationship advise to? | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:36:02 AM | @crunchberries
I absolutely agree with what you are saying. I find the way you describe a relationship, as being the epitome of openness and trust, with abosolutely no boundaries, as terribly romantic. It sounds reminiscent of the way I was with my best friends when i was younger. That degree of openness can be very beautiful, and as you pointed out, fosters a tremendous degree of trust.
Many people are not interested in that type of a relationship though. For them, there will always be topics and thoughts that they are uncomfortable in bringing up. Someone mentioned something about feeling tight in their dress, or what they think of the inlaws, etc ...
Call me an idealist, but I would like to have the type of relationship where my gf does not even show the slightest hesitation in sharing with me the fact that she is feeling tight in her dress. I'd like there to be no doubt as to what my reaction to this would be (time to buy a new dress !). Also, if she had serious problems with the "in-laws", I'd like to hear it.
I'm not saying one way is better than another. I've always been a somewhat guarded person. I think the way you look at relationships is beautiful though, and something to be strived for.
I wonder what the source of this "guardedness" is though ? Why do I hold on to this private world of mine ? Why can't I simply knock down all barriers and be as open as you ?
When I really think about it ... I'm not necessarily proud of the answers to all those questions. The answers reveal doubts, insecurities, guilt, things I am not proud of, and areas that I am not sure of.
Just as an example ... I wonder what my gf would think of my vast collection (of very kinky) porn ? I haven't gone out of way to hide it from her ... she knows I've had some interest in it in the past ... but I have not let her in on just how big it is either. So there you go ... there are those doubts and fears I was talking about. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:56:24 AM | @indy420
Thought I already pointed this out (is the board acting weird today ?), but ... not to make the OP feel any worse, but if the e-mail header said "Re: Don't make me have to call you !", that implies that the subject of HER original e-mail to HIM was "Don't make me have to call you !".
So, apparently she was going to call her ex up for whatever reason.
Of course, it could have been completely innocent. For example, perhaps she just left all her S&M equipment over at his house and she needed to get it back to use on the new boyfriend.
Why am I being so naughty ? | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 9:05:59 AM | little_devil... Thanks for coming back and explaining how the password 'fell' into your lap. In your line of work this is an easily enough thing that can be had, and of no direct consequence of any malicious intent that you might have been accused of. At my school I wouldn't be surprised if my password is able to be found out by the admin there. But I trust them and know that they are there to help, not to snoop. It really takes a form of paranoia to think that some in those positions would even be interested in my private emails and I am sure I have no real reason to be paranoid. But enough of that... .
In my earlier post I said that it would be ok to peek at the email to ensure that the relationship was healthy (Under certain conditions, of course, refer back to the post, msg 10, for them). Now I have another angle to consider. That of defense. What if you are worried that an ex is about to go psycho? You would know and thus would be mentally forearmed and able to supplant your girlfriend's position.
So that is another aspect to consider. People love another enough to do anything to protect them, right?
For some people knowledge is a bitter pill. For others it is just information, info that can be used for bad or good. May it be for good. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 9:21:54 AM | louispointe, I hear you... it's possible she sent the first email and he was replying to it.
However it's also possible he sent her the email "Don't make me have to call you!" and she replied to it and told him yet again, leave me alone! The header at this point is now "Re:", if he refuses to take the hint and replies back to her it remains "Re:", at least in MS Outlook it does...
as little_devil says she dumped him so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that it's him that's sent the original "Don't make me have to call you!" email... but I could be wrong about that.
who knows? she does, so he could just ask her "you know when I came home yesterday and you were using my computer to check you email I couldn't help but see you had an email from your ex that said something like "don't make me have to call you". Sorry i tried to just forget about it but it's been bugging me ever since i saw it, what's with that? Is he continuing to pursue you or something, or won't he give you your stuff back???" | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 9:40:41 AM | If she gets upset and defensive about him having seen it, whatever! Who does she have to blame?
She's at his place using his computer while he runs out to the store and when he gets back she obviously doesn't close her browser out fast enough for him to not see what she's been doing. If she didn't want him to see her email she could of just clicked the little X box in the upper right corner when he walked back in... if she didn't want him to see her stuff and was slow about it that's her fault he saw what he saw.  | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:21:32 AM | Crunchberries,
I agree wholeheartedly with your take on it....just to clarify...I did say rarely...the only reason I included that was because I did have a relationship with someone who held a very different opinion than I about openness in a relationship....it wasn't because I was uncomfortable saying it to him....more like he was unable to hear it.....as I mentioned in the tell men how to listen thread...I start to feel too removed from someone if I cannot share my stuff with them. I agree with all points you have made.
mc | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:41:22 AM | Getting someone's credit history is waaaay different than breaking into their email. Their credit history doesn't contain their personal thoughts and feelings, and it wasn't created under the impression that it was private and for the eyes of the recipient only.
OT: The fact that you are considering breaking into her email account to read her mail instead of asking her flat out what the message was about says a lot about how much SHE can trust you. Instead of playing sneaky little boy spy games, why not just ask her about it?
Just say "Baby, when you were here the other day, I saw this over your shoulder and it's been bugging me ever since." Chances are damned good that it'll be something as simple and innocent as 'He still has five of my favorite CDs and I want them back.' No matter what though, you'll be able to judge from her reaction if you really do have something to worry about in your relationship -- and you'll have shown her that she can trust you to bring up things that concern you rather than running around behind her back or just assuming the worst. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 11:04:25 AM | to Louis:
Because if I bring up his family, he gets defensive right away and protects his mommy and daddy no matter how wrong they are or manipulative they are being. Since I don't want a friggin fight everytime they are mentioned, and nothing ever gets solved talking to him about them, I just vent on people like my own parents who care to listen and give feedback or support if they feel I need it. Makes me feel better to voice it and get positive feedback and he's not all uptight about having to defend his "perfect" family again.
So short answer: Its about choosing my battles and choosing to avoid this particular conflict. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 11:13:21 AM | Of course obtaining credit reports is way different from breaking into someones email. However last time I checked snooping on your friends, girlfriends, coworkers, neighbors, family, etc. weren't legitimate business needs...
http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs6-crdt.htm#3
Who has access to my report?
Anyone with a "legitimate business need" can gain access to your credit history, including:
Those considering granting you credit.
Landlords.
Insurance companies.
Employers and potential employers (but only with your consent).
Companies with which you have a credit account for account monitoring purposes.
Those considering your application for a government license or benefit if the agency is required to consider your financial status.
A state or local child support enforcement agency.
Any government agency (limited usually to your name, address, former addresses, current and former employers).
Generally, only an employer or prospective employer needs your written consent to obtain a report. An exception is Vermont where any user needs your oral or written consent. In practice, most potential creditors ask for your permission to review your report. Your permission is not required when inquiries are made in connection with a pre-approved credit offer.
OT: I agree you should just choose your words carefully and ask her about what's been bothering you. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 3:11:05 PM |
nice of you to teach your boys to distrust everyone they care about...i wonder if they trust you to not be a psycho dad when it comes to their privacy? or are you talking about your "boys"...as in the guys you hang out with and give relationship advise to?
Indy, I don't think I could have sons old enough to date, so yeah, i meant my buddies.
You know personally, I would never check my girls email, but if I 'accidentally' noticed she secretly kept in touch with her ex, yes I would lose a little trust and respect for her. I mean, I don't make friends with my ex's, mainly out of respect to my current partner.
I would definately call her out on it, but delicately, you don't want to come across as jealous or over bearing. Something like 'honey, why do you keep in touch with ex's, arent you over it?'
If you want to play real hard ball tell her 'Sweety, since you're ok with keeping ex's as friends, I want you to know my ex just called me the other day, and she wants to take me out to dinner and catch up, but babe, don't worry, you're still my #1'
And see how she likes that....if she's totally ok with it (1 in a 1000) then maybe she's allright.
I know a lot of girls keep their' ex's as friends....I wouldn't date them...
JG | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 3:17:42 PM | | hi, Little_evil, you can not blind trust someone you just be together one month. I do know cuples around me have each others eamil password. so what? if there no secret then what need to be worried that your lover to read your email? Trust build on open not by hiding, also by time. Just some suggestion if you decide to read her email. Do not be surprised if she still contact her ex or flirting with other guys. The truth is she select to be with you now. give here some time and talk to her seriously after a while to see if she can be with you only. I do not belive privacy or secret can help a relationship. | |
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joesch
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Joined: 4/21/2003
Msg: 92 | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 3:47:28 PM | | I guess for some people they want to know hear talk about everything with a b.f. or partner. Call me crazy but I don't think that person wants to know what I had for lunch today or listen to me **** about the line ups at the grocery store. I don't think its necessary or healthy to share everything about yourself with another person, thus the saying familiarity breeds contempt. OK, I guess I got a little off topic there but my point is that its healthy to have private thoughts and feelings, things you keep to yourself. I have no intention ever of blurting out my every thought or sharing all feelings with another person. Sometimes yes, somethings yes, but I am an individual afterall, just because I couple up doesn't mean I have to show everything. Maybe it's more interesting to reveal myself a little at a time, and maybe it's more fun for my partner to learn how to read about me, not only through words. Really digressed here, but proving trust by giving a password to your partner, and letting them read my private emails, ain't gonna happen. So if anyone is suspicious cuz they read a headline on an email, well that's kinda silly in my books. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 3:52:55 PM | BELLE:
Your my hero! lol
Amen to what you said.
I don't think anything is wrong with people having some privacy. Especially if there's an existing trust already, they wouldn't want or need to.
Just cuz your together doesn't make you siamese twins that share every thought. No. Your still individuals with the right to keep some things to yourself.
Liek I said before, if you watch your partner take a dump, then why do you need to pry into their private emails with their siblings and coworkers or buddies about harmless stuff that doesn't involve you. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 4:02:30 PM | msg 51--ya472
You are so right on!
Never would I read his private e-mail or private any type mail. Period. Nor would I check his his pockets or go thru his wallet. It just isn't done and remain trustworthy. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 4:23:56 PM | Here is an interesting question ... How many people would actually feel fully comfortable sharing their password with their sig. other ? Or sharing all their e-mails with them ?
I would. But I'm honest about what I do. I take nude pics of myself and post them to a livejournal community, and I have a yahoo account for the people who want to chat with me from there, or watch my cam sometimes. I can be playfully flirty on IMs with them, but never anything serious. I've made some good friends from the people who have added me and I'm flirty with my friends. ;) Anyway, there's nothing on my computer, IMs or email, that I would be afraid of a SO reading or seeing. I'd share everything with them, if they asked me to.
I hope that my SO would feel the same way, that he had nothing to hide and would share with me, but I think that's hard to find... and anyway I'm not sure how I'd ask to see their emails or IMs without sounding as if I've already made up my mind that they're cheating on me. :/ | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 5:17:12 PM | each to his/her own, Kitten.
If that works for you then more power to you.
Not all of us are quite THAT open lol, but I agree there needs to be alot of trust, but ya know what, he still ain't gonna get all in my business. I deserve a little corner of this world to talk about stuff without it involving him. And if that a problem then... oh welll..  | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 5:46:14 PM | | I believe you are correct kitten....That is exactly how I do things. Listen, I just dont care if people want to have a look. And the reason I dont care is that there is nothing wrong there to look at. In other words, there is nothing to fear from them "finding out". If you have to be afraid that your SO will be mad about you getting upset about the grocery line, I would suggest that you find a different SO. Again, I tread lightly on this one and wont tell anyone what they should do. But as for me, I take the open route. If you want to see me converse with my dad and listen to him **** at me for every little thing, go for it. Thats all you will see. So why should I care?? I only question why anyone else really would care either, if thats all you have in your inbox. | |
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| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/4/2006 6:46:10 PM | | You ask if you can ever really trust anyone. And some have said that trust is earned. That is not true. Trust is something we give people until they show that they are not worthy of our trust. To live our lives otherwise would make us jaded and guarded, scrutinizing every aciton to see if it merits trust. Most of us do not live that way. And think about it, if you met someone who treated everything you did or said with suspicion until they were satisfied that you were being truthful...would you stick around long enough for that to happen? I sure wouldn't. | |
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