| |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 3:28:05 AM |
Trust is something we give people until they show that they are not worthy of our trust
Just about sums it up for me.
However, It's what happens after the trust is broken that is the problem. My last relationship broke down after I 'apparently' broke that trust, which I did not do intentionally. Its matters not what I actually did, it is the 'truth' that formed in her head that really mattered, the truth, or rather the actual truth was neither here nor there. The only truth that really mattered in the end was that truth formed as a series of mental images in her head, of my misdemeanours! Nothing I could say or do had the power change that; not evidence, nor witness accounts, nothing.
I really did nothing more than form a too close personal relationship with another woman who she could not properly monitor. She had no control over me. But nothing really happened anyway, and nothing ever would have! Result was a collection in her head, of fragments of truth augmented with her own fabrications. Over time this compound narrative of my supposed exploits resulted in the utter destruction of a perfectly functional and happy family. I could not stop it happening.
In the end I began to believe that her version of events was the actual truth. Her story was repeated so often that it began too replace mine in my head! I realised that I had no option but ask her forgiveness for something I had not done!!
I had folded!
If only she had read my diary or my text messages at the time. We'd still be together now.
I wish she had snooped on me.... | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 5:16:54 AM | | ^^^^^^But you see, the only area where I think you are wrong is that, as you said, you formed a too close personal relationship with someone else. There should have been far less concentration on that and more on your own. I realize that people percieve things a certain way, but still, you messed up by forming that personal relationship. No matter what else took place, or didnt take place, that should not have happened. And you know what?? I have been in two, both of which broke up my family, where females thought they could handle relationships like that and couldnt. I always avoided that type and always will, and this is the reason why. | |
|
| |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 5:32:13 AM | | rufus This is why I'm sensitive to my SO's feelings as far as my male friendships. I have a LOT of male friends, NONE of whom I've ever been involved with. I put myself in HIS shoes, how would I feel if the situation is reversed, I always try to look at things from the other person's perspective. My SO will always know that my relationship with him is THE most important and I won't do anything to jeopardize that. He has never asked for reassurance, but i give it to him anyway. If you're willing to do something that threatens or questions your present relationship then apparently it wasn't enough of a priority. You can have friends and keep things above board and everyone comfortable. But it involves a high level of communication and taking other people's feelings and sensitivities into consideration. | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 6:20:38 AM | | ^^^^^And when you guys arent together anymore, which, I am actually joking, I hope it is never. Come up my way, you have exactly the views I am looking for in a woman. Ladies, please, look at what bucsgirl has said before you contact me.....Before we talk on anything else. If you can give this, you got me!!! | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 6:21:36 AM | You shouldn't NEED permission from anyone to chat or email, especially if you know your not doing anything wrong.
Unfounded insecurity only creates resentment from the victims.
I had a guy all in my business once and he forced me to have to create another email account that he didn't know about. I wasn't doing anything but he had to read every email as though he was my supervisor at work, which I hated.
At first I just stopped emailing altogether, then I started doing it from my work email but then it dawned on me to just create a new one and start over and inform my friends and family of my new email address. After that it was alot less tense with him. He gradually stopped checking my email account (I think) since nothing ever happened there and I was back to doing what I was doing (just under a new account).
If the guy isn't doing anything really BAD, then get off his back. Until there's a ring on your finger's he can legally do whatever the heck he pleases and so can you.
You can always discuss your discomfort with him and maybe he'll stop. OR maybe he'll just create a second profile and keep doing it. But from your perspective it would seem like he stopped cuz he's not really using the 1st profile anymore except to communicate with you. The 2nd profile would be for having his fun.
Maybe he's not that clever, but thats what I would do if someone was hassling me and I wanted them to stop it without getting into a long fight about it. I'd just pretend to give in and find another way. Not saying its right and I'll admit its a character flaw I have, but I don't like to be told what I can't do.
If you know the person isn't going to compromise or give in and your the same way then guess what, there will be no resolution and he WILL find a sneaky way to make you and him happy. Such as I stated above. | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 6:22:31 AM | I started seeing a girl a couple of months ago. We didn't meet on POF. She HATED the fact that I was on POF, even though I had no pictures, no info, and clearly stated that I was only here for the forums. To alleviate her concerns, I gave her my password so she could look at my emails and judge my intentions for herself. All was fine until I posted something in one of the astrology threads that caught the eye of a woman on the other side of the country. We exchanged a few messages. I thought she was intriguing so I told her to call me. The woman is MUCH older than me, lives VERY FAR AWAY, so this was not an attempt at cheating. She has alot of knowledge pertaining to the subjects I had posted about. The night I sent the email containing my phone number(xmas eve), the GF called me up and freaked out. I tried to explain it to no avail. We broke up that night because of it. I would imagine she had been reading my emails for an entire month.
Looking back, I don't regret giving her my password to my email. It just allowed her own paranoid personality to entertain itself. She showed her true colors, and I'm glad it's over. I think we should learn to trust our intuitions about whether somebody is trustworthy or not. Jealousy and suspicion INCREASE the chances of a spouse cheating. If the fruit isn't forbidden, the thrill is decreased. Man and women can be JUST friends. It happens. | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 6:35:59 AM | My SO and I will chat casually about who we've heard from, and sure at times, it's an opposite sex friend. woohoo!! Big deal, even if it's a stranger here, he's had mail from females that were strangers, I still get occasionally mail from strange men, even though our profiles are clear as a bell!! haha We laugh about. I know that he's totally in love with me, I don't "own" him. He's an intelligent man and always makes really good decisions.
I actually think that people who are needlessly jealous make the temptation of cheating that much greater. I even had my ex husband follow me from work late one night. I worked at a popular restaurant/bar kinda like a Applebee's. I guess he had it in his head that something was going on at work...I had told him well, I was completely honest I have never ever cheated, I said well hell follow me one night, come spy on me if you want. He did, of course scared the crap outta me, pulled out right behind me. THen when I realized it was him, I laughed it off. Hope he got whatever reassurance he was looking for. | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 7:38:33 AM | I take the same approach as crunchberries and bucsgirl...but that doesn't mean that we are right.
Personally I know from experience that if I am not with someone who shares this approach(and other key relationship approaches) to communication and trust....I will not feel comfortable....I have tried it and failed miserably.
In the long term relationship I had, I learned early on, that he was quite uncomfortable with my open approach. So, I chose to find a different outlet...I reached out to my friends for that need...which worked just fine for him. Like I said before, I wasn't saying anthing to them that I wouldn't say to him. This however didn't work out well for me. Were either of us wrong? I don't believe so...we just weren't compatible. I would like to point out that, despite this difference, there wasn't any lack of trust on either of our part, we just felt very differently about communication(unfortunately we felt differently about several key relationship issues). Ultimately the lack of compatibility that he and I shared on so many levels paved the way to the disintegration of our relationship.
I have seen couples who share my ex's views on these matters succeed in their relationships. I have also seen couples who share my views succeed. It is a matter of finding love with compatibility.
With regards to my personal and private thoughts etc...yes they are mine. We all have our personal thoughts that are ours alone....what I don't understand is how you can call them private if you are sharing them with others....but you are not willing to share them with your SO. If I have private thoughts....they are just that thoughts and they stay with me....and me alone.
mc | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 7:43:04 AM | Private thoughts with some people only involve those specific people sometimes (i.e. discussing some issue your sister is confiding in you and giving your thoughts to her, doesn't involve your spouse at all unless your sis WANTS him to know).
Thats an example. | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/5/2006 8:22:01 AM | | Let me attempt to clarify. My SO doesn't WANT to know I'm sure all my girl talk type of convos with my girlfriends about maybe their kids, some guy they're interested in, and so on. We don't talk about every single thing every person says to me. It's available if he wants to know. We're involved in each other's lives and don't keep things from each other. That's really the point. I don't need nor want to read all of his emails, same with him. We'll send something occasionally and really rarely that we want to get some input on. What should I say, or how should I handle this. I trust his input and perspective, he's a wise man and I listen to his advice and suggestions. The point really is it's just available, I think that boils it down. At any time he wishes, he can read my email, everywhere I'm registered. And me the same. I just feel that's right when you're a couple that you are two people and yet one at the same time. I trust him completely, he trusts me completely. I don't know, but this is easy for us, nothing we even really had to discuss. | |
|
| |
| |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/6/2006 9:43:39 AM | I only did once, after my ex made the mistake of forgetting to log out of her MSN one day. 
I was the type of person that would, even at the end of our relationship, hand her her purse if there was something inside that I needed. That's just the way I was brought up.
I used to log onto my computer, and see MSN pop up all the time. That was strange, because I never used it - and had disabled it from the start up menu. After a period of time, I decided to check the internet history, and saw what sites she was visiting - and the times she was chatting. Let's just say it gave a rather complete picture of what was going on.
That said, I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed to prove beyond a doubt the situation I was in. I figured ( knowing her) that sooner or later she would get too confident and mess up.
That morning, when she did, I had all the missing pieces. That was a difficult moment, but a much needed one. When you read someone's words, you know exactly their thoughts. Those cannot be denied, and remove any possibility of misunderstanding.
Shortly after that, I asked her if she wanted me to leave. I didn't mention a thing about what I knew until I was safely out of the situation.
After that, I sent her a letter with the basic facts.
Let's just say she was a bit stunned - and leave it at that.
That's the first, and hopefully last, time that will ever occur. | |
|
| |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/6/2006 9:55:27 AM | | Boy, you aren't a very trusting person yourself, so how could YOU ever be trust-worthy? Stealing passwords? How rude! Read my man's emails? NEVER! It's bad enough when he reads them out loud to me...LOL! He pretty much GAVE me his password (yeah, he knows mine too), and told me to go ahead and read his mail if I want...why would I want? He never reads mine either (that I'm aware of...I really don't care). We don't keep secrets from each other. | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/6/2006 9:58:37 AM | I agree, which is why I did it. I would never even dream of doing that any other time.
There were other signs too. Her cell phone ( a christmas gift from me ) bills were always in the same pile as the rest of the ones to be paid. Suddenly...they were no longer there. The best thing about people like that is how stupid they always assume people are.
The hilarious thing was that she had told me ( when I bought the computer) that I was "too old" to get into it. She also forgot how much information a computer normally holds about what you do on it.
Funnily enough, getting her that cell phone and buying my computer also gave me my life back.
NP about it though, it wasn't a bad thing overall. It gave me freedom, and the truth. Without that type of situation, I would have spent the rest of my life asking myself questions.
This way I don't have to.  | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/6/2006 10:19:51 AM | Montreal Guy's situation is exactly when I would condone this action. There were other signs of betrayal and when offered an opportunity to confirm his suspicions once and for all, he took it. And then he waited until he was in the clear before even thinking about letting her know what he had done.
It is all a matter of being able to hold what you learn to yourself and extricating yourself out of a relationship first, as painlessly and cleanly as possible. IMHO | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/6/2006 11:41:27 AM | | I would also agree with what Montreal Guy did. If there's a reason for suspicions then your suspicions need need and deserve to be satisfied. If there's an explanation, then great. If there is a suspicion that's put forth and the other person doesn't just lay it out on the line, or is stammering or hesitating, then BINGO!! | |
|
| |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/7/2006 9:09:55 AM | | i'd never do this. it's a complete invasion of privacy and shows a lack of trust. mind you, i'd also never scream that i hate my lover and try to push her from a moving car, but that's just me. | |
|
LL3
|
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 123 | |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/7/2006 9:12:22 AM | If ever I meet and join with someone....I'll have no issues with her reading emails of mine....I have nothing to hide...Not now and not in the future..I haven't passworded my stuff to save an indiscretion or two...so I'm not too worried...
But if I have to prove myself and jump through hoops to prove it, there are other issues at large here. | |
|
ya472
|
Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 124 | |
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/7/2006 11:04:18 AM | ..
That said, I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed to prove beyond a doubt the situation I was in. I figured ( knowing her) that sooner or later she would get too confident and mess up.
When the behavior changes, one should pay attention. I agree with collecting information until an honest assessment and decision can be made.
In an honest and genuine relationship, there is no need for secrecy, passwords or hidden accounts.
However, too many people use 'trust' as an excuse to avoid getting involved.
ie: turning over all the financial responsiblity to your SO is downright foolish. Both people are accountable and both should be requesting pertinent information and confirmation, because everyone fu**s up sometime.
.. | |
|
| How many of you would read your lovers private e-mail ?
Posted: 1/7/2006 11:12:38 AM | Its about personalities too. My S.O. just gets overwhelmed with too much info and therefore leaves all the finances to me. Financial stuff just bogs their brain.
It works for us, because we each have certain areas of responsibilites in the family (like I do finances and he does medical stuff). It works.
I still don't subscribe to "there must be something wrong in the relationship if there's still a need for passwords". Everyone has a right to a little privacy. Everyone. I can love someone 100% and still not want them to know some things that are just plain personal. Or for that matter are personal to other people that are confiding in me.
I'm only referring to email though, not banks and credit cards you share. Thats different.
Hidden accounts and stuff like that are often a result of someone being overbearing, controlling or overly insecure. | |
|
Home
login 
