| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 1/14/2006 4:51:52 PM | | Bucs, I am so sorry that happened to you and I am very sorry for your loss. You are very brave to have kept going after something so terrible. My hat is off to you. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:02:40 PM | | Thanks darling. And I have had the privilege to speak to a few groups and did two talk shows. So I've had the chance to share not just my story but a message of hope and healing. Abuse hurts and causes injury not just physical only but the tearing down of your self esteem and victimization. You CAN take your life back and become stronger through it all, if you believe that you can. I have tremendous empathy for all victims of domestic violence and again I would offer that anyone who wants to email me please feel free to do so. There is hope and there is help!! | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:29:16 PM | There just isn't any place at all for violence in the home, full stop!!!
Especially where kids are concerned, i was bought up to believe that it was wrong and cowardly to hit girls....and that probably saved me from doing time or worse....my ex was a little too quick to resort to the physical stuff when she'd had a few drinks....and im not talking slaps here ok lol.
Nobody anywhere should put up with this, screw thinking about it, leave!...life really is too short, and i have yet to see a better cure! | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 1/15/2006 6:37:15 PM | My son and I survived a horrid man for a year and a half or two. The length of time is getting blurry now because I've been running away from him for the last 11 years, not daring to find someone to love me and my son out of fear. He beat my 11 year old son daily while I was at work, planned "accidents" to maim or kill people that he hated, and mentally/sexually/physically abused me. He also pulled a loaded hunting rifle on me at my cabin. In court I was granted the protection order, but he had buddies that continued his harrassment and stalking for him during the 2 year period. I don't know how he got his info, but he always managed to show up wherever I was at work/shopping/ wherever. Every morning, when I got done my shift (midnights), I would literally dash out to my truck to check if he'd damaged it somehow, and look around for leaks, until I caught an overextended trailer hitch in the darkness between vehicles, fracturing my wrist and ankle. When I got my new place it was 6 years, before I would actually go up to my room and sleep in my own bed. I was always camped out on the couch, listening and dozing with one eye open. He had even gotten my supervisor to try and fire me for whatever she could try and make stick on me. She literally destroyed my work record, which had nothing on it prior.
When I had finally decided to end the madness, he grabbed my arm and dragged me up to the bedroom, and confined me there to assault me some more and threaten my life again.
I recently had these terrible memories brought back to the surface again, by someone who had the same kind of fit with me, and I had to relive it again. I thought, it was over and buried, but aparently not my knack for finding these people.
About 2 years ago, a younger couple that lived around the corner with their two little boys, went through something even worse. The wife invited a g/f to come over for backup, so she could tell him she was leaving him. She died that night from multiple stab wounds, and the g/f escaped with 1 stab.....also this was done in front of their boys. My point is she did not survive her domestic violence and now her children are orphans because of it.
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 1/15/2006 7:58:04 PM | | I doubt that fear will ever go away. I ran a few provinces away in 1989 and still can't stand guns, even on tv! Abuse is a terrible thing I was beaten to a pulp many times in my 11 year marriage and yes the gun to the head and him saying "guess if it is loaded or not" then clicking the trigger still haunt me after 16 years free from the Bast*rd! What makes people want to hurt people? I wouldn't even hurt somebodys feelings for anything, if I could help it. Good luck to all of you.....we all have our tales......and we all are survivors! cheers to us! | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/7/2006 5:56:19 PM | I have been there, still working on trust, it takes time. As the Wierd Alyankovic song says "My scars are all healed though my heart never will", only problem is the scars are heavily attatched to the heart strings, like an old ball and chain!!!
Confidence is a good starting point though, which is what I'm working on at the moment. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 12:18:24 PM | Yes,I was a victim for 10 yrs,but in 2 different relationships.My first relationship was very abusive,it carries with me still.To be quite honest with you, I don't beleive anyone can be whole again,they may say they can be but deep down it's impossible.I hate to beleive my own words but it's true,it's now been 10 yrs since my first abusive relationship and I still fear everyday about whether or not I should ever trust another man in my life.Since my abusive relationships I've tried to date people and because of my past,my self esteem is extremely low,so meaning i have absolutly no trust in men,I'm always scared there going to cheat on me or something in that term..........which of course ruins the relationship.Which is why I'm presaently single to this day!I don't like being this way,I've tried changing but it's to hard.So for that question,can we ever be as we were before this ever happened to us!My answere from experience would have to be.....Absolutly NOT,sorry.Can we ever trust again?NO.Will we ever be whole again?NO.I hate saying this,it doesn't give us victims alot to look forward to in lifeI know, but if things do change for any of us victims,it just shows that we were stronger then those ****ERS that put us in this situation in the first place.Good luck to you all,and don't you give up,I haven't and it's been 10 yrs now.Keep your heads up,be strong.
Loudmouth,
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 1:04:26 PM | A question:
Is a DV victim ever able to sustain a normal relationship again? Will his/her scars (emotional or otherwise) prevent him/her from giving enough to make a partner stay? Can this person heal all by him/herself?
I ask this because most people are not healers, nor have the training/patience/understanding to cope with a DV victim's fears and needs. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 1:10:13 PM | | i was many times (long story) and sometimes stil am when a family member is not having a good day(my son) and yes it is hell and hear to deal with and get over and even harder ot keep coming up with excuses. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 1:51:12 PM | My late huband had a very violent temper, and he would go off at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. He beat me repeatedly many times. I lived with this for almost 10 years, before I finally came to my senses and realized that my life did not have to be this way. I packed up all of my girls things and mine and left him with every thing else. We just simply disappeared. He was then served with a maximum restraining order and divorce papers. It was a shock to him when we first went to court. He actually did not remember a lot of the things he had done. When my lawyer and I started counting off the many things he had done, both him and his lawyer were speechless. We never did get a divorce though, I was very fortunate. He was so shocked that he decided right then to make the neccessary changes in order to get his family back. After a long period of time in which he proved to me that he had made these changes, we started seeing each other again and he courted me as he should have the first time. We finally got back together and had 10 wonderful years. I know that this is a rare thing to have happen. That is why I say that I was very lucky. I did tell him that if he ever raised his hand or fist to me again he had better kill me, because if he didn't I wouldn't just have him arrested- I would personally jack the jail up and put him under it! From that day on I have never felt fear again from another person and I refuse to do so. The main reason I even stayed in the first place is because I was foolish and afraid.
We can all over come the problems developed from this type of thing and go on and live a normal life. It takes time and it takes determination on our part.
Great job to all of you who have succeeded in this, and good luck to all of you who are beginning on this journey. I to am willing to help out in any way that I am able to. Please feel free to e-mail me if you wish to talk or ask questions or even just need a shoulder.
Cheryl | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 4:06:24 PM | | Ok so tell me what you do if you have invested a year and a half with a man before he starts the abuse and have no where to turn and no idea how to get out. My husband emotionally abused me for the last 2 and a half years and yes I am damaged. I just finally got away from him 3 months ago. Thought I was doing really well with it until I found out yesterday that my best friend ( my sister in law) helped to get me away from him so the she could **** him. I feel like I am in it all over again | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 4:15:49 PM | Yes..and it will never happen again. I have a 9mm glock now. And a broom. No one will ever touch me again in a painful way.
Sanschele | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 4:26:32 PM | | Men are just as much as likely to be a victim of domestic violence as a woman. It's not a gender thing. On the domestic violence stage , both play the same role, they just swap roles sometimes frequently. Women don't blame just the guy, you have your part. Guys don't say, "she had it coming", you're responsible for your actions. Being a man means that you do not participate in domestic violence, being a woman means that you don't either. There is a "high road" that is always available. Stop, think, how would I feel? How would I want someone to treat me? | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 4:27:15 PM | | Only 2 incidents, same guy. First time, I forgave him - second time I kicked him hard enough to nearly bend his knee the wrong way and took off. Never saw him again... | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 4:51:19 PM | | I am glad to see your courageous post. A lot of men will not admit to being abused for fear that it will cause a different kind of abuse to take place (ridiculing and disdain). I was attacked by my fiance (former) with a knife as well, and although she was not able to stab me it is an experience I will never forget. All my friends could not understand why I just broke up with her and never hit her or charged her. I was raised that you never raise a hand to a woman, so I did not (just restrained and disarmed her) and I felt that the best thing to do was get her family involved (instead of the police). Luckily there were no children to compound an already bad situation. I still have issues with trust to this day (ten years later) so I am not as I was before nor will I ever be again. I suppose you could say that once your innocence is gone you can never go back and claim it. You did the right thing in your case and I hope she recieves the help she needs to heal. You can forgive and move on, just do not forget. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 7:55:29 PM | Hey Brother-Man;
Victim (or at least former) wanting to say that another trap one needs to avoid is the repitition of the exact same thing, meeting someone here recently who (having never even met me yet) was starting to order me around, telling me who I was, or wan't allowed among my family to stay in contact with if I wanted likewise to be with her.
However, the real point here is that I almost gave into her... thinking that maybe I was the unreasonable one here... making excuses for the other person taking advantage of me as to why they're not to blame, why it's all my fault for not being more agreeable...
Luckily though another friend of mine here put me straight concerning who was to blame and who wasn't, telling me that (in her opinion) the woman who was telling me who I can and cannot remain in contact among my family wasn't good enough for me (that in itself leaving me speachless, albeit a grateful sort of speachless), and I shouldn't let others steamroll me into doing things which, in the end, do no good but lead instead to nothing but continual hurt as time goes by.
-- Future_Bound | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 8:04:37 PM | chrysler I know what you mean seeing as my ex was mostly the verbal/emotional kind, resorting to physical only once that I can remember, feeling myself loose consciousness until finally fighting back.
Guess what I'm trying to say is to not feel guilty about discussing what happened to you on the grounds that others here might have suffered worse, feeling as though you got no right to complain in light of the world around you, because that is the feeling (the emotional mind-set) which leads to us allowing ourselves to be hurt in the very first place to begin with.
In fact one might even consider such feelings as the partly open door leading into the world of domestic abuse, feeling that we have no right to complain or feel bad because we "haven't suffered enough" in order to justify our feeling hurt.
-- Future_Bound | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 8:04:59 PM | Domestic violence is never okay ... whether it happens once or many time or whether it is a slap, punch, kick, stab or otherwise.
I had 2 ex's who were violent with me and it is demeaning and demoralizing and makes it hard to trust again, however, if you don't stay yourself and continue to live your life, you are giving your abuser a power they do not deserve. The same goes for victims of rape ... you can't let these people break you down or they win.....
And while in retrospect we all look back and ask "why" ... maybe why we loved them, why we stayed, the thing is, people do dumb things when they are in love, but it is still no excuse. Just as an abuser has no excuse for what they do (bull$%^& to the many they try to give), we have no real excuses for staying. I have a motto for dealing with people in life "People will only treat you as bad as you let them". So, don't let people treat you badly anymore!
Good for you for being brave enough to be open Singledad and don't worry, with time, all wound heal....
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/13/2006 8:20:07 PM | Single Dad...... It takes a big man to admit they were a victim from a woman...I once was a victim from my daughters father...i took yrs of abuse both physical and emotional... i should have left him along time before i ever did....he never stopped to think that she was around all the violence....i remember him hitting her once and i wanted to kill him...we fought for days about that...but no i was still too scarred to leave him... my breaking point was one night at his brothers trailor, we got into a fight after both of us drinking... he started pushing me around but THIS time i fought back... i got a few good punches back at him... BUT unfortunately I still got the worse of it... I ended up with 2 black eyes, 4 stitches in my head(from being thrown ina firepit) and a bloody nose...AND to top it all off my daughter who was only 4 yrs old was standing on the deck watching it all...she witnessed mommy full of blood from head to toe... she came to the hospital with me... she saw her dad being handcuffed and put in the cop car... she is now almost 13 and still remembers everything about that night... i know the proper thing to do is just to forgive the person and try to forget it ever happened...BUT one can never forget the fact they were abused...YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER IT.... I now have a hard time trusting ppl.. but i try too... LOL ok i will stop rambling now...
PS...btw ... the jerk that did it to me got off on all charges placed on him due to his family and their statements to the police ... he got off on selfdefence as the family said it was a fight where we both became violent... how far is justice eh?  | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/14/2006 7:26:55 AM | | I just have one ex that was violent, but it was heavily complicated. I tried the usual - counselling, self help books, etc. But the fact was that I found the more I read, the more lost I felt, so I took on a degree in Psychology and Identity Studies, and I have to say, probably the best thing I could have done. It has allowed me to work through various issues that were getting to me and also to irradicate some of the guilt. My main issue is still trust though, it's hard to find it again when you have lost it, but I do believe that not all men are like that, it's just finding a way out of the darkness, otherwise the likelyhood is the same things that attract a person to a previous relationship become a repetiton. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/14/2006 8:15:57 AM | | I have known men who attempted to take this tact with me hehehe One ended up stuffed in the bottom of the closet, another got clocked with an iron. Nope, don't feel like a victim because they tried swinging on me, just got mad that they would even dare try it, and made THEM pay. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 5/14/2006 10:00:53 AM | | take your time go slow and be strong for your kids and if you need to do so get some counseling or find someone to talk to. it is hard but we are all here for you and have been through this and at times i still go through it. its hard but please hold yoru head up high stay strong go out and get a makeover and buy some new clothes for you and yoru lil one and remember you are better than he is. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/16/2006 2:48:19 AM | To any women, (and men ) who think that its only one sided because "men are stronger" go have a good arm wrestle with your partner.
He will "probably" win but you may well be quite surprised at just how much efort it takes. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 75 | |
| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:00:40 AM | Oh HELL NO!!!!
That's never happened to me and it's one of the things in life I am 100% totally positive will never happen to me...unless maybe I'm in a freakin coma or something.
No way, any a-hole bully even looks like he's gonna start that crap with me and it's over and his ass is OUT before he even knows what happened. I don't even begin to understand why vicitms put up with that crap.....but all I know is that kind of mentality does not exist anywhere in any cell of my entire body.
oh jeeze....absolutely no way in holy frakin hell would I tolerate that bs ...EVER. There are WARNING signs and he would be out with the trash when I saw the first warning signs. Period. No one gets a chance to do that to me not even ONE time. | |
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