| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:18:46 AM | It happens gradually. He takes you into his trust, he loves you, makes you feel like you are his world, so important to him that he needs you to survive. He picks out a woman who, somehow he can tell, needs to feel needed.
My abuse happened gradually over a period of 12 years. When you're in love, you find it easy to forgive.
He takes everything and everyone away from you, where it seems easier to stay than to face change, and you have no one to turn to. And you feel yourself a burden on family members, so you stay.
But when the fear of change becomes less scary to you than the fear of things staying the same, you leave. That's when I finally left. I had a lot of family around me, but I went into a domestic violence shelter, so I wouldnt burden them.
No child support, no nothing from him. I have been raising my children alone for 8 years.
Things will never be 'normal' for any of us. They hate their father. It wasnt my doing, Ive encouraged them to contact him, but they won't.
Those who are on the outside looking in, those who have never been in our shoes, can't possibly understand, and think we're stupid for staying.
"Do not judge a brave unless you've walked a mile in his mocassins." | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:26:55 AM | | I always said it wouldn't happen to me. It did. But I know if a man hits me again. He best kill me. Because I will be the one in prison. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/16/2006 4:35:10 AM | Yes I was and am still dealing with it. Most of this thread seems to deal with physical violence ~ mine was verbal and emotional abuse which is just as destructive and for me, easier to excuse. (Well, he doesn't hit me......). It had me walking on eggshells because I never knew what would set him off ~ which is why I left just two months ago. We'd been together for several years and I kept excusing it until someone asked me why is not being hit you bottom line?
What made it even harder was that he didn't think he had a problem. When his outburst was over, he never once thought about how it affected me. I didn't suffer any physical damage but the psychic damage runs deep. I was able to be assertive in ever aspect of my life except for this one, go figure.
Spelly | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 81 | |
| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/16/2006 4:39:32 AM | I never passed judgement on anyone here.
I simply stated facts. The things mentioned, their ways of "getting to you", making you feel so important to their survival, jealousy, control, overly emotional, uses crying to manipulate you, isolating you from others and etc...those are precisely the warnings signs I'm talking about. They are typical, they are common, they are predictable and they are an indication of things to come.
I observe....and I act accordingly on the information I see. When I see warning signs that you mentioned....his ass is out. Just like I said. No problems. No discussions.
Besides, I'm a strong, no BS woman with zero tolerance for crap. Weenie guys like that don't want to bother with me, because they already know they'll lose with me. Punks like that look for an easy target. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/16/2006 5:25:35 AM | It can and does. But never again.
======================
This is just my perverted sense of humour again.
We know what you'd do if he hit you. What would you do if he sleazed up behind you and squeezed your ass. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:00:56 PM |
we all are a victim of domestic violance. because domestic violance dosnt necasarily mean phsical it could also be emotional.
Yea im my case my wife was violent. That was not the tought part though. Divorce attorneys tell their female clients to lie and get a protection from abuse order as it will make the divorce work in their favor. Its widespread as all get out. Not to mention that the guy is always found guilty even iif he has eye witness's that put him in another country at the time of the alleged infraction. I do not jest.
I was the victum of this form of domestic violence. My sick wife figured that she could not hurt me by hitting me so that by having a cop come throw me out on the street that she could inflict all sorts of emotional damage on me. It's years later. I still have nighmares at times about storm troopers throwing me out on the street. Trusting again is a very hard thing to do.
Sure women are beaten (men too) but in many ways the solution has become as bad as the problem (do 2 wrongs make a right?) People (mainly men) all over the country are having their lives destroyed without any supportinng evidence because that is the correct thing to do and judges are elected and don't dare rock the boat of politically coorect thought.
I could write a book at to how egredious the family courts have become.... | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:08:02 PM | If anyone is involved in any type of abusive relationship, leave and don't look back. There are resources, find them and use them. There are shelters, and most police depts. have a victim advocate. It's up to the person being abused to get out and break the cycle.
Whatever it takes just know that your personal safety and peace of mind is the most important thing. Guard that, protect that and if any violates that, get the heck out. There are organizations and people ready and willing to help. Find them, use them, and make that decision that YOU are that important. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:29:12 PM | Tittiger:
I believe your story 100%. Statistics show that women are exactly as likely to commit domestic violence as men. Many statistics even rank them more likely than men to commit it.
Even in terms of physicality, many women will make up for their lack of size by brandishing weapons like scissors, fire place pokers, scalding water or throwing dinner ware. And many men won't fight back because we have been taught not to hit a female.
Family and domestic violence is a cycle. And the majority of perpetrators are former vicrims. It is a learned behavior. And the "good guys vrs. bad guys" mentality of our society really doesn't address that phenomenon.
I too have been a severe victim of female aggression. I was openly mocked by law enforcement when I attempted to report it. That experience has left me with such a permanent resentment and fear of the legal system, that even if I was curb stomped outside of a bar, it is unlikely that I would ever bother to report it. Simply because I really have no desire to be further punished by the justice system. *shrugs* What can ya do?? | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/22/2006 7:44:11 PM | There are always gonna be women and men alike that think that these things cannot happen to them..I was one. The problem with so called warning signs, and signals, is you dont see them until its too late. They dont necessarily prey on the weak, thats crap. Youd have to see me to understand, but Im no pushover, Im built, I have weight trained alot of my adult life, more so now than ever before, because of an experience that I had. Its actually the strength in a woman that triggers the insecurity in these men. They love you at first for being independent, and smart, and pretty. Slowly things change, takes a long time, despite thier violant tempers they are quite patient and extremely good manipulators will take 3-5 years to get you where they want you. It might take 7 or 8 years before its pure hell, by then, they've made it very hard to leave.
I dont cower, never did, he broke my fingers, I blackened his eye, he pushed me, I grabbed him by the ankle while I was down and made sure he paid. Because of my fighting back, because I did refuse to let him break my spirit, I fled, and I mean fled, stole his truck(he disabled my car), grabbed my shit, my kids , my cats, and ran, while he was at work. Fighting back is iffy, that was my choice, Id had enough shit, and knew if I stayed any longer in this marriage, I was gonna seriously get hurt, worse than I had, and let me tell you, fighting back, you take your life into your own hands, cause it pisses them off, bigtime. What I have come to appreciate though is one thing he told me, in one of his fits..What dont kill ya makes ya stronger..Thanks Jess..made me strong enough to leave, and strong enough to chase your ass the hell outta the state. Stronger now than I ever was. He was no liar..What dont kill ya..makes ya stronger..
There are some issues of course. Im not gonna get into how bad it was, doesnt matter now, but I dont trust, I m working on that and I want what I want now, and Ill get it. I will be safe now..because I have been there and now..I know.. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/25/2006 2:28:11 PM | I believe your story 100%. Statistics show that women are exactly as likely to commit domestic violence as men. Many statistics even rank them more likely than men to commit it.
Thanks animal. 4 years ago I knew nothing about the domestic violence thing. I have now done my home work and discovered an extreme anti male bias.
Yes I have had hot tea thrown in my face in a public resteraunt by my crazy ex. Nothing happened to her but if it had been the other way around chances are 5 cops would have shown up.
I also experienced this same bias when as a single parent I would have to go down to domestic relations, almost every woman in there were man haters and you could see it in their eyes that they would just as soon shoot you as talk to you.
And I was the one raising my daughter after the mother just ran off and deserted her. geeezzz
Personally I don't use the legal system for anything it's beyond being corrupt, I look at it as being in same genre as orgainized crime.
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/25/2006 3:45:14 PM | everything in life changes us, i dont think donmestic violence is any exception.
most people follow the same patterns, your partner puts you on a pedastool and then when your happy and confident and 'in love' they knock you down. 'most victims' stay because they are trying to get back on the pedastool again. everyone wants the first part of the relationship back where they got praised for everything.. in the end nothing you do is right. whilst in the middle of going to court my friend told me something i will always remember.
'YOU DONT CHOOSE TO BE A VICTIM, YOU CHOOSE TO STAY ONE'
since her telling me that i turned my life around, he still texts and bothers me but i dont answer and have met someone wonderful who treats me right. ive never been happier. im always wary of compliments now but the biggest compliment my new man gives me is the fact that 'im independant and strong minded'.
best of luck to you all in your search for independance and remember 'what dont kill you makes you stronger' | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/25/2006 4:08:31 PM | my kids dad got arrested for domestic violence, his girlfriend attacked him whilst he was sleeping and he woke and just pushed her away...as he did so, she fell and whacked her head.....a week before that when another incident occured that she had hit him and the police said that he should be able to handle it as he was a man.
go figure....... | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/26/2006 6:36:34 PM | I'm a survivor - went through a 4 year mentally physically, verbally and sexually abusive relationship when I was younger. It took me QUITE a long time to get over what he did to me and realize that it wasn't my fault. At first I thought I'd never be happy again after what I went through but I was wrong. I have moved on with my life and I've realized that I don't have to settle and I am worth a hell of alot more than some people give me credit for.
I hope never to repeat the past and am quite cautious when dating men these days. I have not only myself to worry about, but my son.. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/28/2006 3:58:11 PM |
my kids dad got arrested for domestic violence, his girlfriend attacked him whilst he was sleeping and he woke and just pushed her away...as he did so, she fell and whacked her head.....a week before that when another incident occured that she had hit him and the police said that he should be able to handle it as he was a man.
go figure.......
And if he looked for a shelter to get out they would have laighed at him too.
The cops should be fired if not going to jail. It just takes $$ to get justice.
There is a good book that I read: Ceasefire by Cathy Young that goes into a lot of these
issues. The web site http://www.hisside.com/ is also very objective IMHO | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/30/2006 8:51:55 AM | | he said that they made him feel foolish for reporting it in the first place, she should have been arrested... men can be victims too. i felt really sorry for him, hes 6'2 and shes 5'4. (thanx tittigger, will have a look) | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/30/2006 9:08:22 AM | | Once you get out of the violent relationship you have GOT to move on, no matter how deep the scars are, or the abuser is still controling your life, even if not physically!! | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 6/30/2006 10:12:49 AM | Shocking enough, some women are not going to talk about being victims opening...
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/ | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 7/3/2006 8:23:57 AM | | Hi i,m Paul. Have been on this site for about a year,always wanted to and still want to find the girl of my dreams. I Must confess i,ve never gone on this side of this chatroom. I totally disagree with mindless violence. I,m speaking as someone who has had a few girlfriends in the past,but never found one via a internet chatroom. Still hoping. But i,d like to say I,ve always managed to keep in contact with ex girlfriends,every one of them, totally getting rid of animosity. How I manage that,I dont really know. Maybe I am a totally really nice guy,but thats everybody elses opinion. I hope i,ve made some difference to whoever reads this,and make people think that all is not lost. Lifes what you make it. All of us can change. I do it. Good luck. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 7/3/2006 10:00:14 AM |
How many women and how many men (yes men also)were ever a victim of Domestic Violence?
The pain,the humiliation,the fear,the betrayal from one we considered a friend, a lover.
The tears of children,who witness through the eyes of innocence,How can it be?The scars
that we can't see,but are there,the wounds that won't heal.
Can we be whole again,can we trust,can we ever be as we were before?
I wished I could find an woman that'd batter me (Sorry, couldn't resist lol)
The sad thing is if kids are involved and they see one of their parents abusing the other.Emotional scars are the worse, It stays with you a lifetime.I'm not sure if we can ever truly trust again.Most people bring that in to the new relationship and the vicious cycle never ends.
One of my best friends used to physical abuse his girlfriend and as soon as I found out.I got her some help and I ended our friendship and the thing is most abusers won't ever change.People need to realize that. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 7/3/2006 2:17:49 PM | | Having been in a relationship for two years in which i was domestically abused , i can honestly no it is not ok . I was slapped , punched , kicked had things smashed over my head verbally abused . the mental , physical and psycological damage this did to me was hoeerndous , it destroyed my self esteem sent me spiralling into depression . This was over two years ago now and only now do i feel confident enough in myself to even consider seeing somebody else . Domestic violence of anyform should not be tolerated by anyone man or woman . | |
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lira
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Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 99 | |
| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 7/3/2006 9:24:29 PM | I was abused for years, mentally and phisicaly from name calling to slapping and at one time had a gun put to my head.
i still have trust issues with people and relationships,I have a very low self esteem,I still get depressed alot. I used to think of suicide about 3 times a day, even had some thoughts of how to do it.I am better, I only think of it about 2 or 3 times a month.For some reason I feel better about myself if I stand up for myself, then later I fell guilty for it.So I dont stand up for myself often.By the way, I have not thought of a plan in years. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 7/3/2006 10:24:31 PM | | I was a victim but unfortunately for me my ex couldnt hit me hard enough to leave any marks that the cops could find. Finally after I left her she tried to force her way into my house and when that didnt work she keyed my car. When the cops showed up they had evidence that she was up to no good. She got arrested and ended up getting offered a deal and later violated the restraining order I have against her. To bad the courts here wont do anything to her. They just keep letting her go and it just shows her that she can do what she wants and get away with it. | |
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