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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/18/2007 4:31:15 AM | | You can, but you need to figure it all out. I've never been a victim, but have known others who are or have been...if you don't figure it out, you're gonna continue the cycle. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/18/2007 1:09:05 PM | | I'm a survivor as well..My 1st husband was an extremely violent man, and yes they leave scars on the outside but also deep inside. But, from what I went through has made me a much stronger woman. I remarried, and my 2nd husband was such a caring, understanding, beautiful man. But, I started working after I left my 1st husband, and have supported myself over the years. My husband and I combined finances of course, I always supported him in everything he did, helped when I could. I'm very strong, and will stand up to any man now, no problem. I may be little in size but now it's just another challenge against any man who tries to force anything on me. I'm still very much a lady, but on the inside I've grown leaps and bounds. So, yes..you can get past abuse when you set your mind to it and decide you won't take it anymore... | |
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llf137
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Joined: 3/20/2007
Msg: 128 | |
| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/18/2007 2:11:57 PM | | I guess I can say I am a survivior, though after 2 abusive relationships I wonder If I will ever be able to let anyone into my heart again. And that plus trust is the hardest part about going through these types of relationships. Yes It made me stronger, No I not the same person I used to be. It took me 2 yrs of my seperation to find me again. I am sure alot of you out there know what Im talking about when I say we get really good at pretending to have a wonderful life. I dont want to pretend anymore. Almost 4 yrs have gone by and I still have yet to let my gaurd down im scared to death. I signed up on here but I never look or stay on. So yes the worst scars we all have are hidden and if its never happened to you be very happy but understand that if we werent strong we wouldnt have been able to get out either. best of luck single dad and everyone | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/24/2007 1:12:03 PM | | I was a victim from the age of 17 to 20. The last guy that I was with smacked me if I was going to get up and do something. He usually withdrew after we got into a fight and he would call me a stupid idiot. He wouldn't talk to me and would try to punish me by telling me that I was the one who had problems and that he found me unattractive. I keep wondering when will the cycle end? things got better for me after having abuse when I was 17 but then things just got bad again. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:01:38 PM | | I just filed for a divorce. I just put up with 11 years. What finally stopped me from allowing it anymore? My son finally had to witness it. He is 15 and had never seen anything before. It was always behind closed doors or after the kids went to bed. I am sorry that my son saw my husband shatter my nose, but I thanked my son for giving me the courage to say - no more. I put a profile on here just to see what happened. There are some freaks on here to say the least. One thing I do before I meet anyone now is run a criminal check on them. In MO, it's free to the public. I can see what type of person they are (sorta) before I meet them. I haven't lost all hope in people. But, I am very leary about meeting people. But, I am tired of hiding and want to try to enjoy life again. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, email me. It depends on the person as to how long it takes to recover. I am lucky. This isn't the first husband that did things to me. But, it WILL be the last. I wish you all the luck in the world. I do worry what people will think of me once they see me now. I didn't look too bad in my photo 10 years ago. Now I have a messed up nose and scars on my face. But, take me for who I am or not. It's not going to bother me anymore. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/24/2007 3:36:43 PM |  I am a survivior. I came out of it stronger, softer, more sure of who I am,what I am, The scars are healing.
I know I am better than that. I also know what it means to have a healthy relationship.
Which is freaking awesome | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/24/2007 3:42:21 PM | | Yes, I'm a survivor. The first time was a case of physical abuse which got pretty bad. The second time was emotional and mental abuse. However, the physical abuse happened once with him, too. Both of the men were alcoholics. The relationships were horrible, and it took me forever to get to a point where I could even consider finding someone new. I'm still looking for my healthy relationship. I had hoped I had found it, but I'm not so sure now. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/24/2007 3:58:42 PM | Glad to see so many saying survivor.
I was involved in a verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive marriage for years. It never starts out that way, the progression was subtle. Once it escalated to the threats of physical violence, I left.
It only got physical once, nearly a year after the divorce, and it nearly cost me my life and did cost someone else theirs.
I've learned that violence escalates. Even sometimes after you remove yourself from the situation.
Even though it was subtle, I've learned from it not to have a repeat. The minute someone starts the jealous or controlling behavior...I'm so GONE, I evaporate.
If anyone is involved in something that's threatened or has become physcially violent, there's only one answer. Get out, leave. Violence escalates I've never known of, read or seen of one instance, where someone got LESS violent.
It's your life and you have every right to preserve and protect it any way you possibly can. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:49:38 PM | My ex was extremely controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive. He still is, but find he can no longer push my buttons like he used to. That never seems to stop him from trying, and it gets tiring.
I threw my husband out during my second pregnancy- I was worried that I would miscarry because the stress and fear were so intense. I always had abdomal pains. After the birth, the kids and I lived in a women's shelter for a couple of months. My ex had an injunction against him for a while, but I agreed to drop it.
He hit me once, after the divorce, and found himself at court. I don't think he will be doing that again, but I can't be too sure. If one thing he understands, its the law and consequences, but he manipulates everything and I always have to keep one step ahead of him.
Recovery took a long time, but finally, I think, I am coming around and getting my life back. I am a mush stronger person, and I don't sweat the small things nearly as much. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/26/2007 12:53:35 PM | I was. From 4 till 36. But it wasn't a partner. It was my family. It was both emotional and physical, over a long period of time, so it was battering. A friend of mine even said a few years ago, that I acted exactly like a battered wife. I had to become homeless and stay homeless to keep away. I cannot ever go back. I tried to commit suicide while I was there. If I go back, I might try again, and succeed.
Best thing I ever did was to leave. Hardest thing I ever did. It still haunts me that I cannot be in contact with my family.
I think we can heal, but it takes some, changing your behaviour so it doesn't happen in the future, and possibly therapy.
I hope so, anyway. It's the main reason why I'm still single. I'm worried that women will try and abuse me like the female abuser, or that men will see me as competition to women I'm interested in, and abuse me like the male abuser.
I don't blame my family, though. They just cannot deal with me, and their problems, as I have Aspergers, and my father had Cancer since we were kids, and the whole thing was too much of a strain on them.
I know it seems strange, but it was only once I stopped blaming them for my issues, that I was able to walk away and stay away.
Also, friends really do help. They were there for me. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 8/29/2007 5:59:49 AM | I feel for you if this is what you have been through.
I am a surviver of abuse from my husband.....but I am also a surviver of being raped when I was 6 yrs old. The two double whammies have made me very careful who I allow into my life now. Not just any man can come into my life...not even as a friend. I don't think we ever get over it...we heal from it in manyways, which is not something that happens over night. It does take time...years. I was a strong woman before the abuse and you can bet your last dollar bill I am even stronger now.
And as crazy as it is going to sound...there is healing in forgiveness....I know first hand it does work. We never forget what happened to us and to our children for they are scared for life, just as we are...but for them it is a more profound scaring for it will affect how they view others in all forms for the rest of their life. For us as adults we become more guarded, less willing to take a chance, we question the person more even though we may never speck out loud our questions, it's a questioning that is in our soul, and our spirit....will it happen again if I allow that person to be apart of my life?.....if I love them, will they love me back?....and when the person becomes upset, is this the day they will start abusing me?
No, it is never over...not really, but over time we do heal, and one day we get to a point in life that we are willing to take another chance at loving someone and living a WHOLE life again.
Wishing you the very best and may your healing time be a time of learning more about you as a person and finding out just how great YOU really are. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 11:16:16 AM | | I only saw one guy on here reply about the domestic violence yet so many women complain of it in a marriage. I wish more men could do what I'm going to admit to. I'm a victim of domestic violence, for nearly the past 3 years. I even married the woman who was abusing me. It got to be so bad my Army commander told me if I didn't report her to the police, he would and than he'd also report us both to CPS b/c we have a young child here. I quickly reported her, got a protection order, and have since filed for divorce and full custody of our child. Our daughter currently resides with me. It's hard to move on, but everyone is right, it does make you stronger. I've learned to be more assertive and more cautious. I try to avoid anyone who for one, doesn't have kids usually (no offense to people who don't), but, kids and parents can tell you a lot about your partner. Also, I want someone who I know will be good around my daughter as well. Even some parents aren't good to be around though. I also try to keep all the negative, degrading people out of my life. I had one friend who scolded me for not showing up at a car dealership her friend works at. Saying I embarrassed her. I don't need that kind of stuff in my life, nor does anyone else. I dropped her off my friends list. You gotta stay strong. Remember that you don't deserve it. It's hard to leave the violence behind. I don't know why I stayed in my relationship other than my daughter. Without her, I would have left a long time ago. I never even hit my ex wife back. Had I, I probably would have put her in the hospital. And let me explain why its slightly embarrassing. I'm a soldier, my job in the Army is as a combat medic. Meaning, I shoot to kill the bad guys, but treat all injured, bad or good. I'm 6'5 and over 250lbs, yet me ex was 5'3, and not even 130. People said I was hitting her, not the other way around. Talk about it. Its the best thing you can do. And don't ever, ever let someone control your life. No one can control it but you. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 11:25:43 AM | I have. I married Mary Poppins, who despite being great with kids had serious anger and communication issues. I begged her to go to anger management for ten years.
Even three years after we split up she still says things and acts completely innapropriately...the kind of stuff that would get me into real trouble if I did it. Her answer to my continued insistence that she try anger management??? No...because that what you want and I won't do what you want.
For the record, the double standard between men and women in this regard is appalling. It really makes you question your faith in society's committment to true gender equality. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 11:37:33 AM | | The state I currently reside in has laws made to protect the woman for the most part. I've never really met a single guy out here who admits to being hit. I'm supposed to be attending a support group next week though full of men who have been abused or done the abusing. I'm really nervous about it though. It hurts to talk about being hit by my ex. There's times when I think about all thats happened and I cry my heart out. It's part of the reason I'm glad my job lets me leave after being there for just 2 hours. They want me to get better, so I go to appointments and than go home. I usually leave my daughter in day care so she wont see me crying at all. A lot of my friends had wanted to tell me to leave but they never knew how. My parents thought it would get better, not worse. They don't believe in the honeymoon cycle. Now they're trying to help me through this everyday a little at a time from 3000 miles away. It's just hard b/c if I had hit her or gone at her with a knife like she did to me, I'd be sitting behind bars still. She went to a psych hospital the very next day, was in there for 5 days and than got to fly back to her mom in NJ pending her trial. I wish they'd lock her up b/c she's tried getting help. She's been arrested once already for hitting me and swore up and down it wouldn't happen again. But it did, and it only took her 2 weeks. I was placed in the barracks by my Army unit multiple times because of the domestic violence. Than in August, b/c my wife came at me with a knife, I had to watch my unit deploy to Iraq without me. I'm not sure what's been harder....knowing they're in harms way each day without me, or dealing with getting over my ex and trying to move on with our daughter still in my life. I just hope to win the custody battle. Which a lot of single parents out here in WA have told me I should even without an attorney (I can't afford one). | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 1:49:32 PM | I'm a survivor
And I agree that abusers don't pick weak people...they pick strong people with good hearts..then they chip away at that slowly, methodically, until there's almost nothing left. Those who have been abused (men and women) will know what I am talking about when I use the term, "crazymaking". Abusers seem to have radar for finding the buttons to push that will keep you off balance...doubting yourself...in my case to the point where I can't always trust my memory of the whole relationship. By the end I was a walking zombie. My whole being was so focused on him, just to be aware of the danger signs he showed before the violence that I did not know who I was or what I felt anymore. I could tell...at the end, by the sound of his truck engine and how he pulled into the driveway after work if I was going to get beaten that evening.
That hypervigilance is still with me... I've been diagnosed with Acute PTSD from the abuse. (sometimes I have flashbacks too) I don't think it will ever go away although it gets much less intense over the years. Time does seem to heal.
I made the mistake of thinking that if someone wasn't physically abusive then it was okay and got into another relationship later with a man who had a personality disorder...mental and emotional abuse..that messed me up for a while, but knowing as much as I do about abuse I was able to recognize it before it really got bad and get out. Thank goodness.
I know all men (can only talk about men because I don't have romantic relationships with women) aren't like this..but to be honest there is always a little wariness in the back of my mind. I don't think that will ever go away either although I am willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt and try to trust again. I trusted my last boyfriend..he wasn't violent, but one time he moved to fast close to my face and I flinched... there was no thought he would hurt me or fear of him, it was just a kneejerk reaction. He was hurt by this, but I couldn't help it... it WASN'T about him, it was about me. At least I can own my own stuff.
I wish I could say I can start over with a clean slate... I can't. My experience has affected the way I see the world...and there is a sense of safety I had as a child that I do not have anymore. On a positive note I have learned how strong I am, how to recognize the signs of violence and control in others and have very strong, healthy boundaries. I won't let what happened to me hold me back from relationships, or colour the way I view men as a whole. The person I get together with though should be someone who can understand that I have been through this and it did affect me...still does sometimes, and respect that.
I wish ALL the survivors here hope and happiness... | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 2:13:14 PM | I was..ONCE...when I was 20. My then boyfriend had been drinking (like he always did) and we got in a fight about his drinking. He grabbed me by the throat and choked me. I was fortunate that I did the dishes that day...because right there within arms reach was the cast iron frying pan....needless to say, when I hit him in the head and he went down, I thought I killed him. Nope just knocked him out cold for a few hours (frying pans and beer don't mix lol).
I have never ever let another person lay a finger on me. And I never will again. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 2:59:40 PM | What Ravenstar said sums it up pretty much....being in a coma for a couple of weeks was the wake up call for me.
I still flinch at times.
I watch men very very carefully. I know what to look for now when it comes to abusive people and I hate having to live like this.
Belle~ | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 3:11:24 PM | The problem is not that men won't admit being hit. They won't admit being hurt by it. Admitting being abused is admitting that you were harmed by it. And, just like women, admitting that you were so defective that you put up with it. That's worse for a man because he more obviously doesn't have to put up with it.
Women who are physically abusive are also emotionally abusive. And while women may usually not be as good at being physically abusive they sure can lay out the emotional abuse. Because emotional abuse, how to spot it and how to deal with it, are not ever really discussed in our culture then its harder for the men to spot. They just don't feel good and chalk it up to their own weakness.
New thread coming... :) | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 3:21:53 PM | I am a survivor too.
A mutual friend matchmade us. during the first several months of dating, he was very charming, and almost too good to be true, i remember he made a big deal about not sleeping together for a long time, he kept telling me how much he had respect for me and wanted to get to know me properly first, I fell inlove to the person he pretended to be for the first year or so.
After the first six months I agreed to him moving in with my son and I. I didnt see the changes at the time, as like was mentioned before, it was very subtle, making me think I'd miscounted money that 'disapeared' (ya ya call me naive, i was at the time), making me think I had a personality disorder or something, it was always me that "was wrong" and had to apologise for anything that caused a dispute. I saw less and less of friends (some who came back after the relationsh*t ended said he had threatened them), my own brother even was too scared of him to visit anymore, though at the time I just thought my brother was having his phase of not staying in touch very well. One friend stayed true, she claimed not to be scared of him but she never visited if he was there.
It was four months into him living with me that he first hit me; I was so shocked, and I had been with him for nearly a year, and I thought I loved him, so I fell for the "I'm so sorry, it wont happen again, I wont do it again, I promise!" way too many times. He abused both my son and I physically, and emotionally. I am embarrassed and ashamed to this day that I was so scared of him.
I got a college place during the 4th year of this relationsh*t, he tried everything to make me unable to attend. I am glad that I never caved into his attempts because it was an eye opener, in that it de-isolated me enough for me to gather the guts to tell him to leave. He refused, and I (yes i'm ashamed to say) wasn't strong enough to back up my verbal "it is finished, you have to leave." I did believe, and still do believe his threats of getting someone to kill my son and I were he to land in jail for his violence. It was November when I told him to leave. The violence escalated dramatically - he'd kick doors as I was walking through them, so my temples would be struck on both sides, He tried to kill me a few times - i don't know the instincts very well (i mean i've not had to employ them very often) that slowed time down for me to see what he was going to do next, but I thank evolution for them as they saved my life several times, he no longer was ever calm towards me, but would bring his face a cm from mine and would scream at me, sudden movements to make me jump - all his power trip in an attempt to break my will again and make me think i was unable without him...
on the 14th of february 2004 he forgot the house keys when he went out, when I realised I locked the door and bolted the 3 bolts (whoever made the front door like fort knox I am soo greatfull!), and I phoned my best friend and asked her to come and stay for a week (and thankfully she agreed), she got shopping for me, until I felt safe about leaving the house.
For years I would bump into him in the street whenever I had to go shopping. I eventually moved out of that town last year and no longer have that crap - tho it stopped bothering me a long time ago.
I still believe his threats he made about murdering my son and me, because I know what kind of person he was, and I know what kind of ties his family had to certain unsavoury ways of life.
I carry my physical scars with pride - to me they are medals of something I survived and that made me a stronger person, and more diligent about reading the signs of nasty intentions in others. I am still young, I have my whole life ahead of my still, I do not blame myself anymore for what happened, for it is negative and self destructive - sure I made a huge mistake (as did the 'friend' who match-made us together). It also took me a long time to realise that what I had fallen in love to had been a fantasy, or an avater covering what was an empty shell for a truth.
nearly 4 years I have been free of him physically - I will always bear the marks emotionally, although those marks have made me a hell of a lot more choosy. That to date was the only real 'relationship' or ltr I have ever been in, since it I have yet to find someone that i allow for dating to continue beyond a month - I have hope, and I know that not everyone has crap intentions, I have met many nice men, Ive also met many childish men, I have yet to meet mr perfect who isn't really perfect but matches what i'm looking for, or perhaps I have met him recently, but only time can tell me 
Crap things that happen do take time to get over. I don;t think they are ever behind one, but they become a part of who the person is - how we deal, and take whatever positive we can (lessons learnt and regaining self respect and esteem)... Everything takes time. I am in someways glad for it having happened, as I am now a stronger deeper and more empathic person than I was before.
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 4:33:08 PM | "I watch men very very carefully. I know what to look for now when it comes to abusive people and I hate having to live like this." I can relate, honestly.
Once some time had passed, I began to think of it differently. Not something I would have chosen, but it does give me insight I wouldn't have had otherwise. You do learn to recognize the "profile"...usually domineering, jealous and possessive. Although not all those men are abusers, but they are more likely to be potential abusers.
One hint of jealousy or possessiveness....I'm so in the wind, there's a draft!!  And I'm better able to spot it than I was before. Just a thought. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 5:20:35 PM | Abuse/violence is unacceptable. It should not be tolerated and we should be taking means as individuals and as a society to rid ourselves of those who do it whenever we have the chance.
I'm sure there ARE men who are abused, and that's part of the pattern of those who are victimized is the shame and embarrassment. To ignore it, excuse it, pretend it doesn't exist only enables the abusers to keep their awful secrets and keep abusing.
There are resources for men, and I'd never accept a shelter that would turn away a man because of his gender. For anyone to keep silent will guarantee the problem will still exist. If we would quit revictimizing the victims, if we'd educate all the ignorant people who splatter their well meaning platitudes "it must have been something you did to make them so angry" and those victims felt safe, protected and knew they had the resources to leave and have the abusers punished, then that'd be a huge leap to exterminating this scourge of humanity.
People won't step forward, speak up, ask for help if they fear they'll be blamed or made to carry the burden of guilt or shame in the process. Abuse is a silent evil...it needs to have a voice and a LOUD ONE! | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/18/2007 8:32:51 PM | | Bucsgirl.....the problem is that most shelters don't know how or don't have the room to treat a man who has been abused. They specialize in women who have been abused and allowing them to bring the kids in with them. I've tried my domestic violence advocacy, nothing. In fact, there was one agency I contact because they have loads of pamphlets dealing with domestic violence. Would you believe each one was strictly aimed towards women who are batterred and not men. Talk about a sexist society. I never hit my wife not out of fear of her hitting me back, but for the same reason many men my size don't hit back when a woman is so small. One punch would put her in the hospital, possibly even kill her. I've got a daughter to take care of, I can't deal with my daughter being taken away by my parents let alone the state taking her. As I told my dad, I'm fighting my ex for full custody, but if I lose, I'm not sure how I'll react when I get home and find I'm all alone. | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/19/2007 2:52:27 PM | Keith, actually it may pose a problem if the facilities aren't co-ed. If they're full, they're full. I know there is a men's advocacy group here, don't remember the name. I applaud your efforts in trying to start one.
All the statistics I've seen the large majority is women. But statistics can only be compiled of cases that are reported, and many aren't. "Would you believe each one was strictly aimed towards women who are batterred and not men." Yes, I believe it. Is it right, of course not. Men should have access to all the resources that women do, it's just not happening.
"As I told my dad, I'm fighting my ex for full custody, but if I lose, I'm not sure how I'll react when I get home and find I'm all alone." I wish you the best, and hope and pray that you are given a fair hearing.  | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/19/2007 2:57:24 PM | | If you did it back, she'd say you did it first and she would've walked away unscathed. That's how the court systems work unfortunately, they take our word over the man's every time that there's a two-way altercation. You did the right thing. Congrats!! | |
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| Domestic Violence-Were you a Victim
Posted: 10/19/2007 4:23:09 PM | | Attah girl. The last day 'someone I knew' and I were together, he grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off the ground. He was a good guy, but he lost it for a moment. He was 6'5" and I am 5'3". I have never felt so helpless. Just as soon as he dropped me and I could breath again, I stood up and punched him square in the mouth. I had never hit anyone before, but it was a great punch and I knocked out one of his front teeth and broke the other. I will never punch anyone again. I didn't like it, but if someone -ANYONE- bullies you, even for a moment- give 'em what hoh back and then give up the relationship and go have a nice icecream and cry.-it helps. No one-No one has the right to hurt or be mean to someone else., and when people forget this rule, and we all have, it is horribly sad for everyone involved, after all, most abusers are just too afraid to be vulnerable and have a normal relationship, and while you can walk away from them, they can't walk away from themselves. The only power they have, is the power we give them. | |
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