arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 26 | |
| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/9/2006 10:18:26 AM | Change is natural ... and no one is that rigid.
Relationships are separate entities apart from the individuals. In a relationship, both parties naturally change to accommodate each other and what's wrong with that? | |
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sdcoll
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Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 27 | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/9/2006 10:57:34 AM | Well, glad to have seen so many different point of views about my question. Mostly thinking it as being a Waste of time trying to change someone to a better person. A few thinking every individual is responsible for their own decisions to change.
I still think when there is enough will and enough love and attention, every little drop of attempt can progress. Although,the world has become a very shallow and impatient place to be in. If we just let go and leave the problems remain within ones living behaviours, then, we are busy allowing the "Bad seeds" grow amongst our own plantations!!
Thanks and good luck to everyone.
Mind Reader | |
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kmhstx
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 29 | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/9/2006 11:32:28 AM | I wouldn't try to change someone. Some things just can't be changed. It'd be better to find someone else who had the qualities you already valued instead of trying to make someone fit into your ideal.
I'm still a little undecided on manners, though. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 3:55:23 PM | I believe people are who they are and rarely change......you can't learn not to lie, not to be abusive, not to be late, not to be inconsiderate....these are set by time someone reaches young adulthood in my opinion. This is not to say you can't excuse a minor slight, such as a forgotten birthday --- once that is ----but multiple inconsiderate / forgetful actions will not change. Love, sacrifice and perserverance doesn't change people and I know that is very difficult to believe and to hear when you so want to believe the person disappointing you, not loving you and not being kind to you is someone you want so badly.
That being said, any such concern is worth making sure you are seeing that individual as he/she really is and not by your judgement of them.......tricky to do.......maybe what you consider to be inconsiderate is lack of information, extenuating circumstances like traveling for business, or other real isues. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 4:07:21 PM | Here is the most important thing I learned after leaving an alcoholic, abusive marriage that lasted 21 years.
YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON, NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOUR INTENTIONS ARE!!!
Remember: The rubber band. They will play along with you for a while, but bounce right back to the familiar, old habits. Believe me! I know!
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 7:36:02 PM | Change is natural ... and no one is that rigid.
Relationships are separate entities apart from the individuals. In a relationship, both parties naturally change to accommodate each other and what's wrong with that?
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Nothing if the change is consemtual and mutally agreed upon.If it's a mindset of "he/she is a little rough around the edges,but I can work on that",then it involves nagging and coercion.No one should be pressured or forced to make changes they don't want to make.The person who mentioned smoking is right and that's a great example.The wife who nags her husband into quitting will only succeed either in getting herself divorced or having her husband hide his smoking from her. | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 37 | |
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Rake
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Joined: 3/12/2005
Msg: 38 | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 8:08:49 PM | I've been in a position where someone has tried to change me, and where I have tried to change someone else. It just doesn't happen. Somethings can change such as negative habits like leaving the seat up for example, or swearing. But there are others that are harder to change such as smoking or drinking, personality traits, fanancial situation and on and on. If you simply don't like the traits that your loved one posseses and that is just the way they are, then leave it be. Accept them or get out. I remember one of my ex's trying to change my ways with conversation, and then love and eventually fighting. It just made me want to rebel and hang on to my behaviors more, I didn't feel like changing and I found it annoying and insulting when someone tried to change me.
I've also tried to change others and it just ended up with them rebelling against me and holding on to that behavior that I wanted changed even more strongly. Lesson learned on my part. I should have just asked myself, "Is it worth ending it over these issues that will obviously not go away anytime soon?"
I would have saved myself so much suffering if I only would have pulled off the band-aid sooner. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 8:56:00 PM | Quote: "I still think when there is enough will and enough love and attention, every little drop of attempt can progress."
Hey Mind Reader -- You may plant some seeds. But what those seeds grow into is not under your control. I tried to help a "friend" for two or three years who had a serious addiction problem. Thank god we were never intimately involved, that would have really made it difficult. It was bad enough without physical entanglement.
"Every little drop of attempt" that I made in his behalf was soaked up without regard to my feelings or intention. I put clothes on his back and food in his mouth and for a time he even had a room under my roof, when there was no other place except the shelter. He would act so grateful, and when I went out to work, he would go back to his using habits. I found out the hard way that all he needed was a couple of bucks to get the cheap swill he drank. I traveled great distances to try to help him unsnarl his legal tangles. I did not preach, I made no demands. I thought part of his problem was that he had been preached to and ordered about too much already. There was enough will and love and attention (and PATIENCE, which you didn't mention) to fill an ocean. That's what an addict is -- an enormous abyss that nothing will ever fill.
I did everything that his family might have done for him, except they had already had a gutful of his selfishness and self-destructive behavior. I did not have very deep pockets, but I did what I could to keep him afloat for a couple of years. When he finally got his monthly pittance from the VA straightened out, that was the last I heard of him. I was his friend when no one else in the world gave a damn, but $825 a month was more valuable. He got an apartment 1/2 mile from my house and cut all ties.
So prepare to be hurt. I'm just glad I got off so cheap, allowing someone to sleep in my house who may have murdered me for the money in my purse, no more than I really knew of his true nature.
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 10:13:23 PM | | I am really against trying to change somebody for what they are doing in their life... it is always good to provide input but in the end do you love the person or the DREAM of the person... in that case it isnt love it is the hope of love and thats not fair to you or your partner. Changing another is on thing, growing as individuals and respecting that is another. IMHO of course. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 10:31:18 PM | "mind_reader on 1/9/2006 7 29 AM
Subject: Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Message: Sometimes, we do feel like we are being very much attracked to a person with very many negative characters, what many of us could consider Wrong. Our wisdom could warn us about getting closer to such person, but our feelings could make us close our eyes.
There are also people who do believe we could change someone from their wrong doings by care and concern and love and attention.
In such case, I think we do need to somehow Sacrifice. Our time and patience, our perseverance, our belief and hope, are all required to keep on with the situation till we are able to reach the point we desire. But, then, we can also ask ourselves: Is it worthed to
try to change such people although they might never turn from their bad behaviours?
What do you think? "
This is called........ playing/being a "savior" for a "bad boy" vs having a relationship with a "nice guy" who is decent, attentive and caring toward a woman.
.....And no....ppl. don't change ( unless something earth-shattering happens in their lives).
No...it's not worth it to try to and "change" someone. You either accept em' the way they are
or just move on. Been there and tried it.....and in the end it never works out. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 10:51:46 PM | NO one can change anyone else!
Men fall in love with women because of the way the woman makes the man feel......
Women fall in love with the potential the man has!
When love starts fading....... men want to know what happened to the woman he married..
women want to know why the man NEVER changed!
You have to love the one you are with...... the way they are...........flaws and all.... No one is perfect.. hopefully someone will be perfect for us!   | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 11:14:38 PM |
There are also people who do believe we could change someone from their wrong doings by care and concern and love and attention.
They are mistaken.
In such case, I think we do need to somehow Sacrifice. Our time and patience, our perseverance, our belief and hope, are all required to keep on with the situation till we are able to reach the point we desire. But, then, we can also ask ourselves: Is it worthed to
try to change such people although they might never turn from their bad behaviours?
What do you think?
I think they are a glutton for punishment that will end up sorely disappointed when the change they work so hard to bring about doesn't materialize and the person they are trying to change pushes them away...
Change comes from the inside, when a person is ready to change.
Until then no amount of encouragement, coaxing or harassment is going to bring it about and it likely will just breed resentment in the person that's being pressured to change.
Doesn't really matter how delicate and supportive the pressure is, the person has to want to change or nothings going to change. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 11:20:03 PM | If the one doing wrong realizes what they are doing is actually wrong, there is hope they MIGHT change themselves one day. But like the others say, you can't change them yourself. I think Morpheus said it best "I can only show you the door, but you have to walk through it."
In conclusion, don't go into something wanting to change someone. Time to move on. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/10/2006 11:25:50 PM | ^^^ smoking is bad for you anyway
So is being married to a woman who thinks she has the power to change you and that she will be able to convince you to quit smoking.... 
I think most people who actually quit smoking do so because they've come around full circle and find it's become an un-enjoy-able nasty habit that's all to easy to walk away from. Until then you try to quit, many times over... least that was the case for me. Nicotine addiction actually had very little to do with it in the end.
Once my head was in the right place the physical addiction was easily overcome. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 4:43:46 AM | | OP, what are the "feelings" based on -- the ones that might make you close your eyes to the guy's faults or hope to change him? Sexual attraction? If he was as ugly as a stick, would you be so generous? If you're getting into -- or staying in -- a relationship with a person whose basic character you have serious reservations about, you're in for a life of grief. Do you want to be a "martyr" crying on someone's shoulder "I thought I could change him. I tried so hard to help him but he just wouldn't change ..." People sometimes do change -- when THEY want to. Some people will never change. Do you want to waste years of your life on a gamble with the odds stacked against you? Unless you love so many things about the guy that you're willing to put up with his faults, get out now -- before you make each other completely miserable! | |
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