| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 5:22:44 AM | Well, I should say you are mostly trying to convince me of even making an attempt. I know what your messeges are and do notice a few of you with practical advises and experiences too.
I should say, what a pitty!! Is it always been this way? I mean I am only hearing from most of you that IT IS ALL TOO LATE to Believe in the Powers of Goodness.
And Goodness, are the things we do to help others without expecting anything in return.
When I read your responses and experiences, I do notice somehow Conditional Love. It will never work, true. When you do helped someone for example to stop his or her drug addiction and he kept on abusing the situation and left to continue his wrong doings, did you ever ask yourself what was he or she really looking for from the begining? What caused him or her the trouble and what gave him the pain so deeply that he had decided to destruct himself?
Or, is it that we are all too busy denying the pain such people go through without offering a Real helping hand? I am sure if and when we do question such Wrong doing groups, they do have many to tell us. There are also many decent people amongst such groups which could be helped returing to their normal, healthy life-style. And, Not for me, not that I would expect them to stay with me or be mine instead!!
Of course, I can't blame you guys either for what you have been through trying to cope with undesireable behaviours and finding your attempts a waste only!!
Thanx again
Mind Reader | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 5:30:45 AM | No one can change anyone....think about it...if you were very different from someone that was interested in you...would u want them trying to mold you the way they want you, or the way they feel you should be.  | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 5:56:04 AM | ^^ I am talking about specific undesireable patterns or habbits. Not about personalities as they have been and are originally!! No, I don't like others trying changing me since I can perfectly fit within so called a "Normal" cathegory of humen's known living-styles. A change I am asking about is a change effecting one's behaviour.
We do and we can change people from their wrong doings, of course not through the Night.
And it is also important to know how much we do care for that specific person since we do have to somehow sacrifice.
The question now comes in mind is that Are we ready to do the act of sacrifice at all?
Mind Reader | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 6:46:05 AM | I wouldn't try to change someone. Some things just can't be changed. It'd be better to find someone else who had the qualities you already valued instead of trying to make someone fit into your ideal.
I'm still a little undecided on manners, though.
I know how hard it is for me to change and virtually impossible to 'make' someone change. If you want to make the world a better place, change yourself. There are some control freaks in this world who try to run everyone else's life. That is pathological and they are very unhappy people...but they are the exception.
If a lover drinks too much repeatedly, move on. I am a recovering alcoholic with 26 years of sobriety and I know the physical, moral, and emotional degradation of the active alcoholic. Dont try to change him...pray for him and encourage him to get help.
As for manners, that is much easier to change. Some of us dont realize we can and should work on that area. If the other person respects your opinion, they will moify their behavior in this area. This is far different than trying to change the basic personality or traits such as high anger, resentments, controlling others..etc. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 8:16:16 AM | | Call me odd or heck, call me wrong if you want, but I believe ignorance breeds more ignorance. I live by example, I do what I can to be 'good' as far as 'good' goes, and the only thing I hope for is if these good intentions rub off on someone, be it anyone, to help them making choices in their own life; good or bad. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 11:03:30 AM | Your postings are convoluted.
"We do and we can change people from their wrong doings, of course not through the Night."
This is just an example. What do you mean?
You're wanting to change somone's "specific" behaviors. So be specific. What behaviors?
You can't change anybody. They have to want to change themselves. Your postings convey a Pollyanna-ish optimism that if you "sacrifice", pray and offer support and unconditional love, that those things can turn a person's life around. Sure, in the movies.
It's a great way to make yourself into a doormat. A sacrificial doormat for someone to wipe their feet on. If you're hoping to turn someone away from an addictive behavior, you're going to have to draw some lines in the sand and the poor beleagured, misunderstood subject of your virtous efforts will dance all around them to find a way to continue those behaviors.
Good luck. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 3:36:31 PM | Great points by Anncognito -- cool name by the way, Ann!
OP, if drug addiction is the problem on the part of your lover(?) that you want to change, sure, if you hang in there long enough, POSSIBLY you can help him to change. On the other hand, be aware that he might get YOU to change. Don't forget, misery loves company. I've seen that exact scenario unfold more than once. | |
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Tinkle
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Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 59 | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 4:15:05 PM | Anyone here want to talk about Pavolian impressions and methods?
Yes, absolutely you can change people. It's a heck of a lot of energy and impossible boundries for the most part. History (especially world history) - has legions of examples of this...
Why bother to try to change a single individual is another facet of the question. Why even attempt that wielding of power over another person in the first place?
Know yourself, go to where you belong. Isn't that why we are all running around with these laundry lists in the first place?
You can change behavior, yes. But for how long? What's the final beauty in it anyway?
But the core behavior that bothers you? If it's weak..just keep shopping. It's why we don't build nuclear power plants on swampgrounds or sinkholes for example...
One cannot guarantee the change however without the reinforcing rewards though. And that means..all the time..all the time..all the time, every single time without fail. The behavior would be what you want, but eventually you'd be working with someone that was no longer your ideal if you pulled the support even once. It's dishonest, pathetic, grandoise, can never be trusted and a waste of time...
Wouldn't it be better to work with a sturdy canvas and the right materials in the first place? Costs can increase of course to a personal level, it always takes more of the first "fix-it" - whether that detail is your time, money, or any other kind of energy, it has to be more powerful each time, and eventually you will lose yourself at the end of the journey, and it is there that the original negative behavior owns YOU.
That's a hell of a thing to wake up to - just my opinion of course.
Folk lore has a great summation of it: Can't make a silk purse from a sows ear. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 4:55:29 PM | Another thing. To quote the OP, "I don't like others trying changing me since I can perfectly fit within so called a "Normal" cathegory of humen's known living-styles."
"Normal" people are not attracted to people whose lives are train-wrecks.
Put the energy you would use into rehabilitating somebody into discovering what it is about you that attracts you to this kind of person. So you don't keep getting into the space where you feel the need to fix people up.
Otherwise you're laying yourself open to having your soul sucked dry. Save your precious energy to improve your own life. If you wouldn't like someone trying to change your lifestyle, accept that someone else won't appreciate your tampering with theirs.
These are 1) things I wish someone had told me and 2) things that were told to me repeatedly. My brother said I'd know when it was time to bail from my own entangled situation, and he was right. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/11/2006 5:49:10 PM | | Well for heavens sake ! My answer is, Yes you can....... as long as they are age 10 years and younger ! bad personality traits? Change them and change them now before we end up with more teenage and older drug induced Hookers and Grown men that marry ,then beat on their wifes not to mention wanting to share their penis with every Jan, Jill, and Julie that might glance their way, Put the fear of god into em before its to late !! | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/12/2006 7:23:17 AM | People only change when THEY themselves decide to do it from WITHIN.This includes personality traits and behavior dysfunctions such as drug addiction.
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I tend to run from women who want to make me their "project".I've had that displeasure a few times,never again.If you can't accept a person with ALL of their quirks,problems and such then you need to be with someone that you're better suited to.It's just that simple.
In regards to people like Blindheart who seem to feel that changing a man is somehow a moral crusade,go join a volunteer group or nieghborhood watch or counseling service.Trying to change people is counterproductive and just plain wrong.People are agents of free will.
Give it up,they will change when and if THEY decide to.It's not your decision.Get over it. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/12/2006 9:08:36 AM | Taurus,
Hmmmmmmm, I didnt realize males, 10 years old and younger, were actually considered to be men!! I guess I wasted quite a few years trying to teach my son morals, like its better to give than to recieve, being polite and respectful, never to hit a girl under any circumstance, you know, moral garbage like that, and that was only for my own selfish needs so that I may raise a son into a man, and to become a decent caring human being, with hopes that he would be accepted for who he is and others would not feel or have the need to want to change him!!
As far as counseling services you mentioned - especially the ones for teenagers, yes, trying to change people is counterproductive... heaven knows we wouldnt want some of our troubled teens changing their ways, teens with anger problems growing into adult abusers, teens with drug and alcohol problems becoming adult pushers and habitual drunk drivers, teens committing date rapes, becoming serial rapists, teens getting their kicks by stealing, becoming armed robbers, and the list goes on... I apologize, my mistake , very counterproductive !!! Dont know what I was thinking when I assumed part of societys problem with adults wanting to change adults may possibly have stemmed from how we are raised and what we are taught as children, not to mention the lack of discipline, and abundance of neglect! Your right, people are agents of free will , including our children! It will remain a mystery where and how we develope these bad behaviors where we as adults want to change one another??? | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/12/2006 9:24:14 AM |
Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Ok... so.. you think their ways are wrong.. but maybe you are wrong.
a person with very many negative characters
If it is their character.. then it is their character and nobody will change that
I think we do need to somehow Sacrifice
and off to Africa we go to do missionary work, converting the heathens to Christians.
Its absolutely rediculous to think you can mould someone into something you desire instead of enjoying who they are. Bad is a relative term... unless you mean criminal. And our Justice system fails misserably at rehabilitating people. | |
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ya472
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Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 66 | |
| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/12/2006 9:46:47 AM | ..
Too funny !
Why would you want to change a person's traits, the traits that attracted you ?
One lady was very flirtatious, outgoing and loved to be the center of attention. She lit up my life. Unfortunately, I wasn't the one and only.
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| Everyone tries to change people....
Posted: 1/12/2006 9:54:46 AM | Sometimes its for mutual benifit and other times for selfish benifit. If its for mutual benifit its worth it. Its pretty simple. Anyone who says they are accepting of ones character 100% has probably already changed it to suit their desires.....
Change is good, forced change is not. Do what you want. And expect others to aswell. If you change a person and they call you controlling then tell them to shove it up their ass and learn about self control....If someone changes me its because I decided to do it. Nobody is held at gun point. Always do what you want. Be prepared for the worst and expect the best.
People ask for change all the time. The reasoning for the change is what is important.
As for people being negative, well I think there needs to be a balance someone that is always positive doesnt always tell you what you NEED to hear. Sometimes we need to hear the negative to weight the choice of changing. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/12/2006 10:32:53 AM | Hmmmmmmm, I didnt realize males, 10 years old and younger, were actually considered to be men!!
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My bad,I thought you were referring to guys being 10 years youngER than oneself,which I thought to be kinda strange anyway.Actually,the shrinks say a person's personality as far as their morality and such is concerned is usually pretty much set long before the age of ten.
We're on the same page here,I just misread what you wrote,sorry my bad. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/12/2006 2:02:44 PM | Its litterly impossible you can make suggestions till your blue in the face but if they arn't open to it forget about it...
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A little anecdote here,should've shared this sooner.My parents were together 58 years,my mom pushed her walker to his hospital bed and kissed him goodbye when he passed away.He was an alcoholic from the time he was about 12 until he was about 70,some 15 years before he left us.All during that time,my mom nagged,bytched,did everything to get him to change.The best he would do is quit drinking for a few months,but he always went back to it.He loved gambling too,and nothing my mom did or said changed it.He loved drinking and gambling and nothing was going to change that.He was constantly going through the cycle of getting himself into trouble and then deciding he would change,go back to church and get straight.Most it would last would be about three months.He was hospitalized once for it,and he stayed sober for a year.But he went back to it and it inspired my mom to write a song titled,"Jesus loves you and I'm trying".
Then one day,after no bad incidents,he had just decided that he had had enough.He told me that he prayed and asked God to remove the DESIRE for drinking and gambling.He never drank and aside from an occasional lotto ticket,he never gambled again.That was in 1985,he passed away in 2000. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/13/2006 12:18:04 PM | theres really no point in tryin to change someone unless they want to be changed...if they don't want to change theirselves then it is a waste of time and effort...take it from me i know
they will change if and when they want to | |
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