| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/13/2006 7:22:44 PM |
O.K. You Guys, You all win, I wouldn't even try changing anyone at all from now on. I'll try to put my energy into promoting my own life instead.
Then again, Mindreader, don't be hasty now -- you could wait forty some years for the change as Taurus's mom did!
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/15/2006 4:22:06 PM | This is a long but VERY true story....
About 5 years ago I was laying in bed watching TV, not finding anything good on, I grab my cell phone and started messing with it... I discovered I could go into chat rooms... So I go in there and there is lots of not so nice ppl, swearing, being nasty, talking sex... hehehe... they all had names like "sucmydic" "bigcock4u" all that... so just as I was about to leave.. this guys says hi to me. his name on there is 2nice... a normal name, so I decide to say hi. We start talking. I am trying to ask him how to get my email off my phone but it is difficult to hold a conversation in there.
I try to give him my phone number, but he is to shy to call. Finally he calls me about a week later. We have a nice innocent conversation. We start talking more and more, each time he says Thanks for spending time with me, you dont know what you have done tonight.
As the weeks went by and we talked more and more, I learned that he was a "Thug", living in San Antonio, into drugs, scams, fraud, in and out of jail...& he loved to drink. And he would talk to me about the only life he knew... He had a good side to him that wanted to come out, but it was hard for him to leave the gang life he always knew. He would go to church a few times, stay out of trouble for a short time, but he would always go back... we talked on the phone for over a year, and after only 7 months, he tattooed my name on his arm. He said that I was Angel de la Guardia, his Guardian Angel, Instead of going out to get wired and drunk, he would stay home talking to me for hours. I felt obligated at first to be there for him. I thought if I was not there for him to talk to, he would just go back to doing the wrong thing. I told him I would always be there for him, he could call and talk to me anytime. I told him that I believed in him and I knew that he could become the persoon he wanted to. I always encouraged him to Stay strong, and stay safe. We started having feelings for eachother, and soon it was difficult not being near. I flew to TX (from NH) to visit him, I stayed 3 weeks. The following month, he flew up North and stayed with me 3 weeks. The following month, I moved to TX to be with him. I was so in love with him, and he made me so happy. He was doing really good, no drinking, he cut himself off from all his old friends, he would take his mom with him for support if he felt he might run into a friend downtown, and not have the strength to walk away... We were together for 3 years.. I always told him how proud I was of him, and I always believed in him. For Family and other reasons I had to move back home suddenly. We were forced apart and I was devistated. We talked on the phone 10 times a day for the first 3 months I was gone.. then slowly the calls went down to about 2 times a day.... eventually it was once every few days, and I learned that he went back to drinking... there is alot more to this story but I am just going to tell you happy ending. We are still friends and keep in touch every now and then. But he has changed his life around. He is going to church again, he got off of his probation early, he has been sober and clean for almost a year and is devoting his life to God... It was a long hard road for him, but In my heart I always knew he would do it. I am a firm believer that, if you want something bad enough, The ONLY person stopping you from getting/doing it, is yourself.
I don't feel I changed him, I was just there for him, you can't change somebody because you want to, they have to want to change, and they have to do it for themselves.. nobody else..
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/15/2006 4:39:28 PM | | It would defeat the purpose of being attracted to someone if you felt that they needed to change as a person. I think people that are attracted to others who have issues with the hopes of saving them or trying to change them probably just have issues themselves. I will never sell myself short!! | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/16/2006 10:47:07 AM | You know... I look at it this way...
How would I feel if someone thought my ways were wrong and tried to change ME?! I'd lose it! I'm happy with who I am and how I do things!!! I don't want to be changed so I won't try to change others... just accept them and appreciate them for who they are! | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/16/2006 11:33:45 AM | A lot depends on how important the behavior is which needs to be changed. If a person is 30 years old and not potty trained yet then something is going to need to be changed !
There are 3 ways to get people to do what you want.
The 1st way is to punish them. But they will only do enough to keep from getting punished.
The 2nd way is to reward them. That works better, but they will only do enough to get the reward.
The 3rd. way is to make them understand why it's important. When people understand WHY something is important then they will do anything you ask.
Think of it like that. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/16/2006 11:48:03 AM | The only thing we can truely change is ourselves. At best we can only influence others, but how much so is up to them. All of us fear change to some extent...even "good" change can be scary. Most of us tend to like things "as is" and any attempt to change this intrudes on our "comfort zone". If someone wants to change that is up to them. I can't "make" someone change...only offer choices of change. It is up to the person to decide if they want to make a change or not.
I accept people are who and what they are, the choice is theirs what "that" is. | |
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izz4us
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Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 84 | |
| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/16/2006 11:58:50 AM | We usually know within the first five minutes of talking to someone if they are for us or not.
People who lie or manipulate cheat or abuse are fearful and insecure but most of us will rationalize it away for whatever reasons. They got some nice things about them too, OR it'll change when this and this happens. Never, never, never....
My motto is if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, it is a duck, not an eagle.
It is not our job to make people into who we want them to be. See them as they are and choose your level of involvment.
What I mean is this, " Your a nice guy and I want to be friends but when it comes to dating or intimate relationships you and I are not on the same page". | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/20/2006 10:51:52 PM | | YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMONE! thats not the way it works if you do the funny thing that happens is you change instead. Lady you wanna play with fire go ahead Ive seen what happens to men or women who put it upon themselves to change people.....it isnt pleasent. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 1/21/2006 1:07:13 AM | | I dunno what it is. I change all the time. I'm happy to change for people so long as I want to as well. Like for instance if I've been wanting to keep my apartment clean and neat and someone who spends a lot of time there with me talks to me about it it's no biggie. Now I have extra incentive to keep it clean. Then there are things that I would never change for people - I would never give up my pet. That whole 'you can't change someone' thing is bullshit. You can but they have to want to change in the same way you want them to. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:32:59 PM | I have addressed this on several threads and have experience in bad behaviors like alcoholism, dsyfunctional families, codepedents, gamblers, drug abuse, abused women.
I was a group leader for a few years for a spiritual program called the 12-step program (based after the AA big book by Alcoholic Anonymous). This is a great program for all the ones having addictions, families , friends and anyone affected by these effects.
The Serenity Prayer is "God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference!"
I have learned that the only one I can change is myself, and what I can not change is other people, places and things!!! And wisdom is to learn that fact.
There are all kinds of 12 step programs out there, and they are free or ask a donation.
Addictions turn out that they are illness, and all those around that person is affected.
And become ill too.
So put your energy in things you truly can change YOURSELF!!! And try to not worry about things you CANNOT change people, places and things. But that does not mean you can't love them, but offer to have them seek help through one of these 12 step program. But remember they must be Willing to go seek and get help!!!!
Secure Heart | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/27/2007 3:45:56 PM | First of all, I would give you a word of wisdom...people will can only change themselves and only WILL change themselves if THEY want to. That being said, YOU trying to change them (or their wrong doings as you put it) is a waste of time. Besides, I would ask you this...if it is so "wrong" in your view or the view of those whose opinions you value, then why not move on? Ohhh yesssss, the attraction thing...so? You can't be attracted to someone else? Just because something is "wrong doings" in your little world doesn't necessarily mean it is wrong for them in theirs ,unless it is harming them or someone else in some fashion. Some people set themself up to be a ''savior'' of sorts (not implying you are doing this but you did make some statements that would lead me to believe that).
I think we do need to somehow Sacrifice. Our time and patience, our perseverance, our belief and hope, are all required to keep on with the situation till we are able to reach the point we desire. So, when you have "saved" this person from themself, what's the reward? Being with the person YOU pictured them to be once cleaned up, or a pat on the back for all the ''sacrifices'' you've made to make them this new improved version? I'm not trying to be sarcastic...just realistic...been there, done that, and it don't work. I'll say it again, people will only change if THEY so choose, and all your trying to make them change does is waste your time or have them fake the change to pacify you if their heart really isn't in it. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/28/2007 9:36:28 AM | | No one can change anyone but themselves. No amount of: time, effort, energy, love, threatening, violence, therapy, or anything else, will change another person one bit. Why waste your life trying to do what can't be done? | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/28/2007 1:32:49 PM | I don't think you should ever expect to be able to change someone. You can't make people change. It has to come from within themselves, and even then it is very difficult since people's character is pretty much set early on in life. Make it easy on yourself and go by that simple fact.
Many women like to think they can change bad men's behavior and these men (often abusers who cannot be in healthy, normal relationships) know this and have been playing on that since before the wheel was invented. If you love him, make sure he doesn't abuse it. If he can't be kind and sweet without also being nasty and abusive you will have to let go at some point because he is probably never going to change in any significant way, and you will end up feeling hurt and miserable. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/28/2007 3:01:22 PM |
There are also people who do believe we could change someone from their wrong doings by care and concern and love and attention.
In such case, I think we do need to somehow Sacrifice. Our time and patience, our perseverance, our belief and hope, are all required to keep on with the situation till we are able to reach the point we desire. But, then, we can also ask ourselves: Is it worthed to
try to change such people although they might never turn from their bad behaviours?
Stop trying to change anyone. It will not work. All you are doing is being an enabler of that particular behavior. In the end you waste years of your life until one day you say enough. So stop wasting your time. Come to terms that first you are not going to change that person, second are you willing to leave them? Yes? No? Live with that. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/28/2007 3:09:59 PM | | Sacrifice in this context is nonsense. Why put yourself through the time, pain, and agony when you can just go out and find someone better using that same time? If someone is "broken", its up to them to fix themselves, and nobody else. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/28/2007 3:14:48 PM | It just blows my mind that people still even entertain these ideas.
Most of us (as reflected in previous posts) know you can not/should not even try. You come across as a control freak or appear to think yourself superior. You will become a nag (if you're a woman) or a bully (if you're a man).
If you can not accept the person as they are when they walk into your life...just accept the experience of having known them and walk away...or just call them a friend and leave it at that. | |
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tmotts
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 98 | |
| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/28/2007 5:23:07 PM | | I wouldn't want to change anyone, I want him to come to me fixed already. I spent a good portion of my life trying to fix myself and others, it's a done deal. It just becomes artificial, to me if it's not natural than I don't want it. | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 9/28/2007 5:28:19 PM | | You can't change other people . Only they can change themselves. You did not specify what their "wrong doings " were. What are they doing that is so wrong ? Why do you think that your way is so much better ? | |
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| Is it worthed to try changing people from their wrong ways?
Posted: 11/2/2008 6:13:46 PM | | The ancient Greeks knew that "the desire to be healed was half the cure" I am not sure that we can change anyone who does not want to be changed, but I think there are those who are trying to change and those who MIGHT change for the worse that we can help. Now here is the rub. How do you discern those who truly seek help and those who wish to take advantage of your good intentions. | |
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