| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 10:19:59 AM | | What the hell is the big fuss about..anyways..you either say yes and enjoy the moment or you say NO......everyone has that choice. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 10:28:37 AM | | OP it seems to me that feeling *used* for sex has nothing to do whether either person enjoyed the act or not (i assure you, women do enjoy sex too). feeling *used* has more to do with the guilt and implied emotional expectation we are socially conditioned to have when it comes to sex. it's also about the double-edged sword...a guy who has a fling is a stud, a girl is a slut...the double-standard is stupid, intellectually we know that, but emotionally, women sometimes allow that irrational guilt to eat away at their sense of self-worth. we often expect so much more in the aftermath of sex than many guys do, we've been socially conditioned to think that way. | |
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sddude
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Joined: 11/4/2004
Msg: 203 | |
| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 10:39:09 AM | | I feel like a slut then , mmm is that bad ? | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 10:52:27 AM | the term "being used" in any situation means that someone has felt their values have been compromised or violated whether those values were known to the other party or not. No one enjoys feeling "used" because it devalues them. The problem however isn't always with the user - often the person being used is abusing themselves by consenting to acts they are not ready for emotionally or otherwise.
The sex isn't the issue - the "expectations" is the problem. If someone says they felt used for sex, what they should be saying is that they had expecations after sex that did not get met and thus felt that the sex was cheapened because of the outcome (the value of the sex was directly related to the expectations that went along with the act of sex).
Some women are capable of having casual sex without expectations but the average woman can't put out casually without compromising her own standards and emotional well being. For the average woman she needs to know that she "means" something - that the act is consumating the feelings that both are sharing. Anything less than this will leave her with hurt feelings because her expecations are not being met and thus her trust has been violated (whether she created her own problems in saying yes or not). | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 10:53:27 AM | | this is a women thing .. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 1:35:23 PM | | I totally like what you said, if you had sex enjoyed it then you weren't being used, and so on | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 1:44:03 PM | | Used? If you said yes of your own free will then live with the consequences. Sex does not solidify any relationship. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 2:04:06 PM |
Being used is usually when one does something for a friend that they wouldn't normally like doing. For example, we say a friend just uses us if they ask us to do something for them that is not enjoyable. "She just flirted with me so I'd help her move." or "He just pretended to like me so I'd give him a ride to work every day." One person is getting something they like and the other person is not benefitting.
Your logic is impeccable. I think we have firmly established here that women do not like sex!!!!
Now if you could move on and explain that whole chicken/egg thing.... | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 2:21:33 PM | "I think we have firmly established here that women do not like sex!!!!"
HUH??? | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 2:23:46 PM | But if a man took a woman out to dinner
they went home and had sex
It was great
He never called again
What would you call that?
Uh, she wanted sex, he wanted sex, so I'd call it 'mutually consentual'.
But maybe he really wasn't interested in her as someone to pursue a relationship with?
Or from the woman's point of view, if she's upset about it: She had some expectation that having sex was going to endear him to sticking around and wanting a relationship, for him it was just sex. She's dissapointed because he didn't live up to her expectations. What hurt her was not *him* ("it was great" sounds pleasurable to me), it was *her* expectations.
Or...
She feels that "if he wasn't interested in having a relationship, he shouldn't have had sex with me, even though I wanted to, and he wanted to, and it was great." (Implication being, "because we're on a date, and date='on the way to a relationship', he should know what my expectations are" - usually without actually verbalizing them and making it clear).
He feels that "she wanted to have sex, so did I, we did, it was great... but I really don't see myself being in a relationship and all that goes with it, with her". | |
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| Ummm....
Posted: 8/15/2007 3:30:18 PM |
But if a man took a woman out to dinner
they went home and had sex
It was great
He never called again
What would you call that?
...two people who had sex but did not see each other again? | |
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| Ummm....
Posted: 8/15/2007 4:44:45 PM | | I think just be honest, If sex Is all you want let them know, then Its their call - plenty will go for It. But to make them think Its more and will continue onwards Is simply evil and wrong - some women do like to keep the number of men shagged down to actual relationships. BE HONEST GUYS. | |
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| Ummm....
Posted: 8/15/2007 5:06:52 PM | ^ I agree with honesty sunsetstorm. But the question is did she *communicate* her expectations? Or was it "assumed" on her part that sex=commitment?
I mean, from a guys point of view, if I go on a first date, and she's 'smitten' with me and hot and heavy to hop into bed with me... without any communication to the contrary, I'm probably going to assume she just wants sex... *not* that she's expecting it means "more". I mean, heck, we've spent what, maybe an hour or two together in person on a date, does an hour or two make a 'relationship' without any discussion of whether it is or not? Or does sex after meeting in person for an hour or two for the first time simply mean... mutual sexual enjoyment?
If you don't *verbally* express your expectations, so there is no doubt in the other persons mind what your true expectations are, is it *their* fault for not meeting your expectations?
Yes, if the expectations are verbally expressed, understood, and he still takes advantage of it with no intention of 'carrying through' later, then that is dishonest. But if you have neither expressed your own expectations, *or* asked him what his expectations are, and are running totally on "assumptions".... well, assumptions are not fact. | |
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| Ummm....
Posted: 8/15/2007 5:11:50 PM | But if a man took a woman out to dinner
they went home and had sex
It was great
He never called again
What would you call that?
A man with no clue. | |
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| Ummm....
Posted: 8/15/2007 6:28:32 PM | But if a man took a woman out to dinner
they went home and had sex
It was great
He never called again
What would you call that?
Two people who enjoyed sex....then moved on. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 6:42:26 PM | | I think almost everyone has been used for sex, or used someone for sex. It's not right, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I guess if I felt I was 'used for sex' it would mean he pretended to have feelings for me just to get me into bed. It doesn't matter if she enjoys the sex or not. If you are dishonest with her and say "Yes, I love you" just to get in her pants - then she is being used. | |
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| Ummm....
Posted: 8/15/2007 7:22:23 PM |
some women do like to keep the number of men shagged down to actual relationships. Lets' say you have 3 relationships a month, from 18-38. That makes 20 x 36 = 720 men. If you want to keep sex to actual relationships, then you are implying that you want to keep sex 'special' in some way. You cannot do that if a relationship doesn't mean anything, so you'd be talking about 'special' relationships. But the more relationships you have, the less special they become, just like anything else. So, you'd have to start limiting relationships to ones that would be likely to last more than a year or two. Also, if the relationship is to be enjoyable, you would have to cut out all of the abusive relationships. That means that you could not afford to many mistakes. That means you would have to let your head rule your heart, the complete opposite of going with your feelings. But that is a masculine thing, so you would have to get in touch with your masculine side. You couldn't be with a man because he makes you feel protected, or that he'd look after you, or that he's really good-looking, or that you could look up to him, because all of those sort of things make you too vulnerable to be taken advantage of. You could not go for a man because he provides anything for you, even sexual attraction. You could only go for a man because he and you get on.
So, if you wanted to not be used, you'd have to sort out your own problems, and avoid any men who could sort your problems out for you, because that would make you too easy to be taken advantage of.
That, IMHO, is real love, but not romantic love. That is like Emma and Mr Knightley, w/out making all of the mistakes in between. Certainly do-able, but it requires the realisation that making mistakes is a VERY BAD THING!
You would be taking the viewpoint that it is STUPID TO USE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS TO LEARN FROM, AND THAT YOU SHOULD LEARN ABOUT HOW TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS W/OUT SEX & ROMANCE.
Sadly, most women & men seem to think it is OK to make mistakes in relationships.
If you are going to be OK with making mistakes in relationships, then you're very likely to repeat them, and as the majority of mistakes you will make will probably lead to very short-term relationships, and most of them wouldn't last the night, you'll end up sleeping with a heck of a lot of men.
You'd be where you are now, but you'd be 20, instead of a lot older, and with a lot less fun. But you'd be a lot smarter now.
And a lot happier.
Just my $0.02 | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 7:31:03 PM | marol u made me lol real hard I'm still lol  ur perfect if I were a lesbian I'd fall for u for that | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 7:43:19 PM | I think men lie to women for sex more often than women lie to men.
But any single man foolish enough to fool around with married women can come to feel the same way. I know I did.
It was upsetting to me to start out saying I was not interested in that kind of a relationship, listening to the usual tales of marital woe, hearing what a wonderful man I was, changing my mind and later being dumped because "you are getting too serious about this, it is just for fun."
The title of the thread should be "Lied to for sex" or "Mislead for sex". I agree with the previous posters that if there are no lies or misrepresentations, we gave our consent and should accept responsibility for our own actions. If there were lies or misrepresentations, we have a right to be angry but also need to look at our own gullibility. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 10:36:02 PM | Sorry, can't read all the replies...
But I agree with the posters that say sex is more connected with emotions and suggestive of a prolonged relationship, unless there was a spoken understanding before that there was going to be no relationship.
If he didn't call her after sex it is truly using, because he used her body soley for his pleasure without any consideration for her feelings. Even if she did experience pleasure, she was doing so under the expectation that the man she was sharing the experience with would be there for her the next day and for a long while after.
Plus, if a man were to take a woman for dinner or a movie (that implies he is treating her, a gift...an unexpected one night stand is not a gift)...he isn't using her for dinner, or a movie unless she is paying for it all...and then I think she would probably whine about that too. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/15/2007 10:42:15 PM | | yes i have been used for sex twice so yes it does happens to guys as well. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/16/2007 3:37:32 AM | i agree with crazy curls... i also think there is a difference between being 'used' for sex and being mis 'used'...if a woman is looking for a casual encounter, then she is an active participant in the act and both parties are 'using' each other...there is a mutual agreement to be 'used' for sexual fullfillment...
if a woman, however is being deceived and the man is professing his love for her, then sleeps with her and once his 'urges' are met...disappears thats 'mis' using someone...and just wrong..
' he used me for dinner' or a 'movie' isnt often said because the hunt so to speak wasnt complete, and his prey so to speak escaped with a full stomach but untainted by his 'claws'...this is easier to deal with | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/16/2007 6:37:36 AM |
(Msg 202) OP it seems to me that feeling *used* for sex has nothing to do whether either person enjoyed the act or not (i assure you, women do enjoy sex too). feeling *used* has more to do with the guilt and implied emotional expectation we are socially conditioned to have when it comes to sex.
I agree social conditioning has a lot to do with it. If a guy leaves after sex and never contacts the woman again she feels he used her. If the guy hangs around for a few weeks and then leaves we hear the same thing. If the guy wants sex every time they meet and they only meet once a week many woman claim the guy is just using her for sex even though the reality is he's only getting sex once a week.
(Msg 222) ' he used me for dinner' or a 'movie' isnt often said because the hunt so to speak wasnt complete, and his prey so to speak escaped with a full stomach but untainted by his 'claws'...this is easier to deal with
"The hunt...wasn't complete" implies sex is the goal. That's where the problem lies. While sex is certainly important I think it's time people looked at it as one part of a relationship to be explored. The more people focus on sex being the only thing a man wants all his actions will be viewed in that distorted context.
For example, if we said men only want dinner partners we'd forever be reading posts about how relationships ended shortly after a dinner engagement. "He took me out for dinner and I never heard from him again." Or, "We went to my friend's home for dinner and he left me shortly thereafter."
The point being if one focuses on sex or dinner being the ultimate goal then they can rationalize those events playing a much more important part than they actually do. If sex is really the goal to the exclusion of other things then a man receiving sex will stay. It's only logical.
While sex may be easy to get it's not easy to get with someone one prefers. There are prostitutes and homeless people and drug/alcohol addicts willing to have sex but most people would not choose someone like that. If a woman is a "decent" person it doesn't make sense for a guy to not want to continue having sex with her unless there is something that is a deal breaker. So, when a guy leaves after sex and isn't interested in returning I believe it's not because he used her for sex. It's most likely because of another reason. It could be anything from a hygiene problem to some other completely unrelated reason.
For example, if the lady went to the washroom after sex and without washing her hands proceeded to the kitchen to make sandwiches for snacks the guy may very well not return. The first thing to cross her mind is he used her for sex. Or maybe she receives a phone call from her mother shortly after having had sex with her boyfriend and talks to her mom in an aggressive, demeaning manner. The guy hears that and concludes that's how she'll be talking to him in a few weeks/months. He's out of there!
 As far as she's concerned the guy just used her for sex.
In msg 199 I wrote,
It seems it's not unusual for a woman to be cautious about choosing her next partner claiming the "been used before" excuse. Is gives the impression she has been used frequently or often or at least a number of times, otherwise, it wouldn't make sense to consider it a major or constant concern when a relationship is developing.
Is that an accurate assessment or is the “I want to go slow. I don’t want to be used” line simply an excuse rather than saying she’s just not interested in the guy? Is it due to her having listened to rumors, public opinion and disgruntled persons or has she really experienced that?
Is it really the norm for men to use women for sex or is it some old wife’s tale or urban legend? Has men’s healthy, natural desire to make love to their partner been purposely misconstrued and perverted? Does a man’s wanting to touch and hold and unite with his partner constitute being a pig? Why is there such a general disdain for sex? What is causing this aversion to afflict healthy, mature adults? | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/16/2007 10:04:25 AM | | Simple solution is not to give out the sex until you know the relationship is going somewhere. That way you know they want you for YOU. | |
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| Used for sex?
Posted: 8/16/2007 10:11:18 AM | | Woman who feel they wer used for sex , wer infact using sex to get something else which they didnt receive | |
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