| no! No!! NO!!!
Posted: 12/5/2006 10:45:54 AM | Just because a bunch of people mindlessly repeat a mantra, that doesn't make them right. There is no way to describe the scenario set out in the original post as "cheating". What seems clear from the responses, that are not simply taking the position that this is a punishable thought crime, is that a whole lot of projecting of insecurities lead to the respondents' conclusion that this is "cheating" on the protagonist's SO. In the scenario described, there is no discussion of any meeting, no intention to extend the internet relationship beyond the moment, or any interest expressed beyond that consistent with the gradification of a harmless fantasy.
For the thought crime proponents, there is no meaningful response. I would merely point out to them -- and there seems to be a lot of them -- that the social implications of this mindset ought to disturb everyone. If sanctions existed on thoughts, most people would be in prison. When is the last time you "thought" of doing harm to someone? There was a thread on this board recently about revenge on an "ex" that included a number of criminally convictable "thoughts" being expressed (assuming the same reasoning as in this thread). Perhaps all those folks should be tracked down and arrested? Of course, not!
There is a world, a real world, of difference between thoughts and actions. Fantasy made real is cheating. Otherwise, it remains nothing more than a harmless thought.
For those that project their own insecurities onto this scenario, they should simply re-read the original scenario and stay within its boundaries. Not even the gender of the protagonist is actually expressed. To project from it to the building of an internet relationship, blossoming into physically meeting and actually having sexual contact is a bit of a stretch from the original post. That's my opinion.
If those projections were to transpire, then of course, the result would be cheating. What more than a few respondents seem to fail to grasp is that this is not a foregone conclusion based on the scenario laid down. The scenario is simply about the use of pornographic material for masterbatory fantasy fullfilment. If accessing pornography qualifies as cheating, I suspect there are not many men, and probably not that many more women, out there that have not cheated. And the mindset that accepts this proposition is pretty messed up, to say the least.
It parallels Dorkin's thinking but takes it down a notch in silliness. Maybe some of you take comfort in dorkin-ist propoganda but she's mercifully out of her misery now and the rest of the world will move on from the extremist, male-negative, militant lesbian mindset she propogated.
NB: I know the fetter Frau's name isn't quite right. No need to give the thoughtless any food, in my opinion. | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/5/2006 4:07:52 PM | Just like knowing someone in person Some are "Friends"...some you just know and some maybe you can date You gotta find-out whose who and be real careful......just like in person | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/5/2006 4:30:16 PM | i think its cheating my last long term relationship ended due to him having several internet girlfriends when i confronted him about it he denied it but found out after a while he had bought a plane ticket to go and see her in vietnam of course he lied through his teeth to me he had told me he was going to america needless to say no longer together i enjoy the internet but some people abuse it , i find it very hard to trust people now and i have a pretty good mind now for weighing up people now i always catch them out if they lie to me | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/12/2006 9:28:52 PM | | you're absolutely right on that one. I have lots of experience with that one. I lived with a cybercheater who cheated in real life. I have no idea but can only speculate how many girls he picked up online and then met for coffee etc. in person and then went to their home. I know b/c they told me after the fact. In fact, I just broke up with a guy with an online profile here on POF, if anyone wants to know, esp the girls on here, just ask me. He was really smooth, I didn't know anything. Even though 3 years ago the same exact thing happened only with lavalife: I took him back with a promise of anger management counselling, couples counselling, with an emphasis on why he cheated. He trolled the online ads and chatrooms and had no problem "hooking up" with girls online and in person. I broke up with him after I started getting strange explanations about 2 months ago as to why he was out late, overnight sometimes. It varied between guys poker nights to a friend with cancer and he was on the emergency call list and had to care for "her". Cheating and lying go hand in hand, if he's not straight with you (and I was an investigator no less, I should have been able to tell, but again, he was smooth!) then he's not quality material. My regret is that I spent most of my 30's with this guy engaged and stepmom to his son for 7 years. I made the decision to live alone (I have the two dogs now) and I am safer for it. Yes, there were physical violence problems as well, the police were called a few times, and I was not the only girl like this. I think the pressure of living a double life was too much and even though he begged me to stay in the relationship, I'd had enough of the lies and my low self esteem wasn't getting any better. In the end, I feel raped to put it bluntly. I'm going for my AIDS test along with all the other tests so I can have a bit of piece of mind because he put his needs before my health and safety. So everyone, be careful of guys who never take you to their place, even if they say they live with their mother/father; get to know their whole life and getting rid of the computer really isn't practical, but if they stay on an unreasonable amount of time and are trying to hide their activities on it, you will be able to tell. Trust your gut feeling, your women's intuition b/c it's usually right. I made a longterm investment in something that didn't pan out and I would hate for anyone else to be lied to and cheated on. I know I'll think of some other "shoulds" later, but another main one that I didn't do is: don't lend them money, even if they tell you they'll pay you back, I know this firsthand b/c I signed loans and loaned from my own accounts to the tune of almost $ 30,000 and I'm stuck with it now. If someone doesn't seem to be who they say they are; if it seems too good to be true, then it isn't. We all want the rose colored glasses and to enjoy life with someone who seems adventurous and attentive and caring, but when it's used to manipulate and push your buttons up and down, it's only going to end in heartache. I know because I still cry over my poor judgement and how I've ended up in this. But, I'm trying to make my stint on here a good thing, something positive out of discovering a negative, so I still have hope, but I'll have a serving of judgement on the side, no two ways about it. To Love and Honour, I still believe. | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 2:16:09 PM | | In a word? Yes. It's disrespectful, disloyal, dishonest. It's not the way a person behaves in a commited relationship. Sure, sexual needs are not always met (talk to any Mom on the planet and she'll tell you it's not always her first priority!), but to engage with another PERSON? That's beyond the boundaries of faithful. | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 2:49:14 PM | Internet "friends" who happen to be girls is ok if you agree as such If you've ecided to meet and start-up a "relationship",make sure you agree on the "friends" beink ok beforehand Use the site to find-out all you can and if you decide to meet,make sure you know why first The whole "friends","dating" and "sex" thing can be very confusing | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 3:03:21 PM | | It is not cheating when they are just friends and both know it, but when it becomes sexual or showing affection towards someone online when you should be showing it to your GF/BF, that is cheating.... That affection is a gift you give one person that you are with, not something to freely throw out there for all to have... Yeah, it is cheating big time... | |
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iris37
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Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 158 | |
| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 5:10:15 PM | First I would have to take into account a couple of things ...are these girls local and what are the chances of him meeting them. Aside from that if he is having a little fun and needs to release it not much difference to doing it to a Playboy magazine.....if it became a habit and our sex life suffered because of his on line games then I would serioulsy have to take a second look at the relationship.
If it becomes more about sharing secret emails and personal info about life and family that is something all together different, because at any time man/woman is sharing his/her emotional self on line or real he/she taking that away from the relationship at hand.... | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 5:24:40 PM | | i think its a little screwed up myself.what the hell is the other half thinking about when your with someone .kick there ass to you no where. | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 6:32:03 PM | | Yes, it is being emotionally supportive of someone else with intentions of something more happening so it is cheating. But, many do it because they are not getting emotional support at home, their relationship is already bad, etc. | |
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ukgal
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Joined: 8/25/2006
Msg: 162 | |
| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 7:11:11 PM | | Yes, personally i think it is cheating.....if they are sex-talking with other females while in a relationship with YOU...then they obviously dont respect you, or your relationship...plus they are obviously not satisfies with what you have together. | |
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*Illsa
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Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 163 | |
| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 7:28:06 PM | yes. If someone has a SO...then chatting with others on line is probably not the best or most ethical thing to do...unless you are here for the forums only, and even then making friends can turn into something else if you are already vulnerable to cheating...
...and not the least of which to consider, how about when a person in a committed relationship says he/she is single and engages someone in a relationship...this is unfair and devastating for the innocent person when they find out, especially if emotions and attachment are encouraged and intimacy developes between them...VERY hurful...
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/13/2006 7:33:54 PM | | I totally beleive it's cheating, my ex had a girl call him on his cell that he met online and turns out they were doing the online sex thing, shouldn't that be done with only the one you love.. | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/14/2006 9:16:23 PM | I guess the litmus test is: would you do it if your significant other was there watching; would you say those things if she/he could hear what you're saying.
My ex and I had a discussion from the time we were engaged, I sat down and said if any time I wasn't satisfying him to talk about it and vice versa. If he wanted to be friends with girls I was OK with that, in fact, maybe I could meet them too? I was new to Toronto and wanted to socialize.
Turns out his needs weren't satisfied OUT THERE, so he kept coming home and trying to have sex with me after having sex with them (I thought he was just out with the guys playing pool or dominoes or poker). He said I satisfied him emotionally and physically and sexually. But he obviously still had that need to go online all the time.
Maybe it's the thrill of the chase? In any case, I also asked him to please break off with me first if he even thought of cheating because it was kinder. Also, to tell me first so I wouldn't have to be the last to know.
He's devastated many people's love lives now as he lied, said he was single, they didn't know they were lied to about many things: he claimed he was a criminal lawyer, he was an international racing cyclist, he was rich, he was single, he didn't have any children (or owe over $ 6,000 in child support); he was living with his parents and that's why they couldn't come to his house to f*&#, etc.
So even though I tried to cover all the bases and stayed emotionally in touch I still didn't know or maybe I wanted that second chance to really work b/c we were so close now to getting married. I'll never know now because I'll never speak directly to him ever again.
I won't tell you what his real truth is, what he really does for a living, etc. b/c it's pointless now. Suffice it to say I was supporting him and he never knew the best girlfriend he ever had in me and his son now doesn't see his stepmom where there was a great relationship in truth. And now it's too late. | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/14/2006 9:58:50 PM | It's "flirting" if the intention is to get the meet you and pursue it you can be in in a "relationship" and have "friends" of the opposite gender but that's a separate thread sex on a computer...I don't think so ***hole | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/14/2006 10:02:02 PM | I just went through this with my ex boyfriend of 3 years. I found out when he left me, he had a personal ad on another site for 3 years and was secretly dating them when I thought he was going on trips to the VA hospital.
And yes, that is cheating. Cheating is ANYTIME, one person decides to have any relationship other than friendship with someone. And he was definately doing that! | |
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kame
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 168 | |
| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/14/2006 10:14:37 PM | | msg 151~you sound like an ***hole in your profile and posting ...of course its the same as cheating if your lusting and getting off on someone else rather it be on line or off its the same thing so there... | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/15/2006 4:44:24 AM | I think it is not a healthy signal to be in this type of relationship ...if the subject matter was church, cars, music...not so bad...some people regard sex as a casual endeavor...I, myself, only pledge sex to one person in a relationship, which I am currently not in right now, but to me sex is the ultimate special thing that you just don't talk about with everyone, so my answer is this is defintely a bad direction and I
would not justify any reason to tolerate this...if it was OK for both of you to talk about sex between other people and you had discussed this, you would be entering a different perspective on the realtionship...one which changesd the values of truth, monogamy, and communication....I suppose it's OK for some people ...but you can count me out of that one... | |
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Matt_
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Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 170 | |
| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/15/2006 8:01:01 AM | Great question.
Since I met my own someone special, I made the commitment to keep all further communication with women "civil" and will not hesitate to share the communication with her. She's trusting me to be honest, and I'm honoring that trust. | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/15/2006 8:34:41 AM | That's okay if you ^^^^^ are sharing the communications and your SO is aware of your profiles is in not upset by them or the profile. It was when my SO posted one on here, lied to online women about his status or availablity - when I caught him at antoher woman's house, from his secret POF profile he said he wanted to so research to see if womn in his area would accept him with all his flaws - just checking the waters - in case, ahem, I dumped him. Then when I found out what he was doing I dumped him, and he still continues to see her, and doesn't rule out the possibitlity of a sexual relaitionship at some point. He was planning to pull away from me anyway, so he was his fall-back girl and I might turn into Plan B if he finds himself interested in the future.
I consider that emotional cheating, which can be done online and certainly done in person - with the chances of more happening, being very high.
Redardless, if it hurts your SO, done on the sly, it is cheating. | |
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dannol
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Joined: 9/29/2006
Msg: 172 | |
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| Is It Cheating If Its Only Online????
Posted: 12/15/2006 9:54:52 AM | | If it's a secret and your partner doesn't know about it,it is cheating,but from what you've said it's obvious that you don't mind it and you know about it,so no,that's not cheating,he's letting you know about it and you evidently don't mind,so it's your fault if you don't like it for letting it continue. | |
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