| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 3:32:10 AM | | Wow i just read your profile. CHANGE IT IMMEDIATELY!!! Or atleast tone it down. And this next comment may seem vulgar to women but if you enjoy sex alot and you are missing having an orgasm, buy a vibrator. I am really not trying to be sick, which it is not. People have urges and if not attended to they can cause frustration. Just a simple suggestion. From a simple man. | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 28 | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 4:39:54 AM | There is nothing wrong with looking for another relationship. I am not a believer in analyzing the reasons a relationship failed. Most people already know. It is not a mystery. They probably just met the wrong person or they did something dumb.
You like being part of a couple and staying single is not to your benefit. Sure, you can learn to like being single just as we can all learn anything we wish but what is the point? Why should you accept being single when you like being part of a couple?
You have to keep meeting people. I find it's so weird people advising you to spend time alone. Where else would that advice be appropriate? If you were looking for a job and became depressed because you were not able to find one would people tell you to stay home and stop looking? Think of anything you want to aquire. Do you stop looking because you can't find what you are looking for? Of course not!
There is no shame in wanting to be part of a couple. It is natural. It is the way we are designed. During adolescence our bodies change precisely for that reason. We are built to be part of a couple and do what couples do, sex.
Meet people and be straight with them. If they try to use you or drag their feet when it comes to commitment just move on. You can alternate staying at each other's place and get to know each other real quick. Nobody has to jump into anything but neither do they have to drag out the dating if they're interested.
Now is the time to get out there while you have that drive to find a relationship. Either that or start accepting being single and you'll remain single. It's a clear choice. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 4:51:26 AM | I have been in a lot of relationships, most of them were good until my first abusive relationship (which ironically enough lasted 1.5 years) after that all I found were losers with the odd good one here and there. I studied a little psychology on my own since I could not afford to go to an actual therapist. I learned quickly that I need to avoid men at all costs (sexually only though, friends are alowed) A long term relationship is like a routine and human beings (even the spontaneous types) are creatures of habit. When for whatever reason the routine is disrupted you get confused, disorientated, etc..... Basically a break up F's with your head, you don't know how to cope. You find a need right away to restore your mental balnce so you begin to search for someone to take Mr.Wrong's place (literally) You don't realize your doing it but your actually looking for the exact same thing but in someone new because this will "put everything right" You will go through periods of a constant need for sex, and every guy will suddenly look down right HOT. Your in a rush right now to replace him because you feel like your making less sence by the minute. When you finally go through 50 guys to get to the next loser you will notice the same treatment. If you show self confidence and streangth in yourself you will notice a whole new pattern of guys that are suddenly in your life. You need to stay away from sex and dates with guys for now, focus on your own life. You are the most important person in the world, guys will come and go, heck even your family and friends, but you are with you 24 hours every day so don't you want you to treat you good first? You said he caused you financial greif? So why not pick up a few extra hours to keep you a little more occupied so your fingers never touch the telephone pad or start to take long walks and try to focus on the things in your life that you feel you would like to improve. Everybody has things about their own character/physical appearence that they don't like so there is always room for improvement. Give it about a year before even considering a new relationship, don't be in such a rush or you'll just end up back in the same boat in no time. I know what your going through, I've been there a few times and in fact I'm still working on me first but I have come so far and become so much stronger that now I feel I am ready. Counsilling is an awesome choice and if you ever feel embarassed about it, don't, Everyone has issues to deal with you should feel proud because at least YOU are doing something about it.
Sorry so long (I did have a lot more to say but I think I dragged on long enough) Chelle | |
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jimb77
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Joined: 8/30/2005
Msg: 31 | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 4:53:50 AM | All of the posters have given you excellent advice - men and women both, whether abused as a child or not, can fall into a relationship with a wolf in sheeps clothing. I'm no exception.
You are the farthest away from "needing" someone in your life you could ever be - no matter how it feels - you're an injured person right now that needs healing - take yourself off the market and forget "relationships" - except with loving supportive friends/family.
I went for therapy after a breakup with someone I cared for - the theapist was, what I thought to be brutal - she told me I was a doormat - he was a hawk and I was a dove - various other things I could'nt handle hearing at that time - but you know what - she was absolutely correct. I ditched her because therapy wasn't for me persoanlly - bought myself some self-help books and learned to have a love affair with myself.
The real question is not about the other person but WHY have you allowed that type of person in your space?
Love, honor and cherish yourself - pick your self-esteem up, gather your self-respect - all these things MUST be done in an uncoupled state - forget men til you find your own strengths. Be prepared - whatever path you choose - it's difficult, there will be sad and lonely times you want to revert back to an unhealthy relationship, DON'T do it.
You'll know one morning when you wake up and feel strong - you're ready again. Your love is a gift - don't give it to just anyone. As you know already there are many sharks in the sea waiting. You will learn through self-respect and self-love to spot them rapidly and not allow yourself to be consumed by the many waiting in line for their next easy meal.
Chin up - forget the email, dates, sex and relationships - you'll learn more thru these forums reading about other's shitty experiences than you can imagine. There is also a ton of great, happy and upbeat threads on here too you'll be able to relate to that will show you there are wonderful people in the world.
You'll be fine - take the advice given and all will be well for you - consider these posters part of your healing and supportive friends.....  | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 4:57:22 AM | One last thing you SHOULD absolutly do, Send yourself an email every day through POF saying whatever you want but never negative always something like.
God your a beuatiful woman and you sound like you would be a very fun loving person to be around, feel free to message me back when you get a chance
message your self back answering the infamous question Tell me about yourself but then only say positive things, good memories about your childhood, your dreams and aspirations, but never lie to yourself. Then you will not only be getting mail every day but you will also be helping to rebuild your self esteem.
Chelle | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 5:13:56 AM | | You just move on ..... then try a church type of man that is one that goes to baptist or a jewish synaquage these type of guys treat woman with respect ect, the religious man not Muselums because the muselums think the man rules the woman mentality ect, but I would say : Bible Study on Wednesdays ect example for the baptist- but the Jews Sabbath day service is on Saturdays. --- A lot of woman not into the church type of guy ! saying the stereotype they boring ect but this is false --- I would not seek a "Good Man" if I was a woman, just looking at his salary ect. because alot of woman beaters make good money - do not look at the salary look and see if he has a stable job bringing in something not how much. Because all of it is nothing but "WORK" . Nothing great about work. I and my friend know a few feamales that was looking for a good man.....as they like to say.....but as soon as I say the church is the KEY! to find a good man that treat his family and wife correctly or date ect, they all get offended! CHURCH like that is something wrong with it. But I say go the church route. Then me and my male friends notice that many ladies after saying they want a good man tired of men lying and cheating ect, I found out many females looking for someone with "THE SAME THINGS IN COMMOM" and not all these things the females want is good for them for example : There was a woman I and my male friends knew- she always complained seeking the right man that will do right , then I would say the church is the key! ect. and then the woman would reply: But- and there is always a but..... I want to have a man that share many things I like in common.... then after while seeing this female she was into smoking weed ect. so that is what she wants in common ect. See the link? a partner that share the same dangerous interest. I then thought this woman not wise : With the mental perception- Does she not realize , that if the police find out she buy the weed to smoke they will confiscate her house her car and her babies. Lock the boyfriend up also. But she does not want a church man.....this is the typical example of todays females. They want a good man to raise there kids and family, looking at the wrong things ignoring the best. A nother example: not only drugs but some females want a man to love to travel because that what she does- ect. its VANITY instead of intelligence, travelling can be worked on later . ... Then 3rd is the "I want a man to make more money than me", should realize- marriage is about" sharing and team work meaning combine as one to get things done". A church man may not make alot of money and many homeless. But the intelligence level is super high! it is a typical stereotype that the media portrays saying homeless people uneducated this is false indeed! MOST ALL THEY DO IS READ BOOKS like the library ect. But alot of church men , turned down because of the financial thing. Where there is SHARING there is peace. Check out the church type of man if you want the best and if you want PEACE, unless you into being the DRAMA QUEEN you have no peace. (That my perception) | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 6:07:50 AM | First off...the guy was an a** for using you...but unfortunately...some people don't know how to do anything else...alot of people..men and women...are out there for their own gain...and don't really care if they hurt anyone else or not.
But the whole profile thing...you putting out there that you are only looking for sex is going to bring you exactly that...just sex..not love. If you want a relationship and love and all that goes with it than you have to be honest and say that's what you want. The right man will come along eventually...trust me..I think every woman agrees that you have to kiss alot of frogs to get your prince. Don't be afraid of taking your time to find something worthwhile. You don't have to go back to an X that treats you like crap just because you are lonely. All that will get you is a lower self esteem and more heartache. Here are a couple of tips to get over the X and move on...Take up a hobby to fill your time...delete him from the cell...lol..that always works...go out with some friends...keep telling yourself that you are so much better off without him. Bottom line..you deserve to be happy and he didn't make you happy... | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 7:04:45 AM | /quote Do yourself a favour and get some help.
Thia is not always true.I feel the same way alot of the time trust me.Help doesnt always work.When you love someone you cant help it and for that matter you want to give them chances to make up where they messed up.Even though that doesnt normally work out either.But then agian she doesnt want to be alone and I know where she is coming from on that one.So my advice is to just follow your heart.Tell him how you feel and give him that chance to change.Who knows it may work out in the end. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 8:21:45 AM | I have had one great relationship in my life.
I was inlove with my best friend/boyfriend for 4 years. We were both attending school then he left to attend school in another state. There was never a broken link in the communication between us so I dont know what happened.
One summer I went to visit him just for him to tell me that he met someone and within a couple of months got mrried.
I was broken up about it. I cried everytime I thought about him or heard a name similar to his.
I then realized that I was not the one at a lost he was. I finished university and now have a good job and working on my own personal development.
He saw me one day and asked if I think I would be where I am ow if we were together. I did not answer but now I know I thank him very much because now he knows what he is missing.
How do we get over someone that we loved and they treated us badly? we first learn that that are one who lost something good, afterwhich we learn to love ourselves more than others and look for signs as small as they are and finally we work on the growth aspect of our lives. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 10:47:25 AM | You like being part of a couple and staying single is not to your benefit. Sure, you can learn to like being single just as we can all learn anything we wish but what is the point? Why should you accept being single when you like being part of a couple?
Dave1234
Would you get involved with someone who is so lost she doesn't know which end is up? Or isn't over a bad relationship yet?
Girl - listen to the women here, we have all been through it. You don't need a man right now - you need yourself to get strong and healthy (in your heart, mind and soul). I know it seems like a long road ahead - but once you get there - you will feel so much better, and will be amazed eventually how wonderful you are. You have to heal - you don't need to jump into another relationship right now with the way you are feeling - because disaster begets disaster - and you will have a whole new set of problems on your hands. And it wouldn't be fair to the person you would get invovled with right now - if it turns out to be a nice guy But what I have experienced, and probly most women on here who have been through this, if they seek out another while they are still in pain, and have low self esteem - the emotional vampires I call them are the ones that find you. They are the ones that seek those with low esteem - so they can bully them around - to try and boost themselves...
Thats good you changed your profile. Little steps. Then go to a councillor. I found out writing out my feelings helped me a lot with my healing process as well.
They maybe wounds that you cannot see, but they are still wounds. And eventually with the right 'treatment' they will heal. But its up to you, and I think by reaching out here, chaning your profile you are taking those first steps. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 11:26:50 AM | Thia is not always true.I feel the same way alot of the time trust me.Help doesnt always work.When you love someone you cant help it and for that matter you want to give them chances to make up where they messed up.Even though that doesnt normally work out either.But then agian she doesnt want to be alone and I know where she is coming from on that one.So my advice is to just follow your heart.Tell him how you feel and give him that chance to change.Who knows it may work out in the end.
That's not love, that's co-dependency. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 11:36:13 AM | I don't think getting over someone is the problem here either, but for a different reason than I've seen posted. Often times in the relationship there were really GOOD times, too (that trip to England, the cuddles, the good sex) followed by the bad (cheating, lies). When we finally say enough is enough and I'm not taking that anymore and leave.......well, often times there isn't some new wonderful guy right around the corner.....especially when you get to be over 55.
I think that when you're bemoaning the loss of this guy who did bad things to you, it isn't actually THAT GUY you're missing......you're missing the good times you had together. In fact, if you ask most women if they would take back that jerk, they say NO....uh, well. What has worked for me is to remember that I am searching for those particular FEELINGS again, and to find them out there with an honorable man. This allows me to not dwell on old memories on cold rainy nights. It's the warm fuzzy feelings I'm looking for out there and will find again some day.
In the meantime, I try all sorts of new activities that I wouldn't have if I weren't solo i.e., horseback riding, kickboxing, rollerskating (my alter ego is a roller derby queen :)). I find all kinds of new facets to my personality, including being outspoken for once. Seems to be working!
Good luck! Reinvent yourself while you're solo, OP. Do a makeover inside and out. Live it up! Better times are comin'! | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 4:53:32 PM |
(Msg 40) Would you get involved with someone who is so lost she doesn't know which end is up? Or isn't over a bad relationship yet?
What do you mean she doesn't know which end is up? She was in a bad relationship. Many people have bad relationships. For whatever reason they try to make them work until they pass a point where they leave. There is no need to remain single and analyze it to death unless every relationship ends for the same reason, in which case, there is definately a problem.
When I left a bad relationship or a relationship ended I knew what went wrong. I lived it. How could I not know?
When a relationship ends we miss not only the person but everyday things that are associated with a relationship. If a person leaves us they have taken away things associated with a relationship. Or, if we leave a relationship we give up some good things associated with a relationship. We not only suffer the loss of the individual. We suffer the loss of a relationship. The first may have been unavoidable. The second can be corrected.
Perhaps an analogy. If my car is stolen (the person leaves me) I will not insist on walking for the next six months. I will buy another car. If I buy a car and it's a piece of junk (end up with someone not suitable and I decide to end the relationship) I will get rid of that car and buy another. I will not punish myself by thinking I bought a lemon so I deserve to be without a car.
Some people enjoy being in a relationship the same way some people enjoy owning their own home. Who finds and buys the perfect home? Not me, that's for sure. Most people find something suitable and enjoy home ownership. One bedroom may not be big enough. They need a washroom in the basement. Whatever isn't right isn't as important as owning a home. They get more pleasure from owning the less than perfect home than not owning a home at all. Similarly, some people get more pleasure being in a less than perfect relationship than not being in one at all. For those folks the little things that would bother someone else does not bother them. Some people call it settling. To others, it's just not all that important.
The OP likes being in a relationship. She has to actively go after that if that is what she wants. The last guy she was with caused her misery. He still is because she is still without a relationship and a relationship is important to her. He not only stole her money. He stole her relationship.
She sounds hurt, not lost. As soon as she gets into another relationship those bad memories will fade quickly.
I always recall the joke from the Golden Girls TV show. Blanche said, "The best way to get over a guy is to get under another one." As crude as that may sound there is a nugget of truth there. You can not be pining away for a lover when you're falling in love with another. (Hmmm, I'm getting poetic. Gad, I hope I don't break out into song. )
I know I'm in the minority but I do not believe in punishing oneself over a failed relationship. Sure, the OP can work on herself and do all sorts of single things but no one is going to come knocking at her door. She wants a relationship and sounds like she is realistic concerning what a relationship should be. She is not looking for perfection. She is looking for a partner and I believe if she keeps dating one will come along.
It appears she has a lot to give and she has to let people know that by dating. Withdrawing and accepting living without being in a relationship is settling. She will never be truly happy. She will just grow more into herself and that's not good for those who value relationships. It is easy to become set in one's ways and it makes it more difficult to form relationships because of that. The longer we are alone the more difficult it is to accomodate others/share with others.
The irony is one wants a relationship but they become more and more set in what they want that the list of prospective partners dwindles. They become accustomed to doing things a certain way and changing is difficult so they go year after year looking for a relationship. Every year they become more solitary so while they desire a relationship it becomes more difficult to find someone who fits their "style". The not wanting to change and accomodate someone else gets stronger than the want for a relationship. Simply put they want a relationship but changing becomes too difficult.
(I think I just ran out of ink.) | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 5:10:15 PM | As soon as she gets into another relationship those bad memories will fade quickly.
Oh and by the way she is not a thing - she is not a car...again - jumping into a relationship is not a quick fix - but causes for another possible disaster. You cannot fully share yourself with someone unless you love yourself first - again its not fair to you or the person you end up with. Again - emotional vampires are attracted to the 'weak' in us. but being a man - obviously you have different views.
Girl - you can read all of of the advice from the women here, who can sympathize with you - because we been through it many times and talk from experience - or you can listen to someone who obviously is oblivious to what the human soul needs from its owner first.
Its up too you. You have to take the steps needed. But again, most of us are saying, take care of yourself first - thats the most important. Heal - don't jump into something stupid because a man on here is encouraging you too. Again, its not fair to you or the guy you end up with. I used to be the type who thought I couldn't exist if I wasn't in a relationship. I thought I was never whole because of it. But I grew, spiritually, mentally, and yes even physically. And I came to a point - ya things could get lonely - but I am not going to jump into the first relationship with a man that offers it - I am (and you are) too good for that. When you are happy with you - the man that is supposed to be with you will turn up! Mine might have - but again with time we shall see....If this person isn't it for me - then life goes on - my life goes on. I have my projects, my family and my friends - and especially my dreams - and some guy is not in control of my destiny - I AM - as YOU ARE OF YOURS.
And never ever go back to those that treat you like garbage - this whole 'well maybe I can change him' attitude - is so unhealthy and so wrong. If they respected your opinions, etc enough to cause a change - they wouldn't be cheating on you or treating you like garbage in the first place. So don't pine over them and think that maybe one day if you two hook up again things will change - 99% of the time they don't.
Take care hon | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 6:21:35 PM |
(Msg 44) Oh and by the way she is not a thing - she is not a car...again - jumping into a relationship is not a quick fix - but causes for another possible disaster. You cannot fully share yourself with someone unless you love yourself first - again its not fair to you or the person you end up with. Again - emotional vampires are attracted to the 'weak' in us. but being a man - obviously you have different views.
I was not comparing her to a car. I was comparing a relationship to a car in the sense it is something someone wants. Because someone ends up with a bad relationship does not mean they should avoid relationships. It was a bad relationship. That's it.
Where do you get the idea she doesn't love herself? She wants a relationship. She gives in order to get a relationship. So she gave to the wrong man. That has nothing to do with her not loving herself. She was taken advantage of. If someone takes advantage of you.... lover, friend, sales person, stranger, brother, sister.....whoever, do you feel you do not love yourself?
Having been taken advantage of does not mean someone is weak. Have you not seen programs where men date women and steal all their money? Professional gigolos. Some guys are just not professional enough but they are gigolos, nonetheless.
As for associating one giving of themselves as being weak, yes, I certainly do have a different view. It's easy to be hard. Anyone can shut people out. Anyone can be tough and they'll get the same in a relationship.
She found the wrong man. There is nothing wrong with her. She gave and someone took advantage of her. She does not have to change. Some man will appreciate her ability to give freely and she will be rewarded far more than someone who weights a romantic relationship like a business partnership. Oh, they may not be taken advantage of but they'll meet someone like themselves who'll treat it like a business arrangement and when it stops paying dividends they'll bid them adieu. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 7:13:25 PM | Sorry Dr. Phil lol
But from actually reading what she is posting - she sounds wounded -and I am sorry - but when you are wounded, you loose self respect - and with her wanting to instantly get satisfaction of having just sex - thats a big red flag there was a problem...
But again - I am just female and been through it - what do I know?
I guess men know more on the subject...
And I never said there was anything wrong with her - she is a beautiful woman - that sounds exactly like a lot of us did after being betrayed. Unlike a lot of men - who can hop in and out of bed with the frequency of a cheap radio - using women over and over again to get over their problems - women think more with their hearts.
I would like to hear from the original poster - are you feeling low, and lost? Did you not want to jump into the sac with someone else just to get over the feelings of disrespect from the jerk that hurt you? | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 7:22:13 PM | | love is only real if goes both ways. my girl survived a 2 yr. old maturity level, pathogical lying, serial cheating evil abusive monster. she took her power back, kept dating and we found real love. unlike the sick puppy who's not ready to run in the yard with the big dogs and needs to sit on the porch under his mama's skirt for protection, i'm a man who keeps my word, doesn't **** everything in sight, lie cheat & steal, while claiming to be 9 yrs. in recovery. truth is, he's only about 4 years outta kingston pysh. hospital and will go to jail for the harrassment, slander and physical abuse that he's caused. see ya on the circuit ****wit. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/18/2006 7:30:13 PM | ~ Don't look back ~ I too have been in 2 marriages ~ Yikes, I thought my first was abusive ~ he was tame compared to my second ~ and I was with him for 8 years, I actually left him on the day of our 7th aniversary ~ you were strong enough to either walk away or end it somehow ~ that shows courage ~ stay strong ~ learn to love yourself first ~ you deserve to be treated by someone that treats you like gold ~ okay, so I have not found someone either and I still miss all the good points of my 2nd ex ~ but with any type of abuse, I think there should be a healing within for you ~ that way you know what you want and don't want ~ Be Good to Yourself ~ Always  | |
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You go back to him after he treated you badly and you will be his doormat. Forget about him.
