| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/19/2006 5:36:06 PM | Ya post a profile to make friends. Seek females as well. Im new here and somtimes it gets worse that getting over someone that treats you bad. Some peoples lives are controlled by bad people and good people are afraid of these people. So if you ever wanna have any friends get away from the bad. I agree with Medic Md I do the same. Go to a second hand book store. Im making commitments to myself. Like workin on my weight, skin, I even busted my a** in a sawmill for three years to get myself some braces. Im still payin for them. Maybe make a attempt to help some other women in your situation get outa it. I think you would find it very rewarding to spen your money on another such as yourselfs needs. I could tell you some stories but im cramped from mousin around tryin to get to the end of this in order to place my post. Ill go back and read what I havent though. This is a great forum. If you ever wanna chat or e-mail, e-mail me ill be your friend. Anyone else here is welcome as well. This is a great subject. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/19/2006 6:47:43 PM | beautifulwoman4friends
I like your new tag name and that you are going to concentrate on you - you go girl!
Sounds like you are well on your way to leave that misery behind. And going to a therapist really helps.
Some of us may have sounded harsh - but as you can see a lot of us went through the same things - and I bet the others, like myself - hate to see anyone go through that depression. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 2:53:09 AM | The problem is not getting over the guy. The problem is she lost a relationship. Are you not capable of seeing the difference? She does not want that guy back. She wants a relationship back. She is not pining for that one specific guy and as soon as she finds someone, whether permanent or temporary, those feelings will go.
I agree that her problem is NOT getting over her ex, rather she doesn't want to be alone and misses the relationship ...
BUT
When you are that dependent on a relationship that you would rather go back to someone who mistreated you than be alone for awhile, then the very LAST thing that the person should do is get into a relationship. It is not a cure. She would first have to learn to live with herself, BY HERSELF, and fix those issues that are making her dependent on a relationship, before involving anyone else. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 3:29:53 AM |
(Msg 78) When you are that dependent on a relationship that you would rather go back to someone who mistreated you than be alone for awhile, then the very LAST thing that the person should do is get into a relationship. It is not a cure. She would first have to learn to live with herself, BY HERSELF, and fix those issues that are making her dependent on a relationship, before involving anyone else.
I always immediately looked for a relationship when one ended. When my 13 year marriage ended I was on a dating service two weeks after we split up. A couple of years later my Ex phoned to say she was getting remarried. I congratulated her and she said, "You never even tried to get me back."
Of course I never tired. Why would I want someone who doesn't want me? She can take herself away from me but she can not take a relationship away from me. I thrive in a relationship.
Once in another relationship I had very little time to think about my Ex. Sitting alone at home does no one any good. It is not just missing one specific person. It is missing all the things couples do together and there is nothing wrong wanting to be part of a couple. It is natural. It doesn't mean someone can not live alone. It just means the person prefers a partner.
I have been in a relationship for a long time now. It does not mean I put up with crap. If my partner goes weird on me I'll find someone else. It is not necessary to take time alone and figure out what went wrong. We lived it. How can we not know?
The OP said she took time between relationships. Anyway, it's obvious by her posts she has a number of problems. One is determining her own sexuality. She has had relationships with men and women. That, alone, must be confusing. 
I agree a relationship isn't going to cure all problems. It cures the "being alone" problem. As the OP said she had issues with her Dad. The point I was making is if someone ends a relationship it is not necessary to be alone. They were there. The know what happened. One does not have to sit home alone and think it over and over. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 4:03:56 AM | I'm rooting for you girl!, I have to say I totally agree with queenrhiannon on this one too. I know I am one who feels that it isn't fair to see another going through what I have been through and I agree that aside from Dave1234 most of us are looking out for your best interests. Way to go on the counsilling too it will really help, especially with the whole father thing. I have problems with my father too (thus the terrible pattern of losers) But I have almost fixed all the damage he has done to my life (almost) I'm going back to school to be a medical researcher and attempting theatre to get past my fears. There's no such thing as a quick fix and I'm sure everyone except Dave1234 will tell you that. All this work to correct the problems caused by my father has been taking me a long exhausting 10 years (no Dave I haven't been alone that long)
If we can do it you can do it, Keep your chin up and feel proud you are a strong woman. Usually it takes much more pain and abuse before a lot of women start doing what your doing now.
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 4:50:31 AM |
(Msg 80) There's no such thing as a quick fix and I'm sure everyone except Dave1234 will tell you that. All this work to correct the problems caused by my father has been taking me a long exhausting 10 years (no Dave I haven't been alone that long)
I enjoy being part of a couple and when a relationship ends I search for another one. I do not have issues with my father or mother. I have had my share of losers and I simply move on. How does one really know if the person they meet has unresolved issues from their childhood? Some things take time for others to see.
The point is the average, "normal" individual does not have to sit at home alone and figure out what went wrong in a relationship before starting another. If someone had known issues with their father and/or are bi-sexual then, yes, they probably do need to take time and fix things. Most "normal" people do not have those problems. My advice is geared towards the average person. Most of us know if we're "normal" or whether we are the exception. We all know if we have issues. We all know if we went through some trauma.
If a person can not hold a relationship together and they know they have issues then, of course, deal with the issues. Is there something that happened in a person's life that they constantly think about? If yes, then that is an unresolved issue. This is not a great mystery.
For the average individual there is little to be gained by depriving themselves of a relationship. In some cases there may be sub-conscious issues but most of us are aware if something is bothering us. We may not know the specific problem/solution without counselling but we know if we have a problem. Sometimes we just have a run of bad luck meeting decent people. It doesn't mean we have a problem and should stop dating. That was my point all along. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 5:12:19 AM | The only time I needed "recovery" time was when I seperated from my husbands because I was in denial and thought it would last forever.
Now, though I may still get hurt I am not afraid of that. Life goes on and there are many opportunities to find someone that will be good to you. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 7:47:43 AM | If you had a daughter/sister/close friend and she was going through this would you encourage her to go back to them? Of course not. You would tell them that no one deserves to be mistreated and that being alone and searching for someone is not something to be shameful of. Wanting a relationship where your partner respects you is a must. I would rather be alone than be in an unhappy relationship.
Please remember empty sex is just that empty sex it will not make you feel loved and will probably only lead you to feeling more lonely. You have to have a certain psyche to deal with that kind of relationship. It's not a bad thing it just doesn't seem to be what you really want.
Also don't start dating someone when you are still working out feelings for an ex. One reason is because you are more vulnerable to fall for the same sort of guy again because you are lonely. Second reason is it's simply not fair to those people out there who are emotionally ready to be in one who you get involved with.
Work on making you feel better about yourself. Remember all the wonderful stuff about you that you love and anyone would be fortunate enough to get to know. Best of luck. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 3:56:32 PM |
The OP said she took time between relationships. Anyway, it's obvious by her posts she has a number of problems. One is determining her own sexuality
 I don't have a problem determining my sexuality. I was with a woman for a year but that was a year of pure hell. She was never there for me emotionally and never wanted to hear my "problems" and she never touched me sexually. So basically she just took up space. It was after that I told her to get out that I realized that I do not want to date women.(no offence to the lesbans out there now) So I am seeking men, when I start looking that is. My plan is to stay in counceling for at least a year, that way I can know myself and clear up some things about my past and learn how to change my patterns. | |
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AI03™
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Joined: 5/3/2005
Msg: 86 | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/20/2006 7:37:27 PM | You are allowing yourself, and your feelings, to be dependent on the affirmation of another human being. Or multiple human beings, for that matter. I know that you dont realize this and that what you feel is pain. But what you are doing, in seeking that, is very unhealthy.
I have been there and done that. Here is the thing. Maybe this guy was messed up in the head. Maybe there are ALOT of guys who are messed up in the head. But you are messed up too. That isnt me bashing you sweetie. That is coming from someone who was letting EVERYONE get into his life and letting them tell me what to do etc. And when its happening, you dont even know its happening.
As soon as you stop that, you will find that you feel 100% better about yourself. You will feel in control of yourself. You have let people tell you, for too long, what and who you are. That is unhealthy. You have to get healthy first. Because then you will find that you dont care. You wont be worried about if you find another man or not.
Hell, I am on this site, talking to alot of people, but, aside from bringing up my kids and going forward with my plans in life, I just dont give a sh!t about that stuff any more. I would love to think there is someone special out there that I can establish something meaningful with, but if I dont, I am still going forward with my own plans either way so, thats the way it goes.
When you get there, EVERYTHING will get better. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/27/2006 7:24:35 AM | Dear BW4Friends,
Do not walk in to a relationship that you know is wrong. Give your self time, and then ask what it is you are truely looking for. If all you want is sex, which I doubt, there are pleanty of toys out there to satisfy any woman. But maybe you might try wideing your options. In other words don't look for any thing specific, and keep an open mind and heart. Sometimes are one and only is nothing like we had pictured.
I find it very sad that people are over looked based on looks alone, for this is what leads to unhappy and unfullfilled lives. Before you know it your life is over and you are alone, because you wanted the perfect picture. There is no such thing. We are all flawed, either in looks or mind.
I do think that one should put there best features forward when searching for their life mate, and I don't mean Glamor Shots, or posting a 10 year old photo when you were in your prime. But the best of you now.
Everyone deserves happiness, don't purposely throw yours away, because your lonely. Get a hobby. We all get lonely, thats why we are here.
Lovingheart | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/27/2006 7:36:15 AM | I disagree with you on that. In some cases its that you don't know your self until someone breaks up with you. When you sit back and look at the whole picture from begining until the now and you look at how you handled it all and begin to realize the thing you never saw coming, you really did, you just chose to ignore them.
We are learning creatures, with feelings. Some times it just takes a couple of experiences to make us realize what it is we are ignoring. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/27/2006 8:00:53 AM | This is all about self esteem and the messages you allow in your head. It's so easy to get obsessed and lose yourself in mental anguish when you feel left behind. Fact is:
The guy did you a favor. Thank the Gods now.
Do NOT get involved again right now, you only attract what you have to offer to someone else. If you want quality and peace, find that in yourself first, exploit it for all it's worth. When you find yourself standing strong, you will radiate that confidence and very beautiful people will start entering your life again.
This is just a time in your life where you need to heal up, find yourself, all the things you are good at and excel in.
Try a little experiment here.
Carry a notebook with you, small pencil. Everytime a negative based thought enters your head, just place a hash mark down, like this: --------> /
For every negative thought, replace it with two postive self affirmations.
I promise you'll be exhausted ten minutes after you get out of bed.
You really do need some professional counseling - it can't hurt anything. From the outline and sketch you've given of the relationship and your inability to see how dangerous and horrible this is, you need to explore what setting healthy boundries are and what a normal life is.
This is your only life, give yourself the respect you deserve. Right now is not the time to get involved. Give yourself a chance to grow and reach for better things. Lonliness is not going to kill you; but keep you safe right now. Good luck, it is a rough road from where you are now. | |
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| How do you get over someone that you loved and they treated you badly?
Posted: 1/27/2006 8:30:21 AM | I'm not being sarcastic when I say, even as a guy, I am moved by so much of what is on this thread.
So much good advice, and empathy, because most of us if not all have been there in a similar place.
Definitely, counselling if you can arrange it. Battered women counselling for free, if nothing else, even if you have only been psychologically battered, maybe the worst kind.
I had to leave town from the last woman I was in love without, she was beautiful and I was not in her league, and she really did a number on me. The obsession is still partly with me, after over a year, but it is getting better.
If you can love being alone with yourself for awhile with a circle of supportive friends, like here, for instance, you are way ahead. But some have a downright fear of being alone, and would rather have a jerk abuse them rather than be "alone."
The right self help books, like some have said, are good, but I think this thread contains about all the advice you need. Now you need that positivity and support. It's so easy to get on a downhill slide of negatives in your mind, your conversation with yourself called "thoughts."
Work on yourself! You have to get out of a potential dangerous cycle. You will find the One For You as a matter of course and an act of God. But first you have some serious healing and starting back up the ladder of self esteem to do.
Just like me. Just like so many of us, male and female. We have to take our own advice. I hope you do too. | |
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