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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/5/2007 3:25:21 PM | must be hard after the way you have been treated by him, personally i don't believe i could be friends with anyone who did that to me, unless i was glad they left me cause i wanted to get rid of them and it saved me the aggro of doing it and feeling guilty but its upto you
be friends and get over it (but that leads it open for him to use you if you still have the same feelings for him) or eject him out of your life forever for the betrayal he had done to you.... | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/5/2007 3:30:59 PM |
I was with a guy for 7 years and out of no where he wanted to start dating other people. Let me just say it wasn't an easy thing to accept. He still wanted me but also to date. I was to stupid to let go, cause I thought he'd want me back. This went on for over a year and a half. Then he met someone and decided he didn't need me for anything sexual. But he still wanted to be friends. Told me I was the most important person in his life......blah blah blah
He's been dating the same girl for over 1.5 years and still contacts me. Still wants to be my friend and be in my life. I've tried to tell him I can't be friends with him. I still love him and its too hard, knowing he is with her. I just don't understand. He still bought me a big xmas gift this year. Always tells me he misses me. Its messed up. It sure makes it hard to get over it when he never gives me time to heal.
Yeah i know exactly what your going through, it just twists the already inserted knife completly around doesnt it. Making it impossible to heal, an unrecoverable wound. How many days can someone go, without sleep, without food... i thought i reached the limit...but im still here, stil alive to get that syspence in my chest, and that tachacadia episode whenever i check my mail and see "recieving 1 of 3". Thinking, that one of those could be from her....
eagerly wanting to turn my head away from the screen and pray there was someone else inthe room to delete the message for me, so that i dont even get a glimpse of the subject line. It appears that even though 2 years has past, the wound is stil leaking a trivial amount of my life blood, no matter what emotional gauss i put over it.
she had a tendency to come into the picture somehow every 4 months, and kill me all over again with her wanting to be "friends" ....i will never let her clear her consious for what she did to me. I will never be as generous enough to let her live a second of her life with the contentness of our situation. | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:26:23 AM | You can love him it's ok to do that but you need to not be "in love" with him. And if it's so hard for you to get over this why do you keep accepting his phone calls and gifts? He's obviously not coming back and he's leaving you as his "backup" in case it doesn't work out with this chick...
Block him, dump him, don't take his calls and send the gifts back UNOPENED, better yet send him a photo of you and some hot guy buff guy and say ... "My boyfriend doesn't think it's wise for you to contact me anymore!" | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:37:42 AM | | giving each other the respected space both are required to heal within themselves ...maybe just maybe a friendship later on ....til then ...its not possible now ..theres to much resentment towards one another. everyone wants to be friends afterwards...i personally dont get that...i will say hi to the exes..as we are on good terms...but that took years later to happen...but i wont go out of my way to call him...talk to him..or see him...hes a past chapter in my books and that chapters closed now. i will ferget whats hes said an done but i will never ...never ferget how hes hurt me. things change like the relationship and people change like their feelings for one another when one is being decieved..just not the same before the decieving part happened....trust ..honesty...an respect has been taken away. dont waste your time on someone who doesnt give a crap bout you...cause if they did..you'd still be with them...their an ex for a reason. why be with someone who doesnt want you round? | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:46:28 AM | | EEEWwwww!!! I hate him. He's so playing with your emotions girl. Bin there. For real. You have to cut him off completly but its up to you as he'll hang on to any thread as along as he can until "she " gets wind of this then you're just dropped like a hot potatoe. Don't make anyone a priorty when you're just an option. Other fish in the sea. That game hurts to much and it makes your brain hurt. | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:47:10 AM | Actually, he knows he has control over you and a huge portion of your life. If you move on without him, then he loses that. Its a very selfish game he plays, by saying that he still cares for you. If he cared for you, he'd realize you havent gotten over the feelings yet and would let you heal. It's very flattering to know someone still has a huge thing for you, so you feed his ego by answering his calls.
Let yourself let go, dear. Dont take his calls. | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 4:02:09 PM | It couldnt happen for me..i dont think ever.
For me, it certainly was not mutual, I was in total shock hearing her tell me those words that are now burned into my head....even now 2 years later, i sometimes recite them in my mind....not that i want to...but some things you have no control over.
All i want to do is fine someone again that i can love as much as i did her....but i have boudts it will happen, as since this whole thing, i have changed.....i am something different now.
(insert erie music) Im more machine than man now....twisted and Evil. - SW
Actually, he knows he has control over you and a huge portion of your life. If you move on without him, then he loses that. Its a very selfish game he plays, by saying that he still cares for you. If he cared for you, he'd realize you havent gotten over the feelings yet and would let you heal. It's very flattering to know someone still has a huge thing for you, so you feed his ego by answering his calls.
Let yourself let go, dear. Dont take his calls.
Yes i so totally aggree with this, the only power they have over us, is the power we give them, i blame myself for replying back to her emails, i blame myself for returning her calls....no longer wil anyone have that kind of power over me.
my heart was too big to know what i was doing by allowing the communication to not be severed.
I dont hate her, but im certainly NO friend to her. "Friends" is off the air but for us, there will be no syndication. | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 9:34:58 PM | | I know how you feel my ex is seeing someone and it hurts but she does not want to give up on us. Then when I wanted to go out with someone and me being honest I tell her and it hurts her but what does she think it was like for me? Now I see that she still has feeling for me and that makes me so confused why is she going out with this guy. I think we will always be friends but right now it is so hard to separate between loving her and wanting to be her friend, I would do anything for her but when the kids talk about him it hurts and she wants to avoid this by telling them not to talk to me about it but that is unfair to my kids I want them to be honest and open to me. | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 9:49:25 PM | You don't.
You institute no contact immediately. Tell them nicely you can't do it anymore and move on.
No texting, phone, email, snail mail, anything. You look out for you and pretend that person is dead because obviously they are too dumb to understand they are hurting you...or they aren't dumb at all in which case being your "friend" is not their objective.
Lose their stuff, lose their contact info, focus on you. | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/7/2007 11:00:50 PM |
You don't.
You institute no contact immediately. Tell them nicely you can't do it anymore and move on.
No texting, phone, email, snail mail, anything. You look out for you and pretend that person is dead because obviously they are too dumb to understand they are hurting you...or they aren't dumb at all in which case being your "friend" is not their objective.
Lose their stuff, lose their contact info, focus on you.
Top notch advise! | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/16/2007 11:16:15 PM | I had to stop picking up the phone when she called.
Married 17 years - gave me “I need to go find out who I am” - and I got that right out of the blue.
Her > “But we can still be friends”
Me > “Why”
Her > “Because you are a good guy”
I tried for three years .............. bottom line > it is destructive > it keeps your self esteem low > it is feeding their ego > it is screwing you up
Don’t do it. Just cut the contact and forget them. It is all about YOU now - it is no longer about them. | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/17/2007 12:21:24 AM | Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart
and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor,
so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person,
no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you,
and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like
'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter
working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.” | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/24/2007 7:18:27 AM | Stop contact its the only way forward, i tryed to be friends with my ex! It does'nt work it results in you only wanting him more! Believe me sweety am still hurting and stupidly want him back like crazy! Dont feed his echo cus his big head will pop!. Its hard but you need to cut contact and move on, find out who you are and give your self plenty of time to heal!. RETURN THEM GIFTS! otherwise he'll see you like putty in his hands! Your strong believe in you self and go find your true soul mate! He's there somewhere might have to kiss a few ugly ducklings before you find him but he's out there!
Take care hun xXx | |
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| How do you get someone to understand that its not always possible to be friends after a breakup?
Posted: 2/24/2007 7:47:04 AM | You have my sympathies, it can be hard to get over a major relationship. This is a classic case of the guy not getting his emotional needs met in his 'new' relationship, and he is using you and draining your emotions, by you being his 'shoulder to cry on'. I have been used like that too, and I am wise enough now to step back from those situations. I went through a bad marriage that was emotionally devastating and it has taken me years to get back to somewhat normal.
Here is what I would suggest, Butterfly:
Healing is hard-you have to grieve the end of the relationship. You are absolutely right that him 'just being friends' has held you back from healing. I would find a good counselor and work through your issues surrounding the end of this relationship.
With the help of your counselor, when you are ready, prepare to confront the 'just want to be friends' ex, and end the relationship for good. No cards, no gifts at Christmas-done. I know from my experience in my bad marriage, that totally ending contact was the ONLY way for me to move forward and heal. While moving away to another area may not be possible for everyone, it sure helped me when I got a new job in another state and could leave my ex wife behind.
As one of my psychology professors would have said, "Find new friends". I am sure you have a social life, I don't mean to imply that you don't, but finding new activities and groups of people to hang out with can be a positive way to fill your time, and will keep you from brooding and thinking of this 'just want to be friends' ex who has another girlfriend.
Don't seriously date anyone for a while. Any relationship decisions you make while recovering from a bad relationship will be bad ones, more than likely.
Hope this helps.
Steve C. Saint Louis, MO | |
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