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pondo
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Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 51 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 2/27/2006 5:36:15 PM | luckyyou looks like courage has lost her courage i guess thats what happens when your a liar liar and live with steven king. reminds me of ammityville whore   | |
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Jlizzy
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Joined: 10/10/2004
Msg: 52 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 2/27/2006 7:39:54 PM | Rouxx thanks for the compliment.
Nishkwe: "Honestly....one can never see or even know what the relationship holds. I mean it's not like the man introduces himself as...hi my name is Bob and I'm abusive...will u be my wife?"
This is a very very good point and one that makes me feel slightly less critical of myself/less of a fool for letting my ex treat me the way he did. | |
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Jlizzy
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Joined: 10/10/2004
Msg: 53 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 2/27/2006 7:49:53 PM | honestly over your knee:
"That being said, so often when we think of abuse, we think of the very direct forms of abuse. The violent tempers, profanity, and such. I guess I would like to express that there is another manner of abusing someone that is insidious in nature. And thus, because of the very underhanded approach, can grasp control of even the most assertive and confident women. I spent 4 years married to such a man and when a loved one finally confronted me, I was shocked that anyone would think that my ex was abusive."
I can so relate to this!
My situation was probably most underhanded and difficult of all to determine..it was hard to define my husband as emotionally abusive. He never laid a hand on me. Yet many a time I had to witness his tightly clenched hands, kncukles turning almost white as he got angry with me for daring to suggest xyz. I had to worry he would drive us off the road as he managed to snap the sunglasses in half off his face after screaming at me that he was depressed. All this in response to me trying to talk about my ideas of college and how I was feeeling down because I wasn't receiving the support I needed. (see my first big post on it).
He would turn the tables on me, every discussion I had to walk on ice..I was never allowed say anything regarding the relationship even though he was allowed criticise me. I wasn't allowed to question. He made me question myself to the point of even questioning my own sanity...it was cruel, clever manipulation...he managed to have me jealous of a dog! All these things...I was never physically abused and I can't even really make claims to verbal abuse eg namecalling or him shouting at me...but in some ways maybe that would have been easier because at least it would have been clearcut and I would have known to leave..instead it took me 4 years to realise what was going on... | |
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missy4
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Joined: 3/25/2006
Msg: 54 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/16/2006 6:29:46 PM | Amen to that,Kymbie good point I've been there, done that, and have three beautiful boys who now live with their mother knowing true love, and a warm happy home. prayers and hugs to all those beautiful people out there  | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/17/2006 10:57:44 PM | 1> I just woke up one morning and said... its enought!! and all hell broke loose.. He became physically abusive at one point in the seperation even.
2> It was a day of name calling. It took 2 months before i was on my own though.
3> It hasnt yet but I know it will in the end...im sure Ill be fine..im not materalistic.
4> Im sure my kids will suffer too...but it will be better for all in the end i know that.
5> Helps make me realize im not as bad a person as he said I am... but if you meet a real as$hole like one guy I met youll just go back to all the negitive thoughts!
Good luck to all!! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/17/2006 11:01:58 PM | I used a different methodology - unbeknownst to even myself!
I pretended it never bothered me. I just kept drifting further and further away - until he snapped! I mean; there were so many other things to keep me busy and occupied that - if he started in on me - I just started thinking about all the other things I needed to take care of... Don't know if that makes sense. :?
I mean; I know what I'm worth - in the long run.
OH; in fact, he left me. I outlasted him! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 1:42:49 PM | Yourgirl, are you looking to leave/left/ or just curious?Well, here was my situation:
1)How?I was told if I left, he would kill me, so of course I left in the middle of the night
2)The straw that broke the camels back?That would be being in the same house with him and the best friend.(he moved her in and pretty much pretended as though I wasnt there, if ya get the pic)
3)Quality of life suffer? Heck no! It improved.No more bruises etc.I wasnt allowed to cook or work or have friends while I was married.The kids dont have to be tramatised anymore,etc...
4)The kids?Of course they were a motivator to leave sooner.I figured I was being emotionally abusing them allowing them to witness such C**P.
5)I think a place like this helps in the sense that people know where you are coming from and maybe why you are the way you are.For example: When I first came back to washington after leaving him, I was very shy and afraid of people.Many people mistook me for being stuck up or a liar because it was hard for me to look people in the eye(he felt if someone looked him in the eye they could see thru him and therefore that wasnt 'allowed' and was something i got 'in trouble' for.But years later, I have come a long way and actually have been able to trust people again.Posting a thread like this I think also helps because in the past when I started dating again and the guy found out about my past, he broke it off.So on here, if someone knows a part of your past, be it good or bad and still wants to get involved?Thats a good sign But ya gotta do what ya gotta do, girls...There are plenty of-fish!Get rid of the shark if there is one ruining your life | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 2:11:40 PM | But dont women have the choice to leave but often Do not ?
Sometimes i feel bad but then I think the woman stayed around and chose to date these people nobody foces anybody to do anything.
And Woman can be verbaly/emotional abusers as well.
sometimes dealing with a woman's obnoxois behavior provokes the man who might be the nicest guy ever to deal with a woman whose attitude is ****y which the nice nice man just isnt able to cope with so he blows off his top and then suddenly its him being verbally abusive cause he is learning to deal with her obnosious ways. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 2:16:31 PM | I was with my babys father for allmost 3 years and it was HELL, I had my friends come and pack my things with me on a wednesday and I asked anyone with a truck to come over on Thursday and I moved! Simple as that. I worried about my feelings once I was away from the situation and focused on the task at hand. Once I removed myself it was a VERY tought process but it is funny how you segregate yourself frome the people you love while you are in the situation and when you put your foot down and how your serious they will be more that willing to help and you just keep busy and dream of the releif when the hearthache is over.
PS If you are provoked to be abusive I dont think you should call yourself a man! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 2:41:11 PM | I did it after 15 years, I was sorting out clothes from my closet for a womens shelter/safehouse. I would ask questions why women were there...
I was also very involved in a church....so religion was involved too.
I had a very controlling husband who would control me by my actions/thoughts ..Things I could do things I could not do....
I was always threatened if I ever tried left him he would put me in a mental ward for evaluation ( my personal doctor and my ex and leaders from church were best friends)
I had lost who I was...We looked like the perfect couple beautiful home etc nice vehicles...me a stay at home mom...
Everything had always been directed at me from him....I will never go into full detail but short version I went 3 times through shelter system..across country,,,he even had rcmp calling me asking me to come back
I have finally divorced him...I signed everything over but who cares...I sleep at night and If i woulda had family I probably woulda went to them...but I am alone..
I have a wonderful job...slowly getting back on my feet and I am thankful for each day..
I am scared to get involved with a man...scared of them controlling.. someday I really hope that fear passes...
~sweetiieI know there is good men out there........just how does one find them????....LOL
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 3:08:52 PM | (1) Tell us how you did it! and/or... I took my parents up on an offer to get me out of the cr@ppy marriage. They were looking to buy a rental property and told me that they would rent it to me if I wanted to get out and have a place to go to.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)I went though years of verbal/emotional abuse with my ex (he never did hit me). The thing that did it for me was when I was eight months pregnant with our third child, I found out he had a girlfriend. I finally left when the youngest was barely five months old. Then when I told him I wanted a divorce he threatened to "blow my f#cking head off". Nice.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that? My life is MUCH better now than it ever was when I was with him. I may have less money, but all my bills are getting paid and thats all that matters to me. Things would probably be better if he actually paid the child support he's supposed to. But I'm letting the courts deal with that.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)? The only reason I didn't leave sooner is because I had heard so often that I was nothing with out him (not in those words but it all had the same intent) that I started to believe it. When I was in the hospital after having #3 I had my DR and the hospital social worker begging me to leave him then.
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt? This place had no influence whatsoever on my choice to leave, I left back in Dec. '03. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 3:38:19 PM | Women aren;t the only ones thar go through this...
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
Since my loving wife never woke up before 11 am, I sent our son off to school, came home and packed our clothes, went to the school and got him and left for a safer palce before she ever woke up.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
There was no '[straw that broke the camel's back'. When the abuse got bad enough that my son vomited every night from nightmares and thought our quality of life was pretty normal, I decided it was time to go. As far as getting back on our feet, it only took 7 months. Moving into my new apt this coming weekend as a matter of fact...
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
Having less money to live on hurt for sure, but my quality of life improved like you would never belive. I'll take happiness over $ any day.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
My son was my main reason for doing it. As an adult, I was able to live with my own choices and bear the brunt of an unhealthy relationship. My choices got me into it after all. My son however was only 5 and didn't choose that life for himself. No child should ever be told by a parent that they hate them, especially from a mother.
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt
This place has helped a lot. The forums alone have let me see what other people have gone through and I don't feel quite so alone. Plus, when the day came that I felt ready to date again, POF gave me the opprtunity to meet the kind of woman I'd have normally been to bashful to approach in real life. Now she and I are in month #2 | |
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j anna
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Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 63 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/25/2006 6:12:59 PM | I have found, reading the forums here, makes me stronger, less alone, maybe helps me find in my self courage and hope and even peace.
I have found it is easy to say. I have delt with the blows of the past. theya re words..yet harder to realize it is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. and it is up to me what I make of it.
each day is new..and i work to find beauty in even the hard times. I think less and feel more.. worry less and I am finding life is easer if I just let it happen, as it is ment to.
I looked in the bible for the first time ever. and have found amazing things i never knew.. | |
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gwen01
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Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 64 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:08:29 AM | | I was in a highly abusive relationship for 5 years and I was desperate to get out. Mine was also emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. The last straw was when he physically held our son and told me I am not getting him back unless I came into his house to speak with him..I didn't and he put my son in the car but he also jumped in and held us in there for over 2 hours. When I finally got away he called and harrassed me for over 3 hours on the phone and after that I instilled No Contact..it was a list of rules I had come across on the internet and when I read them I knew it would be my only way out as to speak with him I would always believe he may be capable of change and I would cave and give him another chance which always leads to abuse getting more severe...I got myself a lawyer and eventually a restraining order..It was a horrible 5 years and it took quite a while to get over everything that happened to me from this man. I didn't leave my house for almost a year for fear of running into him..and of course I was always concerned he would pop out of a bush and "do me in"..but it was when he used my son as a pawn and I realized this was going to be my life if i didn't get the strength to get out. I knew he was not a mentally healthy person within the first 8 months of meeting him but like most women I felt I could change him with "love"..and that just isn't the case..they are what they are. Now I tell women who just meet someone if they confide in you right away about tramatic experiences or brag they are fiscally responsible..hey do a criminal background check and do a bankruptcy search it could just save you thousands of dollars and a whole lot of physical and emotional pain. | |
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gwen01
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Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 65 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:19:08 AM | | i just wanted to say one more thing that I have a terrific life now and my son is an amazing little person..He is happy and healthy. He goes to sleep at nite and does't have to wake up with fear that his parents are going at it again. I have terrific family and friends and I think I have a wonderful life. I did lose something though in all this and that was my trust that people are who they say they are..I don't feel I trust people as much as I used to and I also feel that I am always looking for redflags to indicate that there is something wrong with this person..I just always kind of took people at face value and just couldn't believe people could look at you and lie but now I am more jaded and skeptical other then that I do think time is a great healer but I would never want to go thru that hell on earth again and I would never want any woman to suffer the way I did..so I just wanted to mention that article I read that motivated me to stay out and it was called No Contact rules..it really brought home what i needed to do to make the final break..thanks | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:26:37 AM | to you all
i'm not here to blame any of you nor point the finger..just expressig from my experience only and what i believe......some of my reactions werent the best choices. yes i know its no excuse for his behaviours but i am at fault for mine.. but my reactions caused him to be more verbal...an angerier at me. we been at each other for quite sometime an ever knew how i became...it happens. i never realized the way we reacted had caused more problems to our situation....so it was tug a war with us as to whos gonna win. what a nightmare.
one day i sat down an thought bout my reactions..an how to change them for myself. well for one..we had to split up...was no end to our tug of war. so now we are split up...i colllected my thoughts...and thought real hard... now after being apart for months..we finally approached one another an talked...wow..it was amazing...i didnt react(get defensive) when he blamed me for his problems instead...i simply said calmly...please dont point blame..we are both at blame on this...thats whn he calmed down...and said yea ur right...from there on...my reactions have improved for the better an for myself....all how i react to a situation. an i am still learning this..lol. i had to treat others how i wanted to be treated...with understanding..care..love...an kindness.
there are some with no hopes and thats not my problem....but at least i have hopes an faith and thats all that matters. so did he change ..lol..naw...still the same...i changed.. an i am happy with my results. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:47:49 AM | 1) Don't ever take verbal abuse! Give it right back to them in spades.
2) If they can't take it and resort to any form of violent behaviour or threats of violence, give them the option (as I did) of leaving now quietly, or with a police escort.
3) If they won't leave you alone afterwards, move quickly in the middle of the night with someone else driving the moving van and someone driving your car with you in the back lying on the floor on top of your baby, while they are outside somewhere lurking with a firearm (so he said)
4) Relocate out of the area far enough that they cannot get there easily and so, even if they find you, it is not possible to commute to your new location to harrass you. (Out of the country, like I did, is best if you can do it.)
5) Be very clear in your mind that you did nothing to stimulate this behaviour and that they need help--but not from you! (Professional help is the only way to go here.) Be also very clear in your mind that not everyone is like this and there are good, kind people in the world who don't need to abuse others to feel big, or to survive.
6) Get right back on that dating horse and find someone who deserves you!! They are out there and they're looking for you too.
7) And last, but not least, be very, very clear that where children are concerned, if the abuser is the father, keep this in your mind: NO DAD IS BETTER THAN A BAD DAD.
Take courage--and stop trying to fix anyone except yourself. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:58:59 PM | Until fairly recently in my life, I had NO idea what an abusive relationship was, nor how common it is, even though I consider myself to be a very well informed person. I'd always thought that an abusive relationship referred to one in which the woman was being beaten. How wrong and naive I was. The truth is, there are many forms of abuse in relationships: verbal, emotional, physical, financial, sexual, etc.
I was with my xbf for a year and a half before I realized that what he was doing was abuse. Since that time, I have learned a LOT about the subject.. I've read dozens of books, posted daily on a verbal abuse website (that is what helped me the most!), talked to other women, got counseling. I was absolutely shocked to learn that ONE OUT OF THREE women have been in an abusive relationship. That is mindblowing. And the general public, I think, is really unaware of how widespread the problem is. The other thing I had a hard time accepting was that the vast majority of abusers (at least 98%) NEVER change, never improve. I had a hard time with that. But after a year of posting daily on a website for abused women, HUNDREDS of abused women, there was only ONE who had experienced any changes in her spouse.
so often when we think of abuse, we think of the very direct forms of abuse. The violent tempers, profanity, and such. I guess I would like to express that there is another manner of abusing someone that is insidious in nature. And thus, because of the very underhanded approach, can grasp control of even the most assertive and confident women. I spent 4 years married to such a man and when a loved one finally confronted me, I was shocked that anyone would think that my ex was abusive.
OH yes. This is definitely a very valid form of abuse.. in fact, it's often even more destructive BECAUSE it's covert. The best book I have read on abuse is "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. He describes various 'types' of abusers.. one of them being the Water Torturer.. the abuse is so stealthy and covert that you question yourself constantly, can't even put your finger on it. | |
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gwen01
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Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 69 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/27/2006 10:42:11 PM | | I can say honestly that I was in a relationship where I went thru the whole gamut of abuse but can say for sure that the emotional abuse and living my life so off balance was far worse then the physical...The emotional abuse changes who you are and I also joined a site that totally guided me along til I had the courage to make the break..I never thought that a website could be life altering but the one I was on did help me as I was trying to get away from this man physically and emotionally..anyway for any women in an abusive relationship please please get out.. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 12:09:19 AM | I left!! And proud of it!
Here is the story... I met a man and he seemed very nice, and kind. We started a relationship, and I really liked the way that when ever we were discussing something of importance (about each other) as we got to know more and more about each other, he always sat beside me and held my hand. I felt as he truly respected me. Over time, he told me stories about how mean and nasty his ex-wife was to him for 13 years... i mean, he made himself seem as if he were a saint, and he was being treated very poorly by this woman for years and years...he claimed that she never celebrated his Birthday (never got him a gift), or even Christmas for that matter. I felt really sad for him. I thought: How could someone be so cruel to such a sweet man? Ohhhh, the stories he told...he was not allowed to inter-act with the children, disipline them, and he claimed that he never knew what was going on in his own children's lives...like, if they were sick, and what was wrong with them, if they were doing well in school or not, and so on and so forth. I just could not fathom any of it, and felt that he truly deserved to be treated fairly, and loved dearly. I decided that I was gong to be the woman to love him, and make up for all those terrible years he claimed to live through with her.
Well, needless to say, I married this man, and found out all too soon that he was a CON! He is the WORST father in the world, and I am not exaggerating here. He is mean, and nasty to his older children (he has five all together). He hits, and verbally abuses his oldest daughter, and antagonizes her to death. He could truly care less about any of her needs, emotions, desires, etc. He never spoke to my daughter, who lived under the same roof as us...he completely ignored her...Despised her!! Then he started with me...treating me with no respect, picking me apart, no consideration, and not a care in the world about anyone but HIMSELF! I soon found out the REAL reason as to why he was not allowed to disipline his own children! He did not care about them for one, and he was mentally and verbally abusive as well. It all started making sense. Why no Christmas or Birthday gifts?? Becasue he took no time what-so-ever in getting anything for anyone at all in return. Our first and only Christmas, I went all out on him...still feeling sorry for him, and was rather hurt when I opened my gifts and saw what I had received was a huge glass measuring cup, a hand held game (for himself), and other small kitchen gadgets. I was shocked and offended -- completely! Now, I know it is the thought that counts, but there was honestly no thought what-so-ever involved there. I could really see why his ex-wife got tired of getting for him, and nothing in return. He did not even care about the children all that much as well, at Christmas time. I had to make sure everyone was taken care of.
If we went to the grocery store and I needed something, like toothpaste, for instance... He refused to let me get any. If the kids needed things, same thing...NO, NO, NO! He bought for himself ONLY! I was responsible for what I needed, and what the kids needed. It had to come out of my income only.
AND mean...He was mean, mean, mean. I quickly came to realize that I had made a huge mistake. Yet, I had his children to consider now (the 2 older ones lived with us). The first time I had threatened to leave, his 13 year old daughter threatened to slice her wrists. Had the butcher knife and all up in her room & ready yo do it. So, of course this made me feel awful that she was that distraught over the fact that I may leave the home, therefore leaving her alone with her father to hit on her, and torture her. So, I stayed put. Then a month or two went by, and things just got worse and worse. His selfishness, and his verbal abuse, and he had even started setting RULES for me to follow! RULES?? Sorrry, I am not or have never been his child, so that did not go over too well with me. Oh, do not let me forget to mention that he did absolutley NOTHING around the house at all. I had to do it all...and I have a very bad back (4 failed surgeries). In fact, I was the one that had to paint the ENTIRE inside of the house by myself! ANd we are not talking a small home here...it is a rather large home (2 story as well). I never got a thank you, or a "WOW, it looks really nice." All I got was negative remarks, and he would nit pick my work. If I would have told him to do it himself, it would have NEVER got done. If my back would hurt after painting a room, he would hatefully say "I never asked you to paint the walls. I forgot to tell you that his ex-wife was also a terrible housekeeper and did not take much time watching the little ones (probably due to depression), and there was crayon and magic marker on almost every single wall in that home...and what a shame, for it is a beautiful home.
Anyway, things just got progressively worse and worse, and my daughter was suffering emotionally. I mean, here she was loking forward to having a father figure in her life, and he let her down big time. How sad! I finally decided that it was not ever going to get any better, and was only going to get worse. I thought and thought...and questioned if it was really worth staying and making it work...and do not let me forget to tell you that I went well out of my way to please that man in every way possible. He was sexually pleased, and pleased in many other ways as well. I was an excellent wife to him, but for what?? I could not take it any longer for I was becomming very depressed. All I wanted was to be treated in the same was that I treated him...with respect, consideration, cooperation, love, empathy...you name it. Well, as I said, I had my mind made up that it was not ever going to work, and told him so. Did he care at that point to change? NO! He was incapable of change. After I had told him that it was over, and that I had no desire to stay married with him, I continued to stay in limbo. I could not (for a while), get myself to pack it up and leave. I had a place to go, I just had to get up and do it...yet I couldn't!! I was hurt so deeply inside that the marriage was a failure, and was in disbelief. I wanted it to work SO BAD! He however, just was too lazy, and self-centered to try, or change. So...one evening, as we were lying in bed (while he was obsessivley watching one of his shows), I laid there in deep thought and asked myself why on earth was I still there allowing this man to treat me and my daughter so pooly. Why was I watching him abuse his daughter?? Staying was not going to make anything change, and while laying there, I convinced myself of all of this, and silently got up out of bed, and packed all of my personal items into a over-night bag, and then started packing some clothes. He asked me (after quite a while) what in the hell I was doing. I said quitely and calmly that I was DONE! I was leaving. I finished packing some of my most important things and left that night.
His daughter took it pretty hard, but has not threatened suicide agian, for after the first threat, I had placed her in a behavioral hospital...and they called CPS on him (she told them about him hitting on her), and they gave her lots of info. CPS, of course has not yet done anything to him, but his day will eventually come. I do keep a close eye on her (his daughter), and make sure all is well, and make sure he is not hurting her. SHe is in counseling, and hopefully some day a blessing will come her way.
I have not been back, and will never go back, although it still hurts. For I wanted so badly to love that man, and show him all I had to offer him.
I hope some day he takes a good hard look at himself and decides to change his ways...(not for my sake, but for his own, and for his kids)...if that is even possible. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 3:22:10 AM | You're pretty much ****ed.
You'll probably end up with the same kind of guy you left. I notice it all the time. The men (ex's, fathers, brothers) in the lives of girls i've been with have had alot in common with me. Usually bad. Thank god i'm not abusive, but just other shit i'm not going into. Be very careful choosing another guy... You'd probably be best off getting with the type of guy you're not usually attracted to, but is caring, and just develop the relationship until you are attracted. I mean I know it sounds like i'm preaching, but I just hate how ****ed up some guys can be, myself included, so just do better for yourself. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 10:18:59 AM | Thank you very much lc! Your honesty is refreshing and very much needed. Many women need to hear guys like you spell it out. (Many are still attracted to 'bad boys' like you say, and will, indeed, end up with a man similar to the abuser they left.) It is quite true that there are certain qualities in non-abusive men that some women ignore, when it would be to their distinct advantage to take notice of these, and to make choices based on their new-found powers of scrutiny.
I hope you are getting some counselling for your problems. Don't give up!! You CAN change your behaviour and feel a lot better about who you are and what you have to offer by searching out a men' group that focuses on abusive patterns. I have a good friend who is middle-aged and has made huge progress in this area. Although it's too late for him to save his marriage, he will be able to function better in the future and may be able to someday enjoy a truly egalitarian relationship with a strong, understanding woman that he can respect and have fun with.
For the ladies reading this, I have learned a couple of things over the years in this area. One thing is that if the man drinks or does drugs immoderately, chances are very good that his behaviour will become abusive. (Moderation is where the person can take the substance or leave it, and a party or get-together does not necessarily include imbibing or whatever.) For example: If your male friend shows up to a child's function with alcohol on his breath--LOOK OUT!!
Secondly, if you have feelings right away for a man where you feel 'motherly' and protective towards him, again, LOOK OUT!!
Thirdly, remember the old saying: 'Handsome is as handsome does.' This expression means that 'you can't tell a book by its cover' and appearances are only as attractive as the behaviour patterns are healthy and functional. The surest way to examine a person's behaviour and watch for abusive patterns is to WAIT and see. The impulse to jump into a relationship can be fatal or very, very damaging. A person's true character cannot be determined long-distance either, nor can it be determined by simply dating. It is much better to watch them 'in action' in all types of environments, and it doesn't hurt to have some of your own male friends or relatives around to assess the guy too. (Remember 'My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding? Her brothers and cousins making threatening jokes to her fiance? Not so stupid an idea.) If there is any indication that the guy wants to isolate you from your social circle--again, LOOK OUT!!
Compulsive gamblers are another group that can become very abusive--financially and emotionally in particular. If your guy is a gambler, watch for the frequency and intensity with which he engages in this activity. If he seems obsessed with it at any point, LOOK OUT!!
Well, I hope this helped someone. It is very true that the guy you are not initially attracted to, ladies, may be the very guy who is going to be a true friend and a wonderful mate. The nice guys should not have to finish last!! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 10:30:21 AM | | The thing that Ive noticed in situations where a person is being emotionally abused is that it usually starts with a gradual wearing down of their self esteem and barely noticeable little put downs and insults.There is usually an apology after each insult in the beginning with some lame excuse to follow such as,"I had a hard day at work" ect.You know I love you and Im sorry"One thing Ive noticed too,is the abuser always blames their doltish behaviour on someone else..Either their boss,friend or family member upset them.Nothing is ever their fault.The deeper a persons self esteem plummets over time,the harder it is for them to leave,thus the downward spiral begins.It doesnt take long to recognize the pattern and cycles,but a lot of people begin to believe subconciously that they cant do any better once they hear it enough.There is no better way to get out of a relationship like this then to start doing things for yourself again,instead of thinking if you love your partner enough,they will change.Abusive behaviour is usually learned at a young age and the only way the abuser can make themselves feel better about their own low self exteem,is by making someone feel worse than they do.Its a vicious cycle and one that can only be changed by realizing that a person who truly loves you andhas your best interest at heart,would never belittle you or say something intentionally to hurt you.I speak from my past experience of being in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was younger.I would never date anyone again who would intentionally hurt,belittle ot put me down in any fashion.Leaving is the first giant step in feeling good about yourself again.Some people believe they are too smart to get sucked into a situation like that,but believe me it can happen to anyone when youre feeling especially vulnerable if you let your guard down. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 10:43:34 AM | What did it for me was when he was arrested for uttering a death threat to me. Of course I didn't actually leave until 6 months later. Fear of the unknown, fear of him... all that jazz kept me back.
I stayed in our apartment.. he moved out. I also had to go on social assistance until I got a job offer which is where I moved to six months after everything happened.
Yes I have a child to consider. It's odd how his probation order stated he could only contact me through a third party in regards to our daughter and yet we were in contact with each other regardless.
This place helps me to enlighten others with the things I have learned through my journey in life. I have ultimately learned though that you cannot help those who do not want to help themselves.
Grow from the positive and learn from the negative
(Whenever you feel like everything is wrong and you have it so bad.. keep in mind someone somewhere has it worse than you). | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 10:58:12 AM | But dont women have the choice to leave but often Do not ?
Sometimes i feel bad but then I think the woman stayed around and chose to date these people nobody foces anybody to do anything.
sorry evilblueeyes but the words "i'll kill you and your daughter both if you try to leave" was enough to get me to stay for 2 1/2 years. fear for your childs life can truly make you survive anything in order to protect the child. nobody "chooses" to be abused...and it often dosn't start happening until the abuser has enough control over you to persuade you to stay. | |
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