gwen01
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Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 76 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 11:45:55 AM | | It isnt easy to leave...when they are threatening you, when all your finances are tied up in there stuff, when you hope maybe the promises he makes to change and be a better person are real this time..the tears they cry and the sorrys..it is because we are nice and giving and maybe even nurturing that these men can manipulate the way they do. It is never so easy just to pick up and leave because so much time and energy and emotions was invested..and you want them to know that you took all their crap because you do love them and maybe that would be enough for them to change for but of course that is never the case. It teaches them that they can probably do even more to you and of course you have taught them that you will put up with it..My relationship was horrendous to say the least and the last year it was non stop trying to get him out of my life as even his pathetic threats he was going to kill himself just no longer moved me..as a matter of fact by the 100th suicide threat you wonder what the hell is taking so long, nevertheless it is never just as simple as picking up and moving on..they dont let you just leave, they harrass and threaten and intimidate and everything humanly possible to scare you into staying.. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 4:06:16 PM | | I can only answer for myself but I believe it all depends on the severity of the abuse and how long you were there and what all it involves. With me, it is very hard to trust again.I want to love again but I am afraid. I hope one day for me it will be easier. | |
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dasani
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Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 78 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 4:42:49 PM | My story is a long complicated one which I will not get into on here. My "lesson" lasted for 81/2 years of abuse that movies are made of! I celebrated my 5 year anniversary of the beginning of my life recently. I call it a lesson because that is how I see it now. Life gives us what we need- as crazy as that seems. I would not be the person I am today if I did not go through what I did.
My "straw that broke the camel's back" was simple....Do I want to live .... or do I want to die? The night this decision was made, I literally ran for my life. I had great support from the local police where I lived at the time, my family and friends that I hadn't seen in years through my "isolation".
I could dwell on all the lost years but I choose not to. I have found the last 5 years very exciting learning who I am, what I like, shopping for me! I have had a couple of relationships since that were good and am open to another one if it should happen. The difference now is that I don't "need" to be with someone...I am very happy on my own. I think that that was the lesson to be learned and I tend to learn things the hard way! lol
To all you women and men in an abusive situation, I do know what you are going through and unless someone has experienced it themselves..they really don't get it. | |
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mogrl
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Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 79 | |
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dasani
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Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 80 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/28/2006 7:24:20 PM | | Hi Mogrl, the main thing is that they are stories from the past and hopefully you are growing and moving on. When I think of the past, it is hard to believe that I was even that person, I have grown so much. If you would like to leave me a message, you are welcome to. All my best. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 4/29/2006 8:11:22 AM | If you have not gone through it you can only imagine the shock the horror, the hopelessness, the fear, the physical shaking, the shame, the embarrassment... no matter how intelligent you think you are nothing prepares you to deal with mind games, lies and mental issues. There should be a course in high school to teach teenagers how to respond to things such as controlling and possessive tendencies, addictive personalities and identifying depression.
I was naive once and now I have seen so much I trust very few. Nobody wins. And some lose their lives. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/3/2006 5:07:23 PM | | ok i was in a relationship for 8 years with a man who contsanly put me down and told me that no other man would ever want me and i had a child with him that he almost killed by not taakin me to the hospital when i was pregnant and well i started gaining male friends and one of them i was attracted to and he told me that i had to leave and that i was goin to end up even more depressed then i was and that i was beautiful and finally i just coulldnt take it anymore and i kicked him out and changed the locks on the door with most of his things in the house and a friend helped me put his stuff on my front lawn for him to get. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/3/2006 5:57:18 PM | | Get right to it. I was a councillor for various additions. If your parents had a problem with any addition. You might have a problem meeting someone that is not into drugs or booze. You will be atractied to the loudest person at a party or at the bar. It is very hard to break away from this. Alonon is a good place to start. Look on the net, Read some books. Talk to someone that does not have any of these problems. You will not beleave the things you find out, I mean you will think these people can not be right. Try it. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/4/2006 7:30:21 AM | | It was one of the hardest things that I had ever tried to do. I kept going back time and time again out of fear,but what I was actually doing was making things worse on myself and my child. It took my two year old getting in between us saying leave my mommy alone don't touch her.When I saw the fear in my childs eyes that was enough,I grabbed her and myself and got out,gave him 30 days to leave due to it being my home before and in the mean time I stayed with family. It is hard financially at times but I wouldn't trade my piece of mind and well being for any amount of money. Any kind of abuse is not healthy for anyone involved,its worse on children because as they grow they think thats whats normal,you have to break the cycle for them. Something else I learned is it never gets better no matter what lies or promises they make it just gets worse each and every time you go back. If you are out stay strong and stay out,you will see its the best thing for all partys involved. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/7/2006 12:43:57 PM | WOW. I am so ashamed of my gender.  One in three are abused? That is a hard thing to bear! Well, I thank my lucky stars that I ws raised in a 'healthy' household. I can remember ONE time that my dad ever even yelled at my mom. It was really more like raised his voice and flipped her off as she walked away. I'm sure this memory is correct (only happening once) because if it was a constant thing I never would even remember it. I'm probably going to wind up with an abusive woman!
side note-
M.January, you wanted me to email you but the system won't let me... I am too young until 5/16 | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/7/2006 3:20:45 PM | 2) straw that broke the camel's back was when I feared for my life, it took several months to secretly plan it and a lot of hard work to get away. I didn't feel I could confide in anyone about it, it happened when I was a teenager (14-17), Several months of working until 2 in the morning, getting up at 5 every day in order to fast track through high school so I could move away to college and get out of my parents home (which wasn't much better) and get away from my abuser and dysfunctional home (that's another story entirely).
1) after those months I eventually was able to move to a new city, too far away so he couldn't have access to me and I essentially didn't have a home to go back to anyways, so I never had to return to that town. And when I did, it was secretly and I never went out in public
3) my quality of life improved in that I didn't live in fear anymore, but the scars remained for years, impacting every facet of my life particularly where relationships were concerned. I met my ex husband at 18, engaged at 20, married at 22 divorced at 24. As it always takes two to tango, "my" part of the undoing of the marriage centered around sexual and control issues, and those issues festered into 2 more relationships after that. The marriage was a very unhealthy marriage essentially based on the fact that we were both victims and not based on a healthy foundation and of course, we were very young. Thankfully, I realized that our marriage was too unhealthy to bring children into, and while I wanted to improve myself and become emotionally healthy, my ex wanted to continue in the victim role, so that ended. After the next shorter relationships also failed because these "issues" kept repeating themselves and surfacing in the new relationships, I realized that I would never have a happy healthy life and marriage and motherhood unless I faced the demons head on and dealth with the baggage. Several years later, here I am, a year away from a PhD in psychology (I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason), I'm emotionally healthy, have had 2 healthy relationships since, even though they didn't work out, have been single a few years now and have come into my own. I'm a strong, confident woman who knows herself well, and knows what she's looking for. I am empowered, and don't take crap anymore. I respect myself, and I expect to be respected in return. Has my quality of life improved?? from the quiet girl who was told I was 'no body' and would never be anything without him, to the woman I am now? HELL YA!!! 
4) no kids
5) this site is awesome!! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/7/2006 4:01:12 PM | My last LTR was for 5 years. Verbal/Emotional and sexual that happened in my house by this man. I just told him to get the fk out of my house and have never looked back.
I suffered mentally for a bit but that changed cuz I am strong and independent and I ahve raised my kids to be the same way.
We are going back to court soon, he will get a slap on the wrist (first offence), and justice sometimes sucks. But he will be on a list of child offenders in my Province. (If I ever meet him in a dark ally, justice would be served…This is only my opinion)
This place hasn’t really helped me, but I have been hurt here…but I realize *hit happens. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/11/2006 1:00:13 PM | | they need a lot of unconditional love and support. just talked my fiance into getting a peace bond and filing assault and battery charges against her ex. no amends or apology and she's finally had enough. he can't be allowed to hurt other women and needs to be locked up, especially with his new profile and psych. history, violent behaviour, etc. gee, hope he doesn't lose that new job, being such a great guy and all. what a joke. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/11/2006 1:26:35 PM | 1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
I loaded up my truck with my bed and my stereo and never went back.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too
I was the kid. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/11/2006 1:53:04 PM | (1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
Councelling and realizing that the monster side was actually him and the charming side was an act that he couldn't keep up. Also just learning more about verbal and emotional abuse, what it was doing to me, and how I was enabling it by staying.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
There was no one straw. Just slowly came to the realization that I just couldn't stay. He threw a laundry basket at me but by then I kinda already made up my mind to leave. I told him that was the last straw but I would have left anyway.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
Yeah I had to take on another job part-time to get by. Bill Collectors are still calling me because I can't always pay them. It was complicated by leaving a company I had been in for 8 years because I just realized just how unhappy I was working for them and the feelings I was getting from the Verbal/Emotional abuse were coming from them as well....just in different ways.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
No kids to consider thankfully
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
I went through everything before I joined POF so I think its nice to know you can share what you learned through it all with others going through it.
It might hurt in the sense that I really withdrew for quite awhile and a place like POF might have sucked me in so bad that I wouldn't be doing the things I needed to do to get myself back on my feet. Internet is NOT necessary when you are struggling to get on your feet and if you already have a job. When I started to look for jobs though I did actually get the internet again because its kind of necessary now when looking for work. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/11/2006 4:36:11 PM |
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
OK, I have just read the first post and am commenting.... so please don't bash me for not reading what others wrote, just stating how it was for me in my abusive marriage.
1) I took the city transit down to the police station December 10, 2004 with bruises all over my arms, chest and lower back. I filled in reports of domestic abuse and cried my eyes out.... It was hard having to relive it all over again with writing it down, and then telling it to the officer who was there with me.
2) The "straw that broke the camel's back" would have been when I had all the bruises to walk around with and a co-worker told me that if I didn't contact the police, she would for me. I did what was best for me and my children and contacted the police on my own.
3) My quality of life, as oddly as this may sound got better. I may have lost his income, but I finally knew where MY pay cheques were going. I was not only in an verbal/Emotional Abusive situation but a financial and physical abusive situation as well. I could get paid one day, come home to do grocery shopping and find out that I had no money in my account. It is tough raising 3 children with NO money.
4) As stated ^^ I have 3 children who were considered when making this drastic change in all of our lives. My abusive ex husband was starting to turn his abuse from only me onto our oldest son. He would throw cups at the back of his head because he wouldn't react fast enough to the orders he would bark. My son was 12 at the time that I left my ex. I am so grateful for leaving that day but can also see that I should have left LONG AGO. In a way, my children motivated me to stay in the abusive situation for longer than I should have. I lacked the confidence in myself that I needed and thought there was no way I would be able to support 3 kids on my own. I felt trapped, as a lot of other women in my situation do. Now, I know I have what it takes to raise my kids on my own. It has been a year and a half, and we are doing Great!
5) As far as a place like this goes..... I would say it doesn't hurt, but would also caution anyone fresh out of an abusive situation to not jump in with both feet. I have had both bad and good experiences on this site. On a happy note, to end my ramble.... I found my future husband all because of this site. So there is positive that comes out of sites like this... just be forewarned of the negative that can happen as well. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/11/2006 4:52:09 PM | I left after he ended up in jail once the verbal and emotional abuse turned physical. The neighbors called the police and he was arrested. It wasn't until then that I saw the look on my daughters face and knew I had to leave, for the sake of my kids. I went from 2 incomes, in an upper class neighborhood with a brand new house and 2 brand new cars to living in an apartment with my mom. I ended up selling my car and buying a used one.
During the abuse my kids motivated me to stay, I didn't want them to come from a divorced family. Now that I've left and looking back I'm so happy I did. Now I realize that a happy home is better than an abusive one any day.
This place helps sometimes because I can relate to what other people say, but at the same time it can be hard. Some days I feel like I'll never meet a decent guy so this place only makes it worse. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/13/2006 7:06:08 PM | | I left an emotionally abusive man 3 months ago. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and my 2 babies. I was at the point where I was going to send my kids to my mother and kill myself. The love of my mother and her pushy personality was what saved me. I stayed because he made me feel like I could not live without him and no one else would ever want me. When my 3 year old daughter sat on the bed and asked me" mommy can we have a new daddy, I dont like the way my daddy treats you and makes you cry all the time" I knew I had to do something but did not know what. Suicide seemed to be the only solution. He made me believe that I was a bad mother and I was for making them go through his abuse too. I am now at my moms in Texas and she has given me the chance to take as much time as I need to heal and get through this. It is a daily struggle for me as he is still harassing me, but I am doing it. I have support and love from mom, and other family. I just found out yesterday that my sister in law, who was the one that helped give me the strength to leave is now sleeping with my husband. Go figure. I find now that I am still looking for someone to share my life with but for different reasons. This will forever change me. My question is, 'Is there any man out there that would give me a chance and love me with all my emotional scars?' | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/13/2006 8:11:58 PM | 1) i waited until he was outta town..
2) the final straw.. he had threatened 2 kill me & went into great detail on how he was going 2 do it.. this was in front of my 2 children!.. i left him back in `98..
3) quality of life?.. u mean w/my ex husband?.. i was a stay at home mom at the time.. my ex controlled EVERY factor in my life at that time.. how did i deal w/it after i left him?.. counselling.. i need 2 do this.. that was the longest journey (almost 2 yrs) i ever took in my life.. but was well worth it!..
4) my kids were a HUGE motivation 4 me 2 leave my ex.. i didn`t want them 2 go threw life w/o me in it.. and they already had witnessed enuff abuse their father had endured onto me.. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/19/2006 4:02:45 PM | I would like to thank every one of you for telling your stories on here, I read every single one and learned so much. Thanks to gwen01 for the simple but profound "No Contact" article. I would especially like to extend my thanks to honestly_over_your_knee for your message 47. I was an abusive husband of the more insidious kind that you experienced who always felt *I* was the one being victimised. It confused the he!! out of my wife.
I would like to offer encouragement here that there are many of us who are getting the help necessary to make lasting change. Your letters helped me to feel proud to be a member of that group.
I can't ask Shatrece strongly enough to get into counselling before your next relationship because I see in your closing question the attitude that caused you to permit a man to abuse you.
**THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE** | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/19/2006 4:43:17 PM |
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
1) I called him and told him I was done.
2) I got pregnant, and knew I couldn't bring a child into the world with him around it
3) **** no, my life got better. It was hard, of course, but I knew what I was working towards.
4) I was pregnant, as I said... that was my motivation. I could not have that man be a father to my child... he'd said things that terrified me, when considered in a "father" role...
5) A place like this? You take from it what you want and leave the rest alone.
As a side note.. I ended up miscarrying the child... but never looked back. Leaving him was the best decision I ever made. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/21/2006 4:51:23 PM | | Although I've never been friends with, nor have I ever dated an abusive person of any sort, I have witnessed the pain it has caused firsthand in some of my closest girlfriends. All I can do is offer them unconditional love and support and must commend all who have overcome such circumstances for your strength, courage and hope. Abusers must feel very small. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/23/2006 10:08:33 AM | So many years ago I left the man I married. He was my high school sweet heart. When we married he became verbally abusive. I could do nothing correct. I was always berated for something. After I had my first child the preasure became greater and he became more wierd and abusive. I wanted to leave yet I became pregnant again. I endured some unmentionable abuse during the nine months yet after I gave birth it seemed as if I woke up and had the streangth to leave. So with a newborn and a one year old I packed all the dirty laundry in the old car and said I was going to do the laundry. I never came back.
During the time I lived with that man I became very quiet and introverted. I rairly looked up I had nothing to look forward to. before I left I was fearful for my life and the wellbeing of my children. He made several attempts on my life.
I had very little value for myself however I valued my children and feared for their safety. That was the catilist for me to leave.
Life was very difficult for me after leaving. I had to endure a great court battle for the divorce. He wanted custody of the children. He had so much support from so many people yet they did'nt realize just what a horrable man he was behind closed doors. Most of those people were church people.
I gained custody of the children and He got supervised visits. I had a huge legal bill and a low paying job. My two children and I lived in a very small one bedroom low rent appartment and life was a struggle. I wouldnt do it any other way. I was free from that man. | |
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pam626
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Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 100 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/23/2006 10:09:46 AM | boy, I can't believe how many of us are out there...no wonder we have walls up (another forum discussion)
1. He went to work one day at 2:30 am and i was packed and gone by 11:00 am
2. there was a couple of things...one he never came home until late...I asked him what "I" like to do and he couldn't name anything...i had some friends telling me to leave....then he told me i could not talk to my son (from a prior marriage) unless he was there...can you believe that~!
3. my quality of life is good. It was a very bad financial mistake to marry him and i am paying for it through the divorce...but i am on my own without the "control" he had over me..and that is a good thing. Yes, I do have to work two jobs to get by but it is worth it!
4. my son motivated me...he was 14 at the time...and i did not want him to turn out to be like this man at all! i would have probably stayed if it wasn't for my son..i was afraid...my ex would record all the calls coming into and out of the house...take car keys...remove phones...sit on my son...there is about a 160 pound difference in weight!
5. not sure about a place like this...i met my husband on a dating site...but i can tell you i now have my eyes wide open...and i know not all men are like him...and that i need to give people a chance...
i had no help from his family...they defended his actions. their response was "we can't talk to him...he doesn't listen to anyone"
wow...i have never posted about my prior life before...but I can tell you, you need to grow and become strong after something/someone like this was in your life... | |
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