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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/23/2006 10:24:47 AM |
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
1) When I nearly shot him (it was an option) I knew it was time to go. My son was 12 days old, he saved my life. I packed the baby's room and my clothes and never went back.
2) He knocked me to the floor while I was holding the baby. That was all it took. Sadly, without that child, I would have stayed.
3) My quality of life improved to the point of scary. I cried so often, not because I left him ~ because I had stayed to long.
4) Already answered that above.
5) My help was in therapy. I knew I had to figure out why I was willing to live like that. Therapy was brutal. It was nearly as bad as he was ~ for a while. Once the cob-webs cleared, I was scared to death. I wasn't scared when I was with him, however. Paradoxical. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/24/2006 8:19:22 PM | I originally replied to a recent post that queryed how could a woman stay with an abuser
..I have also seen other threads querying: why do women stay with abusers?
Well, the thread was locked so I decided to post my thoughts here...
I think it has something to do with being loyal and long suffering. Not in a twisted way as some people think, but they think their forgiveness knows no bounds and love covers all.
Its kind of admirable in way that women can put up with BS from guys and still love them. Its that deep type of character flaw perhaps that provides an emotional payoff for 'fixing' the guy they fell in love with/married.
As hard as it is to imagine being a woman in such a relationship, as a man its mighty easy to say what we would do if put in such a position and that is: just leave.
Come to think of it, maybe thats our forte as men: walking out on things.
Buy your friends caught in these situations a copy of Teri Hatchers new book called 'Burnt Toast'
By God, I know I would.
I had a flip through it in the aisle and it looks really really really good. - RAzzzzzz | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/24/2006 8:45:46 PM | I left a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive marriage 2 day before christmas 2004
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
It was sort of done for me in a way... the police were called and there was no contact after that. Looking back I know I prob would have been seriously hurt or even killed if I had stayed.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
After the third time he hit me and threatened to kill me and then blamed it on me... I begun to realize that, there was no way this was ever going to work out, i couldn't walk on eggshells for the rest of my life. I was in fear for my life and when he told me he would kill me, i knew he meant it. That scared me. I was on my own pretty much the next day.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
It was a very tough year, since he couldn't abuse me or talk to me, he decided to abuse me financially... we went from a 100 000 family income to my own of less than 30 000. Some days I didn't know if I could afford milk or diapers for my youngest. But we made it, sure me and the boys had to sacrifice alot, but we had laughter, peace and happiness again... and that made it all worth it. We are still struggling and i am still fighting in court for child support, but it gets better each day.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
my kids were the reason i stayed as long as i did, now in retrospect i see what a huge error in thinking that was. They are so peaceful and happy now, I love my life. I didn't realize how bad it was until I left. Funny how that works some times. My kids are resilient and amazing, they were my reason for getting up in the morning nad fighting my way through the day. They were my reason to laugh, smile and thank Goddess for this wonderful and amazing life... even when it seemed darkest... but sometimes it truly has to be the darkest before you could see the light.
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
This place helped me feel beautiful again. it was so long since I felt that way. Some days it was just the confidence boost I needed... the fact that the ex is on here, and bashes me on his profile is an minor annoyance but I know these are his issues and not mine.
Life does get better... but it seems life it gets worst first... the first year was an emotional and financial roller coaster for me.. but now in the second year I was all worth it... and i never knew how strong I really was.. I amazed even myself, i am proud :)
Take Care and I wish you the best in love and life. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/24/2006 9:15:18 PM | oh and he continues to tried and get to me on these forums... maybe it is time to move on and leave this site... sad really, since i enjoy it so much, I guess chalk another one up for the bully.
Take Care | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/24/2006 9:17:32 PM | | I did it by telling him that I had to. There was no straw that broke the camels back... it was more of a haystack. I dont recall one specific thing that happened, but rather that feeling that would come and go during those more unsettling times began to stick around to the point of always being there... inside me. We continued to live together safter the dreaded conversation for a month until he was able to find somewhere to live. That took strength like I have never needed before. But, even after being doused in guilt, tempted to give in to him, and stressed like you wouldn't believe... I made it. He moved out with me having held true to my request to end it. There were no kids to consider... only cats... and believe it or not, I did factor them in. When you have to crawl on the floor and peek under the bed to find your pets squished in the far corner out of fear, you know its getting bad. My quality of life was enhanced by being alone. Who cares about the loss of income. There is no price not worth paying for peice of mind and well-being of body and spirit. A place like this has zero effect on me in regards to my past. People are people regardless of how you meet... and if I meet someone who even dare attempts to treat me as I was once treated, they will never get the chance to love me... pretty simple. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/27/2006 4:26:30 PM |
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
Sadly, *I* didn't do it. He did - I was in a snit one day, b*tching around the kitchen - about 5 mins later, he came storming out, screaming he'd had enough of my verbal abuse, and he was going to his Dad's. I was ashamed at the hope that surged through me in that instant.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
The week before... or was it two? He just would not stop screaming at me - all the awful things - c***, f***in b****, wh***, etc... I was sitting on the couch, trying to change our son's diaper - I'd said "Stop, stop. Please stop - you said you wouldn't do this anymore - please stop" He just wouldn't stop - I shoved the highchair at him. He threw it out of the way and grabbed me by the top of the head (a la hockey player fight) and shook my head so hard my a** came off the couch cushion. He had his fist****d, and was screaming at me some more "You want a f***ckin shot in the head? C***?! I'll do it. I'll f***in do it. Take it, take it." Strangely enough, the "take it, take it" grossed me out the most... who the f*ck was THIS guy?? Something for me died that day - he'd become increasingly abusive over our years together, but this day did it in - it's never come back - the hope that he could change, nor the hope that my love could change him.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
OMG. HELL YEAH, our quality of life suffered! One f/t student mommy, he had been the stay at home parent, couldn't find a day-care on such short notice, tie rod on the car SNAPPED the EXACT day he left... Sonshine all confused and freaked out... but you know what? Like alot of the other women will tell you.... I was scared out of my mind, but I was happier than I had been since the first few weeks of our relationship.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
Yup - I decided to stay because of Son.... BAD idea - and I knew that at the time... but I was "scared to p*ss him off..." (Ex-Dude, that is)
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
Meh... I could meet new friends going to the POF socials...
I'm a little freaked, because he might find me here, and because now I know that there are a hell of alot more abusers out there than I ever knew...
It's giving me practice spotting the warning signs. Even on-line... they're there!
**Beware the needy man/woman** | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/27/2006 4:40:59 PM |
2) When my 1 year old daughter was witnessing my ex husband yelling and cussing at me...and she yelled at him, "DADDY BE NICE TO MOMMY!" I knew then that I could allow my daughter to grow up thinking it was ok for a husband to treat her that way, and I didn't want my son (who I was pregnant with at the time) to grow up thinking it was ok to treat his wife like that. It was about 2 months later that I left.
I totally agree, I've seen a lot of parents who detest each other "stay together for the kids", and I don't think thats particularly good for the kids at all. Single mom, or mom in a loving relationship with a new BF, both to me are *highly* preferable to kids growing up in a home with no role model of what a loving relationship *is*. Our childhoods are our biggest role models of what we are going to grow up thinking is "acceptable behaviour". | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/27/2006 4:42:23 PM |
I think it has something to do with being loyal and long suffering. Not in a twisted way as some people think, but they think their forgiveness knows no bounds and love covers all.
Au contraire, dude... OH CONTRAIRE. As someone who knows, and is healing, it IS twisted to allow yourself to be abused and to call it loyalty. HA! I used to use the same "excuse". But after alot of soul-searching with alot of help, I understand: it's not loyalty, it's "Hey, you're probably right - I'm *not* worthy of being treated with respect."
Sorry, this is a little laden with sarcasm.... but the point remains the same. It's wrong to let a person treat you like that, and it's wrong to teach someone that it's okay to treat you like that.
this is my new rule - If it happens once, he's already used up his last chance. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/27/2006 4:46:29 PM |
oh and he continues to tried and get to me on these forums... maybe it is time to move on and leave this site... sad really, since i enjoy it so much, I guess chalk another one up for the bully.
Please don't leave us  - I would ignore him and continue to have your own life, leaving to me is just letting him control your life in yet another way. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:53:25 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Single guy, I agree.
Lady: (I'm sorry, I can't remember your screen name) That's just victim-speak for "I can't do what I want because he won't let me." and I hate to sound like a beeech, but... it comes off like you're looking for sympathy. Take control of your life. No one else can have it unless you give it to them. Find your power. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/27/2006 8:46:02 PM | Absolutely, Funny Girl.
I will never understand why people do that sort of thing or why women and men both, put up with abusive partners. What happened to respecting the other person? Has Kindness lost its meaning?
Physical violence? I know one person in particular who was that way toward his wife until he tried to "bully" the wrong person (a woman)!!and became the recipient Well deserved, I might add. His expression as he was lying on the ground? PRICELESS!!!!! | |
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hera
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Joined: 5/26/2006
Msg: 112 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/27/2006 10:33:34 PM | 1 - with emotional help from a support group for abused women and then a stay at the women and children's shelter
2 - one day I literally saw my world through different eyes, I don't know exactly how that happened?...his abusive behaviour I rationalized, minimized and denied for so long, I now saw for what it actually was...I left eight months later
3 - any financial loss ie) loss of home, lawyer fees, means nothing compared to your renewed sense of self-esteem and value taken away from you in the relationship...I used to dread going home, now I love the safety and peace of my mind, body and belongings...this down-time you never had before, helps you to dream of the future again, so difficulties in the present don't seem overwhelming
4 - yes, they motivated me to stay longer because one of them wasn't mine and I couldn't leave them behind alone and I couldn't take them with me, so when he was safely moved away I could finally be free...at first I thought you should stay for the kids and then I thought that is crazy because by staying you are teaching the kids to put up with abuse too and when you really think about it, stay for what?...when the abuse escalated and the kids were used as pawns more, then there was no longer a question about staying longer to prepare leaving, just go...
5 - a place like this lets you know you are not alone, like a support group does | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/28/2006 11:35:55 AM | (1) Realized one day after two and a half months it wasn't worth it, that thinking that I meant nothing was stupid.
(2) The last straw for me was when it got to the point where he made me feel like I was nothing, I had nothing to offer anyone else and no one else wanted me, that the only reason for me to live was to give him sex; it was about two weeks until I was on my own again.
(3) My quality of life didn't suffer because I wasn't living with him, but I did have a hard time at work after and during that. It took time but I dealt with it.
(4) Didn't have kids thank god.
(5) Doesn't help or hurt
If someone is verbally or emotionally or even physically abusive, leave...there's no point in staying with them because they'll never change. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/28/2006 11:47:22 AM | i left a verbal/physical relationship, several times, but it wasnt until i had my daughter, and the guy hit me once too often in front of her, that i decided to leave him!!
i had left several times before, but ended up goin back as he wud promise he wud change, or that it was me pushing all the wrong buttons?
people wud tell me to leave him, but i was blinded at the time, and so didnt listen to their advice.
how i left him was i was in contact with a very close friend, who knew wat i was going thro, and i had my sister help me also, so that wen he went out for the day, i packed mine and my daughters stuff into the back of my sisters car, left him a note saying i didnt love him anymore and was fed up wit his violence, then left, going 200 miles away from him, and it was the best thing i ever did do!
he found out wher i had gone tho, and tried harrassing me, but i got in touch with the womans refuge, who came nd picked my daughter and me up, and put us up in a safe house. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:10:55 PM | its funny that i even saw this thread. cause you will not believe how many people do not believe in emotional abuse. if you cant see the bruises, its not happening right. i was married for 18 years. the first 6months were fab, then after a while you convince yourself that if you could only try harder. we waited seven years before we had a kid, and i thought (stupidly) that things would improve, but of course, i was a single parent from the moment she was born. he was fun dad. anyways the breaking point was a few months ago in sept. when he got so angry that he started get physical. he's 6'3", im 5'3" . he started choking me, the only thing that stoped him was our 11yr old coming up the stairs and seeing it. i dont want her growing up thinking thats ok. it took a couple more months before i was finally able to trick him out of the house. he wouldnt leave volunteeringly. i have the keys, but im moving anyways, for my own saftey. he works out of the city, finally, so for now, im safe. a friend (and she's also a relative) told me to come here. meet some new people. when all of my other family said, you made your bed... she was the only one that said no, you deserve better. these forums help me laugh. definately notice the lack of money, but it builds character. steel magnolia's "whatever doesnt kill you, makes you stronger" i wouldnt let him kill me. so i have no choice but to BE stronger right. ya, im tired of eating canned fish (extremly cheap) but eventually, it will all come together. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. being in here also lets me see the flip side. men are coming from some serious shit too. so i dont become jaded. dont feel sorry for me, i made it out! its not as easy to do as people think, it took me 18 1/2 years to say enough, but i did it. i look fab. and i'll try again.
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:20:59 PM | | What about the men's point of view? my wife and I made it a policy to never argue in front of the kids, our seperation is and was very friendly as far as terms....... | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/28/2006 12:29:17 PM | 1. I finally decided when my husband told me something about what he had been doing that I just couldnt believe. I was worried about my health because of it, and it sickened me to think about it. That was it. I guess that answers questions 1 and 2, really. I went to the local domestic violence shelter with my 3 kids for a month, then moved here, 1300 miles from him.
3. My quality of life really kind of improved, my income is small, but there's no one to tell me to get a job, then get angry with me because I have one. My money doesn'g go exclusively to booze like his did. As I said, I moved 1300 miles from him. We left with 3 suitcases, birth certificates, ss cards, and a few toys, we were on a greyhound for 2 days, i was working a week after I got here, and had my own apartment 2 weeks later. I was ready to start over.
4. Yes, as I said, I have three. I should have, for their sake, left sooner, much sooner, but as anyone who has been there can attest, it isn't easy.
5. It always helps to have someone to listen. However, I left 8 years ago, so Im fantastic, and we live a very simple life, but a good one. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/28/2006 1:49:47 PM | i was in a relationship with my ex. He was verbally abusive. We would fight constantly. When I got pregnant it got worse till I almost miscarried. I lived with my mom till three weeks after the baby was born. I was stupid for going back. The fighting started again and he would do it in front of the baby too. I would have to leave the house with the baby to get away from him. Finally I came home one day after going to the bank and he had hit our son who was only 2months at the time. I did press charges for child abuse through the CPS but they never did anything. He is still running aoround . The baby though is being adopted by a family who can't have children and I am going to school full time and working full time. I know my child is in safe hands now and will grow up with a life I could never give him. It still hurts to day but I'm thankful for everything that everyone has done for me.
-Cassie- | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/28/2006 5:31:12 PM | What about the men's point of view? my wife and I made it a policy to never argue in front of the kids, our seperation is and was very friendly as far as terms.......
Big Dog II:
This is very noble. My ex and I had the same agreement - only, he changed his mind. Rather, his lack of self-control and esteem changed it.
I don't believe that he ever meant to do what he did, to hurt and terrorize me, to hurt and terrorize our child. He's still exhibiting the same emotionally and verbally abusive behaviour when we are in contact. Tonight, as a matter of fact, he was over joyed when I began to loose my cool over the phone, and said so. Boy *that* reminded me real quick of the woman I strive to and not to be!! I don't believe that his goal is to make us feel small, but to make himself feel less small. But that's enough time trying to figure out *his* head!
I am still in counselling, and he and his family have a fake address for me (I hate to lie to them, but it's for our own safety) - it's actually my parents' address - that should knock the wind out of his sails should he ever think to "come home" for a boxing match... | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/29/2006 4:06:28 PM | It was about three months into the realationship that I began to see "red flags". For some reason I kept telling myself that if I showed him how much I loved him that he would change. He suffered from a history of abuse, his mother threw him away as a child and he was physcially, and sexually abused. I felt sorry for him and each time he would abuse me I knew it was wrong but I just kept showing him how much I loved him and tried to get him to seek counseling. I was wrong. It didnt matter how much I loved him, or how much I showed him that I loved him, he would use it against me. Because of my love, he took advantage of me knowing I would come running back. I tried to end the relationship several times but I was so lonely , I dont have many friends, they are all married and busy with their lives. Before I knew it I was talking to him again. He would text my phone and say things like I love you, I am sorry, lets make this work. I will do whatever you think I need to do to make this work, just to suck me back into his cycle of abuse. I feel like this didnt really happen to me. I never dreamed I would ever become involved with a man that was abusive. The straw that broke the camels back was when I found out he had been sleeping with a woman who he claimed was a friend for months. I know believe that he was never faithful to me. The worst part is feeling so stupid. How, why did I let this happen? To help myself I write down my thoughts, it helps me to be strong. I wrote this in my journal just the other day and thought I would share it....
Each day I pray that I will wake up and every thought of you will be gone
I dont want to remember you
I dont want to remember anything about you
I want to hate you, I want the thoughts of you to discust me so much that I will never have another happy thought about you
This way I know I am safe
Safe from this cycle of abuse that you have kept me in for so long.
One thing I must say that I now know... You cant be abused, if you dont allow it! So Be strong ladies... Life is way too short! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/29/2006 4:23:41 PM | I was in a relationship for a year with a woman who abused me mentally and physically.
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
I got out thanks to the continued help of friends and loved ones.
People who basically kicked my butt until I realized that I deserved much more than she was giving me.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
Well... seeing her come home after a stressful day at work and knowing I was about to get slapped around to vent her frustrations... I realized that I had done nothing to deserve such.
One of the main things she did was to try and make me doubt myself. To make me believe that I didn't deserve true love... that she was the only woman who would have me...
And I sadly had begun to believe her. :(
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
Well, apart from being really miserable, doubting my self worth, showing up for work with bruises and black eyes... the odd cut... maybe some stitches...
No, life didn't change much. :p
Basically, once I started getting my confidence back... I started to hold my own. To not give in to her anymore. I wouldn't let her control me.
Thing is, she always turned all sweet and loving whenever I'd stand up for myself... act so sorry, and tell me how much she loved me, and was trying to change...
I fell for it at first of course... but in time... I saw her words for the lies they were.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
No kids. Thank god.
I would be terrified of what that woman would do to the children.
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
Well, it helps in several ways.
For one, women I meet here... I have more time to get to know them for who they are before meeting them... less chance of falling for the wrong woman.
And, I've made a lot of friends here. Many who have been through what I have, and are understanding and helpful and supportive.
The only thing that hurts... is that I've found a few women on here that were just like she was... :( | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/29/2006 4:25:59 PM | (1) Tell us how you did it! and/or... I just got sick of the games and seeing the fear in my childrens eyes...and I left. We were only married for 6 months before I left.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?) the straw that broke the cames back was when he got physical and really hurt me and my 2 little girls.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that? Not really because he wasn't working at the time so it was just me taking care of it all. So I would say for the most part it has gotten better.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)? Yes. and they were every reason that I left him. I have 2 little girls and I didn't want them growing up thinking that it is ok for anyone to treat them that way. I had to be strong and get out so they can grow up to be self respecting young ladies.
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt? i think it is great to have anywhere to go to have someone to talk to when you go through anything that may be devestating to them. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/29/2006 4:43:35 PM | 1) Called my sister and said I am making a run for it....meet me down the block and get me...
2)When he got arrested for stealing for drug money and CPS came and took his daughter from me.
3) My quality of life could only improve as he had, had me physically locked in the house for 2 years.
4) Yes his baby girl in the reason I had not already broken free...I could not take her legally and I sure as heck was not leaving her.
5) It does not really help me...but if the wordss written here give someone else courage to get out of a like situation, then it helps more than most will ever know... | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/20/2006 10:14:49 PM | | once again snowflake.pretty simple and very well said.some times your in between a rock and a rock ,the only thing to do is to get out ,some-how , some-way. | |
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