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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/20/2006 10:33:38 PM | | I got a call at work asking me to come to the police station. I arrived and then was told that two of my daughters were accusing my husband, there dad of molesting them. I had two people follow me home. When I arrived at home I told him he needed to get up and leave with them. I was divorced two months later. I went homeless, lost my job, and now suffer from low self asteem. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/20/2006 11:24:09 PM | (1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
(1) While I was in the middle of trying to figure out how to get out of the situation I was in without him killing me and/or hurting my kids, he totally lost his mind one day and was coming to my job. I told the office manager I had to leave and why and was immediately fired. They hired an armed guard to sit in their office until the restraining order was served on him based on statements about his deteriorating behavior from people at his job.
(2) Didn't take long to see that he wasn't going to get help and/or change, so there wasn't really a "straw" for me. My mistake was in trying to ease out of the situation without having to do the restraining order thing because no one knew what was going on except my kids. But I ended up having to do it anyway.
(3) We didn't live together, but I lost my job (that was in December 2005 - didn't find another job until this week), and we got evicted because he came to our apartment and tried to kick the door in to get me and get my son for "taking what belonged to him." My 19-year old had to go live with her boyfriend's parents 45 minutes away, and the rest of us are now living on top of each other in a 2-bedroom apartment because my son had to foot all the bills until they approved my unemployment a couple of months later. Now his credit's screwed up because of the eviction and his other bills that got behind from having to support all of us.
(4) My son (21), his fiance, their 2 babies, my 2 daughters (19 and 16), and I all lived together in a really nice, big place. I actually stayed longer because of them because he kept trying to get to my son, who had bought a shotgun to kill him, and of course, I didn't want anything like that to happen and my son end up in jail (or hurt or dead either). I kept thinking I would be able to ease out of the relationship with no harm done, but of course, it didn't turn out that way.
(5) It helps to be able to talk to people who have been there and understand. All I hear about from people who know me is why did I do that, I'm supposed to be so smart, how could I have let that happen, it's my fault, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. And all this time, I thought I was the victim. Silly me...
But I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason, so even though I'm definitely unhappy with the effects this had on my life and the lives of my kids especially, I'm okay. No emotional baggage or great fears of dating again or anything like that. Just another lesson learned...a BIG one. And maybe I needed to go through it to be able to understand and help somebody else. Only someone who's been there understands that the most intelligent person in the world CAN find themselves in a situation like this and that the resolution is not as simple as "just leave!" | |
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Spelly
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 129 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/21/2006 4:06:16 AM | (1) Once I made the decision to leave already having a place to go, it took weeks before I told him as I was afraid of his reaction
(2) When I realized that my mental health was a priority and that my depression/anxiety ws only going to get worse living in fear of his temper. My therapist helped quite a bit as well.
(3) My quality of life improved dramatically. I was lucky to move in with two of the most amazing and supportive guys I know. My rent decreased and my anxiety level dropped dramatically.
(4) I didn't have kids, but one of my cats had to stay behind as my roomies already had one and the landlord has limited us to 2 cats.
(5) A place ike this can help if you find the right people and don't let the haters and judgers get under your skin ~ just like offline life really.....
If you are in that situation, leaving can be done. Email me if you like. It's really hard, especially if you still love them. And whatever you do, don't justify it like I did for so long by saying "at least he doesn't hit me"..... studies have shown that verbal/emotional abuse is as damaging, if not more so, in the long run.
Hope this helps. Email if you need someone to talk to ok? | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/21/2006 4:46:13 AM | I just want to take a moment to say how grateful and proud I am of all the women and the men who have shared their stories. I'm no forum moderator, and I'm no counsellor, but I am a good woman with a good heart and mind. And I am healing, too. But I can feel that sickness now, and it's so tiny and frail, and soon it will be gone altogether. I wish the same for all of you from the bottom of my very big heart.
May we heal, but always remember, so as not to repeat our mistakes.
May we teach our children, boys and girls, by sharing our stories, but never our pain.
May we forgive (when it's right for each of us) and wish for those abusers to heal, as we have, and are. Remember: only hurting people hurt people. If the healing happens, the hurting stops.
~Thunder | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/21/2006 6:16:59 AM | MR RIGHT HERE!!!!
I commend you on stepping forward in front of millions of internet daters. and abusive women and mocho men.
Coming from and abusive father, being adopted out, into another abusive father, I then jumped into a abusive boyfreind who swore he would never hit me again. I have life time scares from it, including being partical deaf in one ear.
I jumped from one father to another by marrying him 2 years later, also wanting, searching, and not feeling worthy of any one else. One year into it we had our first child, which the control started by me not being able to raise our child as egual parents. we were on opposite pages where our kids were concerned. I felt trapped and again not worthy of better. Along come 2 beautiful daughters. The control, verbal , mental and emtional abuse became worse and so over whemling I became ill. My spirt, my sole, my selfworth, my respect, everthing was dead. I walked around in a world of nothing, I gave it all and stayed for others, I pleased them and not me. I was a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a in-law, an employee, a freind etc.... I didnt know who I was. I focused on trying to fix, to be better, to be the best, dedicated, to what others expected of me.
There was no me..Loyality, fear, lack of selfworth, insecure, having your childern be raised properly and securely is only the ice breaker of why some of us stay.
Attemtping to leave 3 times and only to find myself not strong enough to stay gone, I returned, only to have things get worse each time. Who did I blame??????????/ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who was I angry at????????? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My angry for myself took over, I was unable to forgive, nor become any one I might like.
With already one nervous breakdown under my belt, and severe depression for many years, Life for me as I should know it was over, I might as well lay down and give up. HE WINS!!!!!!!!!!!
It was not until the 3 attempt at returning did things become redundant, that I realize after 3 years I was slipping into the same comma. The kids became his target as well.
WAKE UP DAMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With much help from a cousellor from a womens crisis center, I took the plundge for the 4th and final time. I knew there was no looking back, IF I was going to get out this time is was going to be for good. Myself would follow. I would ride that horse again but not until I went through every emotion thats goes along with leaving. I had to allow myself to go through every stage of a breakup. I never allowed myself this in the past and was never strong enough to stay gone. This time it was different. It was something I knew I wanted so bad I could taste it. It was either a slow death or life. YOU CHOOSE BABY< WHATs IT GOING TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!! after 40 years of abuse in one form or another,
I CHOOSE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM STILL NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE , BUT THANK GOD I AM NOT WHERE I USE TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!
***************HERES SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY.*************************
OURS MINDS ARE POWERFUL TOOLS. WE CAN THINK OURSELVES INTO WHAT EVERY IT WANTS US TO. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR THINKING ABOUT
WHAT EVERY MOOD IT WANTS US TO BE IN. IF YOU START FEELING DEPRESSED THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND IT WONT TAKE YOU LONG TO FIGURE OUT WHY ALL YOUR EMOTIONS ARE SINKING. IF YOUR ALL UP SET, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT, BECAUSE YOU CAN UPSET YOURSELF OR YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY!!!
YOU CAN THINK YOUR WAY INTO A GOOD DAY OR A LOZY DAY!!
THERES SOMETHING YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR LEVEL OF JOY, YOUR LEVEL OF PEACE AND THERES SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE AND IT ALL BEGINS IN THE MIND
THE MIND IS THE BATTLE FIELD
AND IF WE DO NOT LEARN HOW TO THINK RIGHT THEN THE DEVIL AND THE ABUSER IS GOING TO HAVE YOUR LIFE.
A DECEIVED MIND PRODUCES A DECIEVED LIFE. A DECEICED MIND IS HIM/SHE TELLING YOU A LIE AND YOU BELEIVE IT. DONT ALLOW YOURSLEF TO BE DECEIVED. ITS YOUR JOB NOT TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE DECEIVED. YOU BELIEVE BECAUSE YOU WERE ABUSED IN SOME FORM YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A MESSED UP LIFE BECAUSE YOU ARE USED, MESSED UP MERCHANDISE.
YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT IN YOUR MIND, THAT YOUR PAST AND PRESENT DOESNT HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR FUTURE. ITS NEVER TO LATE FOR A NEW BEGINNING, YOUR NEVER TO OLD TO BEGIN AGAIN, YOU NEVER HAVE TO MANY PROBLEMS THAT YOU CAN`T STILL HAVE A GREAT LIFE.
SOMETIMES WE THINK TO MUCH AND WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS CHECK WITH OURS HEARTS
STOP LIVING OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEADS. START LIVING WITH YOUR HEART IF YOU WANT TO GET THE RIGHT ANSWER TO WHAT YOUR SUPPOSE TO DO.
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THE FULLFILLMENT OF YOUR DESTINY IF YOU DON`T LEARN HOW TO BE LEAD BY YOUR HEART AND NOT YOUR HEAD.
HUGS TO ALL YOU ABUSIVE , SCARED, WOMEN, MEN AND CHILDERN OUT THERE.
ONE THING THAT REALLY HELPED ME, WAS THE PRAYER OF GOD. | |
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Spelly
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 132 | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/21/2006 8:08:37 AM | Dang. I started this thread almost 6 months ago, and it's still going! Amazing (albeit sad) to see how many people of all sorts have been affected by verbal/emotional abuse -- women AND men (and thanks, fella's, for stepping up to the plate; while I was thinking in terms of the women's experience so as to relate it to my own, I realize that men, too, are subject to verbal/emotional abuse, and so you guys certainly have a valid reason to chime-in!)
While the experiences yall have shared are sometimes harrowing to read, I know that it's so important that we all hear and validate each other, support each other and bring the issue of verbal/emotional abuse out of the closet as being just as serious an offense against a person's humanity as physical violence. In a way, it's an essential part of our own healing process. In my own estimation -- and absolutely not to denigrate or discount the experience of physical abuse -- in some ways, verbal/emotional abuse can be worse. I've read that in surveys of physically abused people, they say that in the longterm the emotional abuse accompanying it was more debilitating, more scarring. Simplistically put, bruises fade and bones heal, but the healing process for a bruised or broken psyche is far more complex, taking far longer, and in the course of that healing, more than "just" skin-and-bone are affected, as the state of one's psyche colors all other aspects of their life: their physical state/health, their mental state, and so on.
Perhaps the fact that this thread is so long-running/lengthy and the experiences conveyed so engaging to read, will also encourage "outsiders" -- those lucky enough to have never been in such a situation -- to drop-in, read, and learn. Then we'll potentially have that many more concerned people out there who will understand and support those who have been abused (no matter what the form that abuse takes). More folks who will understand that abuse is NEVER the victim's fault, that there's a significant difference between "victims" and "survivors." More who can accept that a history of abuse -- while it does demand compassion and understanding, and yes, perhaps a higher degree of TLC -- does not necessarily translate to a present/future of "baggage" or other negative effects. That with a humane and compassionate partner, survivors (versus "victims," those who move from abuser to abuser, never changing themselves to break their own part in that cycle) survivors who have learned and grown from their experience will be deeply sensitive partners themselves: a lucky catch for the right person.
Keep it comin' ! and thanks!  | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/21/2006 12:31:43 PM | I think part of my problem was from the time I was young I had been abused. I was one of those girls who hit puberty extremely early, by 9 was wearing a bra (and no none of those cute little training bras either) By the time I was 12 I was shaving my legs regularly, went bra shopping and had to buy pads.
I was a child in a woman's body. I was constantly made fun of at school, which made me vulnerable.
When I was 12 I was molested by an 18 yr old man who took advantage of the fact that I had a typical childhood crush on him. It didn't even click until years later.
I believe this is what set me up for a lot of the men I dated. Jerks who pouted if they didn't get their own way etc. And much worse.
Last summer I started dating this one guy he was a lot older then me but I really liked him, it wasn't until after I moved in I realized he was an alcoholic and an angry miserable one at that. He would get drunk until he passed out, falling asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. I was always scared he'd set the place on fire.
I left twice, in a very short period of time, it wasn't until I went back home to help my sister with her kids because she had surgery, that I realized he was taking a lot from me. My quality of life...when I was with him I was always scared, in a depression, etc.
I went home after my sister was better to find the apartment smelling of stale beer, no food in the fridge whatsoever, and the whole place disastrous with him passed out sitting in his chair. (That was the straw that broke the camel's back)
I immediately packed up a suit case and called different shelters and found one that had a bed available I called my dad to let him know I left him.
My sister immediately called me back and said There was no way I was going to a shelter and packed up her van and came to get me (it's about a 1 1/2 hr drive away) This was also in the middle of the night.
My quality of life definitely has improved financially I struggled a lot even though I live with my parents I do have my own bills. Living in this city it's really difficult to find a job in the winter/fall especially when you don't have a vehicle. So I worked a lot of temporary employment through out the winter and now I finally have a job.
I live with my parents again but I've never been happier and I'm definitely blessed that I had family to help me. He's still out there, I saw him online in one of my channels I go into trying to bash me so it's still there really, but they all knew the situation and he got banned for trying to trash me not too long ago. I have no children thank god, however I wanted to with him. I'm just happy I decided to wait before making the decisions.
I think talking about it does both. It brings back those awful memories...remember this was only a year ago, but it also helps in the way people need to talk about these things in order to be able to move on.
I must say, to all the women that spent years going through this, I'm so sorry. I only spent a few months with this guy but my friend made me see with real perspective as to what's going on.
JC Adair | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 3:13:30 PM | I would try to let urself not be vulnerable to attack, when ur looking for security. Guys may look like they can offer u the world. In every way possible. Generally speaking u end up taking on too much resposbility and even taken care of the things on him u thought he'd be taken care on u.?
Stick With the ones who already care deaply for u. let them guide u. And let the Creator of the universe help too. hugs!
God Bless to any and every one who reads this.. God Does love U ! trust mE on thiS!
love ya all | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 3:49:44 PM | (1) With some moral/verbal support from my parents, who set off driving at 3am to be with me, when the moment came and he wouldn't listen. I am extremely lucky and really appreciate their support.
(2) He verbally attacked a nice helpful girl in the job centre for no reason. I started to think maybe it was not all my fault and he was not as reasonable as he claimed. That and the build-up of his apparant hatred towards me gave me the thought: "I can't do anything positive for him, in fact I can't do anything right, so he is better off without me." In the final moments I found strength from looking into his angry face and knowing that no matter what, I could not be as cruel to anyone as he was being.
(3) He had nothing and was unemployed, so I was supporting him financially until it ended. In terms of quality of life of course it improved dramatically once the deranged alcoholic maniac was out of my house! My neighbours had suspected and were protective of me once they knew, so I wasn't as frightened with his threats of violence afterwards as I might have been, because there were people everywhere keeping their eyes on me.
(4) None to consider, thankfully. I was fearful for my pet, as he threatened it, and that would motivate me to return to my house when I was afraid to.
(5) My first response is that it neither helps nor hurts as it feels like lifetimes ago now and I managed to turn it around so that the long-term effect on me was positive. But it hurts in a sympathetic way, to see others going through similar and worse situations, and it probably helps to just be hanging out here and seeing confirmation of how much most people abhor this kind of behaviour.
It was a dreadful experience, but I honestly feel that I learned a lot about myself for going through it, and if I hadn't been through it, I'd still be a self-hating little doormat and victim-in-waiting. I am all for learning, but I hope I never have to learn any lessons that harshly in future, I don't want to feel that afraid or that desperate ever again, and my heart goes out to anyone who is being bullied by their partner in that way. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 4:18:38 PM | okay i hope these posts help somebody somewhere someday...hopefully today
#1. I was living in California. Borrowed money from the jerks boss to buy a train ticket back to Maine where my family was. Was gone two days later.
#2 I was with him for three years. He didn't start physically abusing me until our first son was about 4 months old. My baby watched so much bad stuff. (choking me, chasing me with an ax, throwing stuff at me) We didn't have a permanent place to live so a friend gave us a school bus. Which I had to make livaeable because he went to jail. He promptly got out of jail and proceeded to crash our bus. At this time I had gotten pregnant again. We fought about him destroying everything....he chased me and knocked me down and kicked me in the stomach. This was the final straw. He was also beginning to use our first son as a tool to manipulate me. He was jealous of my love for our son.
#3 HAH! quality of life is always better when you wake up in the morning knowing that you still have your life. You don't have to worry that the man you sleep next to every night is going to kill you any more.
#4 I would have to say that I did stay longer because of my kids. The first child....well you never have a bond like that with anyone until you share a child with them. That was more important to me than it was to him or should have been in the first place. Second child, well he is a wonderful blessing, and if I hadn't stayed I wouldn't have him. So I have to say I am glad I stayed as long as I did, but I'm glad I got out when I did because I may not have still had him if I didn't. I bled during my pregnancy with him because jerk kicked me. He had two amniotic sacs when he was born so it's possible that he was a twin, but one of them was lost due to the trauma.
#5 Well it doesn't help when you make a post and people trash you on it. Years of being beaten down doesn't exactly make criticism easy to take. I am my own worst critic and the abuse made that even worse. I AM proud of what I have overcome in this life though, and I wouldn't be here if I hadn't done some serious work on myself so that I could possibly love again. I love to have this outlet because I can screen men more easily before I let them into my or my kids lives.
and a p.s. to this guy
I have a question for you who have left such relationships: how does it affect your desire to be in a new relationship?
It affects it greatly.....in that I am less likely to trust some one right away. I'm less likely to trust my own judgement about men. And any argument, raised voice, or even playful fighting bothers me. But I am a peaceful, loving person who has really regained the ability to know how much I have to offer to the right person. So why not love again? It's a waste to be alone. And somewhere out there is a man who will realize how much power it takes to over come this. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 4:26:45 PM |
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
I put the alcoholic on a Greyhound bus drunk. One way ticket from Milwaukee to Orlando. NO cash, NO food, NO water. I sang, "My Give a Damn is Busted" as I left the terminal.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
He sent a picture of his appendage to a woman in Italy.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
Yes and no. You have to figure out that it's more important to be broke, at peace and happy than to have that second income & put up with the abuse.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
Fortunately, no. I would like to think had I had children I would never have gotten involved & stayed with such a loser to begin with.
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
It's what you make of it. If you need people to talk about it with because you're too ashamed to speak to your closest friends about it then it's good. If you're looking to use this to fill a huge need then it's going to be unhealthy. If you're looking to find a man here while healing, uh yeah not a good idea. LOL
I hope that helps.  | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 4:29:03 PM | I married a man I (thought) I knew for almost eight years. I woke up the day after the wedding to a complete stranger. He was verbally abusive and controlling. I left within a few months and then found out I was pregnant. When we divorced I had the courts sever his parental rights in lieu of child support. It's was difficult raising a child alone at times but I managed to get through it. My daughter is 18 now and I'm ready to move on with my life. Her father has never seen her. She's tried to contact him and he won't return her letters or phone calls. It's his loss.
I think verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse because there are no bruises or signs that it's happening. It takes some time for the abused to finally get it and family and friends may never believe it happened because the abuser seems like a nice guy/girl.
However, I realize I MADE A MISTAKE when I married this man. I don't carry around the baggage and make other men jump through hoops to prove their worth to me. Everyone should start with a clean slate and be trusted until they prove they can't be. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 8:04:45 PM | | wow this is helping me loads......its subtle at first and he would always say how beautiful i was and would spend hours on the phone to me...he lived north and had no job,so i would pay his massive phone bill some take aways etc..........he made me feel i could tell him anything so because id slept with one guy on the first date and didnt feel good about it( hence why im so strongly against it now and learnt about it)i told him..............well the verbal abuse in those 2 years were relentless.if it wasnt brought up once it was brought up a million times.............hed get drunk and just switch........the worst was i love you then i dont it was a rollercoaster.......i was always blamed..he would come in and demand that i write down my exs phone number and once i replied that i didnt have it but he had a new number because i got a txt from him at new year...this flipped him out.he grabbed my hair and i felt almost scalped as i eventually got up i throw his vodka over his shirt.police came and he argued with them when they asked him to leave saying its 12 at night where do you expect me to go.. he had moved south by this time and had got a great job in the city and was going out loads...i felt he was a hypocrite as he had tried to isolate me from my mates and never had a good word to say about my family..friends anything..i guess ishouldnt have tould him about my ex and that he used to massage my shoulders in the bath but at the time we were just friends and i had no idea we would end up together. once i moved in with him and it was great for a week..it was a new place in the city and i spent ages buying new things for the kitchen and making it homely and one night he came home and i was in the bath and it was locked and he totally flipped and chucked me out at 11 at night........i had knowwhere to go and rang my brother who picked me up from the station at about 1 am.......the name calling as well when he was drunk im a slut.....etc i was always on edge and everytime he walked out he would call me a f***ing stupid b**ch and all my family are losers .he has also grabbed me and pushed me loads. he would go from making me feel desirable to cheap in seconds...he would just switch..........oh and he would always mention women and when we would break up id get txts that he was out with some girl...and they would say to him i was a slut etc..and always i was the one that wound him up.the worst was the constant put downs and belittling followed by complement then belittling then complement. whatever i did was wrong and i was always accused of pushing him away can you believe...i cant tell you how much i would get back with him and then it would go wrong and we would break up..there were periods of bliss but they never lasted because my ex was italian anything that came on to do with italy had my heart in my mouth......wmy work suffered the whole time and id lose loads of clients money. one a male client rang at 11 and he went nuts..........my work i can get calls day and night he knew this and he rang the guy back and told him never to phone again and made me ring him to do the same and broke the phone shouted at me and told me to go to my room ........i tould him not to phone him again and that drove him more nuts as then i was in his eyes sticking up for him....i got again called every name under the sun and for the millionth time he was going to leave me... he constantly said i was afraid of intimacy crap in bed and wouldnt let him touch me etc.id get txts saying if my girlfriend wont let me touch her c**t i need to find someone eles........he even sent a txt saying that stripper was good first time ive seen a c**t in ages..he still phones and even had a go about me sending a post it note on here to a males question..i got 10 txts saying the same thing..the day he bought me my engagement ring he shouted and threatened to bash down the bathroom door after he bought a phone charger and didnt know how to fit it together....this is just scratching the surface of the mental abuse but im sure you get the picture...im happy by my self but he keeps calling so i still dont feel free of him. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 8:55:20 PM | (1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
He has low self-esteem, which makes him a control freak. I didn’t see the signs until after we were married. He verbally/emotionally abused me daily and physically abused me once. He never directly hit me, but shoved/knocked me to the floor once. For YEARS, I wasn’t able to go anywhere with my girlfriends and on the few times I managed to go anywhere with my daughter (or even to church), he grilled me over and over with “Who did you flirt with? Who did you sit by? Who flirted with you?” He was (and still is, I’m sure) extremely insecure about his ability to keep a woman interested in him. It really strained my relationship with my only child, a daughter, now 24.
A month or so before “D” day, I started looking for a house to lease. I’d take long lunch hours, go to work late or leave early in order to drive up and down every street in subdivisions in which I was interested. My boss knew why and was behind me all the way. Once I took a day of vacation to look – just left my house as if going to work and made sure I got home at the regular time, so he wouldn’t suspect anything. Found a nice, three-bedroom home, signed a lease, paid utility deposits from my new checking account (kept the checkbook at work) and lined up a mover. Had duplicate keys made for where I was living at the time and for my new house.
My husband and I left for a vacation in Florida at 7:00 am on a Sunday. Two hours later, my first husband and my daughter came and packed up everything, taking personal stuff such as my computer, clothes, jewelry, artwork and music collection to my new house for me. They returned on Monday to oversee the mover I’d hired, who moved all the furniture, fridge and washer/dryer. When we came home from Florida a week later, I drove straight to my mother-in-law’s house. I told him to go on inside and that I’d be in as soon as I got her souvenirs out of the trunk. Instead, I took his luggage out (I’d packed everything separately), ran it up to the front porch (everyone uses her back door, so I wasn’t worried too much about him seeing me) and drove away to my new life. He called me on my mobile after a few minutes, asking why I’d left. He was stunned, shocked and deeply hurt.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
Nothing in particular. I planned to leave for quite some time, but wanted to pay off some credit cards first. It was just a matter of time.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
No, not really. He was disabled, so his only income was Social Security disability benefits. That, combined with my salary, enabled us to live in a larger home than what I’m in now; however, my smaller home is perfect for me. AND, we spent roughly $125/month on his prescriptions, which I don't have to worry about now.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
This was a second marriage for me. My daughter was 23, married and out of the house. His two oldest boys were out of the house, the youngest living with us. I felt bad that I was leaving my stepson (17 at the time), as his mom was never a good mother to him or his brothers. They are the first ones to tell you that. I was the closest thing to a real mother he had. But, I had to leave for my own sanity and to save my relationship with my own flesh and blood daughter. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/4/2006 10:15:46 PM | 1. It took me five years (he's very greedy with "his" money). After he figured out that I was going to leave one way or another, he offered me a tiny settlement from the equity of the house, and an old used pickup truck. I took it and ran.
2. When his daughter blatantly disrespected me in front of him and he laughed and agreed with her.
3. My quality of life went up exponentially. Yes, I had to work two jobs. I took a cheap but nice apartment. I live simply. But I was so happy to be out that life quality was not in question.
4. He had four kids, one of which lived with us and treated me very badly. She was one of the major "straws that broke the camel's back". Thank God we had none together.
5. After taking some alone time to get myself together, I dated locally. That didn't work out so well in this tiny little town. POF ended up being the place I met the love of my life, my fiance.
Ladies, if your happiness and self-esteem isn't a major priority in your man's happiness, big red flag! A man who loves you will never try to belittle you or make you feel less of a woman in order to get his way, ever. Hold out for someone who loves and respects you as an equal, every day, for better or worse. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/10/2006 4:33:05 AM | When I first met my ex, I thought he was my knight in shinning armour. He did everything for me and my two sons (from a previous marriage). The first year was great. Then one day we decided to live together and he became a totally different person. From Dr. Jeykll to Mr. Hyde. The violence and abuse escalated until I made the decision to leave (with 4 kids now) after I was late getting home from work 20 minutes. He was going to bash my head in with a hammer and I would never wake to see my kids again. He had also ran me off the road, tried to hit me with his car, raped me, let our daughter fall down a flight of stairs and left her there (Mom was there that day and ran her to the hospital, while I was working, of course), and many other things that make me want to cry again if I think too hard.
The next day, (on the verge of suicide by now myself) I packed what we could fit into my car and the kids and went to a friends house for a week. He consequently was arrested for violating an order of protection 12 times in 24 hours. It was over a year later before he learned that I had finally had enough of him and his $hit.
Seven years later, many court cases for him and custody of the kids, no child support still, I'm living with 3 of my kids on my own, paying all my own bills and raising them in the best non-violent household as possible.
As for me, I have been single all this time because you never know who you really meet. Who they say they are and who they really are are two different things. However, about two months ago, I ran into an old friend from junior high and well, we're taking things really slow but its good now.
Ladies, keep you heads up, don't listen to the tapes they made for you, fight with everything you got and it will work out for the best. Also, don't forget to keep God by you day and night, he honestly will provide you with what you need. Any and all material possessions can be replaced but your self and your children cannot.
If you have any indication that your household is not "normal", find out what is wrong fast and do something about it. I almost lost my life and it wasn't worth it. Today, we are all healthy and happy, money is tight but we really don't care. The laughing and smiling and fun we have on a day to day basis makes up for the nightmare we lived through.
Hope this helps anyone who is thinking something is wrong with their relationship and/or quality of life. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/10/2006 6:45:40 AM | | It toke me a long time to leave my ex husband.He fractured my cheek and broke my noe .but they healed ,the emotional i still in my subconscious.But I could not stand to see the pain in my kids face when they reguarded my black eyes etc.It toke me a while I real loved this man and he was the father of my last child.BUT i learned i was a codependant person .I went to self help meetings and joined some groups I also had some other issues.But finally I said enough is enough. I walked away.Emotionally i became a basket case for a while but I did survive was not easy . but you have to get to the point to where you have to give up the relationship.Noone can get you there but your selfGood luck you can do it !!!!! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/10/2006 7:22:17 AM | I emotionally divorced mine in year one of the marriage as he was a drinker, a liar, a petty criminal, a womaniser,verbally,physically and sexually abusive, I am so happy to be free lol.
Geri | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/10/2006 1:40:23 PM | An Abusive Boyfriend...Live In...
Before i I begin i just wanna state, that in all honesty i dont blame just my ex i blame myself for the vulnerable state i was in at the time. Getting out of a 5 year realationship and a month after having my father pass away suddenly relly screws you up... I met this man (unnamed) we dated for 3 months. I decided to build a house with the money i had... He never gave me a penny for the house nothing. The deal was he woudl live with me and pay rent nothing would be in his name. Everything in mine. My house my responsibilty.... In his mind everything was his because he lived in the house. It started with punching walls, swearing at my telling me im fat ugly stupid no good. That my dad if he was alive to see his whore of a daughter he would be so upset. The lies went on he would call my mother telling my mother that i was crazy and cheating. Yet the only places iw oudl ever go was to my 2 jobs. I pretty much stop talking to my family and hanging out with my friends cause he didn't like it. The best one yet that would get to me the most Your father is a Faggot... Mind you this man never knew my father but seem to love to talk bad about him....
1. How I left Him???
I couldnt leave my house... Mind you i woudl go and sleep at my mothers once or twice a week. Move my dog there and her stuff... i moved his stuff in another room till i could do somthing. As soon as i would tell him to leave he would say i want 50 thousand dollars. I called a lawyer and the lawyer said the only thin he can get out of me was 5000 and and a couple peices of furniture finally he said ok months post him still living in my house. Going through my stuff everychance he got and aqccusing me of sleeping with other men. He leid when i came up with the moiney for him to leave he wouldn't i took the matter into my own hands. I went to work my family came over changed the locks let him in the house to get his stuff and he refused to leave sat his but on my couch convinced it was his house. We finally got him. Had to call the cops. Yet we hadnt even lived together yet for 3 months.
2. What did it.... Well my birthday i was sleeping working midnights. I have a little pug greatest little dog. Very obedient never poop peed or didnt anything gross in the house. The ex was downstairs and for some reason since we moved into the house my dog was afraid the him. She wouild always hide in a corner. That afternoon i woke up to a loud scream almost like a baby. I ran downstairs when i heard the noise. My ex is standing over the dog while she was pooing on the floor. Why did she poo has he kicked her so hard in the face with his shoes that it literally scared the crap out of her. I didnt wanna believe he dd anything to her but i questioned him and after calling me a bunch of names denyed and asked how i could accuse him of such a thing. He left the house i called my mother and she took the dog to the vet. My dog from this man had a fractured paw in 3 different places, he ripped out her toenail by stepping on her foot with shoes. The blow to the head cause broekn blood vessels in her eye almost lost of eye sight and a fractured jaw. I tried charging him but cops said not enough proof. That was the last straw...
3.My ex would tell everyone that iw as crazy and that it was me who ruined the realationship that iw as sleeping with a bunch of other men. I never was i never did anything to provoke the break. But for the longest time my neighbours and everyone in my community woudl give me looks. I had to be strong i held my head high.
4. Till even now. I wont get into a realationhsip. I feel that me being single woudlnt give a guy a chance to make himself to at home or treat me bad. Im better off alone knowing whats mine is mine and that i dont have to fight for what is mine. I guess we learn from our mistakes. But till this day This man still calls me a 100 times a day hanging up the phone and so forth.... Cops say they cant do anything, great system while we are at it.... | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 10/10/2006 2:09:30 PM | I was sick and tired of him telling me what to do and what not to do and what to wear and always assuiming that I was cheating....always accusing me of cheating while I wasnt.....
trying to keep me away from my family.....putting me down........the last straw was
when HE cheated and he grabbed my arm and made a bruise......and was still accusing me of cheating because I was talking to another guy.....I was looking at him and asking myself if this is someone I want....the way he was talking to me.......
and I just walked away, and never came back, and never looked back, and never regretted for one second breaking up with him. Of course he harassed me and stalked me and got others to harass me for awhile after I left him but these days he's nothing but a lesson learned and a bad memory and one of the only things I regret.
Gotta listen to your gut and those warning signs..................... | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/27/2006 5:13:19 PM | Although I've never been friends with, nor have I ever dated an abusive person of any sort, I have witnessed the pain it has caused firsthand in some of my closest girlfriends. All I can do is offer them unconditional love and support and must commend all who have overcome such circumstances for your strength, courage and hope. Abusers must feel very small.
so long as they have power and control over the victim .... abusers feel nothing !!!!! It's the power and control that give them the integrity to move on. unfortunate...really unfortunate!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/27/2006 5:42:41 PM | Answer to number 1:
I called my family and asked for help.
2: The straw that broke the camel's back for me was finding out I was pregnant with my daughter and realizing she deserved better than that kind of example. Wanting her to be happy and see a loving happy relationship...not some a*hole saying horrible rude things to her mother.
3: Well lets see I went from supporting a loser...to not working...being pregnant...not knowing what I was going to do...but it all ended up working out for the best!!!
4: See answer to number 2.
5: OMG this place is my saving grace...I found the most loving, wonderfully amazing, honest, intelligent, funny, giving, caring man in the world here! Im so freaking happy now its rediculous!!! | |
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