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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/27/2006 6:40:43 PM | ok...i am wondering how can u all be so strong....ive had been in a realtionship for 12 years and the last 2 years on and off....he as tht way of winning me back.....and i went true alot....verbally and physical....and been lied and cheated on...i just feel i had been living in realtionship where i dont even no...where we were going....my childrens are more stronger then me they dont cried...and dont ask when daddy is not around ...they seeem to not care...what he does aobut is life..or when he comes ...they are telling me when is he going to leave...i am at a point where i want to be strong....need help..tried phsychologue and even those groups....but jsut falling back to the cycle...and it even happen last saturday again....i feel tht my life got stolen buy him...i cant laught ...i always cried...i feel empty when he is not around,...but when he is around i feel less empty..but the things tht he does...its not right to me..how can i accept tht life....and i feel i cant move on...i tried ..tried....and i jsut feel i will never be good enought for no one....tht its only him who exsist in this life....i am glad tth someone did a tread on this...and i can see there are survivor...and i wish i will be one ...one day two | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/30/2006 9:49:36 AM | I to have just left a verbal abuser after 26 yrs. To answer your questions;
1. It took me a long time to get up the nerve,at the time I had 2 babies and as they grew up it got harder, I couldn't support myself (at the time he made me believe that) I guess I just grew up - I wish i had done it sooner, people don't realize that when you are in an abusive relationship your self esteem is next to nothing and it is drilled into you that you are no good.
2. My older son (22) turned to me one day and just said mom why don't you just get the f*** out, I thought I was doing a good thing by staying for the boys.
3. My life was very stressful and I was always depressed
4. I have 2 boys, In the beginning I stayed for them, In the end I left for them and for me.
5. You can find alot of good advice on this forum, but honestly only you can solve this problem, you have to decide what is most important to you and your children - Just remember that life does go on, it may be a rough road at first but their is always a light at the end of the tunnel (sorry if that sounds goofy) Use you friends and family for support, I'm sure they will be there for you.
cheers and good luck
remember look after number 1 YOU!!!!!! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/30/2006 10:49:08 AM | All the juicy details including my rebirth.1,it took me yrs because abuse was all I had ever known,and so i just took it,until the time i was lying in my own pool of blood and i had gone to an abuse shelter to get away.There was this girl there who had left her husband slept with a butcher knife under her pillow.Long story short he had the kids if you know anything about shelter u are not suppose to meet with your abuser.But she missed her child so bad.So Karen went to her house by the time we got to her.We seen her turn around to run from him ,we heard a gun go off.She stopped dead in her tracks.She was froze to the spot slowly turning going inside he had shot their child ,tried shooot himself.But never got to.But he killed their child.Right then and there broke my chain of abuse,so yes i do the alone thingcause we dont know who out there is an abuser.tHEY HAVE NO SIGNS TO SHOW US WHO THEY ARE.aND IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE FORTUNATE THE SURVIVORS.Then you should feel blessed.I give back by reaching out to ones abused.My door is always open and my phone always on.I was given the chance to spread the heart I have in a great way,and im doing just that.  | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/30/2006 11:38:10 AM | Hey Stranger, u should know that , No one in your life, regardless of who they are, will ever have the right to name call, degrade, or insult you. Not your mother, your brother not even your annoying aunt Ursula. And most importantly >>Not the man that you should be soaring with.
When you really believe that statement, you will clean up house and separate yourself from those that keep u trapped and opinion less.
The most single and important aspect of leaving an unhealthy and verbally abusive situation is to have FAITH that you will be okay. But the first step is recognizing that you have been choosing pain up until now, and that you don’t want it anymore.
Ill answer ure questions,
Tell us how you did it! and/or... (2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? -
Answer->> DONT BE FOOLED - There will be NO straw, it’s a matter of internal & mental growth. Become aware of everything around you, ie., The things in your day that excite you, or drains you. What inspires you or makes u crazy... as you become more aware of the good and bad of what your’re taking in. Its life education. Good ol' mental growth and development. And Your mind will just “ get it”! It will just click! - In my case, I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind and heart said I’ve had enough and my body said, “I m with u,, lets go.. This guy sucks!” >>>>>SO become aware of everything around u, and you will see things differently and only then u will be given the ability to act accordingly. :)
(and how long from then until you actually were on your own) again?)
Answer- Within 2 weeks,,, -- ( which were the longest 2 weeks of my life… but that was 2 years ago… - DONT WASTE TIME- just pack it up and walk...
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that? -
A- Nope, and u cant use the word suffer in this type of scenario,.You’ve been suffering the entire length of the relationship, don’t take this personal but- You know how to cope with suffering. so there is No need to fear it, It can only get better 4 u, just have faith and trust! - The peacefulness you will feel when you walk, will make u feel like the richest woman in the world... >>which will drive your personal growth (as per my situation I ended up doubling my income and now..Unfortuntely most men are intimidated by what I have, which in turn helps me filter them out :)
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
Answer- Yep, but then u realize quickly that children really do live by example. You have to ask- would you want them to repeat your mistakes... >would u want them to stick around in a useless relationship like yours. the answer usually is> nope because they deserve better! and so do their mothers :)
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
Answer- It depends on where you head is at? Rebounding isn’t good for anyone. This is a time when "me time” is really important, one of the most obvious reasons ppl delay in leaving is because they feel edgy on their own. Conquering the edginess is quite the task; however you will finally be sending signals to your mind and body that you’re serious about taking care of it. And I promise life just gets better and better, but sticking around pof is also great to meet like minded people and that in turn will strengthen your development. so just make sure u know where your at, and what you need at this time. :)
bye
hope that helped
-e | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/30/2006 11:39:25 AM | So sorry for such pain experienced by so many, but so very happy for those that made it out and have started over. I was in a violently abusive marriage in my early 20's. I wish that I could say that I was so strong that I decided to leave. What actually happened is that I woke up one day after a particularly abusive night before and realized "This man could ACTUALLY kill me." Purposely, accidently....whatever. Dead is dead. So, fear of death is what made me pick up the phone and leave.
I really want to add this:
I understand that each and every case is unique. I have no doubt that there are some men/women in the world that are abusers that completely con a woman/man. However, more times than not, there are MANY MANY MANY signs that you need to run and not walk away from this person. A physically abusive person doesn't punch you in the face on the first date. It is a very slow, gradual process of destroying their partners self-esteem and establishing control. The key to maybe recognizing this EARLY and getting out BEFORE the abuse starts is establishing very definite emotional boundries. For instance:
An abusive person is often extremely rude and disrespectful....Telling you to "Shut up" or "F*ck off" is NOT acceptable (abuse or not)
An abusive person often uses tactics to get you to begin questioning yourself...i.e. appearance, intelligence, sex appeal....etc.
The list is a MILE long. I'm the mother of 2 beautiful girls. Of course, I can't protect them from all bad things in the world. But rather than teaching our children to LEAVE if someone hits them, lets teach them to demand respect from the get-go. Abusers have a really hard time in the respect department.
Happy Holidays to you all....Stay safe! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/30/2006 12:37:26 PM |  This is so true they look for ways that they can demeann you make you feel you are to blame.They remove your family and your friends so only he is left.And when he feels he has the edge the control,more less like brainwahing begins.I have worked with so many been abused,that just dont want to believe that it isnt love that drives them.It is so very hard to have to tell them hey you just made a bad choice.But in reality there is no safe mode to be in once you are abused.Its like you always have be on guard. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 11/30/2006 5:02:26 PM | 1. It took a long time to accept that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but once I accepted it, it was easy....I just told him it was over.
2. When I told him how I felt and he reacted with silence, then an annoyed....what do you want me to do? Make your decision for you? That was it!
3. Nope, quality of life did not suffer at all, got better....don't have to live with the doubts about myself anymore or worry/wonder about the relationship.
4. I have kids so of course they factored in. We never lived together so it was not that big a deal for my son but He is the father of my daughter.
5. This place can be therapeutic when you realize that you are not alone in the things that you have experienced in your life. Always good to talk to/read about other people's experiences....puts your own life in perspective. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 12/1/2006 3:49:44 PM | i know i was young when it happened, but no matter what the age, you still get permanatly hurt by it, but here are my answers to your questions:
(1) Tell us how you did it! and/or... ~ well as for leaving, im sad to say i still didnt end up leaving him, he left me. all over the front seat of a car and a half pack of smokes. so as much as i wish i could say that i had the backbone and i was able to pick up and go, i didnt... :(
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?) ~ i think i can add on this to say, i made him mad one night, i got tired of him calling me everyone on the face of the earth, and stood up for myself, and this new surge of power made him nervouse or something and he backed out on it, thats why we faught about the front seat and smokes, usually i would let him get whatever he wanted cause i was scared of him, and if he wanted the smokes even if i only smoked one of his i would give him what he wanted, but this one night, and one night only i stood up for myself and well he left.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that? ~ we didnt live together, thank god, well not live together in a sence where we were working, he did spend the last 6 months of the relationship at my place, but my nan was bringing in the income, and paying rent and paying for food, but my quality of life, if you count the way i lived my life and the feelings i were feeling a quality faded. i was no longer trusting, nor could i allow myself to get involved so deeply anymore... not even now... if that counts.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)? ~ almost... but nope, thank god, and when i "thought" i was having his kid, i was going to leave him, but when i found out i might be pregnant i stayed with him until i found out for sure i wasnt. then by the time i was 100% sure, because although i missed 3 months the test still come out negitive, i lost my backbone again. but if i had of been, i wouldnt have left him, and i wouldnt have stuck up for myself, and would have done anything to keep the peace, for the childs sake.
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt? ~ hurts because it makes you into a different person, you will probably have a hard time trusting anyone again, i know i do, and people arent going to see you as the same person, many of my friends have said "girl **** changed you, your not the girl you used to be!" and it helped me in the long run, because now i know what i shouldnt get into, i rememeber what he was like when he first started to get abusive, and i know not to stay around anymore when someone starts acting the way he did. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 12/1/2006 4:46:16 PM | yourgirl I've kind of avoided this thread but decided to take a look. My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive as well as controlling and co-dependent.
I didn't leave him he left me with 25 cents, no car, no telephone and no food in the boonies of Maine. I had no idea where I was or what to do. Obviously THAT was the straw that broke the camels back.
My quality of life IMPROVED GREATLY. I wouldn't have become as successful as I am if I had stayed married to him. I was in the Navy until I married him so I had to basically start from scratch. I gave up a career and had to find a new one. It turned out my military training gave me experience to do jobs I'd never have considered unless I was in a position where I had to look at EVERYTHING available. I ended up working as a legal compliance analyst for several large insurance companies even though I had only taken one business law class in college.
I found out I was pregnant AFTER he left me. I went through the complete pregnancy alone and raised my daughter with no financial help from him.
As far as a place like this, I can't say. I didn't date at all while raising my daughter because I wanted to provide a stable happy home for her and didn't feel I could do that with men coming and going in my life.
Sometimes what seems to be a life's disaster surprises you and you find it's the best thing that could have ever happened to you. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 12/8/2006 2:56:10 PM | | i got a call from the police department asking me to come down. when i got there they told me two of our daughters were saying he molested them. i said who is following me home? got there told him he had to go, packed him, lawyer div. me for free in two months, went homeless, found a hotel to live at for working there and now have been in a place of my own 3 years. i always said never my kid's... | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 12/9/2006 8:55:28 AM | 1. BEWARE the comfort zone. Just because its comfy doesnt mean its good for you.....
2. THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS ......LEAVE! Whats so hard about that?
3. LOOK AT THE SUBTLE SIGNS....is he flirting with your female friends when they come over? Does he act like the "wiser adviser"? How does he talk about other women?
4. MOVE IN BEFORE MARRIAGE.......for gods sake......give him a test drive if you can.
5. DONT TAKE ANY CRAP FROM ANYONE, EVER! | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 12/9/2006 2:44:21 PM | (1) Tell us how you did it! and/or...
I had to call the police & have a restraining order put on him. It was mainly physical & emotional abuse.
(2) What was the "straw that broke the camel's back"? (and how long from then til you actually were on your own again?)
I just had enough. It wasn't getting better, it just kept getting worse, and I had a 6 month old daughter to think about. I was on my own for just over 6 months, before I considered dating again.
(3) Did your quality of life suffer much (loss of two incomes/residence, that sort of thing), and how did you deal with that?
Not particularly. My family helped me out A LOT. I kept the apartment, and most of my furnishings. Got myself on some financial assistance for the time being. Considering getting back into school. That sort of thing, so if anything I'm doing much better now.
(4) Did you have kids to consider too (did they motivate you in some way to stay longer or leave sooner)?
In a way, I wanted things to work out for our daughters sake. But I eventually came to a realization that it wasn't a stable, safe environment for a child to grow up in. She needs one sane parent rather than 2 insane ones. :D
(5) How does a place like this help or hurt?
It helped me realize there are plenty more fish in the sea, and not everybody is going to hurt me. I also made a few friends that I can talk to, and can vent when need be.  | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/22/2008 4:39:08 PM | I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 12 years. I had no idea that's what it was, I thought it was my problem (because I was told many times, "It's not me, you are the one with the problem.)
I lived with a man who was continually out of work (10 jobs in the 12 years we were married), when he was working I never once saw a pay stub. He controlled the money... If I got a bonus or income tax back, etc., he decided where the money went.
He couldn't stand my family, my friends, etc. Made it so uncomfortable for me that I stayed away from people. Was constantly throwing away my things, I would find things in the garbage and when I confronted him he always said it wasn't him.
I could go on and on.... The straw that broke the camels back? There was an initial one and a secondary one. We had a 13 year old dog. She got sick and had to be put down, he wouldn't take her in, I did. It brought me to my knees, he didn't flinch. The second straw was when my 9 year old daughter told me that she wished that it was just the two of us and that daddy wasn't around. That's when I realized that she was being affected by him as well.
I am a successful person, so, no my quality of life did not suffer. As a matter of fact, I excelled once I left him.
This helps to see that I was indeed a victim of abuse, because I still have times when I think maybe it was my fault. My family and friends are there to reassure, but there is still that little voice of doubt in my head. That is why I come to these sites to reassure myself again. Although I still do not think I had no fault in this, I do realize that it was not a natural relationship. | |
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gvnage
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Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 165 | |
| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:33:24 PM | | was dating someone who told me to 'get off my lazy ass and do what he said". I had been bending over backwards to help him for 2 weeks straight. I blocked his # and didn't respond to his general-'I'm sorry that I've hurt you' note. I realized he didn't have respect for women to talk down to me like that. I gave back his things and moved on w/ my life. He obviously had some serious issues he needed to get over that had nothing to do w/ me . Yes, I am glad I walked away. Noone deserves mistreatment masquerading as 'love'. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:47:46 PM | I'm sorry you are inthis situation. It took me 12 years to do something about it despite the broken furniture, holes in the walls, doors off hinges and occasional bumps and bruises.
(1) I did it after a lot of thought and consideration. I asked him to leave and told him I was not afraid to call the cops if it became necessary. He claimed to still love me, but it's hard to comprehend he loves me yet is mean and nasty not only to me, but to his son as well.
(2) I had epilepsy for 25 years. After I had the surgery and was sure I could live on my own and take care of my kids, that was it. The one event that stuck with me were the shouting matches he would get into with my son and I felt I wasn't being a very good mother by not doing something about it. I had tried everything else.
(3) My quality of life suffered in the sense that I lost a lot of "friends" and most of my family. We speak now and they spend time with the kids, but they have very little interest in me. Financially I do whatever it takes to give these kids what they need and we are doing well. I didn't find a high paying job, but one with a lot of fringe benefits I take advantage of. I am resourceful and if it comes down to having a garage sales, selling something on ebay, participating in clinical trials and getting paid for it, then so be it. We have been EXTREMELY blessed and never go without. God is in all of it. It is amazing to see things come in just in time. :)
(4) The kids were my biggest motivation. I could have handled anything. I only stayed as long as I did because I was sick and my family was not supportive in the least.
(5) God is what helps me more than anything and has blessed me every step of the way. Having a place where I can help others because of my experience as well as sometimes be helped is great. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:12:47 PM | | Man of Ink...what desire? For me, being in a relationship such as this left no desire for any man ever again, or so I thought. I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years. When he finally..FINALLY... left..it took me 7 years just to get beyond what the jerk did to me. I battled depression and feelings of no self worth. It has been and was a struggle but today I can honestly say that I am the better person for all of what happened. I am ready. Ready to find my Mr. Right and believe me I will be much more alert to the signs of abusiveness. It is very hard to trust and be open with most men still. I am very leary and always on the wake of wondering if the next man I meet might be like the jerk I was with. It's not easy but I know I can do this and have a normal life again. I am a survivor just like all the women who have posted here and those who are still in abusive relationships and have not found it time to leave yet. They will and be better off. I admire and respect each and every one of them. God Bless and take care. | |
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:44:15 PM | Kuddos to all you brave ladies and gentlemen.. I am amazed at your strength and resilence.. I know that these testimonies will help others.
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| Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 6/23/2008 1:05:28 PM | I left my controlling manipulative ex after he basically almost erased the person I was when he met me. I was with him for 12 yrs.
I left him after he told me that I couldnt go somewhere with my mom and my sister. That was after I found out he was cheating. I blew up and packed and left.
I am not going to allow my sons to see that sort of treatment. He is a good father, just a rotten a$$ husband. I was property.
I was broke, but I am not now. I am happy. I used to want to die everyday. I have freedom and peace. I am with a wonderful man and am in love.
Whenever I feel threatened, my wall goes up. When I feel like I am being told what to do, I lose it. Unfortunately, my new guy is paying for what the ex put me thru. But being the great man that he is, the new guy just smiles and kisses me. He reminds me that what he likes about me is my attitude and my independence. he doesnt want that to ever go away! | |
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