| | SHOULD I TELL HER???Page 2 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) |
If I see a pregnant woman smoking, I'll let her have it
Why? Its none of your business as you put it. | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 7:32:39 PM | I think you should black mail the guy and get some money out of him..........gotta be thinking all the time honey!
to that reply i meant | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 7:47:51 PM |
he assured me that he had a loveless marriage and that they were only together for the bgenefit of their son
If you look at a few of the men on this site (or any other site for that matter) that state that they are married or will not say, you will find that they use this "loveless marriage" crap line in their profiles. Now what does THAT tell you Aidy???
He told me he wanted to marry me, that he was going to leave his wife and everything would be ok
Another line to keep you at his beck and call...VERY RARELY will any married man follow through....
Maybe I am subconsciously only seeking revenge for what he did or need to clear my conscience. I will NEVER want him back so it's not that. I just feel like I owe it to the wife Yes Aidy... I think you are trying to seek revenge, it is a natural reaction after being lied to, used, and then cast aside like a piece of garbage. Probably every woman on this site has been through it in one form or another (including me) in their life, otherwise we would not be here on POF...
I do not really believe that you would not want him back after you told his wife what happened. The question you have to ask yourself is would he want YOU after telling her and trying to destroy his marriage. This is probably not the first time he has done this, nor from the looks of things will it be the last. I don't feel that you "owe" anything to the wife....
I think you need to move on and learn from this experience.  Hugs to you | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 7:54:56 PM | gon fishin...
If I see a person about to do physical harm to his kids, I'll say something. If I see physical violence happening in any way, I'll step in and try my best to put an end to it. When I saw 5 guys chase someone down and start beating his head in, I ran up there, scared them away, and called the victim an ambulance. If I see someone who is definitely visible pregnant and drinking and smoking, they may as well be knocking their baby on the head with a hammer. I say something. It's my business as a member of the society that will have to deal with the underdeveloped, FAS baby that will be prematurely born.
That situation is very different from this one. In the situation regarding smoking, there is no doubt that the woman is doing harm to her child. The advice to stop is obviously good advice. By telling her to quit smoking and drinking, I'm simply bringing to her attention the fact that people are watching and, yes, JUDGING her based on her actions. I am not doing anybody any harm by doing so. If we allowed people to freely beat their kids in public, they'd begin to think that it is okay and acceptable.
The difference lies in the fact that in the case of the married man, you could potentially do a lot of harm to this family by sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Nobody except those very close to this family could possibly even guess whether it would be better for the wife to know or not to know. | |
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| SHOULD I TELL HER???
Posted: 2/5/2006 8:04:04 PM | No. Other than revenge I can't see much reason to tell the wife. It's no longer your problem and if you tell her you will likely break up the family. Be very careful if you do because the wife may go postal and come after you...
I'd move on, learn from it and avoid the married ones... | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:05:34 PM |
nuthafish: gimme a f**in break.
I bow down to your wisdom here o' fattyjesus - and I'll take your sublime attempts to slight my ability "to form grammatically correct sentences" with a pinch of salt...
You have a lot to learn in life kiddo
The difference lies in the fact that in the case of the married man, you could potentially do a lot of harm to this family by sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Nobody except those very close to this family could possibly even guess whether it would be better for the wife to know or not to know.
Your wisdom astounds me 
Now what is the difference between a pregnant woman smoking and some guy screwing around behind his trusting wife's back? Is there a difference between "physical" abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity? Which will cause more harm to a child or family?
You make me laugh.
All I am saying is that his wife has a right to know. Who tells her, well, that's debatable, how she deals with it - that's up to her. Go speak to anyone who has been in this position in life and see what THEY say. Go and speak to children that have been in homes like this.
My 2 1/2 cents worth and I'll leave you to your opinions from here onwards.  | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:12:16 PM |
All I am saying is that his wife has a right to know.
Nutha, I think you and phat are missing the point... It is whether AIDY should be telling the wife and whether she would be doing it to get back at the husband and destroy the marriage. If that IS the case then I think that she shouldn't bother, chances are that the wife will believe the lies of the husband..... | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:16:27 PM | Yes, we're getting side-tracked here for sure musicNme
I did say earlier - if she wants to do it out of spite, then she has the wrong reason for telling him. Yes, a good chance the wife will believe the lies of the husband, although do we have the right to determine that?
IF there was a way that someone could be informed of his goings-on that was in a position to inform his wife, that would be good wouldnt it? | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:16:39 PM | phat...
can't believe you're not happily married with all the wisdom you so earnestly give...
me - ok... twice, with only three wonderful children to show for it (among many other worldly things)
just a beginner here...
peace | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:22:27 PM | Hmmmm... although..........
"Look how sweet the two of them look together, she is SO in love with him, how could we think of breaking up a beautiful marriage like that"
Point well made, ruouttherefun. | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:23:25 PM |
I bow down to your wisdom here o' fattyjesus - and I'll take your sublime attempts to slight my ability "to form grammatically correct sentences" with a pinch of salt...
Well, good. That's EXACTLY how they're meant to be taken. duh.
You have a lot to learn in life kiddo
Right. Will you be my mentor, gramps?
Is there a difference between "physical" abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity? Which will cause more harm to a child or family?
You obviously completely missed the point of my post.
The difference lies in the fact that in the case of the married man, you could potentially do a lot of harm to this family by sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.
Clearly, I didn't claim that there is a great difference in the type of abuse being delivered by the people in question. The question involves whether or not the recipient of the abuse would be better off with your intravention. In the case of the physical abuse, there is little or no doubt, therefore you can feel confident that intervening is the just thing to do. In the case of emotional abuse, you are not in the position to decide whether or not the wife and kids are better off knowing.
Sure, you may know of examples, such as your own life, where the wife is better off knowing, but there may be many examples where the opposite is true. In fact, Many excellent families may have some indescretion in their past which was kept quiet, the guilt dealt with, and overcome. The family, who never finds out, is none the worse for not knowing, though the family may have been ripped apart had someone stuck their nose where it doesn't belong.
Since the original poster is obviously not a close friend to the wife or son, she obviously has no way of knowing what is the right thing to do. She should therefore mind her own business.
This man may turn over a new leaf and never cheat again. He may continue cheating behind the woman's back. He may be honest and come clean. She may call and tell the wife, and the wife may choose to leave, stay, confront the husband, or leave it be.
Whatever the circumstance, it is a complex situation that is best left alone. Certainly, the young little tramp who decided to sleep with a married man shouldn't be the one to break the news.
If you feel so strongly about interventionist policies, perhaps you should move to the US. (hahaha) | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:30:20 PM |
All I am saying is that his wife has a right to know. Who tells her, well, that's debatable, how she deals with it - that's up to her. Go speak to anyone who has been in this position in life and see what THEY say. Go and speak to children that have been in homes like this.
All I can say is Mind your own business - Lived with it for years and I chose to look the other way. If someone brought it up - MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!!! | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:32:58 PM | I'll choose again to ignore some of the suggestions you have in you philosophical writing here fattyj.
My 21 year old son, who by the way, yes, did stop a guy harassing a woman late one night - and ended up having the crap beaten out of himself for trying to intervene - but STILL knows he did right - HE has more wisdom about life than YOU.
Move to the US? Sorry to disappoint you, o' god of the weirdos, I'll just creep back into my old grumpy grandfather's little hovel here now  | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:40:47 PM |
phat...
can't believe you're not happily married with all the wisdom you so earnestly give...
me - ok... twice, with only three wonderful children to show for it (among many other worldly things)
just a beginner here...
...So, you've failed at marriage... And that somehow makes you an expert? I come from a long line of successful, happy, loving marriages from my great grandparents to my folks to almost all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I've seen first hand what makes a great marriage.
You have already managed to fail at one marriage, and you didn't say whether or not your second is still going or if you screwed that one up as well (I'll assume you screwed it up since you're on pof)
so... You're batting 0 for 2 on the marriage thing.. I'd say that my 0 for 0 average is as good.. or better than yours. I have had many relationships, so I do have experience in life. Going through a couple of wedding ceremonies doesn't make you some sort of expert.
I believe my point was made... ...and what point would that be?
My 21 year old son, who by the way, yes, did stop a guy harassing a woman late one night - and ended up having the crap beaten out of himself for trying to intervene - but STILL knows he did right - HE has more wisdom about life than YOU.
Good for your son. I'm not sure how you could possibly make a judgement on my wisdom, since we have never met, but with comments like
you have a lot to learn in life kiddo and
You make me laugh you are obviously simply making the common mistake of attacking the person instead of the argument. | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 8:50:42 PM | Aidy, don't listen to anyone so far, it's time to embrace the bad judgements in life and run with them. I say tell the kid, and let the kid tell the mom, the news would probably be easier for her to handle this way; she loves her kid after all. Maybe you could grab the kid after school and take him on a roller coaster ride and tell him there, or help him draw a finger painting picture of daddy and daddy's other friend. Subtlety is best. Call his house and hang up 3 or 4 times a night.
Oh, and when she tracks you down, don't actually come clean and apologize directly, you can email her a link to this thread instead. | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 9:09:15 PM | i think this thread raises a lot of questions about the original poster.. this supposed relationship lasted 18 months and there has been at least 3 months cooling off time since it ended.. the poster's age is listed as 21 so that'd make her 19 when she lost her viriginty to this man and would possibly put her at age 18 when the relationship started due to the fact that she states it took a couple months before they had sex.....
call me a cynic but.....
question1) why would she even date a man
twice my age who was married and had a 6 year old son ... how did they meet? one can assume that this was a chance meeting instead of a family friend or someone she knew since childhood because the op wrote of the wife
I met her once so what's the history of how the relationship began?
question 2)
he assured me that he had a loveless marriage and that they were only together for the benefit of their son and
He told me he wanted to marry me, that he was going to leave his wife and everything would be ok. after he told her that his wife and him were together for the benefit of his son would it make any sense for her to think that it would be beneficial to his son if he was to marry her?
question 3)
If they get divorced years from now would the kid wish they hadn't raised him in a sham of a family? as opposed to her actions causing them to divorce right now? what if they remain married for many years and the boy never finds out about his dad's affair because the woman had the ability to put at least 50% of the blame on her own shoulders where it belonged rather than seeking advice from a group of people on the internet and perhaps justifying her actions from that?
question 4)
I emailed him wishing him luck with his life and asked him to never contact me again. It's been 3 months sounds to me like she got what she asked for.... except now that it's been 3 months and she hasn't had the reply she was actually hoping for it seems she's decided to raise the stakes a bit and is considering telling all to his wife.... and asking for advice here... any chance the guy mght be a member? might be a bit of a shakedown if he is....
question 5)
Things were amazing in the beginning if things were still amazing would she now be thinking about whether or not she should narc him out, or has this option only entered her mind due to the fact that he ended the relationship?
call me a cynic but i'm not too sure she's actually seeking advice, and her motives might just be a little insincere | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 9:13:29 PM | Aidy...these replies are all by people with obviously strong opinions and emotions...all good but I'm not sure how much help it is to you. May I give it a go?
If you tell the wife, your actions will be suspect NO MATTER what you believe your reasons to be. Please realize that any interferance from you will not be welcomed, your words and actions will be negatively judged by all parties (you have a vested interest and an adjenda) your intergrity will be questioned and you will gain NOTHING from your actions but more heartache. You are responsible for your own actions and none other's. Trust me, the wife either knows, or will know soon. There is absolutley nothing to be gained here. You can take some of the other posters' advice to blackmail him, but that kind of tars you with the same brush. You've messed up big. You dont need me to tell you that, but you can choose how you intend to go forth. Be a class act herein. Learn from your mistakes. The only life you can live and be responsible for is your own. Its grow up time.
Be strong, be well, take the high road whenever you can. You're hurting, but you'll heal. And you'll never make this error again. Right?? | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 9:14:28 PM | Vancouver 40:
Hmmm, maybe she met him here on POF, and she's posting this thread as a scare tactic.... | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 9:18:51 PM | | Probably a work relationship is my guess. If so, Aidy, you could send out a company memo of resignation detailing the affair. ...after telling the kid daddy loved you in ways he doesn't love mommy of course. | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 9:20:42 PM | i'm with Phat on this one all his answers are spot on.
those are commen sense life skills.
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Posted: 2/5/2006 9:31:13 PM | but P4P, I'm just talking out my ass.. I haven't been married 9 times, and have no kids, therefore I'm a useless idiot who has a LOT to learn about life.
Don't listen to anything I have to say. Only a fool would take my advice. I AM the messiah, but don't let that sway you. | |
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Posted: 2/5/2006 9:31:47 PM | | Tell her ananomously...quick note on her car windshield...at least she'll have a headsup and can figure things out from there...put a couple things in there that only someone would only know if they saw the scumbag naked. Start it off as my friends cousin has been screwin your husband....regardless what anyone has said she deserves a headsup and who cares about your reasons...everyone wether they admit it or not would want to know if they are living a lie..life is too short. | |
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