| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/17/2006 9:43:27 PM | Looker,
Your words really warmed my heart. Thank you for sharing your kind words with me, and for reading my words with an open heart. Getting into an abusive relationship, and then having two children with him, is one of the most unexplainable things that has ever happened to me. Abusers are so sly and insidious in the ways that they trap their victims. I know it's almost impossible for people who have never been in our shoes to understand. And, unfortunately, many abusers were victims themselves, so those of us with warm hearts have reasons to feel compassion for them - something that hurts everyone in the end.
Good luck in your recovery. Your blessings mean a lot to me. Even though it's been hard, and still is, I know that I'm in the best position I can be to give my kids the things they need.
Smiles | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/17/2006 10:06:18 PM | @ the OP......Leave NOW!!! It doesn't get better it gets worse!! I know this first hand and when I discovered his abuse of my son, I packed us up and left the jerk. The only reason I didn't know was he's beat my son while I was at work, and threatened my little guy with death if he told. I then got a restraining order, as he also threatened my family's life and pulled a loaded gun on me. Save your children and yourself and get outta there!
My son has his issues now because of it, but I am finally getting through to him, and he's slowly getting back to being normal.....not so prone to being so angry at the world and having these fits of anger and violence. He's now 24 and doing well for himself. Thank God!!
He is always comming over and hugging me and telling me that he loves me, which is the best feeling in the world.
Take care of your little children first than work on healing you. Being codependant and enabling that creeping monster, will only destroy them. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 2/19/2006 1:16:31 PM | As long as it takes to.....Drop him like a.....Bad Habit !!! It may seem like everything will fall apart and there is a...measure of security in being involved for quite a few years but I can assure you....though it may take time,you will survive and eventually find the one that will take away the pain and hurt JD | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/3/2006 12:14:43 PM | | Buddgirl you did the right thing and it's what our abused g/f should do as well. From a past career, I can tell you that, unless you seek counselling, you will gravitate towards the same sort of relationship on the next go-round. You should concentrate on improving your own self esteem and know yourself for the wonderful, intelligent and caring woman that you are. You need to realize that you are not deserving of the type of treatment you have been receiving but may never realize that until you know your own value. Best of luck. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/3/2006 12:19:25 PM | | my advice? verbally abusive, drinking problem, etc. Get out. Due to his problem, he is unable to be a stable healthy dependable partner. he has had plenty of time to change, and he has not done so yet, so, most likely he will not. Get out now while you still have some of your sanity left. He is an antisocial person... | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/3/2006 12:32:34 PM | I too was married to someone who was verbally abusive, when he was drinking. We separated after a year of marriage, were apart for 10 months, and it seemed like he had changed, so we got back together. We have separated for the last time last year. The final straw came when he came home drunk on what would of been the 1st time we sat down for dinner together with my daughter who was visiting from out west. He went on that night about me not being there for him...well how can you be there for someone when they are always getting drunk?
I'm sorry I can't remember the name of the author, but there is a very good book out there recommended to me by a marriage counsellor. It's called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" it's a purple book, and a very good read.
You know you will feel better when you're out on your own, you must have friends and family who will listen, and will probably be able to come forward now and be honest with you about being glad that he's out of the picture. You'll be amazed after a few months, how you will feel much better...trust me. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/3/2006 12:55:18 PM | well faith, you need to tell your husband to take that "one way ticket" & shove it up his, well you get my point. and you`ve asked how long you should stay in your marriage for? you should have gotten out a-l-o-n-g time ago! why are you staying w/him? please don`t say "for the sake of the children"! your children KNOW whats going on, they hear EVERYTHING. if you don`t get out now; your children might just fall into this pattern that your in now & i`m sure you don`t want that for them right?! if money isn`t an issue with you, then i suggest you leave him TODAY & get a restraining order in effect asap! good luck!  | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/3/2006 8:32:28 PM | | And that is why she has a duty to do as a mother^^^^^^^^^^^^^^And i agree with you.....But what is it with unstable women that satay with these men....The point is the children pay the price....Look if a woman is unstable sticking with MR.Rough and Tough....Then she has no business with kids...If you people see it different...Then you have no compassion for kids....And i say again she has a duty to do!!!!!!!PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/3/2006 8:53:50 PM | How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Long enough to flatten his head in with a cast iron frying pan while he sleeps...
I appologise if anyone else has already said this in a previous responce..I have not read all the replys I just had to make a comment....lol | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/3/2006 9:23:49 PM | It's important to start rebuilding your self-esteem so that you can think straight. I can't say if you are ready to leave. I stayed in my marriage long after most people thought I should go, but I am not sorry because I felt certain at the time I left that I had done everything possible to make it work. If you aren't ready to leave yet, take baby steps to give yourself that option. Sneak a little money into a private account, make sure that you have a credit rating of your own and protect it. These steps will help you feel more in control and better able to make a good decision. You have more power than you know. I hope that you can find a way to connect with that, counseling would probably help. God does not want His children to live the way that you are living.
Deetoyou has a good point. Don't put yourself through the agony of getting involved w/a string of men that are all like this. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/4/2006 3:36:55 AM | | You people make me sick!!!!!!!!!!How about the kids?You do not think putting kids in the middle of a toxic relationship will effect them emotionally and mentally in the future...If you can say yes...Then why in the frig would anybody tell her to stick around more than a minute....You must have issues yourselves....If you say no or the latter...Then i must say you have a lot of growing up to do yourselves....You have to excuse me!!!!I have been around this type of enviroment...I had a uncle beat up his wife...A bum...Yell in front of his kids...I called the LAW!!!!!Thank god!!!!!She would not do her job...Have you people ever heard of motherhood...I doubt it...Going by what i hear....Sometimes i wonder about this world...I can see why sometimes the kids these days turn out the way they do...KIds having kids!!!!It is sad.. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/4/2006 4:47:51 AM |
How much more of me do I loose waiting for him to change? How do I get over the fear of being alone even though money won't be a problem? I was in the same situation, my first hubby and I married when I was 19, he was abusive in all manners, I had become his personal punching bag...I tell you from experience that he will NEVER change..my ex has just now divorced wife #3...rather she divorced him for the same reasons I did...and trust me...the fear of being alone is far less then the fear of being beaten to death in a fit of rage over some trifle matter. But what I do suggest is after you leave him...take the time to find out who YOU are...cause for so long you have changed who you really are for him...either cause he wanted the changes or you had to make the changed in order to survive...I have been single for over a year and a half and I'm just now starting back into the dating scene....It is important that you take the time for you and that you learn that YOU can make it on your own...that you dont NEED someone in your life to do it for you yet when the time is right and your self esteem is better and you know you can make it on your own that you will WANT someone there beside you....and the first one that comes into you life will have to be a strong person...for you will fear whoever you do start to see that he will be like your ex...you will unconsiously push his buttons to see how far he will go....but before you worry about having someone else in your life...take the time to find out who YOU really are inside....and who YOU want to be  | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/4/2006 9:02:14 AM | | after years of abuse you lose the part of yourself that says I Can. You end up with no self respect or self esteem. you feel that the only way you can survive is if you have this person telling you how. I know I've been there and I got out. It wasn't easy and I almost went back. Difference is I was told I was not allowed to work I had to stay home with the children. So there was no income. However I pulled myself out of it and gained my self-respect and esteem back and kept moving forward. It wasn't easy, learning who you are again and the kind of person you are is hard. Pray everyday and never give up on yourself. I wish you the best of luck and I'll pray for you as well. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/4/2006 9:22:20 AM | Faith... Today I would put up with it about as long as it took me to tell him to get the fook out and not come back. If he is dumb enough to try to get back with me... I would deal with the situation in a more permenent fashion.
10 years ago though I ws in the same place that you are... Living with abuse, thinking it was something that I really needed to get away from and plotting my escape. My kids and I escaped and occasionally still have to deal with the fallout.
Counseling helps... so does learning _how_ others have survived. Make sure that you have an attorney who really KNOWS his or her stuff when it comes to abuse issues, far too many say that they "are experienced" in dealing with abuse issues only to let their clients down or place them in situations that are dangerous. Check with your local Women's Resource Center for a list of attorneys that they recommend for abuse issues. THe ones that the WRC is likely to refer REALLY know their stuff.
It IS possible to not only survive but also to thrive. Don't worry about being "alone"... it will be a LONG time before he "gets the message" and moves on with his life and leaves you alone and by then you will have gotten used to being alone and will most likely have lost the fear.
Seli | |
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