| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 7:30:17 AM | very true tarheelman, very true... some women seem to enjoy the irony. But as i said above, it perplexes me as to why ANYBODY would want to be in a abusive dysfunctional relationship more than 5 minutes! Its strange that in American society women tend to think that words like anybody exclude them, and dont sugar coat things as they'd like.
Whats even more ironic is that at least 90% of women are in denial about the fact that they are half the equation! Even though the man was abusive in this case, which is wrong, again... why stay????????? | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 10:22:43 AM | You need to seek therapy so that you understand why you stayed as long as you did and so you don't do the same thing again with someone else that is the same.
My mother divorced my father when we were young, he was an alcoholic, about 8yrs later she moved in with a guy who beat her badly all the time, after 4 yrs she finally left after we told her that we couldn't take it anymore, he was beating us and that we would go to the police. He also drank a lot. His beatings have resulted in her ill health today.
A few years later, she met and married a man who was a nice guy but also an alcoholic, and controlling. She was married over 20yrs to him, her bad health which he covered up to her children resulted in us taking her out of the situation.
I don't understand all the why's as to why women stay with, or choose the same type of man in every relationship. There are a lot of reasons, I understand that, I myself was in a controlling relationship, which sadly as I don't wish death on anyone ended a few years ago. I won't allow myself to be in that situation again even if it means being by myself for the rest of my life. I owe myself more than that.
I guess by telling you that I hope that you will consider therapy and that you won't rush into the same type of relationship again because you are lonely. And faith, you'll never be totally alone, you have your children and you have a better future ahead of you, and judging from the amount of responses to your post, you have friends. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 11:23:39 AM | | faithhopelove6, its is a very hard choice to make and i too found it difficult, it wont be easy and you will feel alone but you will find a way though your darkest times but you really must leave this man who will only drag you down lower, get out while you still have some strenth. I divorced my husand about 7 years ago, coping with my 4 children alone and still do. He too spent my wages on drink, cider mainly and was abusive and untrusting, accusing me of having affairs whilst i was the one out working. My children and i needed him to leave and making that choice was hard but it was the best for all of us, Since he went yes, we've had our problems and blackspots but we've come through them happier and healthier mentally that we would have been if he had stayed. There is a life out there much better than you are now experiencing, for your own sanity get rid of this 'man' if he can be called that and find the life you truly believe. Good luck. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 12:47:22 PM | None of you people are helping ( with few exceptions)... you are telling her what she wants to hear. Instead, let let her look deeper and ask herself why, and see what part she had in it.
How quickly people like tarhell get ridiculed for his opinion in here is a common trait of human denial by those who want shortcuts to thinking about themselves,and their life choices... which is ego centricism w/ an inferiority complex. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 12:54:24 PM | | we may well be telling her what in your view she wants to hear but unless you have been there and survived it, which incidentally from your comment, ' what part she had in it' leads to me think that you somehow believe that it was partly her fault her partner became an alcoholic, i dont think you will ever truly understand just how unimportant and useless an alcoholic partner can make you feel | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 3:05:57 PM |
None of you people are helping ( with few exceptions)... you are telling her what she wants to hear. Instead, let let her look deeper and ask herself why, and see what part she had in it.
How quickly people like tarhell get ridiculed for his opinion in here is a common trait of human denial by those who want shortcuts to thinking about themselves,and their life choices... which is ego centricism w/ an inferiority complex.
I actually agree with the first statement. Unless the OP looks to the reasons why this occurred and why she allowed it to occur in the first place, she may repeat the cycle, even if/when she gets out of this relationship.
However, I sensed a hostility in THM's post that is also not helpful. This kind of relationship can sneak up on you due to the chipping away of your self-esteem that occurs. I don't condone staying. I agree it is a bad situation for children. But as a practical matter, it is better to support the woman (usually it's a woman) in attempts to better her situation than it is to further attack her self worth, because it is a lack of understanding her value and ability as a person that usually tie her to the relationship. And, I know that is very hard to understand if you have not gone through it. Because it is very hard for me looking back to understand the person that I was then. And I don't see how being hostile to someone helps them get over an inferiority complex? It isn't really so much that the facts are wrong, but the approach is not helpful.
I also think the points regarding larger social forces being partially responsible was interesting. But we are responsible for our responses to those forces. Yes, that includes deciding to stay in a bad relationship. But, it also includes the person who decides to strike out at others. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 3:26:04 PM | Not true Tarheelman... I have been out for 7 years now and to be brutally honest there are some things that will NEVER happen in my life again. Trusting ANY man without PROOF that they are trustworthy is one of them.
Telling someone (ANYONE) that they are an "idiot" is just as abusive as doubling up your fist and punching them in the mouth is.
For the OP... The Bible gives MEN specific directions on being a husbnd and father IF your husband isn't following those instructions (and being abusive in ANY way is not following them) then he has violated the contract that biblical marriage is and you have grounds for not only a civil divorce but also a religious annulment.
Seli | |
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walton
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Joined: 1/9/2006
Msg: 162 | |
| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:17:26 PM | I can only speak for myself...my children were my courage.I left after being with someone for 11 years. I left, and still felt trapped inside my self. My family and friends were a wonderful support.I think counselling is key for sure...you have to get right with yourself first....find yourself again. Unfortunatly,I did not go for counselling, I am one of 'those' that have since allowed him back in.(mainly a fear of the unknown). The one question that I was asked during all this that really stuck in my head is' Ask yourself, are you in love with him? Or the person he once was? (for the record, he isn't abusive verbally or physically...he just likes to mess with my head a lot, and just didn't grow up like I had to when we had children).....14 years into it now............I wish you the best of luck | |
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dud
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Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 164 | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/6/2006 7:02:27 AM | I agree that this type of abuse chips away at you... but once again i ask, what is the fidelity to the original? People dont live the first 13 years of their life w/ the ideaology that they are going to be abusive to the opposite (or same) sex. It started somewhere. Of course we have choices, but what people are failing to see is that as you mentioned this chips away at people... at our very psyche. It is behavioral science 101. The prison system is big buisness... and organized religion (even non-denomanational), law enforcement & the judicial system are just an extension of that big buisness.
I dont believe people can heal unless they stop the dysfunctional family tree. My Sister and i have both said,"The dysfunctionlaism stops here".... and it is. All it takes is a decision to let go of the past and forgive others... and especially forgive yourself.
Do something nice for someone today.
Shenandoah... when you wrote about 1 year in a program, it has often been said that in your first year of sobriety (AA) that you should not be in a relationship...as you are embarking on a new way of life, and a lot of people in AA dont do relationships well... or people that suffer from the ism's dont do them well. Were u referring to the program of AA? | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/6/2006 7:26:13 PM |
My Sister and i have both said,"The dysfunctionlaism stops here".... and it is. All it takes is a decision to let go of the past and forgive others... and especially forgive yourself.
This is an absolute truth, you have to determine to end the cycle and I have the utmost respect for you and your sister for doing so. I also would add, if you need help to make the decision and end the cylce, there is no shame in seeking counseling. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/6/2006 9:15:44 PM | | Being a Martyr is the same as being an enabler...in a co-dependent relationship, it takes the abuser, AND an enabler to function. In this case..you're being an enabler, and ALLOWING this person to treat you and your children this way. Is this how you want to see yourself? Sadly..it takes a good long hard look in a mirror...do you really want to be the fuel that feeds this fire? Or do you want to break free and quit being the other half of this bad scene? I know others have been really horrible about it, and my words might scream the same way, but you DO have to take responsibility for ALLOWING this to pass. If you have to ask a forum board when it's enough..maybe that's a sign that you aren't happy with being co-dependent, and that's great. Now step outside the box and begin taking the steps to fix it. Read up on co-dependency, and realize what your part in this is. Maybe you'll find the strength in yourself to move on, and not jump right back into a similar situation. Don't you owe it to your children, AND yourself? | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/8/2006 11:59:29 AM | | I am so sorry to hear that you have put up with this for 24 years. Please, for yourself and for your kids, get out. I read your entire story, and I can completely relate. Sadly, what it took for me to get out of the relationship was a miscarriage. I had been with this guy for about 3 years (very short period of time compared to you) and I was about to marry him. Actually, I had called off the engagement once. He did all the same things to me that your husband did to you. He even went so far as to fake employment and steal my money (sometimes drink away paychecks in one night, and that was the rent money! We were constantly running from angry landlords, etc... and worst of all, I am 20 years old, and my credit is SHOT because everything was under my name. But anyways, this isn't my story, I just wanted to give you some background... trust me. The first months, maybe even the first year because it has been a long time for you, will be hard. But I woke up, and realized that I was more alone with him, than I could ever be by myself. He molded me into a person I hated, I was socially challenged and was so scared to be alone. I thought nobody else would ever "love" me. Since then, I have gone on lots of dates, and I now have a wonderful new boyfriend and I think this is the first time I have ever actually been in love. I really hope that you find the strength to leave. Believe me, it is all worth it. I am happier than I have ever been, because I learned to love myself and build a life for myself. I hope you find that as well | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/8/2006 12:57:56 PM | | what you describe is binge drinking, sober for a time then drunk. You will leave him when you feel better about yourself. We can always find an excuse to stay with someone who abuses us, money, the kids, no job and so on. Don't wait until you get injured to make up you mind, help is available to you for, school, a place to live, food for the children and a fresh start learning about yourself. A support group in your area would be a good place to start, you are not alone, just ask. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/8/2006 1:33:25 PM | Honey, your growing up..as an individual..we all have to have the freedom to be all we can be..he is keeping that 18 year old strapped to your back like a ton of bricks..causing a great burden in your life..you are detaching but it's very hard for you to make that first step..
YOU AND ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THAT FIRST STEP..
there should be in your community a haven for abused women..find them and let them know what you are planning on doing..and may need their services in the near future..because when you DO make that first step..you know all hell is going to happen..so find a place..small hotel room seek shelter..talk to your preacher what your plans are and think of Plan A Plan B Plan C..and stick to it..
Talk to your preacher about this need to grow..and what options you have..this may help you gain the strength to decide to take this burden on full force..once you get established on your own..guess what..that 18 year old will disapear and a women will take her place and a smile with show on her face that has not been there for a while..my prayers are with you honey..take care | |
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