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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 5/25/2006 1:12:15 PM | You are worth so much more than that. Don't ever let anyone make you feel small. By surrounding yourself with such a negative energy, I can picture you shrinking as you told your story. You said yourself you lost 25 pounds. But you lost so much more.
Every time you allowed him to speak to you that way. Everytime you allowed him to cheat and come back home. Every time you took any of his crap.... You were allowing him to degrade you, make you feel like you were worthless. Making you feel, look, and act, "small".
Everybody in the world is worth the same amount. Just not everyone portrays their worth. Everyone in this world has been put here for a purpose. You may not see it blatently in front of you, sometimes it takes some searching. Sometimes they may be there to touch the life one, who will go on and do significant and courageous acts. In turn, the other person is worth as much. If you follow your instincts, instead of your swirling mind of endless thoughts, you will always make the right choice.
The difference between animals and humans, is that humans THINK too much. The more that we are in tune with our instincts, as are the animals, and the more that we act solely on those instincts, instead of what we THINK is right after hours of humming and hawing, you will find that your life flows with ease, and things will always turn out okay.
My best advice to you is to take a seminar, or two or three, on personal Development. I work as an image consultant in Toronto, and have taken these seminars myself, and am now working with individuals to better their confidence and self-esteem. It is the best thing I think anyone can do for themselves. It teaches you so much on how to be in tune with yourself, the universe, and live a positive lifestyle, surrounded by positive energies. http://www.personalgrowthcentre.com is a fabulous program based out of Toronto, but I am sure there are others just as great.
Hope this helps. Feel free to contact me if you need a friend. I never check these forums.
Just remember... Live life for you. And Live life for your children.
And we will just call the past 24 years a learning experience. What you learned is how you never you want to be treated again; how nobody should ever have to be treated again; and definitely how you will never allow someone to treat you again.
Be strong, and be true to your own self. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 5/25/2006 1:31:16 PM | Oh girl...................I have never posted on here before but when I read your message, I couldn't help myself. You MUST have the strength to leave him and you CAN!! I have been in your shoes twice. I stayed wtih a verbally abusive man for 10 years and gave him two children. Finally when he struck one of them I found the strength to leave him. I gave up everything, a beautiful home too and just walked away with the kids. I can tell you horror stories about the names I was called and the cruel, cruel things he did to haunt me. I am intelligent and strong willed but somehow over the years he wore me down and I gained weight and gave up my job outside the home and most my friends and I was right where he wanted me, totally his with no identity of my own. So guess what I did after I divorced him? I married an alcoholic. This man was gentle, sweet, hard working and loved by all, including me, but he drank whenever he wasn't at work. It cost us a fortunate and it was so incredibly lonely and stressful. Everytime he got behind the wheel I prayed. The sad part is he still loves me but not enough to give up his beer. He was never abusive but I was responsible for so much because he was always "stupid" when he drank. He wouldnt' even remember conversations we'd had. A year and a half ago I took a good look at my life and what my children were suffering through and I asked him to move out, which he did. We have remained friends but I have never, ever regretted it. I have a huge mortgage, a lot of yard and home to maintain, I lost our entire social group because they are all drinkers and I have been through HELL to make ends meet. But you know what? I did it and you can too. In the process I found a better job, became a Christian, lost weight, got healthier both mind and body and I have had so much fun. I have been dating and met some really great men. So far I haven't met the soulmate for me but I've made some good friends and I am proud of myself.
If I could turn back time, I would have spared my children this, it will affect them for the rest of their lives because of decisions I made. So pick your head up, find the strength inside you, give up the fears to GOD and leave him. He might really love you, he might even be a really nice guy but he has a problem and you can't help him with it, you have to save YOU. Good luck!!! | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 5/25/2006 1:41:12 PM | To answer your original question, how long should you stick around. I would say only as long as it takes you to get to the door. This guy is beyond help. You can send him to see people but he will not change. He is a drunk abusive ba$tard. You should have left him 20 years ago. If you want to be unhappy for longer you can drag it out with him. In the end you will have to leave him so its better to do it sooner than later.
Fear of being alone? You mean missing the abuse? Missing the cheating (he lied about lying, he did cheat), missing him putting down your religion, missing a man that really doesnt give a damn about you?
Get out and do not feel bad about it. It is his loss and you are really better off without him.  | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 5/25/2006 2:03:08 PM | Dear FaithHopeLove,
OUCH! sorry you hurt! I have no reason to believe that you are not telling the truth.
As I read your piece I had questions. Maybe they will help.
You say he is a Christian, but will not love you as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it. Verbal abuse is a form of unontrolled anger. He is too proud to seek help when the helpmate asks him too- He is acting foolish.
Maybe you question should be, can I be more emotionally healthy ifI separate from him and NEVER go back unless he has PROVED he has worked on himself and changed. What damamge is it doing to the children? Will they pass it on becuase you refused to strand up to him?
He refuses your request by saying you are not perfect....at least you are SEEKING answers..good for you.
He wants all the bills paid first.. and the mortgage maybe...nice but not realistic..This is just a smokescreen to keep him from taking responsibility.
You do not know me but I recommend you speak to a counselor at 1-800-A-Family. They can give you a free one-hour consultation and refer you to further help as you are ready to receive it. Secular counselors can be found in the 211 information system through your local United Way.
Less than 5% of abusers are ever willing to go for counseling. Your odds are not good. Only one of 8 couples that separate ever try to get together again.
You are responsible for your life and He cannot keep you out of Heaven. It is yours to choose for yourself, not for Him. You will not be ex-communicated for legal separation or divorce in the American Catholic Church.
I understand if a Morman husband divorces his wife that she cannot go to mormon heaven. One more reason to not go that direction.
Maybe he will gp to a Catholic or Protestant Marriage Encounter where you can work things out. From the other entries you would be in the minority.
I wish there were simple solutions in life like care, communication, and change.
Keep asking questions until you find your answers!
Take care,
TXLover | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 5/25/2006 2:05:52 PM | | This thread pertains to me huh? Well.. I put up with mine for 12 years. My thought was to "stay in it for the kids." But then I thought... who wants a child to learn all the things the man can do and the woman has to put up with it? So I got a divorce "for the kids." And my attorney totally agreed with me, so it was an easy divorce. Do NOT perpetuate the cycle of violence...get out before the kids think they can get away with being abusive too. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 6/12/2006 6:31:12 PM | | Get out and never look back.Go to a counsolor or some where and find out why you not only put up with this abuse but why you allowed your children to endure it with you.Your so called husband is a sicko and needs whipped but take your children and make a clean brake once and for all.Learn to like your self and get some respect for your self.Good luck but dont stay in this mess anymore. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 6/20/2007 7:11:10 AM | First off, let me say that I am in awe as to some of the replies to this post......sounds like a few angry people!!
Being a martial arts instructor, my philosophy has always been "if you think like a victim, you are a victim".
In response to the question, the time to get out is right after the first time there is abuse, as it only gets worse!!!
I had a lady friend came to my house one night at 3:00 AM. When I answered the door, her face was covered in blood, and I knew right away what happened. I offered to go have a talk with this guy (guess that sounds nicer than saying I was going to send him on a vacation to the hospital in traction). I cleaned her up, let her go lay down in one of the bedrooms and told her we would talk about it in the morning. I got up and was making breakfast for us when she came walking out of the room all ready to leave. I asked her where she was going and she said home....I said to what and why....and her response was "I love him and he's not always like that"!!! Bulls**t!!!
I told her if she went back there again, rather than to let me get help for her, not to come ringing my bell the next time, and we all know there would be a next time.
Bottom line is to get out while you are still alive!!!
Guys like that really piss me off, but unfortunately, it is the woman that empowers them to keep doing it by standing for it!!....Nuff said.....Get out!!! | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 10/12/2009 12:05:57 AM | until she gets out of denial, realizes she's a codependent ((gor which their areagreat books, meetings for,and learns to put her own sanity first. I reccomend al-anon-it will help you get your center and resolve back. We know it aint easy, but many of us have been there-it can get better, if you committ to yourself | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:19:30 AM | msg187: wzrdmjk, Thanks we believe the same philosophy" if you think like a victim, you are a victim", Treat others with respect and dignity as you want to be treated...
In this forum some women thinks I am a man, or cold hearted because of my philosophy. I don't judge these women /men who disrespect their self to suffer pain because ,they don't want to part with their man/woman who are verbal and physical abusive , and their excuse is they loved them, until the person snuff the life of them ????? | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 10/12/2009 10:03:20 AM | | I have been there, I stayed with him until the end. End meaning he committed sucide, with the drinking, and the pills he took. Its been 2 years and now I am dealing with my children not having a dad. I still can't tell you if it would have been better for him to be around or not. I loved him with all my heart, to much I think, and it caused many problems. The things I found out after he was gone was as if I didn't know him at all. God knows I can't give advice on this being I was in your shoes, just really think about what you and the kids need. | |
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| How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 10/15/2009 9:24:03 PM | | That obviously is an extremely difficult situation, but I would advise the relationship to come to a sudden halt because there is no justification for any kind of abuse (verbal or physical). Men rarely will admit to being the victim of either, but when it happens to you no matter who you are it takes its toll and the best thing to do is to find a way to remove yourself from it. It sounds to me like you know what you need to do. Make a change for yourself and find the happiness you deserve. | |
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