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| | Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?Page 11 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) | | Separated people can't get married because they are already married. What if I want to be married someday? As I am evaluating potential mates, who puts me closer to that goal? A guy who is already divorced by at least a couple of years with all the same attributes I want, or a guy who is still married but "separated" with a long way to yet to go before he is truly available, no longer angry, has faced the fear of potentially being alone forever, and has an ex-wife who has done the same? The best bet, although not a guarantee, is the first choice. It is a similar situation with someone who is still living with his lover but says they are "just friends" and he is free to date. It is not quite as risky because the psychological impact of being married is greater; however, it is still in a high risk category because he should be more sensitive to people he is dating to realize he is created an unnecessary psychological barrier to love by continuing to live with his "former" lover. Remove the roadblocks, and people will be more likely to open up. Remember, most people have been hurt by life. Are you not suppose to be more loving in that regard and be sensitive to the needs of potential mates in order to build trust and encourage a love connection? Or, you can dig in your heals and get angry at them for being afraid of the flags you "separated" people are throwing up for them. You represent "Danger, danger, Will Robinson!". Don't be such jerks about that and change your status if you want to play in our sandbox instead of just moving the sand around. And, treating single women like whores at your disposable is more than not nice (and, unfortunately, a belief system that a lot of men have - married or not). | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 10/30/2010 2:02:02 AM | That's "disposal", not "disposable".
And, getting back to the idea of single women as whores to be used by men in whichever way they choose...just a note to single women. It is important to realize that our society is still discriminatory toward women and it shows in a very hurtful, hurtful way in this context. Women don't realize when they get a divorce that their status changes quite significantly in the eyes of society. Many, many men think that single women are put on the earth to meet their needs only and they are not obligated in any way to reciprocate. Male privilege still dictates that they can take (and take, and take) with no consequences or repercussions. Their wives deserved some respect because they chose them; single women are there to feed the male population sex whether the guy is married or not, and do not deserve respect because no one has chosen them, or taken them in to protect them. So, it is very important that you do NOT give in to sex over and over thinking that you are going to get a relationship in return. You have to really evaluate the guy's character, his situation, his thought processes, his emotional state. It is very difficult to do this because people often lie, I know. And, it takes time to do this type of evaluation and while this time is being spent together, he's trying to get you over to his house to have sex with you (and doesn't give a rat's ass about character and evaluations). Be careful. People are rotten, including the women he will pit you against (to see if you'll fight for him and build his ego). It is pretty much stacked against the single woman but sometimes it happens (mutual love, I mean). | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 10/30/2010 3:00:15 AM | I don't know if this is good advice, but I won't date the separated. I state that in my profile too. I am not comfortable w/ that. I don't want to develop feelings w/ some man , and then he says, guess what , I'm going back to my wife.(Seems that's what happened in your case)
They need time to heal ,and someone separated is still married.
Personally I wouldn't take that risk.
If the marrige is done, they'll get a divorce, and I don't understand the "separated" process. That means there's a chance they will get back together. You are putting your heart at risk when you date these type of people.
When he left his wife the 2nd time, he could have called you, but he didn't, Maybe you weren't so compatible after all | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 10/30/2010 6:39:49 AM | | Why would you want to date a separated guy? He is still married. Even if he got a divorce he is going to have a hell of alot of baggage that comes with the trauma of divorce. Life is too short to put up with that and everyone (men and women) deserve so much better than this. | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 10/30/2010 8:08:43 AM | | Wait for the ink to be dry on the paper(divorce) And health insurance is a bogus reason to stay married (if they try to feed you that line of crap) My ex was on my policy for about 2 yrs After the divorce . Relationships are hard enough anyway, so to put yourself in that position is unwise. They (the separated ) have the best of both worlds They are still married, yet they still get to date. Don't short change yourself by settling for this. jmo. | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 10/30/2010 1:30:08 PM | From the OP: About every 3 weeks or so, his ex would hear we went out and she'd come beckoning for him and he'd go running..each time I'd be cool and tell him to follow his heart and do what he needed to do.
Since this was originally posted more than four years ago I suspect the OP has gained more experience and moved on, but the above should be bronzed in lights for anyone thinking about dating a separated person.
Behavior speaks louder than words. I don't care "what" someone says about being over an ex and just waiting for final papers or whatever, they are NOT over an ex if they go running after them repeatedly. Don't be a fool and dismiss obvious signs. It seems everyone has to be burned at least once to gain wisdom, but after that the onus is on "you" to not repeat the mistake. | |
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| dating separated people
Posted: 7/9/2011 10:34:38 PM | | I am a man separated for 1 1/2 years and 9 months into divorce. The divorce was my wife's idea. I'm not sure of the reason, but my wife has no problem getting dates online. The standard for men is quite lower than the standard most women have. On the otherhand, although I am honest and upfront, I have yet to meet anyone in person. I'm 63 and do not want to wait to start my life over. I search only for ladies that want to hang out or want a companion for activities. Many of the women who say they are not looking for a relationship really are looking for a long term relationship. | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 7/10/2011 2:50:00 AM | | i wdnt meet anyone who says theyre seperated cos they could possibly go back to their wife, and i find it rather odd when they say theyve been seperated for a 2 years plus. why so long? i got seprated in april 1999 and divorced by september 1999 | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 7/10/2011 3:18:27 AM | i find it rather odd when they say theyve been seperated for a 2 years plus. why so long?
You won't know unless you ask. My fiancee was seperated when I met her. She had been seperated for two years. Her health insurance was through her husband and in order for her to pick up, move to another city and start over, she needed that health insurance until she could get health insurance through a new employer. That put a distance of 200 miles between her and her soon-to-be ex, which was a lot more seperation than many divorced couples put between each other. If she still had any interest in her ex, she wouldn't have moved 200 miles away for the sole purpose of starting over without him.
I didn't have much difficulty figuring out right away that her ex was never going to be in the picture. She's never talked to her ex in person since she and I met and in the 8 months between the time I met her and the time the divorce papers were filed and became final, the few phone calls and emails they exchanged were for the purpose of getting the divorce papers signed and filed. It's a lot better to make a decision by how much contact a person has with an ex or any exes, be that person single, seperated or divorced than to base the decision on the person's legal status.
I'm not sure why so many people have hard and fast rules that only eliminate potential partners without actually accomplishing the objective for which the rules were imposed. It's like judgment gave way to a red flag checklist. | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 7/10/2011 7:28:28 AM |
I'm not sure why so many people have hard and fast rules that only eliminate potential partners without actually accomplishing the objective for which the rules were imposed. It's like judgment gave way to a red flag checklist.
In my case..bad experiences.
That is an individual choice. Burned once badly by dating, getting involved emotionally with separated women, only to be "dumped", as they moved on. Makes me think about whether I would continue seeking someone for a relationship, if they were in that category.
I was assured, in the first instance it was over, and it was. But, what I didn't know I was the way stop/knock off the dating rust, during the divorce, I thought our relationship would continue afterwards. It didn't. They cited that they were married for so long, didn't have the experience in dating a lot of guys, and wanted to experience that. My come back was..why didn't you say that upfront and why did you get as involved as we did?
Retort: Sorry. But, I want to date other guys.
This last one..I could have easily gotten involved as much as the first..but decided to stay back a bit..and that turned out to be better for me.
Both were separated long term..one got on..the other..not real sure, but do know it was not going anywhere with me, or if anywhere, it was headed for heartache for me.
Would I rule dating a separated person out completely? I don't know.
I'd have to talk to that person, find out what the circumstances are/desired/wanted...but then again, things change. There is no guarantee in life at all except demise.
So..it is an individual preference, usually brought about by a bad experience. | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 7/28/2011 7:15:24 AM | This is just my own personal belief... I truly believe that when you go through a divorce it's important to take time for yourself to reevaluate your life and the part you play in relationships. I think a person is doomed to repeat past relationship mistakes if they don't take the time necessary to learn & grow from what went wrong and move on to a better emotional state. Most people (not all) who jump from relationship to relationship don't find a healthy long-term partner and tend to carry around a lot of emotional baggage. Eventually that baggage spills all over the new person in their life.
Someone who is seperated isn't even out of their current relationship yet, so they obviously haven't been able to take the time necessary to heal from that whole situation. I have no desire to be someones rebound. | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 7/28/2011 7:49:56 AM | I have been separated for a long, long time. I have kind of given up on the other fella' but I am not rushing into a situation that might be worse. We remain close friends without benefits. Find it very hard to explain that to people who contact me. As a result of my hesitation to risk it all I am not dating...I am fishing for friends. Meeting people and going out with my friends has helped me to get through these past few years. I think that you just get to the point where you give up on the one you are separated from and move ahead with your life. This takes time. Honestly, my hesitation stems from the fear of getting hooked up with someone who would try to take over my life.
When people ask me what I am planning for the future...I shy away. You see I am staying in today...enjoying my life and not much more than that. Not relationship material at this point. FW  | |
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| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 7/28/2011 1:56:53 PM | Good grief !
You know, I never should have gotten back in a car the day after that accident I had...
Wow, guess I can't go to NY again (much less into a "skyscrapper") since 911...
Given all the airline accidents that occur every year that nixes air travel too...
Best of all, according to someone elses "rules of dating", if my date tomorrow has a divorce decree in hand (ink still wet) that MUST mean they're good to go right ? No emotional issues whatsoever right ??
A piece of paper (divorce decree) is just that, legal scribbling. Has no correlation to ones soul or emotional maturity.
"Healing time" is relative. Too subjective to measure until you actually witness the boomerang boyfriend behavior the OP did. Dump him just as you would someone else who was NEVER married but displayed equally odd but unrelated behavior. | |
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