|
|
|
|
|
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/10/2006 6:44:55 PM | HMMM, well this is focussing on the legal institution of marriage, separation is like purgatory by the sounds of it....a strange and dangerous no-mans-land of emotional limbo...crap!
I'm not sure it's terribly different from anyone who's exiting a meaningful relationship, with or without the marriage certificate...getting involved with such creatures is a risky undertaking. Is the possibility of marital reconcilliation between your lover and his ex a bigger risk than reconcilliation between your lover and his ex-girlfriend? Emotions are emotions. | |
|
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/10/2006 7:39:22 PM | quote
I just love how people are quick to judge. Probably because we all base our knowledge and learned behaviours on our past experiences. Well we all have our thresholds of comfort and I guess for some people dealing with a separated person is just too stressful or not worth the trouble.
/quote
Well , Anenigma. I agree with what you are saying. I am just spouting off about the general N population on how I feel. The N population is not wrong, I just don't agree with their viewpoint based on my feelings at this time and my unique situation. So, it is good that people are saying how they feel about it on this thread.
It just boils down to two people talking and just coming to some agreement or compromise.
Cheers, Ronetregnis | |
|
| |
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/10/2006 10:01:29 PM | Hey enigma -
Don't beat yourself up over past decisions...sounds like you made a 'sound' decision based on the circumstances...twasn't meant to be.... look at it this way.....have you ever tried walking forward while looking backwards at where you've been? not only is it uncomfortable, but you tend to run into things ;)
But to answer you're question, have to agree with some of the other posts...depends on the person's emotional state of mind, and where things are with their relationship. At one point I was one of those 'separated' people, and personally didn't like the stigma it held...I knew it was over and time to move on (and no, I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce), just because I wasn't legally divorced, didn't mean I wasn't emotionally divorced.
My 2 cents. | |
|
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/11/2006 7:54:51 AM | I think it's foolish to have a list of nevers when it comes to life. Never date anyone who is separated? There are so many levels of separated you simply can not put them all into one catagory.
I am still not legally married but have been separated ( living on my own ) for two years...emotionally separated for years before that. I have divorced on my profile for several reasons...first being, I do NOT consider myself still married to my ex in any way, shape or form. Secondly, saying sperated limits who you can message ( in my case, I usually only message female friends...but even then if they have limits, you can not contact them ) That said, I am not dating yet anyhow so it is a mute point simply because I was not willing to get involved in any sort of relationship.
I am not divorced yet for one simple reason...I can not afford the legal process right now. ( complicated property settlement means many thousands of dollars for lawyers )
So, even if someone has been separated for two or more years.....by the standards of many here, they should not be able to date yet until the papers are final? If the marriage included real estate, investments, children, etc...it can take a very long time to have everything settled legally...but that does not mean that you still have emotional issues.
I believe that each situation should be taken into consideration for what it is....an individual situation. Everyone is different and you can't judge anyone simply on how long ago legal papers were filed or signed. Some people are well prepared to move on in less than a year, others may still be an emotional wreck three years after a divorce.
After two years of separation, I am just now beginning to feel ready to meet someone..even though I was the one who left the marriage and was not in love or happy for years. That's just how much time I have needed for me....I needed time alone, without a man involved in my life.
My ex on the other hand, thought that one month was plenty of time before he jumped right into a serious relationship...yep, he learned a whole lot. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/12/2006 11:31:10 AM | [/I think the "how long has it been" question is a valid one....the only concern is finding an appropriate time to ask it. I have never had a problem telling people how long it's been for me, and I've found that others generally don't hestitate unless (a) it was VERY recent, or (b) they're saying they're divorced but it's actually not final yet]
OK, addendum to OP....
How bout if you find out the person is only separated for ONE MONTH but he was the one who did the leaving??? Do you go there, or not?? Yup, it's very, very recent...is it an invitation for heartbreak if you find out you actually LIKE the person? | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/12/2006 11:31:58 AM | [/I think the "how long has it been" question is a valid one....the only concern is finding an appropriate time to ask it. I have never had a problem telling people how long it's been for me, and I've found that others generally don't hestitate unless (a) it was VERY recent, or (b) they're saying they're divorced but it's actually not final yet]
OK, addendum to OP....
How bout if you find out the person is only separated for ONE MONTH but he was the one who did the leaving??? Do you go there, or not?? Yup, it's very, very recent...is it an invitation for heartbreak if you find out you actually LIKE the person? | |
|
ksue44
|
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 37 | |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/12/2006 11:52:04 AM | | Either a person is married or they aren't. I consider a fella who is "separated" still married. If you're going to date, find someone who is totally into you! When someone is separated their foot is half way out the door. You really deserve someone better than who is separated. There's no way a separated person can devote their resources (emotional, physical, and spiritual) towards you. Call me old fashioned, but I'm either #1 Fiddler or I don't fiddle! | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/12/2006 12:54:28 PM | I'm with you, KSue!
To AnEnigma - getting involved with someone who's recently separated is even more emotionally risky than getting involved with someone who's only recently out of a non-marriage relationship - because let's face it, for someone to decide to leave their marriage, that's generally a pretty significant decision, considering the many possible ramifications of doing so (could have to fight to see kids, could cost them a lot financially, could cause them to be ostracized by "shared friends", their church, etc etc).
I learned by experience to leave those who are separated alone. If they're truly "done" with that marriage, let them put their money where their mouth is and proceed with the divorce, the divorce be finalized and then let them spend a good 6-12 months dealing with and processing the demise of their marriage. Even for those who are the ones who leave the marriage, there's still a grieving process they have to go through ............... there's a lot of history there, a lot of memories, could be a lot of second-guessing about whether they made the right decision to leave, and wondering if maybe they should try to reconcile, etc.
I find it odd when people are separated for many years - makes me wonder if they're just not quite ready to make that final cut and, in essence, are keeping their foot in the door. Who wants to get mixed up with someone who, despite what they may claim, can't help but be going through a whirlwind of emotions? anger, loss, grief, loneliness, uncertainty, fear - you name it. Life and relationships aren't simple to begin with - why stack the odds further against you by getting involved with someone who's still in many ways connected to their spouse?
I have very rarely heard of any success stories where someone gets involved with someone who's separated and the person ends up getting the divorce and they go on to marry and live happily ever after. However, I more often hear of cases where the separated person tries several times to reconcile with their (?ex) spouse..........and often in a deceitful manner (sneaking around on their boyfriend/girlfriend to do so). I think it's even worse when they share kids because there's a bond there between them that's like no other - and even more history together, for obvious reasons.
Who needs the drama? And no, there's no guarantees in life but why put yourself in a situation where the cards are pretty much stacked against you to begin with? | |
|
| |
| |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 6:46:42 AM | You're welcome kdlaydee !!
I hope ppl keep posting, ha ha I'm trying to get a better feel for what the percentage is, the yay's and nayer's...And you're right, I'm sure those who are separated want to know too, how we on the other end think. I'm still undecided. but I have learned that alot depends on not only how long someone's been apart, but how 'apart' they were before the physically split.
( I was engaged for 5 yrs and after we split - there was our son, property, etc...involved, it was much like a marriage with all the legal stuff too) I think while a piece of paper i.e. marriage certificate does mean YES, THEY"RE MARRIED ,but that doesn't mean those who weren't married can't have the same problems. My ex and I were in court for 3 separate issues...custody, child support, and property...because we were only engaged, it had to be done all with separate judges...IMAGINE THAT!!!! | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 7:03:44 AM | | I only dated a few times during my seperation. I always told the women I did date during that time prior to the date. I let them know up front that it was casual. They could have my mind and or my body but my heart was unavailable (out for repairs). I got divorced about a year later. I maintained the casual approach for another year after my divorce was final. I informed my dates that it would only be casual. Ive been divorced over ten years now. I think its safe now. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 7:05:53 AM | To whoever said they're listing themselves as divorced....shame on you. Someone's gonna be ticked when they find out you're NOT! I've had this lie pulled on me twice, both kicked promptly to the curb! It doesn't matter what you "consider" yourself, I can consider myself President, doesn't make it so. And it's a pathetic excuse for a LIE! This is WHY single people don't want to date separated people, you're not doing anyone any favors. You just admitted you lied on your profile, way to go!! I dated a guy who hadn't lived with his wife for 6 years. When I found out he had LIED to me....bingo! There was no reason to, I would have dated him anyway. And it was several months before he finally told me. He not only got roundly chewed out by ME, but his mother and his daughters chewed him a new one. I broke up with him and he supposedly never got over it, even years later.
So, whoever is lying about their marital status, get your head out of your tush and think of not just YOU, think about the other person. How your lie may affect them, and hopefully you'll get booted to the curb before you cause that kind of heartbreak. | |
|
daisie
|
Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 44 | |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 7:16:39 AM | Stay away from "separated" people. They have other more important issues they should be focusing on rather than dating.
If they are just waiting for the divorce to be final that doesn't mean they are in the clear. They need some time to BE ALONE. Some people these days are so petrified of being alone, they get in a panic and grab ahold of the first thing that comes along and they begin
re-creating their same old dumb mistakes. THey need time to do some soul searching and accept their blame in the divorce and figure out how to avoid those mistakes next time.
If they are not just waiting for the divorce to be final, then maybe there is a chance they can reconcile with the spouse...and that should always be top priority. Dating would cloud the water. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 7:35:24 AM | I know that in general if you are separated and not divorced you should not be trying to hook up with another person, but I was one of those long term separated people. The reasons for my long separation had nothing to do with wanting to keep one foot in the door. First of all neither of us could afford the divorce in the first year. It was hard enough keeping food on the table for my 3 sons never mind trying to squeeze out several thousands of dollars for a divorce attorney! Does that mean I should not date? My separation was a bad one; however after a couple of years apart my ex and I have become friends again. He has met a wonderful woman and they have been living together for a few years now. After 2 years of separation I hurt my back at the hospital I worked at. I fought workman's comp for 22 1/2 months. My ex and I had finally gotten together and drew up dissolution papers, but because of my back injury I asked him not to finalize the divorce until I could get my back fixed. I needed surgery for a torn disc and since the hospital kept fighting it, I was ready to use my insurance that I got through my ex's job. As long as we were still married, the insurance would cover me.
As it turned out, workman's comp finally went in my favor and decided 2 years was long enough to make me suffer and the hospital agreed to the surgery. I had the surgery on Sept. 29th last year and am doing wonderful!!
My ex and I will be legally divorced or our marraige dissolved soon and I am happy. I was grateful to him for not deserting me and I thanked his girlfriend for being patient with the dissolution. I have dated a few times since my surgery, but always let the guy know ahead of time what the situation was, and I have not really pursued anything serious yet.
Just wanted you to know things aren't always black and white, but I don't think I am a bad person because of it. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 7:54:23 AM | I've been separated for a year and a half now, and can honestly say that my ex and I will never reconcile even though we still talk (mostly because of our son.) Hell, we're even friendly to one another and probably always will be. We've discussed filing the divorce papers and I will be doing that as soon as circumstances allow, but my ex and I will most likely still be friendly as we've been good friends for many years. We just make a terrible couple and we both know it.
Everybodies circumstances are different, as different as the reasons that relationships survive or fail. | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 10:43:03 AM | I'll just chip in with my two cents...I was contacted by a man who's status was listed as "separated", here at POF. He was attractive, sweet, funny...and we hit it off immediately. That was around Christmastime.
Fast forward to the day before Valentine's day:
His definition of "separated" and mine are significantly different: as it turns out, as time went on, he became apparently less and less separated.
To start with, he still lived in the same house as his wife, "as roommates". It's a huge house and he has his own bedroom. He has two sons, ages nine and fourteen.
So...as time went by, it appears that he mentioned incompatibility issues with his wife some time ago. But had he actually filed papers? Had he retained an attorney?
No and no.
I feel like a total moron, seeing what I'm writing here. I know the advice I'd have given my daughter or any friend: RUN!
Well, I didn't. However, that doesn't mean I was at ease, either.
We saw each other once a week or so, and on two occasions, he spent the night. We were in contact every day, without fail. However, the phone was rather problematic. He spoke with me via his work cellphone. In other words, I could not reach him any other way, except by email, messenger, or the above phone number.
Wait! It gets better!
This man told me he'd dated another woman some time back, but she became "too possessive" and that's pretty much all I knew about it...so I thought it had been something fairly fleeting.
Five days ago, he told me that this woman had contacted him, claiming that she still loved him...and what do you know?? It turns out they'd had a serious relationship! I responded by telling him he can date whoever he wants...he just can't date me, too. I told him there were two too many women in this configuration, and I'd be bowing out.
I told him we could still be friends. I also re-registered here at POF.
I received a message from him yesterday telling me that he'd appreciate it if I keep my dating business to myself...he didn't want to imagine me with other men, spending the night with them, etc.
Okay: So let's get this straight. He's a separated man, still living in the same house with a wife who doesn't seem to know that he's on the verge of divorcing her. He's told me how crazy he is about me, and referred to our relationship as "serious" and "exclusive". Contacting him is difficult at best. Then, his ex-girlfriend re enters the picture and he's telling me how sorry he is. Then he has the audacity to assume that I'd immediately start "spending the night" with men I've yet to meet, and be offended by the idea...all the while rekindling a relationship with a woman I'd been under the impression was little more than a blip in his past.
How could I have been such an idiot?? I am not a stupid woman, I'm still considered attractive...so why did I allow myself to become involved in a situation that left me demoralized and hurt?
Maybe it was a traumatic break from a man I'd been engaged to for three years...maybe I was lonely...who knows?
If there isn't anything else anyone gets from this message, I guess the point I want to make is, FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT "SEPARATED" MEANS! It seems to be a vague term.
Also, for heavens sake, listen to your gut feelings...men and women alike!
I will have to go lick my wounds for awhile, but hopefully I'll emerge from this a little wiser and still have enough hope left to be able to meet--and trust--someone who is worth the effort--and the risk involved. | |
|
wowmom
|
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 48 | |
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 10:55:32 AM | | I choose not to go there. I have already had my share of heartbreak over 'others in the picture', I do not care to be in that position again. There are so many potentials out there, each with 'baggage' for us to contend with in formative relationships(mine included here!)- why add to it all with a potential that is still techniqually not available yet as a single person? My opinion and a point to ponder... | |
|
| Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/13/2006 12:25:37 PM | I am SEPARATED and I do date and I would date a SEPARATED man.
Separated people are human beings with real feelings.
I allowed myself to go through counselling, I abstained from dating for a year and sought support from family and friends.
Here in Ontario you are supposed to be separated for a year before you go for divorce.
WE definetely are real people. | |
|
| |
|
|
Home
login 
