Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 tgtbt2
Joined: 2/7/2006
Msg: 76
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?Page 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
I fall under seperated /w children. It's ben 2yrs. filling for a davorce take time depending on how much work is involved. a few things that you should know about seperated men.
1 If they still live with ex /run run .there has ben no healing time'
2 they live with there ex mother inlaw....run run run .
3after only knowing you for a short time say less then 2-3 month. He\she wan't you to move in
4 constanly say's I love you, I love you {almost sounds like broken record.}
5 before you get involved with some one who is seperated. listen closely what they are saying . Ask ? about ex
6 then call his\her ex this is to protect your self he/she may still be together.
7 If you can't call his/her ex talk to there parents / or a close friend of theres.
8 don't be afriad to ask any ? if you have that funny fealing some thing not right then it;s not run run .
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 77
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/23/2006 8:59:59 PM
I am seperated for more than a year...no physical contact for the last year,
I live alone ..the kids are with her ...Its over between us neither she nor me have a wish to reconcile. My divorce if everything goes well may be finalised mid next year.

i know this fact will make a lot of single women pass me over but my conscience is clear I am truth ful about it in my profile and to ladies I sometimes meet who show interest in me.

When I was actively dating I did not mail any ladies who were clearly looking for husband material.....so I figured i'd be safer mailing ladies who had the same seperated status as me.

Unfortunately not everybody is thruthful, I encountered 2 such cases..note that they initiated contact with me first..

Case 1- her profile said divorced, later found out she was seperated (hey thats the same status im in but why lie about it)

Case 2 - her profile said seperated, which was true BUT she was desperately trying to reconcile with her husband who was not interested as he was now with a younger woman.
(if she has not gotten over her hus band -what the heck was bshe doing contacting me)

time is relative some of us take weeks to heal some take years or even decades
I have this to say especially to those on the rebound irregardless of status,

IF YOU ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HAVING A PROFILE ON A DATING SITE SAYING YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ONE.
 Soleil24
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 78
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/24/2006 2:01:24 PM

IF YOU ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HAVING A PROFILE ON A DATING SITE SAYING YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ONE.


Very wise words.
 atrkyhntr™
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 79
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/24/2006 2:25:20 PM
I'll double that X 2
 cee4
Joined: 1/12/2006
Msg: 80
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/24/2006 2:29:25 PM
NAY to dating separated's. Just my opinion, but you have to finish one chapter before you move on to the next!
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 81
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/24/2006 3:36:20 PM
I agree with zentral on this one. Its way too hard to generalise on all separated people. You should really be assessing them on an individual level. But I do understand what you are asking I think the biggest concern you or anyone would have is- is their previous relationship truly over before you think about getting emotionally involved with. Now if they have children you do have to factor in the equation that there will always be that tie with their ex partner and theres not a lot you can do about that and in fact needs to be respected. But apart from that they should be emotionally and financially apart. So I look for signs that they are over it[ eg no more running back and forth] by

They are pleasant and civil to each other, can have a decent conversation without arguing [ denotes lack of those 'bitter' emotions that show someone is still hurting on either side

He does not nark about her or call her names. Shows they've come to a reasonable settlement of their affairs and again, he doesnt have many feelings about it anymore [ it is ok to not be happy about something that has happened or done but what I am saying is how much they go on and on about it. They keep ranting every time you get together - then they are not over it]. Actually the best sign hes over it is he hardly talks about her all, unless its to do with kids if they have any

She does NOT stay over, and does not show up unexpectedly or call at wierd hours unless its to do with kids if they have any...

He doesnt respond to her for any other little emergency such as blocked sink, leaking taps . If he is still doing home/garden maintenance for her on a regular basis....get outta there.

Now she may have keys to his house for when they children are involved but this is strictly for safety aspect of things [ to access the children in emergencies if she has to if they are staying with him]

Neither of them meddle in each others personal / private affairs - and to me that comes down to even voicing an opinion to you about your own relationship. [ but Im pretty strict on that kinda thing so it might be different for other people]

They have seperate finances - and settlement is done or has started

If you can check off these things - you're in with a good chance that they are ready to start another relationship



Dont know about overseas, but here people must be separated here for 12 months before they can legally start divorce proceedings. So I personally dont think its fair or reasonable to expect those people not to date or be date material for that amount of time. Some folks might like to divorce tomorrow but they cant. So it goes back to are they emotionally over it rather than just their status and YES time is a big factor. Though - I know some people who are so over each other in one month and people who have been divorced for 6 years and still arent over it. So I go back to asses the individual no matter which way you look at it
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 82
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/24/2006 7:46:33 PM
I am seperated. I think I have made my feelings known that I think it foolish just to discriminate on a person soley based on a legal contract status. Being seperated is no different than a person leaving a LTR but never married...same issues...same risks.

So far I have been smart and just refused to admit that I am dating at all. Even through this process I have felt discriminated against and that is fine really because I don't think these people would have made good friends anyways.

I have 4 more months before I can file and another 3-6 months after that before I get the final decree. I feel lucky it won't go on forever but I feel sorry for the people here where a quick divorce isn't feasible and people just can't see past that.

Like common law marriage there should be a state past seperated but short of divorce where if the partiers have lived physically apart for greater than a year then they are marriage-nullified but not totally free as in divorced. Perhaps some people here would feel more comfortable with that advanced state?

Love me, or hate me for who I am but please don't discriminate me for what I can't change

Just my two cents,

Bana-dito
 sweetiie
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 83
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/24/2006 9:21:40 PM
RUN AWAY FAST....LOL
 Soleil24
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 84
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/25/2006 6:02:53 PM
I have 4 more months before I can file and another 3-6 months after that before I get the final decree. I feel lucky it won't go on forever


THIS man is Emotionally Available!!! (I think I am going to faint.) Where ya been, Bandito? I been lookin' for ya!

 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 85
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/25/2006 8:03:40 PM
soleil I have to agree. As someone who was always honest completely about my status when I WAS separated, and burned badly by those I dated unknowingly who LIED about it, bandito surely is an exception. He has become a friend and someone I always admired. He does make a good case for it, too bad that so many are not as upfront. I do respect those who are honest enough to say separated, I've known many who said divorced which I take at face value. I hope bandito finds a woman worthy of his love and affection and that going through the process for him is as smooth and trouble free as possible.
 LaughsAlot43
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 86
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/25/2006 9:03:58 PM
I'm separated and my ex has been out of the house for more than two years. He lives in a condo nearby. We won't get divorced until I get a job that has adequate medical benefits and we're both fine with that. There's nothing more to it.

However, I will say that if he met someone and explained how things work, the new girl might not understand. My ex is over here almost every day. We do not kiss or touch and we've probably hugged perhaps five times since I asked him to leave. He comes over for the kids...picks them up for school, comes in to get them for work, checks in with me if there's anything he needs to know, etc.. We're friends and that's good and he evens makes sure I have some time alone for dating. From the outside, it would probably seem pretty threatening because he's so available to me or the kids. But, he's free to start a new relationship should he choose to. He just hasn't chosen to because there's not alot of time or money to share with someone new. And, his chances of meeting someone have been limited for a while. With a new career underway, those doors will start to open and I expect he'll eventually walk through. I think that will be a hard transition for me, but honestly, he's been so respectful of my need to find a new partner that allowing him the same respect is a must.

Probably better to ask what each person's situation is and really listen to the their answer. If they're willing to introduce you to the ex, eventually, then chances are the old relationship really is over.
 puppyluv123
Joined: 1/9/2006
Msg: 87
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/25/2006 9:09:38 PM
Personally I don't understand the stigma attached to seperated people.

I don't understand the fear that because you are only seperated the risk of you returning to your ex is greater. Even divorced people can go back to their ex (think Liz Taylor!)

If you are emotionally done in a relationship I don't think a piece of paper issued by the courts is any protection from anything.

People seem to view this as some kind of comfort level, I just don't get it!

I am not yet divorced, no reason other than I can't be bothered and it costs too much money. What do I care? I'm not going back, I know it, he knows it. If there was the possibility that I wanted to go back I would not have left in the first place.

You have to judge how each person deals with their ex on an individual basis. I am sure there are divorced people who are still quite attached due to children and other matters.

Edit: After I wrote this, I checked my own profile because I could not remember what I had listed my status as. I listed myself as divorced, probably because in my mind I AM DIVORCED.
 RNCM66
Joined: 2/13/2006
Msg: 88
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/25/2006 9:56:39 PM
My profile is straight up honest. Been seperated 7 months, divorce should be final in June, about as amicalbe of a divorce as possible. Not fighting, no seeing each other outside of the occassional situation with our teenagers, no chance/hope of reconcilliation and a great counselor. I know to what level I am looking for someone to spend time with. I will not enter into a sexual relationship until my divorce is final. I was faithful for 24 years, I want to say that I was faithful the entire time. However, I would like to meet other people, share the cost of going out so as not to confuse things and perhaps find somebody enjoyable to develop a relationship with slowly. Once the pain of losing love has diminished and your self confidence returns, no reason not to meet new people (as long as you know what your healthy boundries are...) and for God's sake, be honest!
 smitten2meetu
Joined: 11/16/2004
Msg: 89
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/25/2006 10:23:32 PM
Wait until their divorce and ready to date again.
 IMAGR8KISSER
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 90
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/25/2006 11:30:00 PM
Wait until the ink is dry on the divorce papers! The guy is still married! He wants his cake and to eat it too without having half a piece. You deserve a guy's attention 100%. If he can't give it to you, he's not worthy of you. Good luck!
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 91
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 7:12:10 AM
awww@bucsgirl....your such a wonderful person yourself No wonders the Sasquatch is crazy about you

@soleil24...yes I am available, catch me if you can!

@puppyluv123...totally agree!
 vroomvroom57
Joined: 2/7/2006
Msg: 92
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 9:04:41 AM
Finally the long term relationship issue...ok I have never been married. But have been in a 14 year relationship. Separate bedrooms for the last 3. And no sex for at least the last 2. Ok so it was not good. When I posted on POF I put separated. Now I"m thinking it's the kiss of death after reading all these postings. My ex has a steady girlfriend, I"m dating, it's all good. We are friends and have worked very hard to try and keep it that way for our daughters sake.Now what about it,,if you've not been in love with your partner for years... and only stayed in the thing for your daughters sake was that so wrong. And when does a LTR person become single. I just don't know. I would like someone to define this . Anyways I'm sure someone will have a comment .
 zentral
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 93
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 9:18:04 AM
If you're looking for a relationship leading to marriage and children, then dating someone who's separated could be frustrating if the divorce takes longer than expected - and sometimes those things can drag on seemingly forever. So, if you're looking for this, look for someone else.

If you're not requiring marriage and not planning on children, the only concern is whether they may reconcile with the ex - rare, but it does happen - or they're not emotionally ready for another relationship. Most people can tell fairly quickly if those situations apply and move on. Still, anyone you date could go back to an ex, really, so what's the real difference? That situation happens every day, as you know if you read these forums!

Limiting your options without solid reasons isn't very smart, and you may pass up a marvelous match.
 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 94
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 11:40:52 AM
I think we need a new little icon...a little yellow bouncy ball with "the deer in the headlights" look on its face waving a red flag!!!!

Call it baggage, I don't care. The last guy I was with had been separated for twenty years(Yeah, I know...stupid me). He was with me for three years. Every once in a while he'd mention he was getting a lawyer and then a divorce. He used to say I was a bad bet since I had been married three times (widowed once then divorced twice) and he had been married only once. I never asked him how many times he had commited adultry besides with me...felt it was pointless.

I'm sure there are other circumstances and should not judge all by a few...just not going there again!
 kce33
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 95
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 11:47:17 AM
well blonde, its like this, it does not matter if they are single or seperated, you have got to check them out by asking questions, their answers should tell you everything you need to know....
most people have bad people skills, most had a hard time getting a person in the first place..
and these type of people will try and try to hang on to what they had , most have low self esteem and afraid of ending up without someone...

men and women all need to start talking and asking questions before they date someone, it saves a lot of heartache and failed dates and relationships...
now days everyone thinks having fun takes care of everything, it doesn't...


kce
 dhubsith
Joined: 12/22/2005
Msg: 96
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 4:59:33 PM
To a lot of people there is a "marriage switch", it is either ON or OFF. So if you are separated, you are considered to be married. I would say that well over half of the people on dating sites see in this black-or-white manner. I once had a girl I contacted write back and say, "How dare you write to me? You are SEPARATED!"

Well yes, I am separated, and let me spell out what that means. We split up over a year ago, she moved 2,500 miles away and I never saw her again until last week, in court. For the first month, we were in regular contact by email and phone, but it soon became clear that we were not going to reconcile, so since then our contact has been limited to emails about business matters, like medical billing tangles. I filed for divorce last June, we were not able to negotiate a settlement, so finally last week it went to trial. We did not have children but we had unresolved financial issues. The judge will make his decision in 3 weeks, at which time the divorce should be final. Until then, I am leaving my marital status as "separated", but will change it the day the divorce is final.

Am I emotionally ready for a new relationship? Hell yeah!!!
 lakelover2212
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 97
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 5:11:30 PM
Just where the heck is common decency !? Where the heck is the respect for the sacredness of marriage!? Married people who date others are worse than dog dung, no matter how "seperated thay are"! Where is the backbone to stand up for what is right? Where is the moral decency!?
 designingwoman
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 5:23:49 PM
I have to second Lakelover on this one! If someone says he is separated, RUN FOR THE HILLS as fast as you can get away.

If a separated guy showed interest in me I would tell him to go away and to not come back.

Let me relate a story about a separated guy a friend of mine dated for wayyyy too long. This guy was ugly as sin, so I could not see the attraction (he had grossly oversized glasses for his face, making him look terribly dorky, but what I am about to write will help you understand why I thought he was terribly ugly inside never mind his outside appearance.

One night, my friend and I were to meet this guy I'll call A to hide identities. We met at a restaurant. First he was about 3/4 of an hour late. Next thing I know, this man was asking me questions about my previous career, a very touchy subject about which I do not like to talk about, especially with someone I'd just met. When I asked him to stop asking me quesitons about it, he kept asking anyway. I asked him again, and he continued to pepper me with personal questions about my prior career. He continued, and I got very angry. I refused to talk more, and pulled my friend to the side, telling her that this is a warning flag of an abusive man who insists on not being respectful toward my wishes. She defended him, saying that I should not take it personally, that my old career was interesting to him!! Interesting or not it's a sore subject and I don't like to discuss it with anyone until I know them well enough to feel safe talking about it. Unfortunately, my friend who is very naive, disclosed that information without my permission. I returned and chewed out A for harassing me about a personal subject about which I did not want to talk. My friend got many chewings out after that until she learned the HARD way that he was abusive.

Even before this happened I would not date a separated guy, and after this experience I'm even more unwilling to do so. In fact I would tell such a guy to go to !!!

It's very important for women (and men too) to learn the warning signs of a possible abusive relationship. Forcing someone to talk about unpleasant subjects after repeated requests is clearly one sign. Other signs include trying to control someone's life, and being overly jealous.
 saucymomma
Joined: 11/11/2005
Msg: 99
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 6:04:36 PM
it is unfair to paint all separated people with the same broad brush of "run far away from them" It isn't a "title" you should be looking at, rather their emotional state that should dictate to you to run or stay. It should be assessed on an individual level. There are too many variables to consider ! I am separated, not divorced yet, but is it fair to pass over my profile because I am "separated"? I am the best judge of whether I am ready for another relationship. Wow - I didn't realize there was such a stigma to being "separated". LOL
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 100
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 2/26/2006 6:24:03 PM
The problem is, only the person who's separated knows their emotional state - and heck, sometimes they don't even know it. There's no way that I can know, accurately and genuinely, the emotional state of a guy who's separated. I learned this the hard way many years ago. In both cases, each guy portrayed himself initially as a very "emotionally together" guy who was very settled in his decision for the marriage to be ended. Each put on a very good act.

Guy #1 told me off the bat that his divorce would be final in 3 months. As it turned out, that was a blatant lie because the truth emerged such that the divorce had never even been filed, nothing had been sorted out in the way of custody or even a legal separation. When I met him, he told me that he'd been separated from his wife for 9 months and that the marriage had "been over" in his heart for 2 yrs before that. He was sweet and charming and lead me to believe that he had long past dealt with the demise of his marriage and felt strongly that we were "soulmates" and meant to be together. He repeatedly (an unsolicited, I might add) told me that the happiest day in his life would be the day his divorce (the one that had never yet been filed for) was final and he could propose to me and we could start our life together. All a crock.

Guy #2 put on a similar act. His divorce was supposed to be final only a mere 30 days after he and I had met. Although he didn't bash his ex, he was very vocal about how the marriage was over "in his heart" for a few years prior to leaving - that he'd stayed as long as he had "for the kids." As it turns out, that divorce that was supposed to be final in 30 days was not happening. He would lie and say there were issues with his soon-to-be-ex wife's lawyer not communicating w/ his lawyer but he didn't even have a lawyer. He still kept a huge stack of cards that his ex had given him over the course of their marriage, in the night table beside his bed. On 2 occasions I came to notice a picture of his wife in amongst the various kid's school pics on the shelves where framed photos were in the house. When I'd ask him, he'd give me some BS story about how he had the pics on his desk at work for a long time but then put them in his briefcase and finally remembered to take them out - and that the "kids" must have found them and put them up (yeah, they were way at the back of a zillion framed pics, I'm sure a 6 and 8 yr old boy is going to very carefully stick 'em back there. And although his ex wife had moved on with her life and had been in a steady relationship for nearly a year, on one occasion she was stopping by to pick up the boys (on the boyfriend's weekend with them) to take them to her boyfriend's son's birthday party - my BF was in panic mode. I jokingly told him that to prevent things from being awkward, I would just go downstairs into the basement while she stopped by. No way, he wanted me to get into my car and keep driving around the block until she'd left. If this wasn't the final straw/clue that he wasn't over his ex, I don't know what was.

But in both cases, both guys came across as totally "moved on" and ready to get on with their lives. This couldn't have been further from the truth.

They say that no matter what the cause of a marriage ending, or who decides to end it, there's a grieving process that each person has to go through when the divorce is finalized - even if the person who wanted and filed for the divorce was miserable in the marriage. It makes sense. They shared a life and history with that ex spouse, and possibly children, too. They need the time to deal with that grief and spend a good 6-12 months by themself to heal and move forward.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?