| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:40:47 AM | Betsy wrote:
"Just friends"
Thats saying alot!
Maybe what we need to redefine is our definition of friends, not who can be one and who can't.
True friendship takes alot of vulnerability. Can just any man and women handle it? No, but some can and it turns out to be the best thing they have both encountered!
Don't you think?
Betsy, yes I do think men and women can be friends.
To the OP, I don't think any relationship can be "more than friends". You can love your family and your spouse but you don't always like them. In contrast, being friends means that you must, at least, like each other. Now how many people in your life can you say that about? To me, that makes friendship anything but "just friends", no matter what other dynamics are involved sex, business or whatever. Our friendships can be our longest lasting and most helpful relationships we encounter in the short time we have here on this earth.
We can live better with true friends by our side throughout our lives. So if you want to call that "just anything" you can jump on the bandwagon of abusing this wonderful term "friends" by adding just to it, if you like but as for me no friend I have is "just" anything except wonderful. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/15/2007 2:45:34 PM | | Well I say yes we can be freinds . Since I joined this site Ive met some wonderfull freinds .(mostly female.) Since good freinds are hard to come by Iam very happy to have hooked up with these people | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/15/2007 4:27:27 PM | It really has to do with attraction.. Billy Crystal summed it up perfectly in When Harry Met Sally.
Try to find a non-shallow, good looking man/woman who is friends with an unattractive man/woman (and I mean best friends and not just polite to him/her) or vise versa....AND..he/she will say..."We're just friends"...BUT..What does the other person say? Secretly harbouring lust/love and wishing for more will be your answer most of the time....If she is beautiful any man who says he doesn't want more is gay or he isn't honest. If they are both completely unattracted to each other there would be no friendship because everyone sees something they love in their close friends or they wouldn't become close. This excludes married/committed men/women who are genuinely faithful.
Now having said all this I am friends with my best friends ex and I even introduced them. We have never had sex but discussed getting together on a few occassions over drinks but have not...the discussion just came up about getting together...NOW...I have to add this was after he committed suicide so we were both a bit lost at the time but she is attractive and I won't lie and say I never thought about it and she knows it..and I know it...but..we are friends..for 20 years now...HOWEVER...There could be more.
I also have female friends which I have no interest in whatsoever and at some point they have always gotten to the "Why don't we get together?" phase ...and ...I got that really uncomfortable somebody farted face. "What the hell are you talking about?". "We're friends". 
Ladies, if you have male friends chances are they want to sleep with you and the only place they will deny it is in a public forum, in a room full of women or if you ask them point blank. If you were a fly on the wall when the boys get together you'd be amazed.
By the way....Here is another question...Why is it only sexual harassment when you are NOT attracted to the other person? When there is a mutual attraction I believe the term is flirting... | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/15/2007 4:37:39 PM | AND..he/she will say..."We're just friends"...BUT..What does the other person say? Secretly harbouring lust/love and wishing for more will be your answer most of the time
It doesn't matter if your attracted to someone you can still be just friends with them... It's a matter of respecting boundaries, after all we do have control over our actions and the ability to act anyway we wish. I'd much rather secretly want more and have a lasting friendship then to have more and lose a good friendship(speaking from experience).
Tim
=)x | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/15/2007 7:33:07 PM | | I can speak from experience too and the friendship was not real because I wanted more...she knew that and she used it to her advantage. If you think being attracted to a friend doesn't matter then try telling one of your male friends...If you chose to hide something from a friend you are risking a loss anyway..So now we are back to you being attracted to her.....If she was ugly would you be her friend? The obvious answer in a public forum is yes but if I gave you the Bender speech from The Breakfast Club you know how it would go down...Respecting boundries only comes into play when you tell her and she says.."Thanks but no thanks!" and you say, " I respect that" when actually you're really crushed and carry the resentment of being shot down...or..when she falls in love and you don't have as close a friendship anymore. Be honest, tell her and then respect her boundries.....but this just proves that there are conditions to men and women being friends.....*note to self* Careful how many beers you drink around "Just Friends". | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:34:51 PM | Only certain men and women can be friends.
If you're the type of person who can put the rejection aside, you're the type of person who can be a friend. If you're still there in hopes of making something grow, than you can't be a friend. The pressure is just not worth it to the other party. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/16/2007 2:16:27 AM | I can speak from experience too and the friendship was not real because I wanted more...she knew that and she used it to her advantage. If you think being attracted to a friend doesn't matter then try telling one of your male friends...
Ok if the friendship wasn't real then it doesn't count as friendship one a lie which would make you a liar and player. Secondly if you let her use you liek that becuase she knew you liked her then you got played and have no respect for yourself to let her do that in the first place. Thirdly I do think that being attracted to a friend doesn't matter and what would I care what my male friends thought on that as it's ME that thinks and believes it for MY self not anyone else. I am my own person.
Respecting boundries only comes into play when you tell her and she says.."Thanks but no thanks!" and you say, " I respect that" when actually you're really crushed and carry the resentment of being shot down
Respecting boundries comes into play by not asking a friend out... I do not have to ask her out, I know we are just friends, and no I am not crushed nor do I carry and resentment from knowing we are just friends. It's called understanding... And let's say I do one day ask her out and that whole dating thing doesn't work, what are the odds of being just friends like it use to be, very low I am betting and not worth the risk, so now I've fucked(no pun intended) a good friendship up.
Be honest, tell her and then respect her boundries.....but this just proves that there are conditions to men and women being friends.....*note to self* Careful how many beers you drink around "Just Friends".
Thats actually quite funny as I did have more then a few beers around her(and do many a week-end) but still acted as a friend that I am, just because you lack the self control and don't have the mindset to understand that just because your attracted to someone doesn't mean you can't still be friends and act as such. Also if I said hey I am attracted to you could that not be a sign of lack of respect and crossing the boundery of friendship, as it might put her in the mindset that I want to me more then just friends.
Tim
=)x | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/16/2007 4:49:50 AM | Let me get this straight....I am a liar and a player because a girl that I grew up with and had feelings for led me to believe that it could be more....going as far as dating a few times over several years but never having sex...? You then say...I also have no respect for myself because this happened...and the friendship was not real?
That's Dr. but I think I'll get a second opinion.
I also was also not asking you to consult your male friends..I said tell THEM you have feelings for them if you think it doesn't change a friendship.  It was a joke...you may see a few more before we are done here.
Let me reiterate ...I told her how I feel. EVERY strong relationship must start out as a friendship or you have no foundation..Do all your relationships start out in bed and then you decide if you have a common bond and friendship? I was honest because I told her how I feel. There is no rule of boundaries in regards to friendship unless it is clearly defined, otherwise you just stated that anyone enjoying a friendship that wants more and never asks due to your boundaries stays single (even if the other person WOULD want the relationship). You've already admitted you are attracted to her. IF she is a true friend she will be flattered but set the boundaries and then you'll have an answer..I also know this from having to do it several times and then remain friends after everything was on the table because THAT is what friends do. If not and the supposed friendship ends then I guess you'll be a liar and a player too...
The drinking comment was yet another joke but let's examine that as well....
Keep drinking around her (do it many a weekend) and harbor your feelings. Make sure you continue to be single because you never took the chance to tell her and watch yourself get older every weekend. Update your POF profile and never take a chance to ensure your "Friends Only" relationships stays in tact. HOWEVER, be very careful because all these factors will add up and one day they will come out. THAT I can assure you of and please spare me the I have no self control comment. Next you'll tell me you like to shitkick midgets but you don't want to say anything to her because it will endanger the friendship. *This comment was not intended to insult midgets or shitkicking-it was simply stated to drive home a message. It was what is commonly referred to as a joke*
This discussion was about can men and women be friends and I said there are always conditions. You have been a great witness and you may now step down. The defense rests. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/16/2007 5:12:57 AM | I did fail to see the humor in your posts and was a mistake on my part.
Also when I read "I can speak from experience too and the friendship was not real because I wanted more"- I seen that as you lied about wanting to be just friends until a chance to date came along... and becuase I'm attracted to someone doesn't mean I want more just means I find them attractive.. not everyone I find attractive I want to date.
<div class="quote"> I also was also not asking you to consult your male friends..I said tell THEM you have feelings for them if you think it doesn't change a friendship. It was a joke...you may see a few more before we are done here. again I missed the humor there..LOL@me
<div class="quote"> Keep drinking around her (do it many a weekend) and harbor your feelings. Make sure you continue to be single because you never took the chance to tell her and watch yourself get older every weekend. Update your POF profile and never take a chance to ensure your "Friends Only" relationships stays in tact. HOWEVER, be very careful because all these factors will add up and one day they will come out. THAT I can assure you of and please spare me the I have no self control comment. Next you'll tell me you like to shitkick midgets but you don't want to say anything to her because it will endanger the friendship. *This comment was not intended to insult midgets or shitkicking-it was simply stated to drive home a message. It was what is commonly referred to as a joke*
LOL on the midgets bit(for the record I don't like to shitkick midgets I'm more of the dwarf toss kind of guy), but seriously I don't want to date everyone I find attractive, sometimes it's just better to be friends. And yeah it was meant to be a dig with respects to selfcontrol if everytime I was attracted to someone I had to try and date them as I do not feel that way, and is what i got from your post.
Tim
=)x | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/16/2007 6:03:23 AM | Wow...who knew there was so much to say....
Regardless of why you become friends with someone...be it you want more...it doesn't happen...then you drift apart...I'd still consider it a friendship..that person was in your life..left an impact on you. Maybe the intentions weren't pure, honest friendship, but some kind of friendship happens anyway. It is what it is.....some of my best friends are guys I have dated in the past...they aren't my friends because they do or do not want to sleep with me..they are friends because they have spent time with me...we know each other well, we help each other through the good and bad stuff in life..and we provide a comfort to each other that only someone who reallyknows you can do.
You can't fault someone for befriending someone and wanting more..the heart wants what it wants and if they are okay with taking whatever they can get (friendship) who is to judge?
NOw...who wants to be my friend? | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/16/2007 1:57:44 PM |
Regardless of why you become friends with someone...be it you want more...it doesn't happen...then you drift apart...I'd still consider it a friendship..that person was in your life..left an impact on you.
Well said Dimples82...
Tim
=)x | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/19/2007 1:30:02 AM | I have been reading this post with some interest and decided to add my opinion
*ponders the implications of my responding…shrugs and continues*
One of my best friends is a male who, in the beginning, I had a very strong sexual attraction to. After about 6 or 8 months the physical faded and I found myself starting to develop deeper feelings for this man and I have never hid how I felt from him, I was always very upfront about my feelings. Now while my feelings for him have caused a few uncomfortable moments, our friendship is important enough to us that THAT will always come first. We even encountered a situation, several months ago, where a supposedly mutual friend tried to get us to hate each other and while she almost succeeded, we talked and were able to retain our friendship. This woman and I have just recently started talking again and she has admitted that our bond is stronger than she realized. Now that raises the question of - am I only remaining friends with this man because I am hoping that someday we will have more? No. My friendship for him is unconditional. I have accepted that I am not who, or what, he wants in a romantic partner and while that sucks on one level I am happy for the relationship that we DO have and I am not shallow enough to give that up just because he doesn’t share my feelings…I love him enough to let him go and find someone he is happy with.
This has been a very humbling experience for me because this is the only man who has ever turned me down…and no, he’s not gay. Hell, I have even had gay men offer to go “straight” for me. LOL *wow, that sounds conceited*
The turning point for me was last month, when I finally got to meet him in person (we have known each other, online, for almost 2 years). We were at the airport, I kissed him goodbye, and there was nothing there. I got no reaction from him what-so-ever. The time we spent together was wonderful, it felt very natural and comfortable, but that kiss told me that he just didn’t feel for me what I feel for him…or that he has more self control than any man I have ever met! Anyway, had I only been in it in the hopes of there someday being more then I would have said screw it and not bothered with him anymore. Instead it showed me that the friendship is very real and will last, no matter what. So yes, it IS possible for men and women to be just friends, but it is dependent on the maturity level of those involved. It works for some and not for others.
And for the record, I have had MANY close, non-sexual, friendships with men and while, for whatever reason, we have drifted apart over the years and aren’t as close as we once were, that friendship remains and when we do happen to see each other again there is never any uncomfortable feelings, the closeness that we once shared returns and we are able to catch up without really feeling any regret. At least that is true for me, though I can’t say for sure about them. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 3/21/2007 9:32:47 AM | My two cents!
I do not see many reasons why we can not have members of the opposite sex as friends. Take 'sex' out of the equation and what do you have? friends. I am far from having any formal education in physcology, but my opinion is that provided you treat your friends with respect, respect their boundaries and be open with them, there should be no problem.
It seems just common sence to me but if you are involved with someone and they really do not want you hanging around with someone from the opposite sex then there are either trust or self esteem issues. Saying that, someone who wants to spend too much time with friends instead of their partner probably should not be involved with that person anyway, but if your friends partner has an issue and you are not being sensitive to that then there is a lot of disrespect going around.Then I may become concerned. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 4/18/2007 2:38:59 PM | Well, let me say this, if you looking for just friend then let that person know up front and you should not have a problem. Looks should not play a big part in any relationship anyway as beauty is only skin deep. Its what's in the heart that matters the most. So yes men and women can be just friends. God puts people in our lifes for different reasons, sometimes it short lived and sometimes life long friends become of it, so cherish what you have be it short term or long term friendship.
Judy | |
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mmm43
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Joined: 11/13/2006
Msg: 90 | |
| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 4/18/2007 3:14:46 PM | Yes men & women can be friends. I grew up with 3 brothers and was always 1 of the boys..lol... I have alot of ' men ' friends.. as long as they know what boundaries you have and have set for yourself.. they should be able to respect that and be ok with it.
I have more male friends then female i do believe , and I think its great.
M | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 4/18/2007 5:10:44 PM | | Of course men and women can be "just friends"..,Case in point,20 plus years ago ,my best buddy starting to go out with a very lovely girl,their relationship lasted 5 or 6 years and I became great friends with her.When they broke up,I still remained good friends with both, but her and I became even closer, to the point that one night after a dance we went back to my place(we both felt romance was in the air)but we ended up talking about things,and we both realized that as much as we liked each other ,we just wouldn't be a good couple together,and we didn't want to loose the great thing we had going..,well we woke up the next morning on the sofa together,had a good laugh about what could of ,might of been,and called it a night. She has since married ,moved to the valley,has three fantastic kids,and we still are best buddies,so I again say yes,guys and gals can be not just friends,but best friends..,it all depends what your priorties are ,or so it seems to me. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/21/2007 1:30:01 PM | Had no plans Sat. and one of my female friends msged me and asked if I wanted to go to the Hodeo with her and a crew(all female). Thanks Kimmy. 
Did a little pre-outing thing at one of the girls place, I'm the only guy. Thus at times you have 5 girls chatting and I'm just standing there in a state of "wtf are they talking about?" Ok, a little pot may have been smoked.  But I feel I could always present the male side to any discussions.
It's all a comfort zone. I've had nothing but females in my life(my mother, sister, wife(ex), and 2 daughters. Crap all my pets had been female) and am as comfortable around females as I am the guys. A friend is a friend, whether female or male. I can go out to party with a group of females as I can with a group of guys. The only difference, generally, is the topic of conversations.
Oh, I will dance with my female friends though. Another difference.  | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/21/2007 1:45:02 PM | ^^^ your very welcome Leafs..and if it makes you feel better..I didn't know what we were talking about most of the time either
On topic....I feel sorry for people who feel they can't or are not friends with the people of the opposite sex...your cutting out half the population and probable missing out on making alot of long great friendships. It's also wonderful to have someone of the opposite sex to ask dating advise. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/22/2007 3:01:45 AM | Well, it's too late for the paper, I;m sure, but not too late for my 2 cents.
Yup they sure can, just remember that relationships are organic and their nature evolves over time.... | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/22/2007 6:30:36 AM | I am the testament to the fact that yes they can. I have MANY many female friends whom I have not had a sexual relationship with. I have females who I have had a sexual relationship with who have turned out to be GREAT friends. I also have the relationship partners who I don't want anything to do with. But that's a different issue.
Fact is, if all you view the opposite sex as, is an object to which all you want is sex, well you're missing out on a lot. Sure when you have a friend you might say "holy crap wow he/she's freakin hot! wonder what they're like in bed?" doesn't mean you can't keep a regular friendly relationship going with that person. Happens to me all the time! | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/22/2007 11:35:49 AM | | Yes they can. I have many female friends back home, and just cause there girls, doesn't mean you have to be in bed with them. Besides, it can some times be a very valuable thing to have (a friend of the opposite sex), even if there are no bed benefits. | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/22/2007 1:08:14 PM | Absolutely i beleive men and women can be just friends.To be honest i have more friends that are women then men.To think its not possible is a mystery i could never understand.Surely everyone has to have a member of the opposite sex thats just their friend and nothing more.Hell i have women friends that i have slept with in the past that are now just friends of mine.And hope to make alot more friends that are women in the future.
RIDE ON EDDY!! | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/23/2007 8:55:48 AM | | absolutely, however,"she's just a friend", usually means"we haven't slept together YET",or "we don't sleep together anymore" | |
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| Can men and women be 'just friends'?
Posted: 5/23/2007 6:39:55 PM | Of course men can be friends with women. But keep in mind that some things women friends cannot understand.
I find it is women who are often times more uncomfortable with male friends (especially if they are not gay and are not sexually attracted to that woman). I have notices some women take it as insult even lol.
It really depends on your outlook on life. If you have difficulty relating to women, then your are going to have difficulty having them as friends -- yet it will probably be a learning experience for those men with that difficulty.
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