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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 3/15/2006 10:24:46 PM | Let me tell you from my experience on Monday and from talks with my attorney.
If he's taking you to court just because he knows you can't afford an attorney, then the judge will be able to see that and more than likely you will get awarded attorney's fees.
However, you probably will have to come up with the money up front to hire an attorney. I offered to work for the attorney and help pay for some of the attorney's costs, but I guess he felt sorry for me and lowered his price.
That's what happened to me. He said he was taking me to court for full physical custody because he had some investments and he was going to be getting 80K and would keep taking me back until I had exhausted my resources. But when I explained this to my attorney, he said that even if he does that, he'll have to pay for my attorney's fees, more than likely.
But anyhow, he already tried doing that....and the judge awarded me full physical custody of the children (2).
Now we just have to wait for the hearing on the child support to see if the judge will grant me attorney's fees next month. For me, 2K was nothing to pay considering I got full physical custody of my children. The judge stressed to us that consistency is the key to raising the children. If you've provided a consistent upbringing for the child then he shouldn't be allowed to just one day come in and say...well now i want to be a dad...NO, it doesn't work that way. More than likely he will get visitation, alternating weekends and one overnight stay every week.
Good luck with this. My best advice is don't go in without an attorney. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 3/16/2006 1:32:00 AM | ... I just want to thank all of you on BOTH sides of this thread for your passion, insight and wisdom. I have just had everything I have ever worked for (read that as ALOT of interaction with my children), cared for and loved in the last 12 years taken away from me.
I can see that I wasn't the first and most likely won't be the last. Most of the dialogue here has allowed me to reflect and come up with some GREAT insight as to how to approach my apparent new journey with a lot of notes and thoughts to discuss with my lawyer. To rise again ... Thanks! | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 3/16/2006 1:40:30 PM | | How can they when everything is going well in their lives. I just don't know of any single mom's that are stay at home mom's. I know I'm one and I have to go to work to support myself and my child. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 3/17/2006 4:46:13 PM | | i think in a way i am kinda bothsides of the story here. at first i lost custody of all three of my kids, because i left and didnt take them with me. nobody really knew what went on in the house. my ex used to beat me and the kids i was trying for a long time to leave but i couldnt he had me that scared,the day i left my kids were at their uncles house and i didnt know it my ex threw me up against the wall and i was able to get out and leave.when we went to court i had to take 2 of my paycheck and pay my lawyer up front. we went to court and my ex lied about everything.he won temporary primary custody,then 8 months later he dropped the kids off and said they wernt aloowed to go back. but then my oldest came to live with me and i got full custody my ex is still apart of their life and he is now remarried i never asked childsupport from him but im suposed to get it i work 40 plus hours im a full time college student and i have very little help from family. i have no regret with my ex i have learned to talk to him (but not his wife) i dont talk bad about him.but my kids are my life and i am there for every sport game school event and everything. i aplaud every single mother and single father as long as the kids are happy you are doing your job. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 3/17/2006 5:31:54 PM | | Anybody have any advice for someone who lost their kids due to illness? I was very ill unable to think or live on my own...in the process I lost my kids due to evidence that my spouse(supposed support system) at the time was abusive to myself as well as the kids...since then I have been cured..no longer with my ex and still cannot get it back to court...anybody??? At this point I would take any slim possibility of advice from anyone.I am not fighting a spouse I am fighting the system | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/12/2006 6:32:41 PM | bibstar,
are you saying that, "good mothers, who stay home with their kids, do the house work (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking etc...), plus being home with their child after giving a painful birth and breastfeeding for over a year" makes a good mother? were you married? wasnt that one of your repsonsibilities as a mother? did your hisband provide income? wasnt that his responsibility?
What I am saying is that marriage is a team and each person has their duties and responsibilities. Generally, the mothers stay home while the father provides income. That is a 50/50 partnership. Didnt your husband also cook and care for your child? I wiuld find it hard to believe that he did absolutely nothing.
Why thne do you think that mother's should be granted custody? Father's have just as much rights to raise a child as well.
Sorry, but, i just find this a petpeeve of mine that woman think thye deserve to be full custodians and the father only a source of income. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/12/2006 7:29:43 PM | | No, he never cooked a single meal....but this post is really not about my divorce or custody deal....I am talking about other mom's who have lost custody, I want to basically find out why?....the direct reasons....of course nothing personal. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/12/2006 8:56:34 PM | sorry, i am new to this forum. in fact, i joined really only for the forum, becasue, though i have been divorced for nearly 2 years, i feel i really want to learn how others are dealing with similar situations.
i just had a visceral reaction to this thread as i read it. but, it seems that other people posted other things as well. i only addressed you since you began this thread. again i apologize.
but, you made the posting, "....but this post is really not about my divorce or custody deal...." isnt the title of this thread about custody? that is why i posed this question.
basically, from what i have seen from this forum (not just this thread) is that women think they should have custody for the main reason than they are women. i find this argument totally sexist. That is like saying I should get more money for a job because I am a man! if someone made THAT statement, he would be labled a sexist (and fired if at work). why then is a woman not labled sexist for saying since she is mother (gave birth and breastfed) that she should have custody?
Basically, i want to know (borrowing from your title of this thread) - How could good father's loose custody? | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/13/2006 1:56:15 PM | No need to apologize mpreston....I totally know where you were coming from and at some point I agree with you...as a woman and a mother I do not know how would I go on if I did not win custody of my child, so basically I wanted to find out how those mothers feel who did lose custody.
On you thread, I think if you can show the court that you are the better parent there is no way on earth you would lose your child regardless of your sex. | |
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numon
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Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 136 | |
| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/14/2006 7:34:00 AM | i am a single father who was a week-end father then a full time dad. but now my X and I share the children. i loved having my kids full time and this is true for my X too. but now we both have them and the kids get both parents again.
i | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/14/2006 3:21:14 PM | | Yes I agree with you "all About Laughs". I was with my son's father for 6 years he left it a horrible way. During the time together are son was under the age of 4 he would say it's your time with him now. When he gets older I'll take him to footballs games etc... I changed every diaper, fed him, changed his clothes, Give him love, read to him, he learn his A, B, C’s and numbers, and colors and animals because I was the parent. Ex b/f would just work and pay the bills and go out and do whatever he wanted while I stay home with our child. Anyhow he left me for another woman then to top it off. About a year later he took me to court for custody for our child. The new g/f made him grow up to be more of a father to our child. So now he takes all the credit for our child. So the judges give him joint custody. He tried to take me for full custody I laugh at him. But the judged give him joint custody. Now I have to deal with his BS, when he never cared of the up bringing of his child till his new g/f told him either you start to be a good father or we are done. Till this day I fight with him because he gives me a hard time. He walks over my rights and has the teacher calling him every-time there is something wrong at school. Not me. For example, what I go throw our child got sick last week. Our child doesn’t get sick like ones a year. Anyhow I got a call at 6:30AM I was half out of it as I have a new born baby now with husband to be of 4 years. I had to get up a few times with him, so at 6:30AM I could hardly wake up to answer the phone. It ring 3 times I got up went to the phone got a message from his g/f that are son was up all night sick, that she tried to call me but couldn’t get me. So she asked his aunt to take care of him. I said well that’s ok, bring him home. She said oh I have to ask ken what he thinks witch is ex b/f. I said well it doesn’t matter what he thinks, as I have Day To Day care and control of our child. She said well I have to ask him. Then she calls back and says ken said to bring him to his aunt’s house. So I call the ex and ask can you bring him home? As I am his mother and would like to care for him myself. He said well I can't I’ll bring him later tonight. I said well no that’s not ok with me. I am home and can care for our child myself. He said you should have picked up the phone and be there for your son. It really made me upset. I said what??? I am here for him it was 6:30AM in the morning. Then he goes on to say, well some people have to work. I said yeah no kidding. My b/f works but wakes up at 7:30am. And remember I am on matt leave right now? Then he says well you should be there for your son. I lost it and said yeah whatever you should have been there for his first 4 years. How dare you. Now you’re walking over my right and won't bring our child home? Then ex wouldn’t give me the number to his aunt’s house. I Daman it he wouldn’t give it too me. I said well I’ll take you to court over this because it's my right. He said go ahead. Then I had to keep phoning his cell phone till he answer because he would hang up. Then when he did pick up he said this phone isn’t your personal phone line. I said yeah you got it so I could phone you or his teachers could get a hold of you for our child. I need the number. Anyhow sorry I went on about this, but this is a little of what I have to go throw and it makes me so upset. His g/f is taking care of my child not him. So I don't agree about the joint custody in this case. Think maybe I should bring this back up in court? I think I might not get anywhere. I feel walked over. I needed to runt. Thought I could give my personal two cents of good mother losing her rights. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/14/2006 3:40:29 PM | mpreston
"What I am saying is that marriage is a team and each person has their duties and responsibilities. Generally, the mothers stay home while the father provides income. That is a 50/50 partnership. Didnt your husband also cook and care for your child? I wiuld find it hard to believe that he did absolutely nothing."
“50/50 partnership” I think not in my case. Yes I would stay home and do my duties as a good house wife/mother. The father provided the income that’s about it. I had to raise our child on my own. He wouldn’t give a helping hand what so ever. His attitude was it's your time with him now. I’ll take him to football games when he is older. I did the cooking the cleaning everything. "SO you say you can't believe he did absolutely nothing??" How would you know what goes on in other people life’s?? Since when did God give you the right to judge others? | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/14/2006 4:07:26 PM | I have three brothers and all of us are custodial parents.
With my brothers, the women left the children. My case was a little different, I got custody when I divorced her, then later this state took away her rights. So for me, I raised my child by myself with no child support.
But I don't think these situations are what the title post is looking for.
A lot of good mothers nowadays are losing their children in custody fights because of economics if everything else is equal. If the man has a $16 an hour job and the woman has a $6 an hour job, the man can provide better. And child support would not equal that out.
I have found that a lot of men really do not want custody of their children, they want the freedom and the next girlfriend most likely will not be interested in raising the children.
Dragon Rider | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/14/2006 5:39:23 PM | I was so happy to read this thread and find that there are others out there like me. I can truly empathize with anyone (good mothers or fathers) who have lost custody of their children. I went through a five-year custody battle. I won the first time and my ex appealed and ended up getting custody the second time. I honestly can't understand how this happened. I wasn't on drugs or a drunk and I took good care of my daughter. I was just a working class woman, trying to do the best I could for my child, and wasn't doing too bad. I've always had a good job with plenty of money to support her and give her what she needs and wants. Her father doesn't have any more money than I do, so I can't blame it on money. In fact, I'm better off financially than he is. I've heard rumors from other women who have had encounters with this judge, that she is biased against women and tends to rule in favor of the man and from my experience, I would agree. After losing custody, I did not appeal because the battle had already gone on long enough and did tremendous damage to all of us, especially my daughter. At some point, it all just had to stop.
To anyone out there that loses custody of their children, I'm sorry. It's a painful experience that I wouldn't wish on any parent. All I can say is if you choose not to appeal, try to make the best of your situation and use this as an opportunity to end the fighting with the other parent. I know it's not always possible, but try to get along as best as you can for your children. I still have visitation with my daughter and we talk on the phone all the time. In some ways, I feel like we have a closer relationship because of what we went through. My daughter was eight when custody was reversed and we dealt with the pain together. She is almost a teen now and tells me all her secrets and always wants my advice. Please look at the bright side and try to make the best of the situation you have at hand. Your children are still here on this earth and with today's communication technology, there is no reason you can't be as close as ever. Good luck! | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/25/2006 11:01:49 PM | ["SO you say you can't believe he did absolutely nothing??" How would you know what goes on in other people life’s?? Since when did God give you the right to judge others? ]
Sundance, what are you talking about? Where is the judgement in that statemetn? You are so defensive you are looking to pick an argument...no surprise, most recently divorced are in similar positions. But, you in particular seem to be really obivoius. "I find it hard to believe..." is not a judgement... But, saying that you are a bitter man-hater IS a judgement. See the difference? If not, I will be happy to simplfy it even more so even you could understand.
But, you do prove a point that the myopic thinking as you demonstrate is becoming too prevalent in today's community and court system. Just because you breast fed (which is biologically obvious), neither makes you a better parent, default custodial parent, or logical individual!
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/25/2006 11:30:23 PM | Let's talk law Canada...
One parent can make up whatever they want to say about the other parent..then in family court I have witnessed people being guilty until proven innocent. Unfortunately getting into the actual courts takes so long it is then that the child has been in the other home under whatever directives for how long why jeopardize anything even though in court documents the judge dispells the myth that there was ANY wrong doig in the first place.
And that is our justice system...actually...I don't know about ALL cases..but that one is pertaining to this conversation. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/26/2006 8:48:50 AM | | umm i just wana say cuz u can cook and clean doesnt make u a good mother lol i think its part of it dont get me wrong but theres alot more to being a good mom then that or dad witchever... good moms loose custdy because in the eyes of the court not having a job is not a good thng the child "could" be better provided for with the dad or joint custdy.. i mean if ur sitting at hme waiting on ur welfare check that doesnt make u a great oppertunity not saying its bad but i mean the child has financial needs as well as everythign else.. ne ways to answer ur questions the courts wiegh alot of thigns to figure out who the better parent is although it is very odd for a mother who is taking proper care of thier child to loose custdy so something must be going on in the home... my nana use to tell me this u never know what goes on behind a closed door.. ppl can seem great on one side of the door and on the other side be a monster | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 4/26/2006 2:22:51 PM | it could be as simple as...HIS attorney plays golf with your presiding judge (sad, but true). it could also be that the judge is looking for the parent who will MOST advocate the relationship with the ncp (usually the dad). you could be the most fabulous mom in the world, stand up in court, start hurling psycho allegations at your ex, while the judge looks on and thinks, "hm...losing her cool in court, also likely to lose her cool with the kids, not to mention that she has some lingering anger for the ex that will both damage the children and muck up the visitation schedule. getting caught in a lie will lose a "good mother" custody.. this happened to a friend of a friend of mine, her children are with their dad as we speak.
not to say that any of these scenerios "fit", and i have more often seen the flip side of the coin, where whoring, drug-abusing mom STILL gains custody of the kids OVER the gainfully employed, responsible, genuinely concerned father. | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 5/24/2006 6:08:27 PM | I went looking for the answer to this question tonight on a search engine, and lo and behold here are all the answers! Right above someone talks about a "whoring" mother. What about a whoring father?
As for who has been the most responsible, we can tell by the things that people write, where they might be found in the equation.
I was married to a truckdriver for 14 1/2 years. 2 months after I married him, I found out that he owed the IRS and other people money. I walked right into it. 14 years later he is not the same man, but guess who cleaned up the mess?? I did EVERYTHING while he was gone at least 5 days a week. In the early years thanks to his debt, I had to jump through the county hoops in order to get title 19 for the birth of our first daughter, that when my parents found out, they shamed ME for. I had NO help, and I had to figure out how to "fix" it all by myself.
When I told him I wanted the divorce, his state of mind was sorrow and he would have done anything to have me back and if I had known how to handle this, I could have filed it and it would have went through in my favor, because he had told me that he wouldn't sign "anything". (just like his own dad said to his mom)
What this all boils down to is that there is no justice in the United States judicial system. It is as crooked as they come. I didn't have an attorney, because the one I had when I started out didn't do anything for me $2000 later. I was going to give up custody, because I didn't have a lawyer, but a lawyer suggested to me that I go pro-se. He said that all I had to do was go in and tell the facts of what I did to contribute to the well being of the kids. I figured that since they had 'dirt" on me, that I would find some on him. Oh yeah, lets not forget, I did do some 'whoring around', but remember, I am no different than alot of people, so I don't believe that this is right to judge anyone by, but they used it against me. They used my part time job against me, which I had during the marriage to be available to the kids since their dad wasn't home. That made me "irresponsible and unprepared". (Today I have my real estate license.) He still drives the truck but told the judge that he gets home everyday, that he drives from Chicago to Des Moines, Chicago one day and Des Moines the next. Now, this only started 3 weeks before the trial, which was Feb 1st of this year. Many times already, I have had to do things for the kids, which should be a custodial parents responsibility, and a few times the kids have been home alone with no one there with them and this fact pains me a lot. They claimed that he would also be the better parent because he made more money than me, but they still make me pay for health insurance and some childsupport. $477 out of a $900 paycheck per month. I only get paid monthly. I can't buy groceries, I have to ask him to buy groceries for me. A very kind lady has agreed to let me live with her until I get back on my feet financially. I have all my startup expenses for my new career on a credit card which has to be paid by the end of July. Yes, he also gives me some gas money...thankfully, but as you can see, I am not living 'high on the hog'. The judge also decided that the kids wouldn't have religious instruction or a good moral example living with me, but keep in mind, my children and I have been pretty much on our own all these years, and they can tell you "where" mom ever got to go, which was nowhere. The judge used the fact that I wanted to restart my singing career as me not giving them a stable home since I'd most likely move away and yes, I admitted that that was a definite possibility. I am too honest for my own good and it hurts me everytime. It makes me wonder if I am the only one that ever gets what goes around, to come back on me, and everyone else gets to land on their feet. I guess the judge thinks that it's okay for my kids to be home alone.....
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 5/24/2006 11:55:35 PM | | i read an artical about custady . back in the early 1900's the men use to always get the kids becouse back then the kids were considerd property . then in the late 40's the women allways got the kids becouse they were allways at home taking care of them ...and then in the 60's and 70's there was the womens rights thing and today women go to work just like the men do and custady can be awarded to eather parent ... | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 5/25/2006 1:05:28 AM | One of my friends in another state lost custody of her 1 1/2 year old baby, she was a house wife, did not do drugs, non abusive, no mental conditions, Nothing, squeaky clean.. The reason she lost her son...She had no high school diploma or GED, no job skills, no family to help her get on her feet, which means no solid home, no financial security and no job. Her husband left her pennyless. The judge will give the child to who can provide best for the child both physically and financially, Which is sad, her husband ignored their son, was always gone working or with friends, wasnt abusive though, did not do drugs, had a well paying job and owned the home long before marriage and she had no rights to it. He fought her for custody to hurt her by using the kids because she was bitter over the breakup and wasnt civil (obviously) The court does not look at who hurt who in all cases, they look at...
1) financial security
2) housing
3) Job security
The fact she was living with the child in a shelter, was having trouble finding a job due to no work experiance ever (pregnant and married at 17) no GED or highschool diploma (over 18 even McDonalds wnats a ged or diploma now) and did not have a dollar to her name and no family willing to help her in the region...yeah the judge looked at the facts, he had the resources to provide a better life, she only had the resources to provide alot of love.
Love doesnt pay bills, buy clothes, put food on the table or a roof over the head unfortionantly. I have to say as sad as it was to see my friend loose her child for 6 months that was what was best for her son...other kids got everything stolen from them (clothes,diapers, anything that wasnt in the mothers pockets) and as hurt and upset she was for the seperation from her son being she was such a great mother, she knows she couldnt provide at that exact time and she loved her boy enough to want him to have a safe place to stay while she got on her feet. luckily though she enrolled in a ged class the state funded, got a job at a company that had in office daycare at reduced rates, and found an apt and got her son back through the courts... thats my answer lol, sorry so long | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 5/25/2006 7:12:24 AM | Hmmmm, this last posting is almost the same that I had to go trough and I am certainly beleive now that it is really up to what kind of judge do you get. Because last year when I had to go to a shelter with my son after a big fight with my ex....I was a stay at home mom as well, my family is back in Hungary, I have nobody here. Needless to say my ex's family turned against me, even though they loved me liked their own daughter. Well, yeah I know blood is thicker!
Anyhow, after 10 days in the shelter I met with my ex so he can see our son in a Mcdonalds. Not only there he had me served with divorce papers, but he grabbed our son and started taking off with him and called the cops on me saying that I was hurting him.....i have never ever been in such a humiliating situation in my life. Well, i spent 1 week waiting for a hearing without my son and no attorney to represent me. But I guess I got lucky because I had some savings back in HU that I totally forgot about. So i got a great attorney and a week later I was ready for the hearing. Needless to say that on the hearing, I was the worst mom and worst person in the whole world.....we got temporary orders where he had to pay me alimony, he got the house and we got 50-50 custody (one week on one week off), untill the divorce....
I spent one month looking for a job which was very hard. I never had a job in the USA before, I was always a house wife and a stay at home mom. But after a month I found a job and started working. It cut off a lot off time that I could spend with my little boy. My ex is on dissability and he makes tons more money than I do. SO not only he could stay home with our son, not only he was in the family home and not only he made so much more than I did and he had the family to support him...oh and im not even a US citizen....
With all that came the trial last year October. I was working full time, my ex was still on dissability. My parents came too to help me through, it was so sad.
Well, after a week of battle, listening to my ex badmouthing me for everything...he subpoenad everybody who was involved in my life.....I only needed 30 minutes on the stand. The judge didnt even need to hear any of my witnesses, he already knew his decision.
I got primary custody....so yes it matters how you present yourself...very much so.
I never say anything bad about my ex, not even up to this day. Even though he took me back to court after the final trial 3!!!! times, trying to proove that I was a lesbian suicidal hooker! And I am serious!
So just about the above, you can see my situation was similar to the above posting and I still a got primary custody. Yes it is very hard not to lose it when there are so much anger built up, but you just have to do it...bite your tong, and if you cant say anything nice about your ex....well, than say nothing at all! | |
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| How good mother's lose custody todays?
Posted: 5/25/2006 10:32:59 AM | Bibstar,
Ug Im sorry you had to go through that. Its tough when your not from here I agree, but you made it and got your baby which is what matters! My mothers boyfriend is from there and we are trying to teach my boys hungarian. Intresting language! If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to contact me. Once again Im so happy you won, your right, in alot of cases it is up to the judge. My friend couldnt get allimony being she agreed in writing before marriage that neither her or her hubsand gets it and he keeps his house no matter what. She signed it thinking it was gonna last forever, good luck with everything though! | |
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