| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:39:09 AM | I live with someone....hmmmmmm......it's ok, but, it has it's ups and downs...actually, I prefer not to be married, but, I would not or I might want to see my friend leave. Getting married is easy! Getting out of a failed marriage is a mess...is marriage worth a divorce since I think it's about 50% or more that get divorced...I have been living with somebody or should I say she lives with me for 3 months. I was married 25 years and got divorced in, I think, 2005.
I do prefer my own solo life etc. but I do like having a friend....marriage, na....I say that now.....other things come into play...pre nups etc...I own things like my pension, my house, another house etc....she will never get them, never...I have decided that whoever, if I decide to get hitched again she will have to sign pre nups..simple
Actually, I never want to get married again....something tells me that...
If there is a heaven, I think there will be no marriages...... | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 5:38:06 AM |
That is a good way to get started I suppose, but the love part of marriage, I think is actually a decision.
love is ultimately a choice
I couldn't agree more.
I find it ironic in an age when we are supposed to be more free and independent, we rely heavily upon other people and things to make us "happy".
My theory on that is that people have become so fixated in the blame game that they defer accountability for their own happiness as well on their partner. Absolves them (the one projecting it) of personal accountability.
Refreshing to encounter someone who actually "gets it".
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 5:54:26 AM | I guess I am the one to disagree here. Yes, I was married for 16 years. Ultimately it didn't work but I don't regret it. I think when you live with someone it's too easy to walk away when things get bumpy instead of working them out vs. being married. I don't see living with someone as much of a committment as being married, so less likely to work through the hard times. I think more people are living together for convience and financial reason's rather then wanting to be committed to that person. I'm sure alot will disagree with me but that's how I see it.
C~ | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 5:56:34 AM | its really just the same thing except one you had a great day wore a fantastic dress
and had fun with your friends
or was that melbourne cup who remembers | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:05:43 AM | I think cohabitation is an excellent alternative. The main exceptions would be if you plan to have children together or simply WANT to get married, you should get married - in my opinion. We've been cohabiting for over 7 years. We may get married in the near future, too, and we've both been married before.
Older couples have less practical need for marriage, if indeed there is any practical need (other than Social Security benefits, perhaps). Virtually all other issues can be handled by things such as medical power of attorney, wills, trusts, insurance policies, annuities, and beneficiary designations.
As for more cohabiting couples splitting up compared to married couples, perhaps this is a GOOD thing! Why? Because many married couples who DON'T split up only stay because of the difficulties of separating and remain unhappily married. Often this is financial - they feel trapped. If they were not married, they could simply leave or be left. Since I believe almost everyone should take responsibility for themselves and be able to support themselves, this seems fair. (Clearly there are many other circumstances, including ongoing social and psychological impediments preventing married couples splitting up, but I won't go into that.)
There are also problems with cohabitation - in many jurisdictions, you will eventually be considered to be in a common law marriage, and lose the benefits that cohabitation provides. This can often be avoided by crafting and signing a "Non-Marital Cohabitation Agreement" and have it notarized. It's valid in many states. This is essentially a contract that preserves your singlehood, clearly states your intentions not to marry (you still can, of course) or be considered married, and usually states each persons financial responsibilities and assets while together. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 32 | |
| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:19:46 AM | The only problem I have with "living together" is when kids are involved. I beleive its a horrible mistake to drag already existsing kids around forcing them to live with mommy/daddy's new squeeze and "play house" . Kids should never ever have to deal with this stuff and kids' home should always be their sanctuary. that means NO OUTSIDERS should be bargin into their home. dragging kids into playing house with strangers is creeeeeeeeeeeepy and confusing.
I also think it a terrible, ridiculous idea to make NEW babies if you're not married. It's too confusign, and too easy for guys to deny paternity. Mom has to go through the hassles of proving hes the dad after they break up and everyone fights about it. meantime the KID is the one who suffers by not having child support due to him or not having mom and dad emotionally available to the kid.
Obviously I know marriage is hard and doesnt always last forever, but youve got a HELL of a better chance if both adults were able to think BEFOREHAND and make a commitment to each other PRIOR to making babies and renting the UHaul to relocate together. Children deserve the BEST possible chance of success.
If its 2 adults with NO kids and NO plans to have any kids and NOT looking to get married then I think living together is FANTASTIC!!! Ive done that several times and it was wonderful....really really nice situations for us all.
I could be open to doing it again....i dont have any typical reasons NOT to do it...but as I get older I do see a new issue emerging. The new situation is that I like my stuff my way in my house by my rules on my schedule with my seasonings and my furniture and decor and music and my remote control. To be honest.....living together has LOTS of great aspects ...............but Im not sure I wanna share my stuff/my time again. The P.E.R.F.E.C.T arrangement for me is that we each keep our own separate houses and we have a 3rd house we share. or that one of us travels A LOT..........................I need my privacy. A guy hanging around me 24/7/365 would drive me BATTY. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:20:06 AM | | I'm actually less likely to get married again. While I wouldn't mind "co-habitating", or going so far as to have a "domestic partnership" with a man, the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me. It's the "submissiveness" attitude that a woman is supposed to take. That I can't do. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:26:34 AM |
It's the "submissiveness" attitude that a woman is supposed to take
Here is where men and women typically "miss the mark". It's not intended to be one submitting and the other lording over - it's more about each submitting to each other, yet retaining their respective identities. Marriage isn't an employment contract in other words.
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:38:04 AM | Living together as an alternative to marriage is IMO, slightly different than living together as a trial to marriage. To those who prefer it as an alternative, it is fine, as long as one of them (only) does not expect it to progress to marriage.
As a trial to marriage, I believe a set time frame should accompany the initial discussion , to avoid any possible misunderstandings, or feelings of resentment should things start looking like they may not be moving toward marriage afterall.
All in all though, I do still personally believe in an eventual marriage, even though I'm in no rush to do so. Having previously been in a bad marriage is for me, no reason to disrespect a future love, by using that as my reasoning to refuse to take his name .
*C* | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:58:06 AM | For me personally, I think it is important to define 'marriage' here. I believe two people can be married without the presence of the State or a contract. A social ceremony performed in front of family and friends is a 'marriage' and publically states that two people are pledging their lives together and this creates a bond and obligation all on it's own; no governmental or religious entity needed.
It is the ceremony that is important....the public declaration. If two people want to live together without the ceremony, well, that is fine too. But if there is an overwhelming desire to get married, I think that can be done without all the governmental and legal hassles normally associated with it.
So there IS a difference between living together and being married, it's just not necessary to have the State involved to make it official.
Just my thoughts.............
'Seph | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:26:46 AM | well I met a wonderful guy from POF and we just got along totally amazing... we decided to take the plunge and try living together as we lived 2 hours apart, and we also had two boyz the same age and school was soon to start. after discussing this with the boys that got along well. we moved to his area.
Okay thats fun.. from day one he allowed his child to manipulate me, and run all over me.. My son knew better and had great respect for my partner inspite of his sons short cummings. After a threatening letter his son had to leave.. whom I actually miss. but it was for the best. anyway back on topic... things I thought were going awesome.. But now for me to find he is constantly chatting to other women on POF and they are e-mailing him thnking he is single I guess.. he also recently sent a rose and this card with a heart on it to a women and it said I love you or something like I love you... well he sent two cards.
How do I know this the guy accidently left our computer up and it was right up and it said it chis name (blank) and sent you a rose then one with a gift something like that...
of course I looked at it.. I dont send cards with gifts stating I love u! I almost died my heart has been broken ever since this happened... No I haven't confronted him. obviously he is cheating. or wants to cheat.. if someone looses interest or there is a problem a good line of communication is always the answer... he likes to just walk away from any discussions period.
he was also just got red handed in a lie.. so he is obviously not a trust worth man. (or the man I really fell in love with.. I gave up my two bedroom apartment, and I was financially set up and had a great place. I made the move. I uprooted my 17 year old (at the time) to change high schools. My son was a honor student . His son went twice a week, So I'm feeling I made all the sacrifices and for what now.. I openly and honestly gave him everything I had.He got rid of his old car and now drives his com. truck and my vehicle . so he no longer has insurance or vehicle. iam so hurt and I thought well may be I should get my ducks in a row, as chatting to him, is something he will walk away from, or avoid... apparently this is how this man I truly gave myself too rolls... It;s a shame.. And No sex wasn't an issue here at all... I think he wants his playtime, and yet he has gained back stability again, and dosen't want to give that up.. he is a curious man and i'm open to new things.. But it rolls only one way.. I know I'm being used and shafted... So The point being... You don't that real true person till you live with them!-Don't give away your independence! | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/21/2007 5:39:55 AM | There is a difference--an obvious difference. People who actually get married benefit with better health and longevity. People who cohabitate do not fare a whole lot better than single people. Men even less so than women.
Obviously there is a great mental benefit to being married over cohabitating. Humans must 'need' it in order to live their healthiest and fullest lives.
I believe this indicates humans have a need to need others and be needed and marriage is the only thing that satisfies this need to an optimum level. Due to this I doubt marriage ever dies out even though it is changing. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:44:14 AM | long answer - you'll have to email me for it.
briefly though - it's damnable if chastity isn't included. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/21/2007 11:17:01 AM | i've read about that in YM magazine when i was in h.s.! lolz!
i think it's mainly because they have this "trail mode" mentality and when the "real thing" kicks in, they still haven't let go of this idea that they can let go anytime type of thing...hence, they divorce.
ALSO, i *think*, for those who don't do the "trial run", they take marriage way too seriously that for them to even consider marriage, that s.o. is really the one. therefore, when struggles happen, they try to make it work, not with the whole, "we're just not compatible living together".
i mean for me, i wouldn't wanna live in with the guy first. i think i'd know if i can stand *the rest of my life* with him, or not. and either way, you work to make it last...it's beyond compatibility. it's about compromising and all that jaz.... | |
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Hal9K
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Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 43 | |
| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/21/2007 12:31:47 PM | Or maybe, just maybe, it could be that people who are inclined to do trial run marriages are just people who are less inclined to view commitment as important as those who would never consider it. Statistics can be useful in pointing some things out as trends and behaviors, but when it comes to relationships that involve so many other variables(i.e. culture, family history, religion and values) can easily skew the results on such a study.
It seems to me on an anecdotal level that either choice implies no additional risk that wasn't already present with that person before the choice was made. It may just be that if you consider cohabitation as a possibility, the increased risk may already exist.
Just a thought. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/21/2007 12:58:08 PM | | If someone truly loves you they will make the ultimate committment to you and marry you. Why be in a relationship where you know from the start that either party can bail at any time for any reason? Relationships go through their ups and downs and I think that I would want a relationship on a solid foundation when those challenging times happen. Just my 2 cents worth... | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/24/2007 7:26:48 PM | My sister has been through two failed marriages... one cheated and the other lost his mind (literally)... She now lives with her boyfriend of almost two years. They are very happy and rarely fight. Both of her boys (ages 17 and 15) are well adjusted and like the boyfriend. Cohabitation works for her.
I lived with a boyfriend in college. It was horrible... he cheated and was abusive. I didn't live with my soon to be exhusband before marriage... he cheated and was abusive. Both situations were NOT good. Not sure what I'll do if I ever get very very serious with someone and its either marriage or cohabitation. I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there... though I'm leaning more towards living together since my divorce has been such a pain in the ass to get. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/24/2007 9:10:39 PM | | It's the new millenium - marriage is SO overrated....besides why marry when you can co-habitate? As long as you take separate vacations, then you don't have to worry about prenups or losing any money - perfect for everybody! | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 12:08:42 AM | i find its a good idea.most people get married too quick and thats why it doesnt work.they should live together a whille before and see if it works.cause some people have never lived together.they always got along and they decide to get married but they dont understand that living under the same roof is different than just dating one another.sometimes people totally change once they live together.so i say move in together and see how it works out before getting married.
it would save a lot of money on divorces and lots of trouble down the road. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 12:12:22 AM | I think you should live with someone before you marry them, and you shouldn't have kids with someone you're not married to.
So I'm all for cohabitation as an alternative to marriage *UNLESS* you're having kids with them. | |
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saw12
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Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 49 | |
| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 12:26:28 AM | i been married 27 yrs now and you know i still think people rush into it with out thinking i guess there is a mate out there for everyone.  what i see now is younger ones have kids and well most are only kids them selfs but if Cohabitation.work i say it could be great for some | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 12:38:51 AM | Maybe because it's so late at night or maybe it's because I've finally crossed the threshold of mundane predictable and obvious post overload by reading this one but all I can picture is one of those astonishingly annoying LOL Cats and the caption:
I IZ IN UR hOUSE
COHABITATIN' UR BIT_CHEZ | |
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