| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 3:40:43 AM | To avoid a messy divorce - cohabitation . My own experince was that we both realised that we shouldnt be married and while there was a sense of annoyance we still got on with one another.
Until of course the lawyers got involved and started making it into a formal blame game where our assets were to be argued over subject to their percentage of course.
I guess the act of the wedding where both parties "set their stall out" and promise in front of all of their friends and families to commit to each other no matter what is missing from living together and from that point makes it all to easy to split at the earliest opportunity. If there was a happy medium where this was done and there was nothing contractural in place for the ambulance chasers seems the best bet. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 5:12:12 AM | Then again you get people who become so complacent with their relationship and take advantage of the trap (oh I mean committment) of the marriage. It depends on the person admittedly, but how can you know ahead of time?
The 'gotcha' aspect of female persuasion; that would be another topic for me, but like I said; my experience with my ex was that she gave up on our marriage very early when we lived together because I was not like her parents. Her expectations of me were not met, and our communication styles were at oppisite ends of the globe; only to be discovered once living together. Despite my huge efforts to make our relationship work; a marriage is 100% each, not 50/50 as some would assume. There is only so long that a healthy relationship can last with one person carrying all the weight, or a much larger portion. Perhaps for some the easy exitability of a co-habitation makes for to loose of a relationship, but then again how many more marriages dissolve because there is no fear of losing the other person; thereby making the best effort to keep the other person? | |
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Sigi
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Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 53 | |
| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 6:26:08 AM |
So I was reading through a psychology book and found a section stating that the divorce rates are rising.
I also found that the number of adults living together without getting married is increasing and that this cohabitation is to act as a sort of "Trial marriage".
What does everyone think about this cohabitation as an alternative to marriage?
Op, in the Netherlands for example it is very common to live together without being married.
Call it a 'Trial marriage'....I call it common sense..... | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 7:22:10 AM | COHABITATION: moving your toothbrush into his apartment while you play with each other's genitals. Getting out when the going gets rough.
MARRIAGE: tremendous obligation and legal responsibility for the other person when the going gets rough. More growth, more depth, more pain, more compromise. You are their legal counterpart and representative. Not so easy to get out when the going gets rough. You can stay overnight in the hospital if they are ill because you are family, etc and people just seem to respect you more. There is also a strange connected bond that exists and is indestructible that just isn't there when you 'play house.'
Neither is better. It depends on the person. Cohabitation is right for some, marriage is right for others. They both have their advantages and disadvantages. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 8:02:20 AM | Until of course the lawyers got involved and started making it into a formal blame game where our assets were to be argued over subject to their percentage of course.
Always such a lame-a$$ argument!!!
Lawyers don't act on there own. They do what their clients tell them to do. So if one or both partners is an a$$-hole during a divorce I garauntee they'd be the same A-hole during a "co-habitation" break-up.
I've seen plenty of people get screwed over during the break-up of a "co-habitiation" arrangement. And they find themselves with no legal leg to stand on. They have to rely on good graces of someone they just broke up with. I've seen folks lose cars, their share of the equity in a house, and money in shared bank accounts.
If the divorce is messy it's b/c someone is trying to screw someone else over. And that same someone would have tried to screw someone else over if they were only "living together". | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 8:11:48 AM | Living together first only gives both of you
the chance to get to know each other better.
It certainly is unrealistic to think this will
secure a marriage later. Many people that I
know personally live together and never
have married. The ex lived with his gf for
nine years, married and separated two months
later. Their divorce is now final.
Marriage is a total giving of the heart and soul
where each work at keeping it as new and alive
as the first day they met. It is not impossible,
it depends on both of you wanting the same.
JMHO | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 10:20:05 AM | Whether you do one or the other, it still all comes down to finding the right person.
I'm not opposed to the idea of getting married, in fact I do want to do it one day, but I can't lie and say that the prospects of getting married aren't a bit terrifying. I've seen it happen with coworkers. Someone gets divorced then he loses his house, barely sees his kids and loses most of the assets he's worked for his whole life. And usually the financial devastation is enough where he can't start over and get on with his life because he is often being bled out to dry. And the house and money are losses for sure, but you can always replace those things, it's the idea that you can only see your kids a few days a month that really breaks people I know.
I know that scenario isn't 100 percent accurate to every divorce, but it happens so often from my viewpoint, that it simply makes most guys my age leery about the prospects of marriage. Unfortunately long term cohabitation in most cases is the same as marriage in most states. So there really is no legal and financial benefit to it at all most of the time.
I do agree though that your "status" isn't such a huge deal if you are childless. I think if you decide to have kids, marriage is a more stable option for raising those kids.
It comes down to finding the right person. If you find the right person, it won't matter what you call it or what ceremony you have. Although you'd be hard pressed to find a woman out there who didn't want to get married eventually. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 10:39:54 AM | | AMEN!!! AND REMEMBER....IF YOU CANT BE WITH THE 1 U LOVE love the 1 youre with!!! | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 11:17:02 AM | marriage is a religious concept...
really something not to be bothered with...
when gays wanted the right to marry I thought...
why would they want it? | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 11:18:15 AM | I've cohabitated..twice and I'm only 24. Lived w/the first one for a year, and the other one for over 2...
Truly one of the stupidest moves I've ever made, and I'm never living with someone again until I'm married. None of this "test the waters" bullcrap. People didn't test the waters 100 years ago and they stayed married...if you're not sure you can live with someone, and all of their quirks, than perhaps you shouldn't be marrying them. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 12:59:25 PM | First, I want to let you know a little about me. I am a Christian. I have been one for 13 years. I am not a pastor but I am a leader in my church. I have been through all of the good, bad and ugly that churches have to offer. I have been through the personal ups and downs of my relationship with God. I have studied the Bible through and through many times over.
What I have to say goes against mainstream beliefs but that does not make what I say any less true. What matters is that it is in line with the Bible says and more impotantly what it does not say. I am sure that it come as a surprise to some and ignite fury in others but......the truth will set you free.
That is my point in a nutshell....the will set you free. There are many circumstances when man's traditions get in the way of love. For example, endless divorce hearings, the "bride price", arranged marriages, some instances of overbearing martial law, war, meaningless traditions, pride and prejudice....situations as portrayed in Braveheart etc, etc. It is Gode's will that nothing, and I mean nothing stands in the way of love. The church, the state, the culture, the time period......all of these have no moritorium on love or the exclusive right to permit or prohibit it.
God knows your heart, He knows your intention. He will not bless anything that is done in deception, for financial gain, in vain conceit, born of selfishness or petty lust. Marriage is between one man, one woman and one God. Sexual intimacy is reserved for this circumstance and no other.
However, alas we are free. Free to do whatever, however, whenver we please.....If you love someone set them free, right?
Cohabitation has its place in the process of getting to know one another. I dont know how you truly "know" someone unless you got to smell their ripe flatulence first thing in the morning or dealt with each crisis face to face. But the main thrust of the cohabitation must be leading toward a public ackowledgment of marriage. After all, it is more than just two people coming together; it is two families, two worlds and a wonderful celebration. If this is not the full intention of the parties involved then the intention is selfishness, convenience and lust.
Now it may seem foolish to participate in a wedding ceremony when the two are already joined at the hip but if you are thinking that way then you are only thinking of yourself. If you could care less about your families involvement in the marriage that is easily enough understood but remember....you are joining the family and so is your mate. So are you going to let the families brood over this percieved slight for the rest of your lives? Bottom line is ....it is best to involve the families as much as possible and the first step in that is a marriage ceremony.
So I say not cohabitation vs. marriage. I say cohabitation + marriage. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 1:06:22 PM | mermeeeget:
Truly one of the stupidest moves I've ever made, and I'm never living with someone again until I'm married.
My words exactly- test the waters, yeah okay. I lost everything just like a marriage
only legally I got f*cked up the ass. At least with a marriage you have some
protection. Her post says it all- maybe you should not be getting married
if you have to test out living together first.
My parents never lived together and they are married fifty years so
"getting to know each other" is a load of crap. Make a commitment
and stick by that commitment- and get to know that person every day
you are married to them.
Curlygrl~ | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 1:12:04 PM | my personal view is based on my personal experience... marriage is not everything... if I find someone who is the love of my life a big expense and a party not to mention the piece of paper does not mean the day after because I am married I will love them more..
That is not to say I don't like marriage or I would shy away from it but its not the be all and end all for me.. having a loving person to share my life with is more important... if we get married then, yeah ok great ,but lets do it small style to show that is not just for show...
I think more and more people appreciate that these days. Marriage is a lot of money..most of all preparing it is a lot of stress which you don't need in your life | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 1:30:01 PM | marmeeeeget,
Get a hold of yourself, stand back up, slap some cold water on your face, and here this.
Fornication isn't legal in this age and the blood of messiah didn't clean that on up at all. (on the contrary it is the singular fully-non-dietary moral imperitive that the gentiles must learn before being baptized). Neither did the law of moses become bullshit in this age of the gentiles and i can prove that without fear of contradiction and it forbids marriage to a non-virgin unless she's a widow or divorced and divorce was completely done away with in this age and i can prove that also except for those who claim that paul changed this for abandonment by an unbeliever and i can involve in wonderful difficulties any such idea. Is this getting less funny yet.
Marriage is between one man, one woman and one God. Sexual intimacy is reserved for this circumstance and no other.
If what you are teaching here is that polygamy isn't marriage your teaching is false. Also, if your comment about sexual intimacy is no more and no less than a comment about a man defiling himself with his neighbors wife, you are correct, otherwise your teaching is false here also. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 1:32:47 PM | Too many marriages do end in divorce now days and getting divorced is very costly also...the divorce lawyers are making a killing raking in the doe.....have you asked a lawyer what the going price of a simple divorce is now days..one without children, and the cost of one with children, and great-scot if there is property between the two! Price the cost of that divorce. It is way high. Men and women are tired of being married for a few months to a couple of years and then all of a sudden a divorce and then there are the divorce fights over who get what..................
They use to say back when I was in my teens (35+years) that if a married couple could stay married through the first 7-8 years they stood a chance of making the marriage work. Now days it is if they can stay married 3-4 years they have a chance of staying married for 10-15 years before they are divorced. There are so very many reasons why couples get divorced now and the ones who are divorced are not in any hurry to remarry (like myself been single since my divorce 20 years). We all wonder...are we going to get hurt again, be took to the "cleaners," how long before she/he cheets on me, ETC? | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 1:46:10 PM |
We all wonder...are we going to get hurt again, be took to the "cleaners," how long before she/he cheets on me, ETC?
And those same thoughts run through the heads of people who co-habitat. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 2:11:50 PM | I don't consider it an alternative, I consider it more of a trial run to make sure that everything works.
There's a huge difference in relationship that can occur when you live together an when you don't. I want to know what day to day life will be like before a formal binding ceremony, but I'd also like the commitment of a legal binding. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 2:14:24 PM | elligiable, what in the HELL are you talking about? I think you have me confused with another poster..all i posted on this topic was this...and it has nothing to do with what you said...um, you need to go back, reread, and then apologize to me because what you said has absoultely nothing to do with what I posted.
I've cohabitated..twice and I'm only 24. Lived w/the first one for a year, and the other one for over 2...
Truly one of the stupidest moves I've ever made, and I'm never living with someone again until I'm married. None of this "test the waters" bullcrap. People didn't test the waters 100 years ago and they stayed married...if you're not sure you can live with someone, and all of their quirks, than perhaps you shouldn't be marrying them. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 2:25:22 PM | Some of the quirks don't come out until you're married.
My parents love each other very much, but I'm fairly certain that they wouldn't have married if my mother had lived with my father before hand. A bunch of little things would have driven her mad.
Also, the socio economic state of things was very different 100 years ago. Men needed women to run the house, women needed men to provide. Now everyone claims to not need anyone. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 2:39:36 PM | you said it yourself--they love eachother very much.
bottom line.
Some of the quirks don't come out until your married? DUH
So because someone has quirks...they shouldn't be married? No one is perfect..of course people do things that make other people twinge, but you learn to overlook them and you love the person regardless...I cannot believe what I'm reading on this thread!!!
Crazy things like being abusive or cheating, etc. is one thing...but having a pet peeve or not liking someones quirks is now a justifiable reason for getting a divorce or saying "bye bye, i can't marry you because you chew to loud" what the f*ck MY GOD!!! I cannot believe this..lol. 
And of course things were different a 100 years ago..the world has evolved, roles have changed...so are you saying marriage is now obsolete??????? What about love? Nevermind the piece of paper..what about self sacrifice, and putting yourself before someone else, having a strong commitment, the ability to work through things and support eachother together, having a family with protection and stability...Isn't that what marriage is supossed to be about? Of course all these things are possible with cohabitation, but isn't marriage supossed to be a good thing? Not about gender roles and annoying quirks???!!?
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 2:44:02 PM | Cohabitation is avoidance of the legal relationship. Occasionally it has financial bennefits (there's a better income tax rate compared to combined income... )
There are institutionalized financial bennefits to the legal marriage. Some jobs automaticly give health care to spouses of employees. The military gives an increase in pay and bennefits for being married (or having legal dependants... normally meaning children) along with the health care for the spouse.
The income tax system is keyed to expecting a one-income family... so there's a "marriage penalty" if both the husband and wife work. Eventually they may cure that.
The gays want the legal bennefits of "marriage"... ability to collect social security survivor's bennefits for one.
Marriage is a legal contract. Unless that contract is modified by other legal documents, it automaticly sets up the spouse as primary for inheriting any property or money when one of the 2 people die. Without the marriage contract, if someone dies "intestate" while cohabitating... their partner is potentially "SOL" | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 3:48:22 PM | There's pros and cons to both, it really boils down to what a couple wants, where they are in their lives. I think at my young age, I'd rather live in "sin", or the most ideal situation is where we have our own houses, next door to each other!  | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 8/25/2007 4:57:43 PM | marmeeeeeget
If you are a virgin or widow who didnt "know" these guys, i should apologize, but in the future u should mention the fact that there was no hanky panky - i never failed to mention that when i had a roomate for a while - and if you are ashamed of virginity or chastity - then i shouldn't apologize. | |
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