| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:35:51 AM |
why is it after you get married the man changes and things just get worse
"Why did YOUR MAN change?", not men in general.
You were there, why do you think he changed? Marriage had nothing to do with it, he was going change anyway, marriage or not. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:59:55 AM |
Ok, CO...you know why divorce rates are increasing?...Because divorce is JUST like breaking up...only with paperwork. You religious? I'm not. I don't give a mouse's sh!t if I'm married in the eyes of some god or not. It's stupid. The whole idea of marriage is stupid and people have begun to realize it.
I have been married, and I have done the cohabitating thing. In my opinion, cohabitating is just another word for "playing house". Living together instead of making it real by taking the vows of marriage is "playing house".
I'm not sure why those who prefer one option feel the need to disrespect those who prefer the other.
I'm in the camp of not believing in marriage - FOR ME - because I personally have no religious beliefs that make it important, and couldn't care less what the state or society at large think of my choices.
But I understand why it's important to some people, and they're not "stupid" because of their beliefs.
Re: the second quote. Ah, well. Some will never believe a non-married couple are doing anything more than "playing house." That's OK. I very much enjoyed my 25 years of "non-real" happiness. And ironically, considering I'd never agree to make such a vow, it lasted til death did us part. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:06:28 AM | | I would pick cohabitation. I would never want any one to stay with me for reasons other than love and that they wanted to be with me. Spent last years of my marriage trying to live up to a promise made long ago. Was not fair to him or me. I would never want promises of forever. Just honesty. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/8/2007 8:51:05 AM | my last relationship i lived with my ex and when we broke up it was really like going though a divorce separating all our stuff out and it was just so hard. i really dont think id live with a guy again unless i had a ring on my finger and there was serious talks of marriage.
divorce costs all of money so if you just live together you don't have to go through a lot of the shit like going to see a lawyer paying spousal support or child support. I think its a lot less hassle. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/8/2007 9:02:25 AM |
Do a search on the internet and you will find many sources that basically say that living together first does not automatically translate to a successful marriage
I agree with this whole heartily. I lived with my ex for four years...no major issues...it wasn't until we had that piece of paper saying we were married that all the issues from his past came out. Not sure why, tired of worrying about it.
As a single parent, and because of my personal feelings, while it would be nice to have the financial advantages of living together...I am not sure I would do it at this time. But never say never lol. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/10/2007 10:27:37 PM |
you don't have to go through a lot of the shit like going to see a lawyer paying spousal support or child support.
Living-together or married, if children are involved, then child support issued should be treated just alike. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/10/2007 10:58:50 PM | It's very sad that people look to the benefits of co-habitating and hold fast to the escape clause just in case it doesn't work out.
Just so much easier to walk away from the relationship without a tag or title of divorcee although they have co-habitated and lived as married....says something about character. I have friends who have been married at least once then lived with 2 to 3 mates for 4, 5, even 10 years and then separated. Yet because they never married again they are deemed 'smart' for never commiting.....Cowards!!!
For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and till death do us part means very little to people these days. Everyone wants a commitment for better, health, and an early escape if needed but no one wants to commit and holdfast to the whole package. So take your pick.....cohabitat or get married.....it's not about the situation....it's about the person. Choose wisely. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/10/2007 11:39:59 PM | | If these were my only two choices, I'd have to pick cohabitation. But really...I think sharing a duplex would be best! | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/11/2007 12:27:45 AM | I totally agree with you...you know what they say about being forewarned... | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/11/2007 2:17:30 AM |
I have friends who have been married at least once then lived with 2 to 3 mates for 4, 5, even 10 years and then separated. Yet because they never married again they are deemed 'smart' for never commiting.....Cowards!!!
I don't understand what makes one a coward because they choose not to get married. If the relationship didn't work out, isn't it a GOOD thing that they didn't get married?
I guess I really don't see proving that I have balls as a good reason to get married. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/11/2007 3:16:13 AM | I like the idea of marriage because it gives people incentive to work out their problems.
That's why the divorce rate is so high-- people don't really know the people they're "in love with" and many don't try to fix things. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/11/2007 5:28:14 AM |
But really...I think sharing a duplex would be best!
 or just live in houses beside each other.....spice it up!!! | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/13/2007 2:39:46 PM | Dawn....I am not disrespecting you or anyone here who has a different opinion about marriage versus cohabitating....I expressed my opinion....and if you re-read MY quote that you decided to "Quote" in your post, you will see that I DID say "in my opinion".
Why? Because I lived with a man for several years who I planned to spend the rest of my life with...with or without the legal paper. In my heart he was my husband and that is all that counted for me...and he felt the same...or so he said when we lived together. After he dicided that he no longer wanted to be in a "commited relationship" he told me that he had never made that commitment to me in his heart. And that he believed that marriage was the only commitment that a couple could make. And he went on to say that he never was sure of his love for me, and that is why he never committed to me.
He lived with me because:
It was easier...non-commital fun...and easier to get out of.
That is what HE told ME.
So that is why it is MY OPINION....
Thank you. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/13/2007 5:27:29 PM |
Dawn ....I am not disrespecting you or anyone here who has a different opinion about marriage versus cohabitating....I expressed my opinion....and if you re-read MY quote that you decided to "Quote" in your post, you will see that I DID say "in my opinion".
You're right. That wasn't the best example to use as one of the "anti" cohabitation remarks. I should have searched for one of the people who described me as a "coward" or "lacking character."
Actually, now that I think about it, the "playing house" phrase kind of makes me smile. It was a peaceful, playful life. Sigh. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/13/2007 5:31:46 PM | Re the OPost:
I think neither is prudent. Separate houses/flats is best. Cohabitation invokes legal ties in some countries. And the two people share their love and norhing else! Pure! lol | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 12:25:46 AM | | ..Cohabitation is a good trial run of the circumstances you'll be in for ideally the rest of your life .As a temporary option, I think it's practical and ideal one. As a permanent one, I don't believe it would be the best choice for overall relationship stability. I've done it while being engaged; I became disengaged due to what I experienced over that short co-habitation period. Co-habitation opens your eyes to all the various things about your partner( health issues etc..) that you would not have otherwise seen over the course of just dating them alone. Over the short-term great idea. Over the long-term, not so great an idea....just my take;-) | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 12:39:22 AM | After two "failed" marriages I kind of look forward to having a long term relationship with the "comfort" of knowing that NOTHING is keeping it together other than the daily decision of the parties involved to feed and nurture the relationship...
Way too many people look at marriage as a license to treat each other like sh#t... They get lazy and think that some damn piece of paper sitting in a court house somewhere is going to make it "harder" to break up than stay together...
My current perspective is that if you are relying on the power of law - ie: the men with guns - to keep your relationship together then good luck - you'll need it... (And for bible-thumpers - I really do not think God assigns any more value to that piece of paper in the courthouse than the rest of us do...) | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 1:12:20 AM | Great great comments.
As per research and statistics, I remember reading that the percentage of break ups and separation within people who co habitate is actually more significant than with married people . Apparently, signing the 'contract' facilitates the commitment at a more deeper level. I assume it makes it symbolically stronger. Some explanations pointed to the fact that not being married, hence, being easier to go for the door without too much complications. The survey obviuosly didn't consider relationships' survival based on purely feelings, as much as in tolerance to the unavoidable stages of discomfort and stormy weathers within any committed relationship. Where I live, cohabitating for 2 years gives very similar rights to assets as if married, and governments are discussing to make it more so. I suppose that's a consideration to how many more people are co habitating in Australia as well. I am all against staying together for reasons other than feelings, with or without contracts. Both arrangements will have 'issues' when the relationship fails beyond repair. Personally, I will not marry or co habitate again. Personally, if what I'm writing comes back to bite me, I will never enter into a live-in, 24/7, arrangement without some kind of a 'written' contract. And these days, contracts seem to come with sub contracts, such as pre nuptial agreements (particularly for the older population who already built assets of their own).
I agree with whoever wrote that if a partner is going to change after any commitment is made, s/he will change any way, married or de facto. Someone can win our heart, body and soul by pretending, but nobody can keep it up for a life time.
As the 'guru' of most Americans, Dr Phil, will reinforce = you marry one person but divorce another one. In co habitation, you move in with one person but kick out another one.
Bye
B | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 2:38:25 AM |  A friend of mine could not stay married to save his Life, but he did Live with the woman he called his wife for over 20 years, she go Cancer and Died a few years ago...
My Heart calls for Marriage and my attorney,Demands Prenupts and Cohabitation, but women are not intrested in me, So me thinks I will always be alone... | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 10:36:08 AM | Ok, prolly gonna get kicked for this but hell, it won't be the first time. I grew up in a small town in the "bible belt" where co-habitation was frowned upon and marriage was not only expected of a couple, you were looked on as majorly "flawed" by family and friends if you DIDN'T marry at some point, and preferably early on so you wouldn't become an old maid or confirmed bachelor. Dumb huh? but that's how it's always been here until the last few years, and still is to a large degree. Yep, I caved to peer and family expectations, and married both times for the wrong reasons, just to feel accepted...low self esteem issues will do that to ya. But, though I am a very faith filled person, I'm not a "religious" person...I don't necessarily agree with the rules people set up in the name of their faith and expect others to go along with them as if the makers of those rules are somehow more of an authority on what my creator would have me do than I would be. Over the years, I have come to agree with views like lookinbill's, in that living together is living together, whether married or not, and if you feel the need for paper and ceremony then go for it, but it doesn't change the situation really. I was married legally to both my husbands, but emotionally, they were not married to me, so the rings and the pieces of paper were basically bunk! Things like that can really turn the most "religious" of people off marriage in a hurry when they don't see it for what it is.
If you are able to keep young children out of these 'trial' marriages, I see nothing wrong with them. With two children of my own, I wouldn't think of shacking up with someone I was dating in a million years. I'm a little old-fashioned as to what message I want to send to my boys. I have a girlfriend who has lived with a number of men throughout her two daughter's lives (they are 8 and 13 and by different daddy's; they are currently living with a new man with whom she had her third child with and STILL no marriage!), and I wonder how this pattern will affect their dealings with the opposite sex when they become adults. *sigh* As parents we really need to be mindful of the impact these kinds of things will have on our children.
If children aren't involved and it is mutually agreed upon by two consenting adults, then have at it... Being raised as I was, I understand where this poster is coming from. Still, I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't in some ways (and no offense to the poster intended) hypocritical to feel this way...yeah, I haven't even dated because of the message I wanted to send to my kids about marriage being something I still sort of look at from a faith-based view and hold it in high esteem when both parties are committed to it. Yet at the same time, I wonder if I'm not sending a mixed message there by saying it is ok for two consenting adults to live together without marriage. I mean seriously...if you think about it, what really is the difference? If it is an opinion based on faith principles, in most cases living together is still considered wrong outside the bounds of marriage, so why compromise and say it is ok just because a child isn't yet involved? In the example this poster gave of the friend who has three children all by different men, she states she is worried about the effect of the "no marriage" when it comes to their dealings with the opposite sex once they reach adulthood. Why? The mother could be the one turning marriage down, or maybe the men don't offer it. Still, if those relationships were ones of respect toward the other party and just didn't work out, what did those children see that was unrealistic? Those things happen within marriages as well. Why the assumption that she SHOULD have married at least one of them by now? Faith based reasons? Community view? Maybe she doesn't share those same views and isn't interested in raising her children to. Keep in mind, I (like this poster) have raised my kids without "swinging doors" too. Still, of late, these questions of how honest I'm being with myself on what I REALLY believe have come to mind, and have made me re-evaluate what message I'm sending to my kids. After looking at it, it's like I've been telling them...ok, this is what our faith and community says is how things should be, but i don't personally agree with that. I just live it because it is the accepted thing to do when you have kids.
From a daily, pragmatic perspective, I see no difference between co-habitation and marriage. In all honesty, this is how I truly feel. A piece of paper and a ring do not always constitute a REAL marriage. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 10:47:57 AM | | Alex, you are so right about the commitment of marriage...at least as far as the vows go. I've been questioning the messages I've been sending my kids, which have been that vows are sacred and not to be taken lightly, yet at the same time, not to judge those who don't have kids and choose to live together. Still, I grew up with the understanding that with those vows and commitment came the very real possibility (and reality in both my cases) that sometimes "worse" is what you get, and sometimes "sickness". Funny how so many throw in the towel when actually faced with those. Yes, people need to choose wisely...thought I had but both my spouses skipped out when reality set in. I want my kids to know what true commitment is, I would love for them to not have tons of casual relationships just because they can. Rather, I would love for them to really get to know others until they find the ONE person they want to spend their entire life with (if possible). If that should mean living together for a time before making that commitment...to be sure they aren't making a mistake, then I think that might be wise. To live with someone rather THAN make a commitment, is, like you say, cowardice. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 11:00:12 AM | If as some claim signing a contract ( thats all a marriage license is ) . Makes it symbolically stronger, then how do they explain the fact that divorce rates keep climbing.
Better then 50% of all new marriages end in divorce.
Meanwhile many cohabitations last for longer then many marriages.
Commitment phobia?
What can show greater commitment then being there because you want to be and not because some overvalued piece of paper says that you have to be. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 5:08:48 PM |
What can show greater commitment then being there because you want to be and not because some overvalued piece of paper says that you have to be.
Are you serious? So, people who are married are only together b/c they signed a piece of paper?
What percentage of co-habitation ends up in break-up? Co-habitation more often than not is for convenience, not a proclamation of commitment. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/14/2007 6:29:04 PM |
Co-habitation more often than not is for convenience, not a proclamation of commitment.
OK so I had 17 years of convenience. Nice to know, but why didn't someone tell me that years ago.
As stated a greater commitment is shown because they want to be there. Not because they have to be. | |
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