| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/20/2007 9:25:06 AM | That certainly wasn't what you implied on the other thread.
You kept remarking about the consequences of her actions and that no other man would have a say in what your child does or doesn't do. Get it straight and tell the whole story. Not just the parts that make you think you look good.
I am still waiting to hear an explanation on how marriage implies a stronger commitment. Commitment comes from inside and is not influenced by a piece of paper.
BTW if marriage implies such a strong commitment then how is it you are divorced. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/20/2007 10:11:42 AM | I will repeat, a BOYFRIEND of my ex will have NO SAY in the upbringing of my children. I will repeat, if she feels a man is worthy of having the title of PARENT to my children, then he needs to be worthy of the title of HUSBAND. That's cut and dry. And it is exactly what I said in the other thread. Go check it out, that thread has had recent activity so it will be in your top 25. I never contridict myself. I know based upon that other thread you have very little respect and regard for biological fathers. You think fathers are disposable and interchangeable. You think holding the title of boyfriend or live-in lover qualifies one to automatically step into the role of father and that children don't care who in particular fills the paternal role in their lives.
I have a mother, father, and a step-mother. As a child, my father's girlfriends were nothing more to me than some adult my father was focking. That included my future (and 30 years later, still) step-mother when she was co-habitating with us for a while. When she was dating my dad and when she was living with us she was NOT my parent. When my dad married my step-mother then I knew I had to accept her as a permanent part of my family. 30 years later, my step-mother is just as much a grand-mother to my children as my mother is.
Whether you, or anybody else, wants to believe it, to the children involved there is a difference. Children understand the significance of marriage. They know the difference between mommy's boyfriend and mommy's husband. They know that if daddy is just "living with Ms. Julie", then Ms. Julie might be out the door tomorrow with no explanation.
IMO, an overwhelming majority (and I said majority, not all) of the time couples choose to cohabitate instead of marry b/c they are not confident, hopeful, and/or desirous that the relationship will last. They look at it as something temporary, good for the moment and/or convenient.
Of course my world includes the fact that my dad and step-mom were in the military for over 20 years and my ex-wife and I both were in the military for over 20 years. So in my world, when you "just live with somebody" you're telling that other person "as soon as I get transfer orders this relationship will be over". When you marry that other person you're telling them "no matter where the military sends me I want you to continue to be a part of my life".
Also, I was born out of wedlock in Amsterdam, Holland to a military father and Dutch mother. So the only way my father and mother were going be able to raise me together was if they got married, which they did 2 months after I was born.
So based upon MY LIFE EXPERIENCES marriage is the ultimate symbol and act of commitment. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/20/2007 10:48:55 AM | So based upon MY LIFE EXPERIENCES marriage is the ultimate symbol and act of commitment
Your life experience includes a divorce, so much for the ultimate symbol and act of commitment.
Commitment is until death.
At least that is what is was for my common-law relationship. We didn't have to have someone else say the words to make them real.
BTW in no way what I said on that other thread can be construed as saying someone is disposable.
and it takes more then just being a biological father to be a dad.
Now that is my last post on it. We are coming way to close to hijack. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 10/20/2007 3:28:42 PM | ^^^Do you think that there are some cirumstances that would make the marriage contract void? What do you think should happen if one of the partners breaks the vows taken in marriage? Should they stay in that marriage regardless of the cirumstances? What should one of the partners do in the event that the other is trying to harm them or take their resources?
BTW--I agree that marriage is the ultimate symbol and act of commitment. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:19:07 AM | | There is no difference except the fact that when married, the property gets legally distributed (not always fairly) if something goes wrong. The vows should still stand..."I love you", should still mean that. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:53:44 PM | | Me personally, I made my husband live with me for 7 years before I agreed to marry him. I believe that marriage is like a business . . . and most businesses are not considered successful until after they have succeeded for 7 continuous years. I think it was the best decision that we could have ever made. I also have to admit that we were much better off cohabitating rather than marrying. The only reason I say this is that our taxes went up and our families suddenly expected more out of us once we were married (ie. kids, mortgage, and for us to actually settle down in the same area). Marraige to us was only a piece of paper and a reason to throw a party . . . we had already comitted ourselves years before the wedding. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:39:59 PM | | I think it is great. I cohabitated with a few girls and it really gives you a sense of how they really are. Some girls were great, some were clean, and some were messy. The best part about cohab is that if you don't like the girl, you can just make a clean break or negotiate something better than you can with a marraige. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:43:47 PM | | I defintely agree with jland in that marriage is like a business. Cohab is like the negotiation period before you close the deal. Several years of cohab is very important because you have to find out if the person is trustworthy, loyal, and reliable. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 4/30/2008 5:08:51 PM | Well I just read 6 posts in broken hearts and all were train wrecks from people who lived together. There was a famous study in 2003 and Sociologists stated the reason living together didnt' work out is obvious; those that live together want the stability of marriage, including sex, finances, and companionship, without the true total commitment. These are people that are mostly not committed so they doom the relationship from the start. here is a partial article I had on it and what it says;
"Here's the surprising catch: for more than a decade, sociologists have measured that people who have cohabitated before marriage divorce more, not less.
And this wasn't a small difference. In the most famous study, which drew data from a huge number of marriages, people who had cohabited before marriage had only a 45% chance of seeing their 15th wedding anniversary. People who had not cohabited before marriage had a 66% chance of seeing their 15th anniversary. By that measure, it was one of the stronger variables affecting marital stability."
What was also interesting is that women that had lived with someone, had a 61% divorce rate when they went on to marry. I think most that live together do it for conveniences; money, sex, companionship. They live for the now. There is nothing wrong with that but it shows that type of person tends to move on quicker and easier than those being married.
Forbes magazine had a smaller study on finances and within 3 years 87% of people that had lived together broke up.
I think there are a certain type of person that can do it; but just read the posts; some people live together after knowing someone for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. Committed, stable people dont do that. People live together because its convenient, and its easy to leave. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 4/30/2008 5:09:39 PM | | I got a better idea...how about he goes home to his own house or vice versa and we just come over to have evening dinner together etc....and then go back home to our seperate houses....works good for me....since the family unit has died anyway from all the negative hard to get along with selfish people dumb asses of the world....not to mention low iq's....why bother even discussing it.... | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:15:52 PM | Post 184:
I'm quite sure much of the datum in those studies is correct, especially about the individuals who leap into one "living together" scenario after another. But studies don't matter to me. I don't believe in religious/legal marriage (for me; it's dandy for people who want it), so my ONLY personal choices are solo habitation or cohabitation without marriage.
Most of the posts on these types of threads - pro & anti cohabitation/marriage - are so anecdotal and personal that they're irrelevant in a "bigger picture" sort of way.
People live together because its convenient, and its easy to leave.
My anecdotal contribution - just to drive the anti "living together" faction nuts - is that I cohabited only once, for 25 years (til death did us part) and we spent a small fortune on wedding gifts for our marrying friends who married, divorced, married again, divorced ... you get the picture. We had a little private joke going that we we should tie the knot just to recoup something in the prezzie department.
We stayed together - day after day, year after year, decade after decade - because we WANTED to stay together.
Works for me. I'll stick with that, thanks. | |
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| Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:18:16 PM | nycdoctor....
I can't speak for anyone else, but at my age and having once been in a very bad, very long marriage, I don't see the need to marry again. It's not like I'm going to be having kids. I never say never, but living with someone... to me... is every bit as much a commitment. I would obviously love that person... obviously want to spend my life with him... and I wouldn't need to stand before God and all my loved ones to profess my love and devotion to him.
I think because the divorce rates are so high and money becomes and issue, more people are choosing to live together to be sure they are compatible on a daily basis rather than dating where you might see that person a few times a week.
Sharzi | |
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