| | Dating with marriage in mind.Page 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | It's too bad few people here have optimism about marriage--particularly in this age of fatal STDs and the like. Having someone who is your best friend staying by your side until one or the other of you leaves this physical reality for the next one is not the 'trap' you are making it out to be. And standing up in front of friends and family and declaring your love and devotion to each other publicly is a lovely and joyful thing. It spreads hope and happiness--which is a damn sight better than spreading fatal STDs!
In this day and age of good counselling and mediating services, there is absolutely no reason to embark on a loveless, miserable marriage or to stay in one. Many people who leave their marriages simply did not want to expend the effort necessary to understand their mate. It was just too hard for them, and they didn't have the patience. They wanted something easier and something that made them happy without too much effort--unconditional love like babies get--which is completely unreasonable for adults to expect. And happiness is to be found in sacrifice and service too, but nobody tells you that in school or at home either.
This culture is mostly about instant gratification and self-serving mind-sets. Most widows and widowers would not agree with you, I'm sure, that marriage is a trap and a formula for misery. Who told you that life was supposed to be fair anyway, and that you'd always get your own way in things? Whoever they were, they were lying. I'd much rather be together with someone who drives me nuts from time to time but whom I adore than to be alone at 85 and talkin' to the cats, and my dead parents.  | |
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Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 28 | |
| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 12:04:10 PM | I am not sure that people need to know if they are “Dating with marriage in mind” - (unless they are already dating the person)
How can someone “date with marriage being the focus of their dating” - To me that is putting the cart before the horse. What do they do - have some kind of marriage check list - to measure the person and see how they come out on the checklist?
I am like 500000000 miles away from thinking about getting married - and that is for one simple reason - I would have be thinking about marrying a certain person.
Situation A - (what this topic is about)
1. getting married
2. dating with that as a focus
Situation B - (what seems logical to me)
1. looking for the right person to be in each others lives
2. start thinking about maybe getting married
I kind of hope if I ever do run into “Little Miss Right” - she is not doing the Situation A. - all that would mean is I came out ok on the marriage check list - Big Fukn Deal - if it had not been me - it would have been some other smuck - it was NOT ME she was interested in - it was the check list and I happened to pass. I could have been ANYONE as long as I passed on that marriage check list.
If she was running in Situation B mode (like I am running in) it would be ME she wanted to marry.
SIDE NOTE: this is the same crap as putting : within 50 miles as a “qualifier” in a profile. When people do that and esp if they STICK TO IT - they are NOT looking for the best mate - they are looking for the best mate that fits their list - just like the people that are dating with marriage as a focus. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 12:19:32 PM | One of the most precious commodities that a human being has is time. And nothing sucks more then having someone waste your time. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to get married and connecting with someone that feels the same way. I don't think anyone on here wants to lasso someone and drag them to the altar kicking and screaming but by the same token this is something that should be discussed at some point if you meet someone that strikes your fancy.
It's totally ridiculous to continue spending time with someone that is only looking for a booty call type of relationship if you want something different. That only leads to resentment later on in the relationship.
I'm just saying that you should be upfront about what you are looking for in a relationship because that gives people choices of whether to stay or go. I would never date anyone that is adamantly opposed to marriage. Sure I would spend time with you every now and then, perhaps take in a movie or go out for coffee, but why in the world would I invest time in a dead-end relationship.
Oh and I always date in the hopes of finding my right "fit" but by the same token I won't compromise what is important to me. Been there, done that and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 12:42:12 PM | | well I am definitely not dating with marriage in mind, but whatever rocks your boat is fine with me. everyone has his/her agenda I guess. i'm not really for or against marriage - it's just not on my radar at this age. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 5:00:51 PM | Thank you HALFEV.
Well, I confess, lol, I don't wait 'til marriage. I have this thing about wanting to know what's under that zipper before I commit my life to a pencil head. But in the back of my mind I know what the Bible says.
I know we all have our individual religious beliefs and I don't want to act like high and mighty christian here because I'm not by far. Please don't take me that way. But I have to at least try to keep my mind focused on right and wrong from my own beliefs. That's all.
So with that said:
I'm gonna go get a beer and dream about getting laid by that girthy guy that's not around yet.
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 5:58:02 PM | Sorry to burst your bubble there Ron9, but there IS more than one right person for each of us in the world somewhere, and if a woman likes you and wants to get married but you don't, well it isn't like 'just any old magic wand'll do' for her, but chances ARE that there IS another guy out there that she'll like just as much as you, and she won't have to try to 'win him over' about the idea of marriage and be forced to do that 'sales job' on him about it.
I say it's simply the right and decent thing to do to simply steer clear of people who don't share your values when you are looking for a life partner. One of those values is the concept of marriage and what it means to each of us. What do you want the woman you've engaged in an involvement with you to do? Die of unrequited love and a broken heart for you? Sheesh!!
At my age I just can't sit around again and wait for some fence-sitter to make up his mind about whether or not he likes the 'idea' of marriage--I've got no more time to waste, kemosabe. I did a lot of experimenting and exploring in the first 34 (SINGLE woman) years of my life in order to discover who I am and what I like and want. And now, as Neil Young put it, I am "a miner for a heart of gold--and I'm gettin' old".
No time like the present to finally give myself the gift of what I really want now! And I am confident that there's at least one 'right man' out there looking to give himself the gift he wants for himself--someone like me! Just a little luck and some good timing is all I need. I'm ready with the whole package now: I know how to be his best friend--AND leave him breathless with a big goofy smile on his face too! And if I'm preoccupied with putzing around with someone who is NOT what I want, I might miss my match 'cause he's looking for someone who is NOT involved with someone else! It's as simple as that.  | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 7:57:29 PM |
Situation B - (what seems logical to me)
1. looking for the right person to be in each others lives
2. start thinking about maybe getting married
I'm a SITUATION B person RON. I know what you're saying. Looking for the right person to be with involves looking for qualities in the other person that you'd like to spend time with. If you don't like to drink, you're not going to date someone who does. If their religion doesn't match up with yours, you're not going to date them. If their not a family person and you are, you're not going to date them, and on and on and on. This is what I call looking for the "marriage" thing in dating. Because I'm sure we all would not put ourselves into a losing, argumenative (in the future or now), hurtful, troublesome relationship. We're looking for the "TWO PEOPLE BECOME ONE" thing. Not "TWO PEOPLE HAVE A SUCKEY LIFE TOGETHER" thing.
No, I'm not out there thinking, "Wow, I'm going on this date and hopefully we'll be married in a few months." God forbid. But I am going on this date to see if we might be able to have a life together with common interests, beliefs and values.
And yeah, I'd like to be married one day again with a beautiful man. But I'm in no hurry after 2 marriages on my belt. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 8:28:07 PM |
situation b--
Me too shellsmack, I would honestly like to get married again, but I want it to be to the right person. I don't need the one night stands, nor want them. I had a beautiful marriage, I want to experence that again.
But this time, I am free to do what I would like to do, see who I want, be the person I can be.
So to Ron, don't be so sarcastic hon. Its all good.
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Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 36 | |
| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 8:38:35 PM | dancingfool - what makes me think you could burst my bubble lol
Not only that - looking for the right person to be in each others lives - (like I said above) if ever found would be “marriage material”
And yes - I fully agree there are MANY MANY “good matches” out there.
It makes me almost scream - knowing full well that just in my own city - Kansas City - there are no doubt 1000 females that would be a fantastic two way match for me - that are also looking for someone like me - or Jim or John or or or. Within 25 miles from where I am sitting there are prob 2 million people and here I am on the net looking at pictures of females that are 1500 miles away - go figure.
I learned that from a school teacher in high school. He was one of the “good teachers” that kept your attention. And it was a great lesson to us seniors that had been feed the old “he/she is the only person I could ever love” crappola. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/10/2006 11:30:16 PM | I think people do date differently if they have LTR in mind. I dont think Marriage is part of the picture at this point or time.
The intentions are different with LTR people. I've noticed tonight reading a profile that this man wanted to to get to know someone before meeting them. He stated he wanted to talk more on line and be sure both had the same ideals etc. I would support his thinking. I would rather get to know someone here before meeting.
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/11/2006 2:29:53 AM | Here, here! Total agreement! I, however, find past "Hey" on the internet, or "Hi, I'm Lois" difficult. I had thought it was possibly due to being widowed. Then again, I thought I might just be paranoid.
But, I read just the other day on the widower/brick wall thread, that others have had similar experiences. Can it be, other than I am a total turn off to the few eligible men in my rural region, that men think I want an immediate husband replacement?
I believe it was Ron9 who said that consdering each potential date as a potential mate is way out of order chronologically. I rather agree. I first have to figure out:
1.) Am I interested, then
2.) Can a spend an hour or two on a get-to-know-you date
No way can I even begin to assess marriage potential, when I don't know if there is even tolerance potential. Surely we have all finally met someone we've heard of, seen at a distance, wanted to get to know, who for reasons of chemistry (often mentioned here), hygiene, attitude or that undefinable "je ne se qua" (sorry about the spelling Frankophiles, I teach German and Latin only), turns out to be either a complete turn off, or just neutral.
The short of it is, I assess for 'gettin' to know potential' first.
A10sFrau  (Not 'bye', but rather 'wave') | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/11/2006 2:50:51 AM | It is easy to underestand why folks get involved (have affairs) with people at work. I have not, BUT it is certainly a good way to get to know someone. One can observe the other at a distance, with others, get familiar with their likes and dislikes, assess how much time you can spend with the person, see if there is mutual chemistry.
The ability to spend time together is important to me. I like being alone, have always been a loner, BUT both marriages were to men who drove tractor/trailer. Both time I drove or rode along. Nothing like spending 24 hrs a day together in what amounts to a large box, to see how you really get along with someone! 
I have been getting to know a divorced man at work. He is new to teaching, actually not trained in it, and has been struggling to find his way--not the least of which involves getting along with adolescents. I have enjoyed many conversations with him, was initally attracted to his intellect, but recently found out he lets what he does be influenced by his students.
Have also been grateful to learn that he likes to talk but not listen. I think that was listed on a different thread as one of those things that mean no second date. Guess we are all here looking because we DON'T have the opportunity to take time at work or in the neighborhood to get to know (or not) that intersting person.
I TOTALLY agree with the person who wrote on ONE of these 45> threads that these forums are great. There are few hits for me, but I am happy to find so many other men and women in my age bracket, talking about the things I am thinking about!.
Thanks, you all
A10sFrau
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 5/11/2006 9:41:57 AM | Thanks for the compliment! I do try to get to the heart of the matter, as I see it anyway. And I really don't see the advantage of trying to determine 'tolerance' potential before determining whether the guy wants a horizontal mambo partner only--or a wife. If Mr. Slob or Mr. Slobbering Wink-and-Nudge want a wife, well, I think I can determine the 'tolerance' factor pretty quickly... but if a guy seems really nice, how do I know he wants marriage and has a good opinion of it, unless I ask, or at least indicate that's what I want?
Then if he skirts the issue, won't talk about it, changes the topic, etc., it simply doesn't matter that he's nice and gorgeous and sexy and...whatever. I know that some months from the day that we go ahead and get sweaty doin' the mambo I'm going to be very, very unhappy and hooked right into him with my heartstrings a 'twanging. Better to avoid the emotional investment of that kind of 'heart' currency... and the time wasted on someone who won't ever get married again, no matter what they haven't said.
Some roles are more than just labels. And the word 'wife' is not an expletive! 
P.S. Yes, maybe the reason I've had a more difficult time finding a man who 'gets' me is because I have a complex personality type: I am an INFJ and ISFJ simultaneously--which is less than 1.5% of the population--and I have NO idea who would be able to complement that. I'm not giving up hope though!! I just KNOW there's a guy out there looking for someone exactly like ME! | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 1:40:01 PM | | I've been single SO LONG after being married, that I am starting to wonder- but keeping w/ the topic: I may NOT be dating w/ marriage in mind, but I don't like dating the nervous, scared, confused types either who haven't healed from their last relationship. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 2:31:25 PM | I haven't really thought of it in those terms. I've dated a few men from this site with the intention of finding the love of my life but it didn't work out. I'm not thinking marriage right now [don't know if I ever will]; I think in this internet dating world that would be like putting the cart before the horse JMO  | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 4:26:37 PM | I have had past issues with dating for marriage. That is to say, some of the women I was dating, were seeking a marriage partner, and I was looking for a girlfriend. That spells difficulties with a capital "D". The best thing, I think, is for people to be on the same page in this regard.
If dating couples would have early discussions about dating goals, they could better decide which relationships to pursue. It is not wrong to engage in casual dating, but only if that is what both people want. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 6:16:51 PM | | I am reading a book called Catch Him and Keep Him...that has some very interesting facts about relationships in it. One that I haven't thought about before said....do you have a clear idea in your mind what you expect from a long term relationship, when you find the right partner? I was stumped. I have never completely thought past the finding him part. I assumed it would all just fall into place. But according to this author that is not the case. If you have an idea in your mind about where you want a relationship to go, and how much time you think it should take for it to get there, realistically, then you have a positive image to keep in your mind, and will make looking for the 'right one' easier. It will keep those negative thoughts from creeping in. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 6:50:41 PM | | I don't think of dating with marriage in mind. I know some people who are like that, all they can think about is getting married again, and I think that could hinder a relationship. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 7:59:15 PM | MARRIAGE !!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Never again ...
I date to find someone I can get along with | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 8:35:50 PM | dating for the end result of marriage......hard to answer. I think most of us would like to find...
a person to date on a regular basis
a person with whom we would have an exclusive relationship
from there, to a committed relationship, meaning that we feel that we have found our partner, and are not open to anyone else.
Marriage brings in things beyond love.....legalities, documents, etc.
I believe that a true love relationship can exist without the legal papers. The papers are only necessary if you feel you need to decide who gets what at the end of the relationship, and that is already assuming that the relationship will end!
Of course, all relationships end.....but we do not hope, or plan, for that. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 8:51:38 PM | My two brothers and I have been single for over 160 years, at last count. I will admit that I never dated for marriage. Usually, I just dated for fun, and since it wasn't much fun, I dated very little.
Nothing wrong with marriage. My folks were married, and fought for 55 years. My dead sister was married. Even Frankenstein was married. I guess it didn't seem like a good thing to me, though. Too much conflict. | |
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| Dating with marriage in mind.
Posted: 9/13/2006 9:59:05 PM | Yes. I think marriage-minded people date differently.
Like other characteristics or qualities I possess, admire, or seek, being marriage-minded and being marriage material are ones I value. At any point in your life, it’s either a part of who you are or it isn’t. And for some, it’s a question mark answered only in terms of your current relationship. I agree with Magickman: (Molloy) “To dramatically increase your chances of marrying you must seek out and date the marrying kind,” and dancingfool: “There's absolutely no point in dating a man who doesn't want to get married (if you're marriage-minded).”
I prefer swimming in the deep end of the pool, even if it means I have to hold my breath for long periods of time to avoid the sharks on the surface. | |
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