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| men with children
Posted: 5/9/2006 11:11:51 AM | | Every situation is different. There are those (both men and women) who do right by their children and those who don't. I would be more inclined to be with someone who takes their responsibilities seriously than with a "deadbeat parent." That being said, depending on the child support and other laws in your state, it may make perfect sense to keep a seperate account for yourself as one never knows what the future will hold. Once a government agency gets their hands on a joint account, you may have some problems showing that your (male or female) money shouldn't be included in whatever that debt may be. I've heard of men getting burned that way too, so it's not all that one-sided. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/9/2006 11:14:02 AM | | I don't think anyone, man or woman, should be chastised for wanting to protect their "stuff". We have spent a working lifetime accumulating it, and have every right to want to be cautious. I wouldn't want to have to start all over again, this close to retirement. A pre-nup is not mercenary, it's precautionary. If the relationship never ends, it's moot - if it does, I'm protected. In Canada, you can be sued for child support for children that aren't even yours, if you acted in a parenting role in the relationship (common-law or married). | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/9/2006 12:49:51 PM | | Hi I just read a little bit and felt a little bit sad that Men seem to get the blame for every think, I have a son who is thirteen years old, his mother seperated from me because of religion, her being muslim and my self well who knows I feel lost at the moment, any way I worked as a coach driver doing National express work, being gone for two to three days at a time, while a way my wife was hurting my my son, some times with shoes some times with sticks the last time she hit him it was with an electrical extention lead and cut his arm through to the bone then tried to blame another child for doing it, I went to court and won my case, my son has now been with me for six years he is a great child and has helped me through a lot of pain, can some one tell me if I am a bad Dad for taking on my own fless and blood and bringing him up on my own, I ask for nothing from any women in the way of support towards my child, I thought that women had that built in to them, please reply | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/10/2006 5:47:13 AM | Smokeybacon: All situations are different and mine was something similar to yours. When my ex and I met, we were both separated and his wife had custody of the children, living in the family home, and he was giving her his entire paycheck except for $200/month. That was in the mid 80's. She was a less than desirable person, much less mother: she was an alcoholic and had been in several mental institutions, but the reason he didn't have his children was because he drove a truck for a living and also worked part-time just to make enough money to support his family and pay for himself a room monthly. Long story short, when we got together, the ex wife left the children and I got them...before we ever got married, his kids lived with me. Through the years, I did everything that a biological parent should have done, financially, emotionally....in every way imaginable. But the children always remained close and "loyal" to their mother eventhough she abused them severely. They always kept the hope that their parents would someday get back together and they undermined me every way they could and drove a serious wedge between their father and I; ultimately, we are no longer together because of the issues between his children and I. He was not supportive of me and it has made me to feel that I was nothing more than a "nanny".
You appear to be an excellent parent for rescuing your son and hopefully, his mother has not scarred him for life. But please put things in the proper perspective with future relationships. No one can take the place of your children and no one should try; however, children need to have an understanding of adult relationships and be respectful with their parents choice of spouse/significant other. That being said..everybody should be very careful of who they bring into their children's lives. | |
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rixx49
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Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 30 | |
| men with children
Posted: 5/13/2006 3:20:30 AM | OK I have to say something. This topic is very close to home for me.
FiFi, have you ever wondered WHY a man who is paying child support has so little money?
I can tell you...its because the courts make it that way. I pay an ungodly amount of child support. Certainly a lot more than I would be dishing out if I was still married. The courts calculate how much a father pays based on his Gross income, that is BEFORE taxes. Then all his regular deductions are based on his Gross income. Then if the mother decides the kids need extras ie. piano lessons sports etc. then she can ask the dad to pay half of that cost.
what Im say is, by the time a mans " responsabilities " finish with him, there is barely enough to live on himself.Ever time the dad gets a pay increase the support payment goes up. It was at a point where my kids stopped coming to see me because it was boring at my house because I couldnt afford to do all the fun things they do with MOM, I wonder why that is?
Im PAYING for the privelidge of seeing my OWN children and it hurts. But I do it because I love them more than life itself. If you cant handle the fact that a man has kids and is living up to his fatherly responsabilities then Im afraid you and your money are going to very lonely in your older years. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/13/2006 10:32:55 AM | Lots of good stuff here... has anyone watched the show "Crash Test Mommy"? It's quite entertaining to watch the men who criticize their children's mother (usually an at-home parent or one who works part-time) and believe that with a little more organization or time-management or... etc., etc., she could have the house spotless, have plenty of free time to pursue other interests, and so on.
By the end of a prescribed 48-hour period, the kids have the dad completely going in circles, exhausted, and the house is a pigpen! The humility these men display after their ordeal with the kids and the household for a mere 48 hours is nothing short of spectacular, particularly when they go into the experiment with more than a little arrogance about 'how easy it should be, could be..."
I find that most men who 'have' children are either working and sending in child support (if they do) or they have custody full-time--and a woman of some description doing the childcare. I have yet to see a man who does it all as women are expected to do--but I'm still looking! It is refreshing to see men stepping up to the plate where equal childcare and housework is concerned. It is a full-time job and more, in itself. Women working outside the home with children have it far worse, and I don't know how they manage at all. I couldn't do it. So I tip my hat to you, Ladies! Bravo!!
 Take a bow!! | |
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maruli
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Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 32 | |
| men with children
Posted: 5/29/2006 2:23:07 PM | I am childfree. I would not as much as get near a man, who has any children of any age, not even if the children are on the other side of the globe. Because the affection for the children would always be a ditch between him and me. People with progeny should mate their own kind, and so should the childfree. This would avoid a lot of trouble and pain.
So any childfree man near my age of 56 reading this? I hope to hear from you. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/29/2006 2:55:06 PM | | Guess what? in this neck of the woods, if you are married to someone who is paying child support and that person, for whatever reason, cannot pay - then the Court can make YOU pay. how about them apples????? | |
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mogrl
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Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 34 | |
| men with children
Posted: 5/29/2006 3:36:27 PM | | who says you can`t have your own checking account after getting married.??? | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/29/2006 3:46:19 PM | Marrying someone who has financial problems of any kind is asking for trouble. Why would anyone walk into a situation like that. I don't need someone in my life who needs saving. I would only date people who are in a position to be in an equal relationship. Why are there so many people in datingland complaining because others don't want to take care of them and their children. Please see the person you made the child with if you need help. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/30/2006 11:15:30 AM | Okay, I haven't read every post on this thread, but I think this point may not have been made. If it has, my apologies.
"I think that I would think twice about marrying someone who has children he supports if he makes a lot less money than I do."
HE'S SUPPORTING HIS CHILDREN!!!!!!
There are soooo many men out there that DON'T support their children after the divorce. If he's doing it, it shows he has love, compassion and an sense of responsibility. Isn't that what a lot of women are looking for?
I paid my child support. I payed alimony/spousal support. So since I accepted and met those obligations does that mean I'm no longer "dating" material? From your note, it seems so.
So, from your post, I'm to believe that women now want a rich, cold, compassionless man who does not take responsibility for his actions?
Or are you afraid he's not going to have any money for YOU? | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/30/2006 11:23:55 AM | msg. 28 "I ask for nothing from any women in the way of support towards my child, I thought that women had that built in to them, please reply "
Are you saying that you expect all women to think that they owe you to take care of your child? I don't understand why you would think a women would automatically be interested in being involved with a man who has a child to raise. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/30/2006 11:25:23 AM | "Why are there so many people in datingland complaining because others don't want to take care of them and their children. Please see the person you made the child with if you need help." And if said parent abandons said progeny (and their on-call parent) and hides and cannot be located...? What do you suggest then, Moraima?  | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/30/2006 11:25:43 AM | For what it's worth, I've been there....done that...and I didn't even get a t-shirt out of it. I married a man with 2 kids, helped support them and raise them and did everything that their biological mom should have been doing but was too drunk and too sorry to do. Then...when they're grown, they cause "grown up" issues and the husband leaves. Without anymore detail than that...let me just say I'm not interested in a relationship with a man who has "young" children, older manipulative children, or man who has no backbone. Money never entered as part of our problems; I can deal with money issues. What I can't deal with is going into a relationship/marriage as an equal partner but getting treated with less respect than a stranger on the street.
To this day, a man's money (or lack of it) is not as much an issue with me as how he treats me. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/30/2006 2:09:24 PM | dancingfool - Moraima suggest that you deal with it. I have what it takes to deal with my life situations, why would I want to take on someone elses issues and money problems.
It is just as easy to find a partner without these problems, why settle for anything less. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/30/2006 5:23:02 PM |
"Moraima suggest that you deal with it. I have what it takes to deal with my life situations, why would I want to take on someone elses issues and money problems." I am suggesting that the two things, Moraima, are not the same and that you are confused and trying to apply an illogical argument to explain your point(s). This leads me to think that there's another agenda in what you are trying to say. Just because someone has a child and the other parent has abandoned that child and its caregiving parent, how is it that the abandoned parent automatically has not/is not DEALING WITH IT? (What else are they supposed to do, really? NOT Deal with it? Huh? That doesn't make any sense.)
I'm sure that most parents--single or otherwise--are doing the very best they can with whatever they have to work with. Some have parents who can help them. Others hire people if they can afford it, and others utilize daycares, babysitters, etc., etc. Parents who are alone, with no family, whose spouse has abandoned them are in the most precarious positions, but they get by too. I agree with you that each of us has our own row to hoe.
BUT just because someone's 'row' means that they have got children and bills to pay, it does NOT automatically mean that they are looking for someone to bail them out of their problems, financial or otherwise. Can't they just be looking for love and companionship, like everyone else? (What bee got into your bonnet anyway, if that's all you think when you meet people who are divorced and have children?) What makes you think these people who have children WANT your input--or interference? If a person marries someone without children, the children suffer with their inheritance, because the new spouse automatically gets a large chunk of the estate, unless there is a pre-nup.
And blood is almost always thicker than water... which is to say, I have seen enough instances of people who do not accept their young new charges in a relationship, although they may act it when in the presence of the new partner. But the kids know they're unloved and unwanted by the interloper, so don't flatter yourself that every guy with kids is looking for your particular handout and leg up, and that every divorcee is on the prowl and looking for a 'suga-daddy' to support them.
Many single parents do just fine on their own and when they are looking for a mate, they naturally want to share everything with them--and that includes finances, childcare, etc. Isn't that what a partner is for? To share with? (But maybe that's not the kind of partner you're looking for!) I have seen plenty of single people without children get themselves into financial pickles too, for that matter. Does that disqualify them from having love and companionship in their lives? It does, if one follows your logic. And, for the record, what happens if you found a mate who was doing fine (children or no children) and suddenly he lost everything in a scam investment? Hmmm? According to your logic, that'd be grounds for dumping the loser. Right?
If you don't want children in your life, hey, no problem. You can just bypass the guys with children. There's no need to complain about them though. (IMHO, of course.)
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| men with children
Posted: 5/31/2006 9:34:16 AM | The subject of this thread is "men with children". I decline all men with children, because I wish to live in a childfree zone. Part of the reason is I don't want to have to deal with the drama people go through with their ex. I don't have an ex, so I don't have drama to share with anyone else. I don't think people realize just how many people make a decision not the have children. I don't understand why so many think that is horrible. In my case, I choose to help children in the third world.
There are great single parents out there, and some with issues. My whole point is that not all women automatically want to date someone with children. In fact, a previous message stated the question "Don't women automatical come with the mind set to want and accept children." If you want to flame me that is up to you. There are a lot of people in life who get so upset with people who don't pretend to agree with them. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/31/2006 10:15:45 AM |
Does anyone else feel this way or maybe i am the only one.....I think that I would think twice about marrying someone who has children he supports if he makes a lot less money than I do. I might want to have my own checking account. Lipstick sunsets, I do not have children and am well educated. I guess my point is I do not date these men if they make so little money that they can barely support their children and are looking for someone to help them pay the bills. Consider this post a moot point on my part.
OP, lots of good comments on this thread, so I’ll try not to repeat any of them. I have nothing but respect for any parent, male or female, who supports and cares for the children they brought into this world. Also, if I were to marry a man with children, I would love those kids as much as if they were mine - because they’re a part of him, and also for who they are themselves. That includes possibly having to bear more of the burden of the bills because some of his money goes to support those kids; not to mention, I love kids so I’d be spending time and money on them also. But I also don’t believe that spending money or giving things to kids is the best way to parent; spending time with them, listening to them, being there for them is so much more important than buying them things (we’re talking about more than basic necessities here; things like $175 sneakers).
There’s a huge difference between someone who’s with a person because they want to be, and someone who’s simply looking for a meal ticket…anyone doing that would most likely be doing it for themselves even if they didn’t have kids involved. I’d say it’s pretty obvious if a man (or woman) is only with someone because they make more money. And since I don’t want any guy for his money, I don’t want to be wanted for that reason either. Also, regardless of who makes how much, once the bills are taken care of, each partner should always have their own stash of mad money to do with what they want. | |
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| men with children
Posted: 5/31/2006 8:38:19 PM | | Without knowing exactly what you are asking here, I will post my response to what I think you are asking. If you feel that a man is using you to help him financially, I would not date him at all. If his first concern in your relationship is how much you can help him out financially, I would say stear clear of him. But if he is just making less money because he pays support, and you can afford the relationship, why not go for it. A checking account of your own, doesn't mean you are a bad person. I have two boys living with me and I don't make as much money as I could for a couple reasons. First off, I love my job and am willing to make less rather than work at a place where it is a real chore to go to work. Secondly, my job offers me the hours I want so that I can maximize my time with my boys. Bottom line is if you are looking for someone to pull their weight financially and that is your first criteria, I think you need to hit up lottery tickets and hope for the best. | |
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