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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 10/29/2006 4:16:11 PM | well i feel the same way but i found it hard after me and my ex broke up when i was 20 now im thirty and i have still to find someone to share my life with just recently some girl acted like she wanted to start to date but it was just a bunch of b.s. i wish girls would call me i am shy and old fashioned so ya know but also i guess since im shy that may not help either but i want you to know that i know what you mean  | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 10/30/2006 11:07:40 PM | | I think dating in your thirties is much more efficient. You don't need the one month relationships to figure out you aren't right for someone. Its like a specialized science. You know yourself well enough to recognize when it feels good and when you need to run for the hills. But that same sense of self might send them packing before you even get a chance to decide what you think. Just another form of elimination. But when you do meet someone and there is something... you can feel it bubbling just under the surface... isn't the whole thing just that much better? And seriously, at this age, don't you think it is easier to cut the crap? Be straight about what it is or isn't and move on to the next thing. I will be the first to say if I dig someone... and that has nothing to do with a biological clock, but rather conviction in what matters most to me. | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/16/2007 3:23:49 PM | Blackbird,
Yours was ripped out through your chest? Some of us have had them removed via our colon by means of a rusty crochet hook. You're right. The key is eventually looking past that and look forward to what could be. Nothing wrong with refusing to settle. Like I said before, I would rather be alone and happy than miserable after "settling" for less than I wanted. | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/17/2007 8:38:59 PM | meh ... not frustrating, really. I suppose frustration would enter the equation if one's expectations did not match the reality that's out there.
Then again, I'm not a very good 'dater' so maybe that's why I don't mind when I go on one? Have no clue as to what the outcome 'should' be. In my 20's I didn't date only because I always seemed to end up in relationships with the person I went out with. So now I just go with the flow and when I have dated, it's been fun.
I find the experience of meeting people interesting enough in and of itself, so for me it's been 'so far so good'.
Seize the day, and make the most of it; there'll never by another one quite like it ;) | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/18/2007 7:55:18 PM | | Im frustrated too but i m tired of being rejected because some guy treated you like Crap. Not all men are the same . Maybee get to know someone from the inside out fisrt not the other way around. I could be your night in shinning armour but if you give up i ll just keep riding. Im sorry to hear you cant find that guy! Theres are some left but they finnish last! | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/18/2007 8:28:41 PM | "We've all been disrespected, so now it's time to do the disrespecting before the other person does it to you."
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. - Ghandi | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/19/2007 2:48:56 PM | | Umm..I really don't know what you are talking about. I get asked out alot. However,the only thing I am frustrated about is there are no rules or dating guidelines, Yah flying blind! lol..and often a guy can want things to happen too quick! OOOooooo! I find dating alkward, or often a waste of time because alot of people are afraid to be themselves. Just plain hanging out suits me fine! | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/19/2007 2:49:14 PM | | Umm..I really don't know what you are talking about. I get asked out alot. However,the only thing I am frustrated about is there are no rules or dating guidelines, Yah flying blind! lol..and often a guy can want things to happen too quick! OOOooooo! I find dating alkward, or often a waste of time because alot of people are afraid to be themselves. Just plain hanging out suits me fine! | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/21/2007 2:03:27 AM | | I could'nt agree more. I am a professional man (32 year old boy!lol) living in orange county.....That right there is a problem in itself. It seems as if that women, girls and the like are more concerned in attention (especially on these types of sites) instead of a genuine oppurtunity to meet someone. We all have to realize that although we want to have our dream partner.......unfortunately that doesn't always happen. Life is real........take that for granted and it will be you who is left alone. Take life & the people you meet seriously and focus more on who you are, instead of who everyone else is, and just be real.......The fakers will take themselves out of the game.........Ever notice how divorce rates just keep increasing? Um.........I wonder why!lol. | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/21/2007 9:30:29 PM | I am really replying to this whole thread. I am 56. I am divorced after 33 years of marriage. I just lost 96 lbs. I have about 40 to go and I will lose it. I spent those marriage years with an abusive husband who told me I wasn't good enough to work, be his wife, and be mentally well. He used as a cover for his activities that eventually led him to be a guest of the state. He likes children much too well. So now it is two and a half years later and I am up and running. I am going back to work, retraining myself and stable and all that good stuff. I want to find someone. I thought I had. He wanted a sugar Mommy. He was still in love with his ex-wive. Stingy with money and his emotions. Said I want to spend the rest of my life with you and then two weeks later said I am not ready for a commitment. Won't tell me why. He is on Plenty of Fish, he is Pat61448. I told him goodbye I can't stand any more hurt.
Now I am on every free (not all are free even though they say so) online dating service and they seem to want young girls, slim and sex on the spot. I have had interest and the first thing they want is how soon you want sex. I am too liberal for some, too independent for others, and on BBW I am too heavy. I do not lie about my appearance or my age or my financial. My a lot of the guys are looking for sugar mommy or someone to take care of them which leaves me out in the cold. I want a partner. I am getting frustrated and want to unsubscribe from all these things. I have had it. Amy | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/22/2007 2:23:39 AM | "What ever happened to the sweet, caring, attentive guys? Guys that wouldn't go a day without saying "hi" just because they wanted to hear your voice? "
Basically you learn as a man being sweet, caring, and attentive does NOTHING to attract women to you. Not only that you come off like a clingy nice wussbag like David Deangelo talks about. Eventually as a man you learn that you have to improve your inner game first then your outer game if you want to play the game correctly. Being nice, sweet, caring, and attentive worked in the 1950's but women have evolved on the whole since then so you have to really step up your game. Women are not settleling anymore like they did in the 50's so men we have to really step up to the plate. That's why you have so many guys playing head games with women just so they can attract them. They have to make it appear that they are "special" or different than the other guys. Of course we all know there are guys who do attract women who don't play head games the right way. That is what we as men as a whole are all striving to do eventually. Your knights and shining armor are all around you the problem is you can't see it because are all busy working on unscrewing ourselves first. lol Guys are afraid to call women once per day now because we all know if we do your not going to be giving women the gift of missing you as a man. | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/22/2007 2:38:38 PM | I think that we can all agree that the dating game is frustrating after turning 30. The games men and women play are horrible. It is hard to root out the good ones from the losers without a polygraph. I hear you can get one on EBay!! I joke to my friends that its hard to find a guy over 30 that isn't completly bitter about women. Or the good ones seem to be either married or gay. What seems to be left after the age of 30 is bitter people that have abused and used people their entire life and a few good decent people just looking for a special someone. I think that the good people need to have an identifing mark on their forehead or something, cuz its hard to see you!! Anyway that is my thought on it | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:37:12 PM | I have a different spin on this subject , I enjoy my freedom and happiness above all else.
I have learned the whole dating thing for me in my early 20's will reflect dating for the rest of my life. example : A NIGhTMARE!
I could never find a date that was honest or even half way honest. majority of my dates and my relationship parteners were very dishonest , they all said they are single but in the end they were un happily married women, they lied none the less about being married and called their husband their brother or cousin or uncle.
The other majority were just looking for what they needed and left after they got it.
no thank you's just the term "I got what I wanted and needed, see you later!"
I'm too much of a skeptic now to go on a "date" I just like to hang out and make friends now these days  | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/25/2007 1:49:27 AM | ligonmaximus is wrong on so many levels. Ok maybe just one level. lol
This woman for one, although not living in the 1950's, would love to be with a nice, sweet, caring and attentive man. Problem is that many men are no longer like this. Especially when it comes to giving affection, listening and paying attention to a woman's needs.
They believe they have to play a ton of headgames with women or somehow always be the badboy. They get burnt once or twice and change their whole persona.
Oh and about the clingyness--calling doesn not imply clingy but rather caring. Now if the guy called 3+ times a day then YES it could be construed as clingyness. But calling once a day or several times a week to just let her know he's thinking about her would be a HIT with most women.
Being nice, sweet, caring, and attentive worked in the 1950's but women have evolved on the whole since then so you have to really step up your game. Women are not settleling anymore like they did in the 50's so men we have to really step up to the plate. That's why you have so many guys playing head games with women just so they can attract them... | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/25/2007 6:47:36 AM | | Starting over and dating is just as hard with any age. But what I find to be odd, you hear people saying it's getting harder to meet someone nice that's over 30. I have found that they are just as shallow as a 20 something would be (men and women) Maybe I have strayed off the line here. Who knows. But I am becoming bitter with this dating thing, online and offline. What is the definition of settling? Does it mean I just won't settle with anyone? Or he must be perfect, the teeth, the money, the good looks? This is something that I use for certain situations, What do you get when you dip a turd in 24karat gold? Nothing, it may be shiny and pretty on the outside, but we know what's on the inside. Outer beauty is such a small part of a relationship, but who the person is, what that person is seems to fall further and further to the wayside. 20, 30, 40, 50 it's the same game, pretty first, then whatever later. Just a little bitter. Sorry. | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/25/2007 2:38:17 PM | would love to be with a nice, sweet, caring and attentive man"
I could prove this to you stargategirl actually. lol Let me get into my little 350Z and drive up to the D/FW area and I will be the nicest, sweetest, and most caring guy in the world and let's see how fast I DON"t get a second date with you. I would be put into "friend zone" so fast my head would spin. lol All of that creates zero attraction with women. It has been proven time and time again by dating gurus, in my own life, and every other guy who was extra sweet to women when first dating them in this modern era. THe only time it would work in my opinion, is if the woman was looking for a submissive provider type guy. Being extra sweet to a woman when first dating then does not work period the majority of the time. Why do you think so many men have stopped buying women flowers on first and second dates? We know better now.... lol When a man is first dating a woman that is like the worst thing they can do. However, once they are in a relationship with a woman then you can be a bit sweeter to them but men still have to watch themselves and not turn into a total wussbag. Back in the 1950's the typical date consisted of the man picking up the lady for a date at her home bringing her flowers, taking her to a drive in movie, then to dinner, then maybe a sweet kiss then back to her place. The man acts like a perfect gentleman the whole time and does everything the woman wishes. Women no longer settle like they did back then so if the man were to be overly nice like that now these behaviors would be seen as approval seeking and they are approval seeking. "Oh let me be extra nice to her maybe she will like me" this kinda of behavior can pour over into the bedroom as well. "Let's give the woman max O's then the guy does and forgets out himself and nothing happens for him" The woman then feels like she didn't do her job and ironically loses attraction for him because the guy was doing approval seeking behavior. Usually what happens as a man if you do pay attention to all of the womans needs. Many women will tell their friends, "OH he was really NICE but I didn't feel anything for him" So what happens? You won't last much longer than a few dates with her. It would be great if both men and women could be each other for a week in the dating world then we would all have a great idea how it really is for both sexes. I would guess that men would then understand all the crap that women go thru in dealing with men who lie, cheat, and all that other jazz and women would probably be shocked just how hard it is for some men to even get dates.
Star your 100% correct if a man did call three days a time he would come off as being a clingy fool possibly. YOur also correct about men feeling like they have to change their whole persona to get women attracted to them. That is one thing I love about David Deangelo is that he teaches men that you can still be nice to women but you can borrow the good qualities that a jerk/player has which attracts women. | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/26/2007 10:43:20 AM | Wow you have a 350z? ok that alone will get you a second date  (KIDDING!)
On a more serious note, has it ever occurred to you that no matter how sweet you may be on a first meeting that if there isnt a click between both parties that may be the reason it wouldnt work out? Not because you were caring or nice but simply because there may not be much in common.
I wouldnt expect flowers upon first meeting someone, because frankly, there may not be anything there. However, if a man did do this on first meeting it would most certainly be brownie points in my book.
Now if we hit it off wonderfully and on a second or subsequent dates he brought me flowers
it demonstrates to me that he's considerate, NOT needy as you imply. The fact that he's a gentleman and demonstrates a capacity for romance/affection/consideration/compassion by bringing me flowers (or anything else original like a book of poetry etc.) is huge in my book. Further, that he's interested in me not just talking out of his A... lol.
Would i see him as a "wussbag" because he's sweet? Absolutely not!
Would a much younger woman that's used to and puts up with being treated like crap by men see him as a wussbag? Probably.
About that nice behavior pouring into the bedroom? Well that's a mistake all the way around on a first meet or date. You can be the nicest couple in the world but wanting to immediately pleasure someone in a most intimate way and doing so quickly leaves nothing left to be desired. Dating/relationships that start with both parties landing in bed too quickly rarely leads anywhere.
The woman feels she didn't do her "job" and loses attraction for him? Perhaps the first mistake is treating it like a chore in the first place in an effort to please someone else.
When a woman says as you put it, "OH he was really NICE but I didn't feel anything for him"
after he's done everything to try and please her it's quite possible that he was attempting to kill a horse that was already dead with in the first place.
Let me explain, if a woman only finds a guy nice but has no significant attraction and nothing in common with him but YET still goes to bed with him and lets him bend over backwards for her, thats not necessarily going to change the perception she had of him in the first place.
He could be the most fantastic lover in the world and if she is still "not that into him" the fact that he's pleasing her in bed will usually not change her mind on the level of interest she has towards him. It may temporarily give him a boost, and she may try and know him a bit better but in the end SEX and PLEASURE will never replace PERSONALITY, ATTRACTION, and COMMONALITY between two people.
Same things happens with men. They may not be all that attracted to a woman, but still sleep with her to get his physical needs met. He will allow the woman to bend over backwards pleasing him and next day not return her calls. WHY? Because he simply "JUST NOT THAT INTO HER". Women have been puzzled by this behavior for EONS.
The man acts interested, they have a great time, they end up "pleasing" each other too quickly and what happens? No phone calls next day or next week or next year. lol.
Now how do you gage the level of interest a person has? By carefully observing his/her behavior and how they interact with you over a period of not one or two dates but quite a few. Is there consistency in their behavior? That is a good clue. If he/she over the period of dating for several weeks becomes more and more affectionate(casually touching,holding hands, flowers, flirting, sweet talking etc.) thats a good indication that there's a serious interest.
If on the other hand they seem wishy washy(such as not calling or writing or words of concern etc) or go back and forth with their behavior being one thing and what comes out of his/her mouth another, then its possible that he's/she's just not that into you. The question then becomes this
If they are wishy washy and not that into you then why bother dating you? SIMPLE
Because they are:
1)LONELY
2)Waiting till something that they perceive as "BETTER" to come along.
3)Want to get their PHYSICAL NEEDS MET
4)Want ATTENTION
If you want to avoid the lonely chic or guy that is waiting for something better to come along and you are just basically their "waiting station" you must carefully observe their behavior and how they interact with you.
If what they say does not match up with what they do they are just NOT THAT INTO YOU!
(hey that rhymes By the way i am Dr. Phil's niece  ) | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/26/2007 11:13:43 AM | Star I take it that you have read the book, "He Is Just Not That Into You Possibly" lol I have as well it's a darn good book.
"has it ever occurred to you that no matter how sweet you may be on a first meeting that if there isn't a click between both parties that may be the reason it wouldn't work out? Not because you were caring or nice but simply because there may not be much in common."
This is basically what I was trying to say in so many words from my previous post. This is the part of the problem you have many men who have no clue how to attract women on dates and so therefore they don't create attraction/chemistry.
I will be sure to bring you a huge book on poetry on the second date. joking lol my gift buying days for women are long gone. :-) Buying gifts for women while dating is still approval seeking type behavior in my opinion. The only time I would buy women any gift in the future is if were in a relationship and even then it would be on a special occasion as a nice surprise. lol
"Would i see him as a "wussbag" because he's sweet? Absolutely not!
Would a much younger woman that's used to and puts up with being treated like crap by men see him as a wussbag? Probably."
Good point here Star. I think your conscious mind might see him just being sweet and not a wussbag but your sub conscious mind might view him as a wussbag IF the guy is being sweet from a needy approval seeking position. (i.e. submissive provider type)
"Let me explain, if a woman only finds a guy nice but has no significant attraction and nothing in common with him but YET still goes to bed with him and lets him bend over backwards for her, that's not necessarily going to change the perception she had of him in the first place"
this is the exact point I was trying to make about when women say, "OH he was a really nice guy but I didn't feel anything" The point I was trying to make is more than likely the guy was doing really nice things during the date and he didn't do anything to create the attraction with the woman. Most importantly the guys inner game and outer game were not up to par.
"bit better but in the end SEX and PLEASURE will never replace PERSONALITY, ATTRACTION, and COMMONALITY between two people."
Your 100% correct on this one for sure but I don't see how it applied to my previous post? Actually how does much of this apply to my previous post? LOL :-)
One thing about Internet communication is one person writes something then another person takes a completely different meaning than what the author intended. lol Kinda of like when two people see the same car wreck occur you get two different stories.
My previous post was explaining the idea behind why men who are approval seeking super nice guys usually fail to create attraction with women.
Your 100% correct about ones behavior as the correct determining factor as wether one is really in to you or not. | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/26/2007 12:04:55 PM |
Buying gifts for women while dating is still approval seeking type behavior in my opinion. The only time I would buy women any gift in the future is if were in a relationship and even then it would be on a special occasion as a nice surprise.
It's not necessarily approval seeking behavior. But it does say "I am thinking and I care about you" with some small token whether it be a card with a personalized poem in it, a book, a music sheet framed of the song you heard first time you both met. Doesn't have to be extravagant but rather small tokens that remind her that you care.
Breakfast in bed, rose petals you laid on the bed that she can wake up to, a scented candle with a sexy note attached, heartfeld messages, etc etc.
Women NEED ROMANCE they CRAVE COMMUNICATION, they HUNGER for AFFECTION and all the little things you say and do act to satisfy those wants and therefore bring a woman closer to you further stimulating the relationship and letting her know you still deeply care about her.
I have missed out on those "things" for the past 10 years (out of a 15 year marriage)
Romance GONE
Communication GONE
Affection GONE
Dating GONE (only went out 4X in 15 years alone with my spouse)
Passion GONE
Even Kissing GONE
Eventually after a while I felt so utterly neglected and casted aside that I fell out of love with him.
He, like many men, felt there was no need to do any "silly stuff" as he put it ever for a woman. Especially once married.
So while I bent over backwards wanting and trying to be affectionate with him and doing all the 'little things' people do to keep a relationship alive it was not reciprocated.
It is my belief that a person that truly loves the other will reciprocate. Hence, I came to the conclusion last year the he was no longer in love with me either. Something which he strongly denied and even became distraught over when i asked for the divorce.
Interestingly, 2 weeks after I asked for the divorce he went on a dating site and within another 3 weeks landed a 25 year old girlfriend (he's 43) which he is still with to this day.
Ironically, all the "little things" he supposedly didnt believe in doing for a woman, he does for his girlfriend. Including introducing her to his family with us not even being divorced yet!
How's that for a slap in the face?
My only regret is that I did not recognize these signs years ago and leave.
And it all starts with the little things no longer done for the other person.
In my case, lack of attention translated into lack of love.
~Jax~ | |
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| Frustrated with the whole dating after turning 30?
Posted: 2/26/2007 12:16:22 PM | "But it does say "I am thinking and I care about you" with some small token whether it be a card with a personalized poem in it, a book, a music sheet framed of the song you heard first time you both met. Doesn't have to be extravagant but rather small tokens that remind her that you care.
Breakfast in bed, rose petals you laid on the bed that she can wake up to, a scented candle with a sexy note attached, heartfeld messages, etc etc."
I agree with you that these are wonderful romantic things that men can do for women just not when first dating them. lol I have done things like that about the fourth or fifth date to only create affection with women but not attraction. None of those things ever worked one time to create attraction. So why do them if your a guy? Ten years ago I would have done and thought of all those things that you listed at that time lol From a mans prespective you learn what works and what doesn't work with women after nine years of dating. I can understand how those things are important once your in a realationship but when first dating? | |
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