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| heard this one
Posted: 3/16/2006 6:51:18 PM | | That was sweet, it should be read by every woman on the planet! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/20/2006 12:39:17 PM | HEHEHE - READ FROM TOP TO BOTTM WITHOUT PEAKING AT THE BOTTOM
THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED
BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.
IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG,
DANGLING READY LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS
AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.
IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES
SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST
OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND
AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED
BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL
MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING
FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN,
IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE,
SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF
THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS
HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE
OF REST, READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING
ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH
LESS.
WHAT AM I?
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...
>> > > > > > > > >
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>> > > > > > > > >
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>> > > > > > > > >
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TOOTHB RUSH...
what were you
thinking?
You PERVERT! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/20/2006 9:06:12 PM |  OMG I am such a pervert...lmao toothbrush....tooooooooo funny | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/22/2006 5:07:38 PM | I can only imagine just how many of us have perverted minds.  I'll never look at my tooth brush the same again. (i have a battery operated one) | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/23/2006 12:05:51 PM | So, I know these are tough jokes to follow, but I have some good ones too...
There's a scientist doing a study on the relationships of dogs and their owners. He's really excited about the study.. should be breakthrough. He decides to study the dogs of an Architect, a Mathematician and a Musician..
First in, comes the dog of the Architect.. The scientist puts the dog in a room filled with a a big pile of bones behind a two-way mirror. Immediately, the Architect's dog starts building all sorts of different structures with the bones.. dog houses, you name it. The scientist is really excited, anxiously writing down every move the dog makes on his clipboard... He can hardly wait to see the next dogs.
Next, comes in the dog of the Mathematician. Again, the scientist places the dog in a room filled with a pile of bones behind a two-way mirror.. Immediately, the Mathematician's dog starts separating the bones into equal piles of the same number of bones, seemingly adding, subtracting, and calculating the bones. The scientist is thrilled; this is exactly what he had hoped for. He can hardly wait to see what the Musician's dog does.
Finally, when the Musician's dog arrives, four hours late, he eats all the bones, screws the other dogs, and takes the rest of the day off. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/23/2006 8:50:51 PM | A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big**** didn't it?"
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/1/2006 7:28:43 AM | | OH my friggin god ledtek you had me laughing so hard I couldn't breath...To,to funny. Men are stupid and girls night out.LMFAO, thank you!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/8/2006 8:54:04 AM | Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!' | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/8/2006 8:55:14 AM | Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the d*mned things are growing wild!!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/8/2006 10:12:58 AM | Fax Machine
An American, a Japanese, and a ESPANO were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The ESPANO, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps Out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains. LOL LOL LOL.. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/10/2006 3:53:52 AM | As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up
frantically
and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a
woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane
who
is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/11/2006 2:35:42 PM | | A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?" what do you think she will say to her husband ?... | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/11/2006 6:36:15 PM | One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with
the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left .
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/11/2006 7:42:36 PM | Smuggling
Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"
"Senor, It's only sand." replies Jose.
"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.
Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.
Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"
"Sand," says Jose.
A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.
For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"
Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/24/2006 7:57:13 AM | | A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "Yes, I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/30/2006 4:41:52 AM | A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was
going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he hadjust
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went
back to investigate only to find him sitting at hisdesk with his
penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said
"I did,"he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM??? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/30/2006 5:47:12 AM |  Thanks to all,haven't that hard in a long time I can't see for the tears rolling down my face. Regards Shell | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/6/2006 10:55:14 AM | One evening last week, the little lady and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled
look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought
I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally ! said, "I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like
she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am
and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/9/2006 10:13:18 AM | 1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them....
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
OK i know its not a joke. But i had to.. to all the best..
joe | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/13/2006 7:55:35 AM | Man goes into a****ail lounge and approaches a
woman sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a****ail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/14/2006 11:41:16 AM | I came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I
thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days
a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you
have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in
each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold
them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then
relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb.
potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to
get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and
hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you
feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/15/2006 11:58:47 AM | I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's
the matter old man,never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once
and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." | |
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