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| heard this one
Posted: 5/16/2006 2:13:56 PM | Cajun Math Test
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you
go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then
he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So
now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/16/2006 4:27:32 PM | | has anyone heard about the pope, he got really sick with bird flu.....the doctor said he got it from hanging around with too many cardinals....hope I didnt offend anyone with that one | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/17/2006 5:05:49 AM | WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
You have all the money your heart desires
You have no cares or worries
You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you
Your bath water has been run
You have the perfect kids
Your partner is awaiting you with open arms and kisses So...
Where would you be....
IN THE WRONG FREAKING HOUSE......THAT'S WHERE! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/24/2006 7:06:29 AM | http://www.infotecbusinesssystems.com/wildlife/
This is a live cam on a nest of eaglets in B.C Canada. Both parents are raising these 2 eaglets. The eaglets are about 4 weeks old. This is amazing to see these birds in their habitat and to watch as these 2 eaglets grow. Due to the high volume of visitors to the site you might experience some freezing to the screen. A high speed connection is better for this viewing. If you freeze up, just use your refresh button. If you are on dial-up connection, you probably have to do this often. The best time t o view them without freezing is 2 hrs before sunset in B.C time.
This site also has a forum and a chat room. So you can find out some of the history of what it took to set this up for viewers and to catch up on what has been going on since the eggs have been hatched.
http://www.infotecbusinesssystems.com/wildlife/ | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/24/2006 7:08:49 AM | LITTLE PEDRO
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
history. "Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his
hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,
"Government of the people, by the
people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do!"
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said
that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting
to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to
Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary
Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble
now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted
"Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/25/2006 4:35:09 AM | A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have
the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,
and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62." Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosi ty any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?"
Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exac t money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 5/25/2006 10:18:42 AM | | thanks leadtek, you just help a full hour go by at the most boring job i ever had.. needed a good laugh thanks again | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:56:03 AM | LIFE AT 140KM/H
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a
steady hundred kilometres per hour, the wife is behind the
wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in
a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead
but slowly increases her speed to 110km/h.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and
talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an
affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you
are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering
wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 120.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 130.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 140 km/h
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive
concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her:
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled
voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 140 km/h, the
wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story?
Women are clever. Don't mess with them! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:57:08 AM | Getting old is so hard at times.
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
NOW, I talk like an a s s h o l e ..
...but my gums don't itch! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:59:02 AM | A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to
a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict
gets on top of her kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom. While he's in there, the husband
whispers over to his wife: Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and
hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be
strong honey. I love you!
His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if
we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you, too. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:02:45 AM | SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down .
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done !
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
L et a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/5/2006 10:40:20 AM | OK I laughed my ass off to the men are stupid joke. Still laughing. Laughed over several of the others. HEHEHE, but the blondeman joke has been done. I still like it though.
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/8/2006 5:35:32 AM | Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be"
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone
The second says, " I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone."
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St . Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/9/2006 7:07:12 AM | leadtek..... 
Thank you so much for the laughs.
Have yourself a rainbow day!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/11/2006 7:17:08 AM | Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the
breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought
an air conditioner..."
2nd Hillbilly: Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid,
she bought one of them new fangled
warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber
than both yer wives put together! I was
going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in
thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb 'bout
that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain 't got no pecker." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/11/2006 4:08:17 PM | What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce?
---Nothin'. Either way you still lose the trailer. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/12/2006 1:01:54 PM | Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground & go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car &
saw Daddy & Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found
this so exciting that he co uld not contain himself as he ran home
started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt
Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off & said, "Paul, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story .
Paul started his story, "I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane & Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy & Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt someone! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:09:51 PM | MEDICARE COVERAGE.....
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these
expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:10:42 PM | Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:13:38 PM | A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of
him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the
park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put
the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until
he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the
cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that s.o.b on the phone, I'm
lost! and
need directions!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:24:43 PM | X-RATED RIDDLES
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A . They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:26:50 PM | A major airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously
gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortl y, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the gay flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, B i t c h." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/14/2006 11:51:23 AM | The Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my
instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch
make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for h im.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will
only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/14/2006 12:39:12 PM | Second blonde man joke
Very blonde Joe was in his first fenderbender and he went to a body shop to get it fixed.
Getting out of his car, he flicks his scarf around his neck and asks the burly mechanic if he could fix this little problem for him without a lot of expense. The mechanic, eyes the poor fella wickedly and tells him ,”you can take this home and in the privacy of your own garage, you can just put your lips around the tailpipe and blow the dents right out!”
Wow! Joe races right home and pulls into his garage, and lowers himself behind the car and after wiping the tailpipe off and coating it with cherry flavored lip chap, he begins to blow as hard as he can.
His wife, also blonde comes home and catches him at it! He explains what he is doing and she looks at him incredulously. “What is the matter with you? Are you really that stupid? I can’t believe I married you. You are so stupid! You forgot to shut the windows in the car first!” | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/14/2006 12:43:34 PM | Ohhhh the curse of blonde hair.
Love it, thanks for the laugh. | |
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