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| heard this one
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:04:03 PM | A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you....On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts, Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue....Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at you husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should go see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I'm afraid your sex life is as good as it can ever be. I cannot help." The Green's pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us!" "Well, alright," the doctor said. " on your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios......" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/22/2007 6:23:50 PM | Q: How many freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbub?
A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis....er...ladder. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/22/2007 8:18:33 PM | Here is an other Joke from an other friend of mine...Love it
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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her over seas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull shittin' me!?"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
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| Have you heard this one !
Posted: 8/23/2007 2:31:09 AM | | Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeez. That is REALLY deep... here. Throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, and then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 5:18:21 AM | A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 6:52:26 AM | Very funny ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ yet so true for some 
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A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on
vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high > prices the local vendors
were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go
on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to
catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home,
he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water,
shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots
the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more
dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde
struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling
her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S
BAREFOOT, TOO!"
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 10:45:49 AM | | If I am going to the grocery store at 50 km hr four blocks down the street, and two hot women are heading to the same store at 60km/hr from the opposite direction to pick up fresh fruits and vegetables while I am picking up burgers and ground beef, how long till we meet? If 80% of my jokes are funny and 90% of people laugh at them what is the chances of me getting one of the woman’s phone numbers? Now given that there is a hotel two blocks away and a gas station (I need to fill up) with 70c/ltr, and another hotel 5 blocks away near a gas station that is 75c/ltr (with free condoms in washroom), which place should we go to? Would it be better to go back to my place and risk them finding out I didn't need burgers or ground beef? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 1:37:03 PM | Three Minute Management Course
Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And, when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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This ends the three minute management course. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 3:13:21 PM | Two old timers meet in a bar after many years and talk about the years gone by.
"Is it true you married four times" asked the one.
"Yes" replied the other, "and I also widowed four times"
" Sorry to hear that. How did your first wife die?"
"She ate poisoned mushrooms"
"And your second wife?"
"She ate poisoned mushrooms?"
"And your third wife?"
"She ate poisoned mushrooms."
"And your fourth wife?"
"She fell off a cliff."
"How."
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 4:14:19 PM | | A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. ... It was a case of....In one ear and out the udder. | |
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Ozzz1
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Joined: 7/31/2007
Msg: 811 | |
| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 4:52:22 PM | | There are two cannibals eating a clown when one cannibal turns to the other and says................."Does this taste funny?" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/23/2007 6:46:21 PM | Q. Whats 3 two letter words for small?
A. Is it in? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:17:13 AM | A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work****ail with her
> girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
> middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
> take her eyes off him.
>
> The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
> directly toward her. (As men will.)
>
> Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
> over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that
> you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition."
>
> Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
> "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
>
> The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
> removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
> hand
> along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
> meaningfully said:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Clean my house."
>
> (YOU GO, GIRL!)
> Money well spent!!!!
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/24/2007 4:37:44 AM | Ticks -- All You Ever Wanted to Know
Today my boys and I did yard work. And being rural, when we get in side we check for ticks. And found one. The cats and the dogs are medicated for ticks and flees, so I know it didn't come from them. Anyway, the actual conversation went like this...
"Dad! Is this a tick?"
"Yes. Kill it by pressing it between your thumb nail and another nail."
"Ewww! It popped!"
"That's how you know it is dead."
"Dad, are there other kinds of ticks?"
"There are lots of different types of ticks."
"Like what?"
"Well, there is the tick that is long and skinny. It is used in some cultures to hold things together, and in other cultures it is eaten. It is called a Tick-Tack.
"But they only eat the last digit on the parasite's foot. It is a delicacy called Tick Tack Toe.
"And there is the long bent tick, as you may guess it is called a tick-L.
"To be sure of it's type compare it to a test tick-L.
"You have to do this because it is very similar to the straight parasites which imitate the twigs of trees. They are simply called sticks.
"Of course there are the ticks that Noah saved from the cold. They are called Arctics.
"And the small ones that dance and caper about are called anticks.
"If you look closely you can account for the difference between the mathamatick (often found in groups) and the egyptinan variant with the indicipherable writing on it's back, called the cryptick.
"And there are the small ticks that if you have you get into the movies. Those are called tickets.
"And the ones that only come out during the full moon are lunaticks.
"Did you know there is an oral variant that comes around from the internet? It is called an E-liptick.
"The ones that are very judgmental are called criticks. They are closely related to the scepticks, but are paid more.
"The burning ones, which cause a lot of expensive damage, are best left alone. Those are the ones we call causticks.
"The ones with a strong tendency to point north are called magneticks. When they get old they don't point north all the time, and then they are called eraticks.
"Some are found in small pricey shops, they are called boutiques.
"The ticks that you find beneath the roof are called atticks.
"The big ticks that are ground up and used as glue are called masticks.
"There is even a skirt wearing Scottish variant called a keltick. Be careful, as this one looks like a buff version of the narcissistick, which is a very vain animal.
"There are a couple of musical ticks, the operatick and its close cousin the acustick. Both belong to the artistick family. Don't confuse either with a guitar pick, that is a different animal, flat and about thumb nail sized.
"The ticks from Italy are called Romanticks. These are often confused with eroticks, which are not ticks at all, but a type of love bug.
"And there are the kinds ground up for medicine, called narcoticks.
"I heard a story that another name for this animal is an antickdote, but I haven't been able to verify this." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/24/2007 6:18:51 PM | | A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the bl.ow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 5:22:30 AM | There's this newly married couple that were visiting Disney World and the Movie lot tour at M.G.M. Studio’s. The wife goes upstairs at Cinderella’s castle and notices a mirror hanging on the wall. She goes up to and says, "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my husband like most of all?"
And the mirror replies "Your tits".
She then says, "Mirror mirror on the wall, give me size 44!” And hey presto, she gets these big tits.
Excitedly she rushes downstairs to show her husband, who is amazed upon seeing her. He asks her what happened and she tells him about the mirror. So the husband rushes upstairs to the mirror and says, "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my wife like most of all?”
The mirror replies "Your****.
So the man says "Mirror mirror on the wall, make my****touch the floor".
So his legs fall off... | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 6:19:28 AM | Why thank you wottacatch,its good to be back.
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 6:45:03 AM | I only like two kinds of women :
Domestic and foreign. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 9:05:10 AM | wottacatch... who gave you those ummmm uhhhhh silly jokes  or whatever you want to call them
welcome back Celtic... funny as always
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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch."
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 9:30:48 AM | This was my analysis after talking to the various managers and people in work.
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
CONCLUSION: Which means that the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls get. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 11:03:17 AM | A man and his wife were talking on day and the wife had a question to ask her husband.
"Honey I am not happy with the size of my breasts, do you know any way I can make them bigger?"
The husband replyed, " Have you tried wiping toilet paper all over them?"
The wife then asked" do you think that will work?"
The man replyed" Well it worked for your ass"
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 11:16:59 AM | Thank you mystique,im writing this from hospital the tour didnt go too well.
There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Sh.it flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 11:20:14 AM | | What happened to you Celtic? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 8/25/2007 12:19:07 PM | | My fans started throwing bottles and ashtrays at me,they were good shots. | |
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