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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:46:42 AM | Fruit Packers
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.
First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!" | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:47:08 AM | From The Classroom
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:47:59 AM | When You'd Like To Give The Judge A Sentence
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
Replied the young man, "I know. I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words." | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:48:39 AM | When a man sees eye to eye with his wife, it means that his vision has been corrected. There once was a little blind boy that lived with his mom. One day, he said to his mom, "Mommy, mommy. I can't stand it anymore! I want to see! I want to see all the pretty flowers and the clouds and the sunlight and the little bunnies and the cute little birds. I have to see!!"
"Well," the mom said," Today is your lucky day, because today is a very special day. It's March 31, and if you go to bed tonight and pray all night long, you will be able to see in the morning!"
Though it was only 4:00, the boy jumped into bed and he prayed and prayed and prayed until he fell asleep. In the morning, he woke up, opened his eyes, and he was still blind. He said to mom, "Mommy, mommy. You said if I prayed and prayed all night then I would be able to see in the morning, but I'm still blind."
The mom then said, "April Fools!!" | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:49:28 AM | Just A Little Silly
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed." | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:50:01 AM | Ponder Me This, Batman...
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, practice?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:50:28 AM | A very miserly man entered an antique store looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing.
He asked the store to send it directly to his friend, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, the man received a thank you card from his friend.
"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately." | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:50:47 AM | After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!" | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:51:06 AM | Phil's barn burned down and Jenny, his wife, called the insurance company.
Jenny: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Jenny, it doesn't work quite like that. We
will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Jenny, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:51:57 AM | The Lord Helps Those Who Want To Be Helped
An old Irishman with a pronounced limp sits down at a bar and orders a whiskey. He looks down at the end of the bar and sees someone who looks a lot Jesus, and he asks the barkeep, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender says that it is, so the Irishman tells him to give Jesus a whiskey, too.
A hunchbacked Italian comes into the bar and orders a glass of Chianti. When he sees Jesus sitting down at the end of the bar, he asks the bartender to give one to the son of God, too.
Finally, a Redneck swaggers in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's boy down there?" The barkeep nods, and the Redneck told him to give Jesus a brewski, too.
As Jesus gets up to leave, he walks over to the Irishman and touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman feels the strength come back to his leg, and he gets up and dances a jig out the door.
Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you too are healed." The Italian feels his back straighten, and he raises his hands above his head and does a flip out the door.
As Jesus walks toward the redneck, the redneck jumps back and says, "Don't touch me, Man! I'm drawing disability!" | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:53:07 AM | The New Logic
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!" | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:53:56 AM | Book Search
Little Johnny asked for and received help from a librarian on how to use the computerized search system at the local library.
The librarian gave Little Johnny some instruction, and Johnny confidently began his search.
A little while later he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.
A short time later he came to the desk again, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it," he said.
"What book are you looking for?" asked the librarian.
Little Johnny replied, "Tequila Mockingbird." | |
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Posted: 10/1/2007 8:54:16 AM | The Lawyer Joke
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 4:21:44 AM | A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.
When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"
"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."
"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."
"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.
"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!" | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:47:33 AM | | Lol..i guess the truth comes out in your sleep.. | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:53:24 AM | A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are 'round the back." | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:54:02 AM | A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!" | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:54:53 AM | Daffy-nitions
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:56:15 AM | The Better Invention
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." St. Peter points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes, with a little help from God."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention : 1) There is too much front end protrusion; 2) It chatters at high speeds; 3) The rear end wobbles too much; and 4) the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmm," says Adam, "Hold on." Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar
computer, more men are riding my invention than yours." | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:57:33 AM | Slap Happy
A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother.
Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word.
The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer sat there thinking: "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!" | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:58:27 AM | A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.
And she said... "Those are my emergency flashers!" | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 7:59:38 AM | The Bag Man
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The guy can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags him to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger." | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 8:00:35 AM | Women Bare All
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!" | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 8:01:41 AM | Spread Your...Wings
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!" | |
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Posted: 10/2/2007 8:02:21 AM | OK, Gals, Let's Get It Out Of Your Systems (at least for today)
*How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
All 3 of them.
*How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
*Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
*How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put a remote control between his toes.
*What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
*What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
*Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
Because he wouldn't ask for directions.
*What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
*Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God, "the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you." | |
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