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| heard this one
Posted: 6/14/2006 6:10:38 PM | So I heard that the Bush administration has found the answer to the “bird flu” problem.
They are going to bomb the heck out of the Canary islands and then attack Turkey.
Not trying to offend Bush fans.
Are there really any anyway? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/14/2006 7:36:36 PM | | I have NEVER laughed so hard reading something like this in my life ..you really are stupid ...but i like you anyway...lmao | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:39:13 PM | Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says,
"What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swi m!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two I turned off the key, an d looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:39:41 PM | fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe in a hdeurnd can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the lt teres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS... | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:40:12 PM | Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear,
'Boy, th ese feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:51:23 AM | Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:51:39 AM | A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:52:09 AM | Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:53:55 AM | This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
Sorry blondes, I have a blonde daughter, so we collect them around here. But we adore her! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:54:34 AM | A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, crushed nuts?
"No," he replied, "Arthritis" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:55:03 AM | | A mother and her young son were flying WestJet from Halifax to Hamilton. The son turned to his mother and asked,"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer told him to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:56:00 AM | UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:56:32 AM | MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 11:57:01 AM | A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! ) | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 1:08:23 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb... | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 2:38:30 PM | A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 2:40:02 PM | A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
drum roll
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
drum roll aka fozzie bear.
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/17/2006 2:40:39 PM | The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/18/2006 7:35:45 AM | Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first says to the
second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico.
" The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool
their money and buy everything they'll need, tower,elastic
cord,insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As
they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more
and more people gather to watch them work. After they have everything
ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and sc ratches. Unfortunately, the second
guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses
him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes
back pretty messed up-he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy replies, "No, the cord was fine ... what the F$#@
is a piñata?" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/18/2006 7:39:17 AM | Towards the end of his golf round, Dave hit his ball into the
woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just
about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter
for your popcorn for the rest of your life...... Better still, you won't
have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!!!!!
Then POOF... She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his
friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the **** willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
DON'T SWING" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/18/2006 7:42:47 AM | Nun and the Priest
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without >warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister,this
looks pretty grim."
I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two."
I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
Anything, Father."
I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any
harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
Father, could I ask something of you?"
Yes, Sister?" I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can produce life."
Is that true father?"
Yes, it is, Sister."
Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the
hell out of here. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/18/2006 7:44:42 AM | A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, ****," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini and don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/18/2006 8:30:35 PM | More parrot jokes
So a magician has a gig on a cruise ship that continues every season for ten years. On board this ship is a parrot who never misses a show. To the dismay of the magician, the parrot has taken to telling all the stunts. The poor guys’ shows are punctuated with “Look up his sleeve, up his sleeve!” and “False bottom!”, “Mirrors, he uses mirrors!” “It’s under the hat”.
Every break the magician finds new tricks to stop the parrots outbursts. During one cruise there was a problem in the broiler rooms and the engine exploded during a show with a huge bang. The ship was blown to smithereens! The magician woke up in the water hanging on to a floating board. No one else was to be seen except the parrot, perched on the board and staring intently at the magician. This went on for 2 days, with not a word from either. Finally the parrot spoke up. “OK, I give up. Where did you hide the boat?” | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/20/2006 10:12:17 AM | | So a guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and his wife wakes up and he says, "i wanted you to see the pig I've been sleeping with" and the wife says, "thats not a pig, that's a sheep" and the guy says, "i wasn't talking to you". | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/20/2006 12:55:18 PM | | I have an unusually strange/warped mind/sense of humour. Maybe we're made for each other! | |
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