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| heard this one
Posted: 6/23/2006 5:10:09 PM | Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the r ight ****in
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ***hole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I'm paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "***hole
calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon.
I'm calli ng to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an ***hole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the
number.
A couple of days later, right after c alling the first ***hole (I
had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
***hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" Iasked."
Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an ***hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called ***hole #1.
"Hello." "You're an ***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he sc r eamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"***hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole," and hung up.
Then I called ***hole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, ***hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray
Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and heade d over to Mowbray. I got there just
in time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
[Anger management really works...]
Bryan | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/28/2006 8:28:31 AM | Accident Study...
The National Transportation Safety Board (N.T.S.B.) divulged they had overtly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice ecorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find that in most of the towns the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,S h i t!" Only the places like St. Joachim, Tilbury, Chatham, Belle River, Stoney Point, Tecumseh, Wheatley, Essex and Windsor were different, where 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/28/2006 12:22:52 PM | A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 6/28/2006 2:12:49 PM | ^^^ thanks everybody for some great laughs! (I never tied my previous g/f up to a telephone system ground wire with a steel chain and collar -- but she would still piss
before and after, and in between moan a lot.... I wonder if she worked for the phone
company 'cause I heard she had let a phone company man put it in... ) | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/1/2006 7:26:45 AM | A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers
club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She
proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain
biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks;
"Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there
and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old la dy replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you
ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/1/2006 9:00:08 AM | You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
SCROLL DOWN
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're p i s s e d. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/1/2006 1:20:27 PM | Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors
to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/4/2006 3:41:07 PM | "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE CANADIAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Hamilton. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the RCMP might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in t hese stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?) | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/4/2006 3:49:18 PM | """" A guy came in here to buy
a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing"""
that just became my favourite LOL . thank you sir. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/6/2006 5:30:19 AM | FUN Things to do at Wal-Mart......
1. Get lots of boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/he r in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in house-wares," and see what happens.
5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, turn the volume to 10, then shut them all off.
6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "CAUTION_WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?".
11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire ai sle in toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I.Joes and X_Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.
18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing rack & when people browse through say "PICK ME ! PICK ME !"
20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO ! NO !..it's those voices again".
21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, te ll them you don't get out much and ask if they would put one of those little umbrellas in it.
22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud..."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here !". | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/9/2006 3:15:02 PM | Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!" and
possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said
good morning, let alone
"Happy Birthday."
I thought... well, that's marriage
for you, but the kids.... they will
remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs
to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I
felt pretty low and somewhat
despondent.
As I walked into my office, my
secretary Jane said, "Good
Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at
least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when
Jane knocked on my door and said,
"You know, It's such a beautiful
day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the
greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't
go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quite bistro
with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the
meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day... we don't need to
go straight back to the office,
do We ?"
I responded, "I guess not. What
do you have in mind ?" She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said, " Boss,
if you don't
mind, I'm going to step
into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/10/2006 3:25:29 AM | Tips from the redneck book of manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.!
*** DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
*** WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2 Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a mo ving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/11/2006 4:49:01 AM | Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, a husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,and
begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you
doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/17/2006 2:56:00 PM | When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always
something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might
as well sweep the driveway and sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/18/2006 12:46:22 PM | DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving..
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk
if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his
car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
"The woman steps out of her vehicle."
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/18/2006 12:50:42 PM | Subject: The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual
police car videos around the country
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car
videos around the country.
# 1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?... You're
right, we don' t. .. Sign here.
# 2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And... THE BEST ONE!!!
# 3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
# 4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
# 5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
# 6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."
# 7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
# 8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Was M ickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
# 9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K, I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh. Did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my
gun."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#14 "Take your hands off th e car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They 'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/18/2006 1:54:02 PM | A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"Wow!! This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched c.o.c.k.s," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!" | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:03:35 PM | Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two
1. I like you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when
I am with you..
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make
you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them
knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the
world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste
their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the
right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be
grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to
do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust
next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try
and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them
to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON. | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:07:04 PM | Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in the same house. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden
table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a beer."
___________________________________________
WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went Right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was
really concerned that she was losing it.!
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
______________________________________________________
POLICE CALL
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard.", He said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:09:05 PM | WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.
At a****ail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true d ad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. &nbs p; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up." | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 7/22/2006 5:32:20 AM | Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: IT'S BRAILLE FOR SUCK HERE.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: IT IS THE SAME AS A FRENCH KISS, BUT ONLY DOWN UNDER.
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: MELT THEM DOWN, MAKE A TIRE, AND CALL IT A GOODYEAR.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS TO SCRATCH.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE..
Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: WHEN THEY COME THEY'RE WILD AND WET, BUT WHEN THEY GO, THEY TAKE YOUR HOUSE AND CAR WITH THEM!!!!! | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 7/22/2006 9:40:35 PM |
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  now THAT was funny! | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 7/24/2006 7:51:27 AM | Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane, energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor, who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. HELLLOOOO, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year....
namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!! HELLLOOOO? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up..
He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument. | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:39:58 PM | A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation.
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet,
which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called." | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 7/26/2006 12:40:49 PM | A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said,"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She e ven had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" . . . . (You'll love this!!!) .. ..
God replied, "I didn't recognize you." | |
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