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Posted: 12/17/2007 2:04:28 AM | KidSpeak
Did you hear the story about the roof? It's over your head.
What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around and I'll go on ahead.
What kind of cats go bowling? Alley cats.
Why did the dog keep biting the tree? It needed more bark. | |
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Posted: 12/17/2007 7:31:03 AM | A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
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Posted: 12/17/2007 7:32:13 AM | Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.
God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!"
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!"
God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"
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Posted: 12/17/2007 7:34:47 AM | A blonde goes to the drugstore to pick up a box of condoms for her and her boyfriend.
The clerk rings them up, and asks for $1.06.
The blonde says "I thought they were only a dollar."
The clerk says that the 6 cents is for the
tax.
The blonde gets all wide eyed and says "Oh, is that how you keep em on?!"
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Posted: 12/17/2007 10:01:48 AM | | haha, this has completely made my day. love this thread! | |
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Posted: 12/18/2007 5:11:20 AM | An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor." | |
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Posted: 12/18/2007 5:11:36 AM | A Billion Here, A Billion There...
According to a recent government publication...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury. | |
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Posted: 12/18/2007 5:12:07 AM | A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
"Yes, it does," replied the rancher. "Do you remember that part in the Bible when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
"Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood," the visitor said.
"Well," said the rancher, "we got two and a half inches during that spell." | |
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Posted: 12/18/2007 9:25:17 AM | A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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Posted: 12/18/2007 9:26:34 AM | There are 3 engineers in a car: An electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer, and a Microsoft Engineer.
Suddenly their car died nothing just quiet.
They all look at each other wondering what could have gone wrong with the car.
The Electrical Engineer suggests that it might help to strip down all the electrics of the car, as that might pin point where the problem has arisen.
The Chemical Engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and that there is a blockage somewhere.
And then the Microsoft Engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we all close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and then it'll work."
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Posted: 12/18/2007 9:27:59 AM | Two killer whales were swimming along side by side, a male and a female, when the male says to the female, "let's have some fun..."
She asked him what he had in mind, and he pointed to a fishing boat above them and said they should go underneath the boat and empty their blowholes and capsize the boat.
The female said no, but on the insistence of the male, she finally agreed.
So, they swam up under the boat and emptied their blowholes and sure enough the boat capsized and the sailors were tossed into the ocean.
As the whales were giggling swimming away, the male again turned to the female and said "let's have some more fun."
Like what? she asked.
The male said they should swim up and eat a few of the sailors that were in the water, and again the female refused. When the male started to insist again,she turned to him and said "Look, I went for the blowjob, but I ain't swallowing the seamen!"
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Posted: 12/19/2007 7:08:22 AM | But Do They Vibrate?
A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $85."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $85!" | |
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Posted: 12/19/2007 7:09:18 AM | Tips From Martha Stewart's Redneck Etiquette Book
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. | |
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Posted: 12/19/2007 7:47:50 AM | Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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Posted: 12/19/2007 7:49:12 AM | An ambitious Computer Tech finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life....till the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forge able ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy was stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on er couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-- strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?" he replied, "--I can check my e-mail from here?
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Posted: 12/19/2007 7:50:14 AM | Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
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Posted: 12/19/2007 3:32:35 PM | A Little Canadian Humour
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may
live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't
work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in
Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a
wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you
may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may
live in Canada
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back
again, you may live in Canada
If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you
may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and
everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow, you may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction, you may live in Canada
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live
in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your
Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada | |
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Posted: 12/20/2007 5:36:48 AM | The Sheep
There was this shepherd who had this whole flock of sheep. He wanted to get the sheep pregnant so that he could increase his stock, but he was too poor to buy a male sheep. So, he figured the only thing he could do was to get the sheep pregnant himself.
One morning the man loaded up all the sheep into his truck and drove them over to a barn where nobody could see him. He screwed each sheep and then loaded them back in the truck and brought them back to the pasture near his house. He went to bed that night after a long day's work.
The next morning he woke up, and looked out the bedroom window expecting all the sheep to be laying down on their sides, because that is what the sheep do when they are pregnant. But, all the sheep were still standing.
The guy is surprised and a little disappointed, but he gets up, loads the sheep back into the truck, takes them to the barn and tries to get them impregnated. He wakes up the next morning and looks out the window and sees that the sheep are all standing up. So, he loads them in the truck, takes them in the barn and does them all, yet again.
The next morning, he is so exhausted by his work, he asks his wife to look out the window and look at the sheep. She does this and he asks her if they are laying down on their sides She says, "No, they are all in the truck, and one is honking the horn!" | |
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Posted: 12/20/2007 5:37:36 AM | Creative Crafts
I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece Christina and her three-year-old brother Neil. While Christina was clearly molding a recognizable dog, figuring out what Neil was making was a bit more challenging.
"It's a cat," he told me.
"Looks a little too flat to be a cat," I noted.
"A truck ran over it," he replied.
Some time later Cristina had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had another rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.
"What happened to this animal?" I asked.
Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 12/20/2007 8:37:02 AM | A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster--one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Spike here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Spike back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Spike a little pep talk: "Spike," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Spike strutted into the henhouse.
Spike was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Spike had finished having his way with each hen. But Spike didn't stop there.
Spike went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Spike!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Spike continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Spike lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Spike. The farmer walked up to Spike saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."
"Shhhhhhh," Spike whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
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Posted: 12/20/2007 8:38:31 AM | You Know You Are Old When You Remember
* Candy cigarettes.
* Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
* Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
* Coffee shops with table side juke boxes.
* Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
* Party lines on your telephone.
* P. F. Flyers
* Pea shooters.
* 45 RPM Records
* Green Stamps
* Metal ice cube trays-with levers
* Mimeograph paper and the smell of that purple ink?
* Blue flash Bulbs
* Beanie and Cecil
* Roller skate keys
* Cork pop guns
* Drive ins
* The Fuller Brush man
* Reel-to-reel tape recorders
* Tinker toys
* The Erector Set
* Lincoln Logs (they still sell these)
* 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
* 5 cent packs of baseball cards
* Penny candy
* 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline
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Posted: 12/20/2007 8:39:38 AM | King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
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Posted: 12/21/2007 4:49:26 AM | Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit down, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.
"I'm going on the Chair-a-Planes," said Nigel.
"Are you sure Nigel?" asked Simon "You're ever so brave!"
So Nigel went on the Chair-a-Planes ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 100 yards, until he slammed into a brick wall.
Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"
A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 12/21/2007 4:49:54 AM | Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face.
"Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in
my head I always complain about?"
"Yes," the doctor replies.
"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.
"So what's the problem?"
"I think I'm going deaf." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 12/21/2007 4:50:31 AM | A Computer Date
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated flawlessly. . . it sent him a penguin. | |
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