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Posted: 12/21/2007 4:51:25 AM | A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one of the new doctors. But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?" | |
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Posted: 12/21/2007 6:54:42 AM | Modern advertizing
The Excedrin Penis: It's thhhhhiiiiiisssss big.
The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up!!
The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it...
The Tootsie Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...???
The M&M's Penis: Melts in your mouth--- not in your hands.
The Frosted Flakes Penis: They're Grrrrrrrrrreaaaaat!!
The Lucky Charms Penis: They're magically delicious!
The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going...
The Cambells Soup Penis: Mmm Mmm Good!
The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved...
The McDonalds Penis: Over 8 billion served
The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest
The All State Penis: You're in good hands...
The 7-up Penis: The UN-penis
The Nike Penis: Just do it...
The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling.
The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy =)
The Nintendo Penis: Now you're playing with POWER
The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms
The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Starburst penis: The juice is loose
The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me
The Timex Penis: Takes a licking and keeps on ticking!
The Army Penis: Be all that you can be
The Milk Penis: It does a body gooood...
The Flinstones' Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing
The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef?!?!?
The Folger's Penis: The best part of waking up is Penis in your cup.
The Lays Penis: Betcha can't eat just one.
The Diet Coke Penis: Just for the taste of it...
The Big Red Penis: It's longer with Big Red.
The Robitussin Penis II: It's recommended by Dr. Mom.
The Little Caesar's Penis: Penis!! Penis!!
The Generic Penis: One size fits all
The Domino's Pizza Penis: delivers in 30 minutes or less
The Extra Penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time!
The Charmin Penis: Don't squeeze the Penis!
The Gilette Penis: The best a man can get
The Virginia slims penis: You've come a long way, baby!
The Coca Cola Penis: You've got the right one baby, Uh HUH!
The AT&T Penis: Reach out and touch someone
The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balenced for a woman.
The Maxwell House Penis: Good to the last drop
The Heinz Penis: Good things come to those who wait...
The Reese's Penis: How do you eat yours?
The Star Wars Penis: Use the force, Luke!
The Star Trek Penis: To boldly go where no man has gone before
The Windows 95 penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash
The Janet Jackson Penis: what have you done for me lately???
The Chevy Truck Penis: Like a rock!
The Ford Penis: Built Ford Tough.
The Butterfinger Penis: Nobody better lay a finger on my penis
The Skittles Penis: taste the penis.
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Posted: 12/21/2007 7:01:14 AM | You will never look at cartoons the same.
The Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's
television. A couple of months ago he 'outed' the apparently homosexual
Tinky Winky, a character from the "Teletubbies" show, because:
1) He's purple, the gay color;
2) He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and
3) He carries a purse, something all gay people do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence below:
FRED FLINTSONE
-- His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-toes
Flintstone."
-- The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
-- He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it.
-- He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
BUGS BUNNY
-- Often stands with hand on hip.
-- Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
-- Frequently dresses in drag.
-- Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway
show-tunes with his "buddy" Daffy-who, it's worth noting, has a
lisp.
POPEYE
-- Eats lots of salad.
-- Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years.
-- Does little sailor-dances.
-- Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl.
-- Best friend named Wimpy.
BATMAN & ROBIN
-- Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder.
-- Batman's real name: Bruce.
-- Both wear tights and hang out in a dark cave with an "older man."
-- They're in great shape.
-- They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts)
-- Has a deep, gravelly voice.
-- Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals.
-- Plays a mean game of football.
-- Likes to taunt Charlie Brown.
-- Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie.
-- Wears comfortable shoes.
-- Nickname: Sir.
THE PINK PANTHER
-- 'Nuff said
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Posted: 12/22/2007 5:12:29 AM | Crayons
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?" | |
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Posted: 12/22/2007 5:13:31 AM | For The New Years Parties...
You Know You're Drunk When...
~You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.
~You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.
~You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"
~You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket. | |
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Posted: 12/23/2007 2:14:39 AM | Who Said Sense Was Common?
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...." | |
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Posted: 12/23/2007 2:14:54 AM | BumperSnickers
Keep Honking--I'm Reloading.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken, Watch For Finger.
Hang Up And Drive. | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 11:34:18 PM | | Great thread, always good for laugh! | |
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Posted: 12/31/2007 11:58:08 AM | This is a good one to pull on a prude.
Ask them why mice have such small balls?
When they turn red in the face at you, tell them "its because not many of them know how to dance! I was talking about Ballroom dancing..... what was YOUR filthy mind thinking?" | |
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Posted: 12/31/2007 12:02:22 PM | | A bankers dog, a thiefs dog, and a french Canadians' dog are sitting outside the butchershop window drooling over the meat. The thiefs dog suggests that the other two go inside and create a ruckus as a distraction and he will steal the meat while the butchers not looking. The bankers dog suggests they try to get the meat on loan, and just eat it and not pay up. The french Canadian's dog says...."Don't bother, lets just sit outside the window and whine louder and and louder until he gives it too us. | |
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Posted: 1/2/2008 6:53:14 AM | Five levels of drinking
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow .cool.
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
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Posted: 1/2/2008 6:55:16 AM | Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”
The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”
The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?
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Posted: 1/2/2008 6:56:58 AM | INFREQUENTLY An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
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Posted: 1/2/2008 10:19:41 PM | | OMG!! What happened to Leadtek, the originator of this thread? He had some of the funniest jokes on here. Anyone know? Tell him one of his greatest fans misses him if any of you ever chat with him. Was it something I said? I'll take it back. Was it something I didn't say? I'll say it a hundred times! | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 6:47:20 AM | Grace he's probably on vacation.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, and then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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Posted: 1/3/2008 6:51:04 AM | I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No" - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night”. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake
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Posted: 1/3/2008 8:44:50 PM | Thanks Dave. The sense of abandonment took over my rational thoughts. Of course, Leadtek is on vacation. Whew!
By the way, your stuff is pretty good too. I shared a couple of your recent jokes with others just today. Thanks again. | |
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Posted: 1/4/2008 4:44:35 AM | | Soldier running from the military police bumps into a nun, please he says, i'll explain later, but can i hide under your skirt please, yes says the nun hurry my son, just then the military police confront the nun, sorry sister but have you seen a soldier pass this way, yes my child, he took a left turn at the bottom of the road, with that they moved on, the soldier re-appears, thank you sister, my company is going to Iraq and i just can't face it, once again thank you and by the way for a nun you have great legs, thank you says the nun and if you looked higher you'd of noticed i have a great****and balls, i don't want to go to Iraq either!! | |
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Posted: 1/4/2008 6:17:38 AM | There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their a$$es. The Results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their a$$ is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their a$$ is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good Man, and they would have married him anyway
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Posted: 1/4/2008 6:24:10 AM | Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the
floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing
any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you
see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said, "You can have it,
but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that
since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 PM on
Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom,
had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did John come by this
afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did he
give you 100?" She thinks 'Oh, shit, he knows!', so she says, "Yes, he gave me $100." "Good," Bill says.
"John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me and said he'd stop by our house on
his way home and pay me back.
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/4/2008 6:29:02 AM | A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a
lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the
travel bag she carried, except for one thing: she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated
calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure
they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you
ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom
boxes and other electronic gear?" He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was
almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she
saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than
he should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife
fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery seller."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied.
"She sells C cells by the sea shore."
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Posted: 1/4/2008 2:55:06 PM | omg .....laughing
ohh thank you , I needed cheering up. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/7/2008 7:12:25 AM | An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says...
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".
"Whoopee!” said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.
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Posted: 1/7/2008 7:16:11 AM | A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says,
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says "You smell some kind of nerdy".
He then asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
Yes."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that".
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.
The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away.
Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!!
"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/9/2008 3:11:17 AM | Celine Dion walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at her and says, "Why the long face?"
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