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Posted: 1/9/2008 6:46:45 AM | MODERN EDUCATION
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane. I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." | |
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Posted: 1/9/2008 6:47:45 AM | Minimum Wage
A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.
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Posted: 1/9/2008 6:49:31 AM | The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to....""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me""Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results""My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London""Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look""Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement."Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?""That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.""Tripod?????""Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... GOOD GRIEF, SHE'S FAINTED!!"
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/14/2008 6:20:53 AM | JUDGE NOT
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all, nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp
The thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take.
How did all these sinners get up here? God must have made a mistake.
"And why is everyone so quiet, so somber. Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," He said, "they are all in shock.
No one thought they would be seeing you."
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/14/2008 6:22:47 AM | | A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.> >the bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."> >The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.> >> >the bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."> >The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."> >The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"> >the bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.> >the bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belching, belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."> >The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."> >> >> >> >> >> > The bartender says, "You are now. That was a> > bar **** you ate. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/14/2008 6:24:04 AM | The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that they will update their product to be fully
Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY
Jelly.'
Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that
you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two."
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/16/2008 7:47:06 AM | I recently bought one of those bracelets that has the words "What would Jesus do?" engraved on it. So now, any time I get into a difficult situation, I can look at my bracelet and remember to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
The next day, I was in a movie theater and some jerk's cell phone goes off. He starts talking really loud on it and at some point I couldn't take it anymore so I yelled at him to shut up. When he turned around and told me to shove it, I jumped out of my chair and was ready to cave his head in. But then my bracelet caught my attention and I remembered, "What would Jesus do in this situation?"
So I lit him on fire and threw him into Hell
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/16/2008 5:59:13 PM | A cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right.
Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the cowboy. He
watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The
young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government', says the cowboy.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows... this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/17/2008 7:41:57 AM | The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/17/2008 7:44:31 AM | A good looking man walked into a talent agent's office and stated, "I want to be a movie star." Tall handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"The man declared, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you're gonna have to change your name."
I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old; I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in this business for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!! I'm telling you, you'll HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it!! I guess we will not be doing business together." the man said....and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....The agent opened an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope was a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent was awestruck...who would possibly send him $50,000?? He read the enclosed letter:
"Five years ago I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name so; the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your valuable advice. Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:19:49 AM | 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:22:43 AM | A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you
know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back -- all that) when
suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip
me, whip me!"The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration,
he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to
whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in all my years of doctoring....
Wait for it...
...
you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/22/2008 3:55:15 AM | A true story this one:
A friend who works in the service centre office at a major 'white goods' company was listening to the man at the next desk trying to calm a very irate lady who's 3 day old washing machine had flooded her two week old kitchen. After about 10 minutes of abuse from the woman, she fiemly told him he could 'shove the washing machine up his a s s'......keeping cool and without batting an eyelid he replied: "I would love to madam but I still have a tumble dryer up there from the last customer..... thank you for calling the Hotpoint help line"!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/22/2008 7:04:43 AM | British Airways today announced that they are flying a Chinese air crash investigator over to Heathrow, Mr Wat Wen Fu Kin Wong should arrive in the next few days!!!  | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 6:55:11 AM | Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Sorry.....couldn't resist that one  | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:00:59 AM | | A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My Aunt has a sweater with nine buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:03:58 AM | A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally
makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?' and the man
repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to
her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man
can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her
"What in the friggin' hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:38:20 AM | A couple were involved in a serious car accident, the husband donated blood to save his wife's life.
2 years later they're going through a typical shi**y divorce, he tells her he wants his blood back that saved her life.
A few minutes later, she came out of the bathroom and threw a used tampon in his face and screamed at him, "I'll pay you monthly you b a stard"!!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:41:56 AM | Paddy and Murphy went to the sperm bank in London.
The day turned into a total disaster as Paddy missed the Tube and Murphy came on the bus!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:45:38 AM | A woman walked into the dentist's, removed her knickers and sat in the chair with a leg over each side of the chair. The dentist looked bemused and told her "I think you're in the wrong office madam, the Gynaecologist is three doors down the hall"!
She replied, "No mistake, yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures.... today I want you to REMOVE them"!!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:50:21 AM | An Irishman goes to confession, "Father I almost had sex with a married woman" he tells.
Priest: "How can you ALMOST have sex with a woman?? You either do or you don't!"
Paddy: "Well Father, I rubbed it against her"
Priest: "Paddy, rubbing it against her is the same as putting it in.. say 3 Hail Mary's and put £20 in the box on the way out"!!
As Paddy is leaving, he pauses ne the collection box, the Priest's voice booms over, "Paddy, did you just put £20 in that box"??
Paddy shouts back, "No Father, but I rubbed it against it, and according to you, that's the same thing"!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:52:20 AM | The England football team are to get new shirts.
The three lions will be replaced by three tampons....to represent the worst fu**ing period they've ever had!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:55:56 AM | Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking through Hyde Park after a concert, Kylie slips and gets her head stuck in some railings, Robbie, not wanting to miss a chance, rips of her knickers and proceeds to give her a good 'seeing to'.
When he's finished, he turns to Elton and says, "Your turn mate"!!
Elton starts sobbing.... "What's wrong"? asked Robbie
Elton blubbered, "I'll never get MY head in those railings"!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:59:26 AM | A Priest was seated next to Paddy on a long-haul flight. A hostess came along with the drinks trolley, Paddy ordered a large Rum & coke.
She then asked the Priest if he would like a drink, "No way" he replied in disgust, "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips"!!
Paddy sheepishly handed his drink back and said. "Me too.....I didn't realise you had a choice"!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/23/2008 9:34:28 AM | | reply to Celtic...message 469....are you sure those measurement's aint in centimeters mate?? hahahaha......if it does kill ya... just imagine the job they'll have gettin that coffin lid closed!!! | |
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