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Posted: 1/24/2008 8:56:16 AM | TOP TIPS TO HELP THE DAYS GO BY......
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink
Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
"Fun-sized" Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
A 'Post-It Note' stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.
Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
Skateboarders, Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Ladies, When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
Convince bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your a*se before holding the glass close to their nose.
Boiled eggs cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
Commuters. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
Motorists: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
Mums. Confuse your children by mixing real butter with their "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". They won't know what to believe.
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:04:15 AM | FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
“Before she says a word”, Bob says, “I'll give you £800 to drop that towel”.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that”?
“It was Bob the next door neighbour”, she replies.
“Great”, the husband says, “Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me”?
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129”!!
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129”!!
The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak”.
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory”.
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their office manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.'
“Me first! Me first”! says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world”.
Puff! She's gone.
“Me next! Me next”! says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life”.
Puff! He's gone.
“OK, you're up”, the Genie says to the manager.
The manager thinks for a second and says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch”.
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the FIRST say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'But I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by the farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
send this to at least ....... Blah blah blah
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/25/2008 12:47:50 PM | A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f ------- blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End | |
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Posted: 1/28/2008 9:33:25 AM | Disease Alert
________________________________________
This Area is Definitely Infected!
> >
> > The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
> > highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted
> > orally, by hand, and even electronically.
> >
>>This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
> > If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone
> > else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will
> > wipe out your private life completely.
> >
> >
> > If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately
> > leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery
> > store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating
> > Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination
> > Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been
> > completely eliminated from your system.
> >
> >
> > Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
> > Caveats: NONE
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| heard this one
Posted: 1/28/2008 4:02:35 PM | Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
(Must Be Read Out Loud)
1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai
5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………WaiYu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/1/2008 6:40:23 PM | A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
"I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those ****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/3/2008 9:13:37 PM | Football FINALLY makes sense..........
For all you superbowl fans
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents"
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/4/2008 7:30:08 AM | A Woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been havingall these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies,
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband
comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up
his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes
back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife
like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says,
"Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back
and round two! Was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there,
in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/7/2008 7:37:28 AM | Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
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Posted: 2/7/2008 10:50:37 AM | Has outsourcing gone too far?
I was depressed last night
so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/7/2008 10:50:57 AM | Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/7/2008 10:51:40 AM | 5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about Oral Sex
Results:
3% liked the warmth.
4% enjoyed the sensation.
93% appreciated the silence. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/7/2008 10:52:29 AM | A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a
Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of
the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a
widower and a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes.
Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say
'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the
art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates
Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple
of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing
great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful," Morris
replied.
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, You've got a
heart murmur. Be careful!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream
parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto
a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:39:56 AM | A teacher is talking about science to her 3rd grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F uck!' the Rottweiler ate him."
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/9/2008 6:19:58 AM | Charity Case
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/9/2008 6:20:26 AM | The Knock-Knock Joke
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Eiffel.
Eiffel who?
Eiffel into the lake. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:22:17 AM | Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you And
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, He
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming The
"Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/9/2008 7:41:00 AM | that isd so not rightTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT why does it always have to be like that LMFAO  | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/10/2008 3:33:59 PM | JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
=
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
=
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
=
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
=
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
=
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
=
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
=
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
=
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
=
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
=
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
=
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
=
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
=
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
=
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
=
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
=
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
=
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
=
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
=
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
=
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
=
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
=
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
=
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
=
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
=
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
==
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t.... | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/11/2008 5:33:52 AM | Quiet In Church
A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/11/2008 5:34:14 AM | Church Bulletin Bloopers
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:34:35 AM | There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.
One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
 | |
|
| heard this one
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:07:18 AM | A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/13/2008 8:08:40 AM | If you had an Uncle Jack and he was on the roof and the ladder fell would you help your uncle Jack off?
If Russia took Turkey from behind, do you think Greece would help?
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| heard this one
Posted: 2/18/2008 7:13:59 AM | A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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